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Keep the momentos?

  • BURN IT!

    Votes: 10 37.0%
  • I'll let them keep it as long as they don't look at it and over it.

    Votes: 3 11.1%
  • I'll let them keep it, it's part of their life, I respect that.

    Votes: 6 22.2%
  • Meh, I keep my momentos too!

    Votes: 8 29.6%
  • Other...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
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Why would i want momentos to remind me of screwing women other than my wife? Dictatorial? Could say tge same with a spouse being all pissy at their spouse, if their spouse is upset they want to keep momentos of past lovers memories alive and think they should just get over it.

I had clothing my exes bought me. One if them was silk boxers. I dont think it right if i kept these after marriage. I can see my wife saying as i come out of the shower wearing them and she asks where did you get those.

Oh you remember that nympho i used to live with, she really liked them and thought i would look sexy in them. No i will not get rid of them, they remind me of hers/mine time together. You need to get glad in those same panties you got mad in and dont try telling me i should not wear them and to get rid of them.

Or the woman that keeps lingere her ex bought her....or toys used together....keep those fond memories alive and well ya know.

Not!!!! If they are that damned important they can carry their ass down the street to their ex lover boy/girl.
 

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Discussion Starter · #62 ·
Well clothes can always just say I forgot where "I" got them from, which I have forgotten, goldfish memory and all...
If I was to chuck them... nah...

I can't bring myself to chuck them, even if the memories now seem to carry less feeling each and every day, just the thought of her putting in so much effort only for it to end up in the trash. She has given me quite alot of practical gifts that can pass as whatever, it's the love boxes and stuff that's tough, those were made from something pure.

I just can't, hell I would protect them from damage if a new woman decides she's jealous and wants to stomp on them.

I don't know, maybe I should just return it to her in a box and let her do with it as she sees fit. Maybe that's what I should have done in the first place but the whole breakup was so rush and now we are in no contact phase and moving on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #63 ·
Lol!!! YES, for now it is!

Like I said, try searching online for grief and loss groups, or divorce groups...I bet you would get alot of support and relief from talking to people struggling the same way you are right now.
I dont know, I seem to keep waking up better better. And the more I distance myself from everything and the more my feelings wane the happier I am and prouder I am for what she did.
 

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I dont know, I seem to keep waking up better better. And the more I distance myself from everything and the more my feelings wane the happier I am and prouder I am for what she did.
But of course...we all feel better when we distance ourselves from our pain, and wall it up...but that doesn't mean it's healed and resolved, and won't come back to torment us and influence how we function in our new relationships down the line.

However, this is YOUR path and your way of healing - I could be completely wrong about what YOU need.
Just keep yourself open to the possibility of reaching out for real help if you ever feel like you need it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #65 · (Edited)
But of course...we all feel better when we distance ourselves from our pain, and wall it up...but that doesn't mean it's healed and resolved, and won't come back to torment us and influence how we function in our new relationships down the line.

However, this is YOUR path and your way of healing - I could be completely wrong about what YOU need.
Just keep yourself open to the possibility of reaching out for real help if you ever feel like you need it!
Doesn't feel like walling up, the happiness and pride seems to be drawn from the fondness I still hold for her.

It's odd really, bc in the end it's what a part of me wanted as well as I was done. I was tired of being made feel that I wasn't good enough so meh.

But yeah, if I ever feel stuck, definitely would seek further help. At my pace right though I seem to be recovering FAR faster than I had thought possible despite the devastating first week. I hope this doesn't mean my love for her wasn't as strong as I thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #66 ·
@LisaDiane

I was wrong... I'm not over it.
I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm going to pretend the relationship never existed and forget everything. I'm going to take photos of the momentos and then that's it, trash it goes.

Yet I am hesitant and I find myself lacking the strength to do this:
Rectangle Font Brand Screenshot Logo

I need to prioritise my self healing, she'll be fine and if it's life or death she still has my number to call. I've already deleted hers and can't remember it.
If anything this is a sign I'm not over it. I didn't unfriend my other exs, I didn't give a sh-t about them.

I give too much of a sh-t with this one and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories, I need to erase them from my life.
Am I doing the right thing? Is this plug worth pulling?
 

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@LisaDiane

I was wrong... I'm not over it.
I'm tired of this hamster wheel. I'm going to pretend the relationship never existed and forget everything. I'm going to take photos of the momentos and then that's it, trash it goes.

Yet I am hesitant and I find myself lacking the strength to do this:
View attachment 78484
I need to prioritise my self healing, she'll be fine and if it's life or death she still has my number to call. I've already deleted hers and can't remember it.
If anything this is a sign I'm not over it. I didn't unfriend my other exs, I didn't give a sh-t about them.

I give too much of a sh-t with this one and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories, I need to erase them from my life.
Am I doing the right thing? Is this plug worth pulling?
Everything you are feeling and going through is TOTALLY NORMAL and part of your healing process.
You will not be getting over it for a long time...

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't make ANY decisions about deleting things or throwing things away until I was in a more stable place emotionally. When you are truly feeling better, if you choose to get rid of contacts and mementos, you can be sure you are making a decision that you won't regret. There is NO reason to tackle all these things now - just put everything in a box and hide it until 3 months from now, and reassess then.

Part of your struggle might be that your coping strategy is to avoid and detach from uncomfortable feelings (good and bad), so you keep trying to do that, and when you can't, you feel overwhelmed and like you are never going to recover.

"...and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories..."

That is NOT true at all, it only seems that way when you can't escape from the hurt you feel. But easing yourself through these intense feelings is exactly what you DO need to do instead of avoiding them, and I PROMISE you, you WILL get a handle on your life, you will NOT drown and die from the pain and never recover.

You must give yourself time to mourn this loss. What would you do for a friend if they were hurting like this? That's how you need to treat yourself! Lay on the couch and watch movies, feel depressed, cry when you need to, JOURNAL...have you ever thought of writing letters to her, not to send her but that you keep for yourself...? You could pour your heart out to her and write anything and everything that you are feeling and that you want to say, and just empty your mind and heart onto paper (or on your computer), and save them for yourself. That might be a huge help for you in learning to cope in a new way!

You are grieving, which is spiral and undefinable, and VERY personal. Give yourself the acceptance and space you need to go through it.

Have you searched grief and loss groups online yet? I know I'm being a broken record with that, but I'm very serious that it could really make a difference for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
Everything you are feeling and going through is TOTALLY NORMAL and part of your healing process.
You will not be getting over it for a long time...
Not normal for me. It's been 2 weeks.

Also, if I were you, