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money, stuff, and relationships.

6K views 66 replies 24 participants last post by  southbound 
#1 · (Edited)
How important is money to women in a relationship? I know this question has been asked a million times in different ways, but I’m always surprised at the answer. Usually, everyone chimes in and says in one form or another that money is not important as long as they can pay the bills. That sounds great, and should puts guys minds at ease; however, I don’t tend to see these women in real life, just on forums.

Does that mean that I think women require a rich guy? No. It’s not about being rich, but most women I know want to be really, really, really, comfortable. All that is fine, but would they turn down a good man if he didn't seem to be up to par with stuff? I don’t know too many who like pinching pennies anymore.

Most would say money and stuff doesn’t matter, but perhaps we all have an idea of what normal is and don’t let our minds go below that when we picture that. Perhaps every normal guy is expected to at least have a couple of cars, 4 bedroom house, pool, camper, and things of that nature. How much below that would be ok?

Let’s suppose you meet a guy and you are attracted to him. You think he is nice looking, he has a good job, he is a nice guy, and he has no debt. You then discover that his “stuff” looks like the pictures below. Would that make any difference? That doesn't mean it would always have to be that way, but would you be turned off by this at first? For those who are married, it will just take some imagination to answer.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with these, but just a "nothing fancy" example.




 
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#2 ·
Well, what kind of women are you looking at? There are women that require a man have many assets before she will see him as a potential mate. My h makes all of 40k a year. We don't own a home, we rent. We own a 2010 GMC sierra Denali with everything available to a vehicle, but that's the only vehicle we have. I am totally ok with this as I am simple. I grew up extremely poor with never having cable or phone. We sometimes went without electricity for short periods of time. What I have now is a thousand time better. I am also average in attractiveness because I dont get my hair and nails done all or the time and I don't buy expensive make up or clothes.

It all depends on your preference of woman.
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#3 ·
I've lived in some crappy places.... slowly and surely moving up all these years. I wouldn't judge someone by their house, but how they live. The house in the photo is well kept, the lawn is tended to.... so it looks like someone CARES. That is what matters. I always say....your HOME is how you make it.
 
#4 ·
I respect someone who lives within their means and if having no debt is living in a starter home that is completely paid for like the above, that's ok with me. You can make any house a home as long as it is cared for and clean. Someone with too much stuff bought on credit doesn't impress me. I respect taking care of needs more than wants.
 
#6 · (Edited)
staarz21 said: My h makes all of 40k a year. We don't own a home, we rent. We own a 2010 GMC sierra Denali with everything available to a vehicle, but that's the only vehicle we have. I am totally ok with this as I am simple.
I am similar to staarz21's in calling myself pretty "simple" by today's standards... but a little backwards from her post...

We drive Older vehicles on purpose (never had a car loan) because we wanted desperately to find, buy & pay off a country home with some land... That was our dream and on his meager income/ with children....any type of fancy lifestyle was not doable... but we never cared or felt we missed anything..... we cared more about paying our bills on time and enjoying our family/ time together.

We are the type that would consider a new car a gross waste of money... but we wouldn't skimp on a vacation we wanted (memories shared)... or a new computer (this helps us find the fun vacations & compare prices!)..... it just depends...

A dependable safe vehicle (any year, even if it looks like a Grandpa car, wouldn't bother me at all)...

I don't look down on anyone by their cars....If I seen a new Hot Rod/ Mansion of perfection...I'd immediately think to myself... how much did ALL THAT cost & how much debt he is in?... or I'd think he's probably a "Workaholic"... to afford his high lifestyle..

In comparison...I'd be more impressed with the guy with the older truck, driving his camper to the campground, enjoying hanging out with his family - might not have a high paying Job but he's darn good with his money & believes in having a stash saved back...for all those little & sometimes BIG emergencies...where he wouldn't have to run to the bank for a Loan...

That house above... it's so narrow! ..... but really... if I saw this ...the 1st thing I would think is.... "Oh (sigh)...he lives in the city"..... I'd eventually want to drag the city boy to the country... Temporary is ok though.. I'd just want "a plan" if it got serious, to work towards finding a place with more privacy, so we could breathe.

I had a Realtor one time.. she kept calling us with new houses she found, all this info about # of bedrooms/baths...but my 1st questions were .....

How much land? ... was their any neighbors?... how close to the road (the further the better)? .... Is it in a flood zone? .....can we afford it? ..... Location Location Location...the rest can be fixed at our leisure (even added on -if need be)....... you can't move your neighbors, the sidewalks or the noisy street...

A guy who looked like he has it ALL but was drowning in debt - I would run from... I'm a saver and he'd not want to deal with me. ....
 
#8 ·
Once again, everyone says that stuff and money doesn't matter much, but where are all these women in real life? Personally, I haven't encountered this issue, because I'm not dating. I have talked with other guys who have encountered it, and I have to agree based on what I see and hear.
 
#9 ·
When I met my H, my annual salary was twice what his was...it didn't matter to me because I wasn't looking for someone to take care of because I was already doing that, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Flash forward to almost 8 years later, he is now making more than I am because his career continued to trajectory up, while mine went down & it's only now that I've been able to get a job that is on par with the one I had in 2007.
Oddly enough, it was when he started to make more than me we started to have issues because I couldn't contribute as much as I used. He has since gotten his head out of his a*s regarding the financial inequality we have had to deal with.
He has a very skewed relationship with money thanks to his sh*tty childhood & his parents extremely insane ideas of money & relationships.

I feel as long as someone is contributing to the household bills & paying their own bills, it's all good.
I don't want or need a man to buy me things...I buy 'em myself.
And that might be the best way, because then I don't have to hear anyone say to me, "do you really need that?"
Yes, yes I do & it also stimulates the economy, thereby creating more jobs, so it's a win-win. :)

BTW, the house you posted looks like a shotgun house that survived Hurricane Katrina, the emergency notification is still showing on the front wall.
 
#10 ·
I don't think that nowadays it's only a guy's job to bring income to the house, and besides, where I live, it's hard for only one income to sustain a home anyways, so for me, as long as the guy has similar financial background then it's fine if he doesn't own a car nor a house. It's pretty hard for a single person to own a house nowadays anyways, so a guy owning a house is actually a plus more than a requirement.

So my own standards are, as long as we earn pretty much the same, then it's fine. I see both sides as being responsible to earn enough for the life both wants, so if a woman wants a good life then instead of demanding her partner to earn enough for two, she might as well contribute.

It's alot about finding the right partner. A lot of women are after money, just like a lot of men are after beauty, so it's up to us to filter our choices. There are shallow people and non shallow people in both genders anyways.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Well the cars a classic and the house...in San Fransico, Ca. USA is probably 275k, in Cleveland, Oh. probably 19k, so different perspectives for different areas.

Truth be told Southbound you are correct, many say they aren't interested in material things but still....everyone wants some comfort and stability in their life. A quick and dirty indicator of a person is where they are growth wise at a certain age. A 20 year old living in the folks basement and driving a beater car is no big deal, a 50 year STILL living in the folks basement and picking you up in dads Vista Crusier is a hugh red flag. Life is all about growth and maturity, I personally am attracted to those that have shown a pattern of achievement in their life, I'm not talking about having the biggest or shiniest stuff, or several educational degrees, I'm talking about a life that is constantly evolving to be better and more comfortable.

I also want to add this observation....I am a single man, several times I have went to a ladies home to pick her up for a date and heard the same old line "it isn't much but I'm not a materialistic person" but what I see is a messy house and yard and I instantly think their claiming to be non materialistic is just a convenient excuse to be lazy.

So label me materialistic if you want, not so much as in owning stuff but as proof of motivation. At this point in my life (53) I want someone that has some accomplishments, someone I know I can depend on to put forth an effort, I want someone that has something to add to the table.
 
#16 ·
Truth be told Southbound you are correct, many say they aren't interested in material things but still....everyone wants some comfort and stability in their life. A quick and dirty indicator of a person is where they are growth wise at a certain age. A 20 year old living in the folks basement and driving a beater car is no big deal, a 50 year STILL living in the folks basement and picking you up in dads Vista Crusier is a hugh red flag. Life is all about growth and maturity, I personally am attracted to those that have shown a pattern of achievement in their life, I'm not talking about having the biggest or shiniest stuff, or several educational degrees, I'm talking about a life that is constantly evolving to be better and more comfortable.
True, and there is nothing wrong with wanting a little comfort in life, I just assume people's idea of this can vary greatly. I don't know too many guys in their 40s who, unless something really bad happens, will be without a roof over their head, heat/air, a washer/dryer, a vehicle, appliances, furniture, and such; however, one can have all that and not exactly live in a showplace.

I also want to add this observation....I am a single man, several times I have went to a ladies home to pick her up for a date and heard the same old line "it isn't much but I'm not a materialistic person" but what I see is a messy house and yard and I instantly think their claiming to be non materialistic is just a convenient excuse to be lazy.
I don't know details, but that would be fine with me if she was a decent person and our personalities clicked.
 
#14 ·
I think the need for money depends a lot from the social economical background you come from. You have to put up with the in laws. If you marry a rich girl and even if the girl does not care about the money, you will receive a lot of pressure to provide a similar life style.
You do not escape where you come from.
 
#15 ·
If the woman loves the man, his lifestyle doesn't matter. Especially if she is not looking to have children, and can provide for herself. Then it is just love, love, love.

But if the woman wants to get married, and is thinking about kids, she may not see it that way. I have gotten some flack for being materialistic (such a laugh if you knew me IRL), but life with kids costs money, esp. if a one income life is planned.

All in all, though, it is probably best to just marry the one you love, and hope for the best. And be glad you live in a country where divorce is legal.
 
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#17 ·
Well, in a relationship I want the time and space to make my own money, and the time to relax when I'm not working according to my needs. Don't crowd me, and I won't need your money, is what I'm saying. Crowd me and demand more of my time and energy than you're willing to give me, and you're going to have to come up with some cash and bennies to make up for the difference. Sometimes the difference can't be made up, work being what it is and avocations being what they are. At that times, get out of the way, I need to be just as self-sufficient as the next human on this planet. I also have kids, so sometimes I'm going to need even more time. All I can say is thank goodness I'm not one of those women who have to work longer and harder for equal pay, or I'd be toast, no time for a man at all.

As for picking up the tab for me at lunch or movies, etc. I better like you a lot, otherwise it's not going to happen. I always feel bad eating food someone I don't care for has paid for...but if it's someone I really like, man or woman or organization, etc. I don't mind one bit. It must have something to do with a power dynamic...
 
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#23 ·
Sure, I'm not asking if women would be excited about supporting a guy who has a job now and then, and playing video games is the most important part of his life.

As I wrote previously, I don't know too many guys in their 40s who don't have the basic comforts, but I know several who don't have boats, campers, 3 cars, and all the new appliances.

I've also noticed that the reason some guys aren't living paycheck to paycheck is because they don't have all that stuff. They are satisfied without all that and being able to comfortably pay all their bills.

And, the guy who bought for himself and ate in front of you, he sounds like a jerk. I couldn't have held my head up to have eaten in front of you. I would have bought for everyone else and passed myself if money was that tight.
 
#20 ·
Vacuuming 3 times a day, SA? You really need to get back into that groove? :D
 
#22 ·
Oh, (((married tech))). Things are that bad?
 
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#32 ·
This is a tough question to get across. I'm not really asking if someone would be willing to live in poverty for a relationship, nor am I asking if everyone is looking for riches in a relationship.

Perhaps the best is to ask, how much of a step down would a woman be willing to take from her economic norm for a relationship? One usually doesn't know someone's true financial status for a while, so, how much of a turn off would the appearance of a step down matter?
 
#34 ·
Perhaps the best is to ask, how much of a step down would a woman be willing to take from her economic norm for a relationship?
Why would being in a relationship change a woman's financial and economic status? Is there some underlying assumption that she is going to share $ with the guy, or that her income earning potential or wealth is going to go down after pairing up? :confused:
 
#33 ·
If she loves you, she will want to be with you.

I was with a guy before dh who lived similarly to your photos. I didn't care.

Don't sweat all this materialistic stuff. I think it will work itself out, if you and she really love each other.
 
#35 ·
You then discover that his “stuff” looks like the pictures below.
You know what would be my problem with his 'stuff' looking like that? That the yard is 99.5% barren (aside from a tree stump). To me, that tells me he has no pride of ownership (even if he's renting, he can ask permission to fix up the yard; the landlord likely would be glad for it), spends his time on himself, and probably has low goals.
 
#39 ·
Interesting. Even though the house is nothing fancy, I thought it looked rather neat and well kept. The outside of the house looks tidy, and the lawn looks thick and green. There is no junk sitting around. But perhaps that is how men and women see things differently.

I'm not sure I understand this "taking pride" thing that people mention a lot. It appears some believe if everyone's stuff isn't spotless and fancy, they apparently don't take pride in it.
 
#37 ·
I really appreciate what you said about nails and stuff like that, MF. I have never really understood it because I am a pretty simple woman, and dh doesn't care about those things, either. But the way you explain it, the way they "define" themselves that way, that makes sense.

We all need to be who we are. That is how we will be happiest.
 
#38 ·
In my experience, most people (especially women, but men to an extent too) subconsciously expect the standard of living they grew up with as a minimum. There are exceptions, but these are usually people from a wealthy or upper middle class background who deliberately set out on a course of living more meagerly, e.g. to do public service or for some ideological reason. So if you want to know what a woman will expect down the road, look at how she grew up.
 
#46 ·
Like for example, people say they wouldn't mind living in a cheap area. But then they see that the housing stock doesn't look what they think houses are supposed to look like, the people there don't dress the way they're used to, their neighbors have different aesthetic tastes than they're used to and it bothers them in a way they can't quite put their finger on. Or people say "I don't need to take expensive vacations," never really having a sense of what an "inexpensive" vacation is like, and then they realize they're not so comfortable on the minivan road trip, staying in the cheap motel, etc. Or maybe they always assumed their kids would take piano lessons and ballet, not even assumed, but just never gave it a thought, and then they see how much that actually costs.
 
#40 ·
I remember reading a book long ago about life in Australia, I think (they made some famous TV movie or miniseries about it, was it called Thornbirds or something?). Anyway, it described this woman who had this little home; it wasn't much, but it was hers, and it was all she had. Nothing was fancy, but it was well taken care of. They had these terrible dust storms there, and she literally had to clean out the dust from her home, every.single.day. But she took great pride in that home and she wasn't about to let that dust defeat her. I'm afraid to say that I've always compared everyone against her, lol. Not fair, I know, but I always admired her for it.

And add in having an ex-military father, who did take the time to spit-shine his shoes, and expected the house to be similarly taken care of, and a mom who remembered the Depression where you never took a single item for granted, so I guess that's why I can't admire someone who doesn't take good care of their stuff.
 
#42 ·
I see where you are coming from and where you get this standard. Everyone is just so different.

I looked at the house and thought he did take pride; I thought it looked rather neat.

Let me give you an example about me. I've never been a lawn person. In other words, I mow it from time to time, but I don't get bent out of shape about mowing on a schedule or a weed. I guess i was taught that kind of thing is frivolous. My parents and grandparents work manual labor on the farms and factories(no sad story here, they actually did quite well), and they just thought spending a lot of time manicuring your lawn was a meaningless thing. Mowing one's lawn serves a function, but trying to make it look like a golf course is a waste of time if you are not into that kind of thing.

I am the same way. Does that mean i don't take pride in my house or lawn. That's not what it means to me, but maybe to others.

I'm more of a functional person. I actually have a cabinet in my bathroom that is designed for a garage, but it serves my purpose for towels and such. Does it mean that I don't take pride in my house because I have a garage cabinet in my bathroom? I hope not.

I'm not trying to change anyone or saying anyone else is wrong, just presenting my side.
 
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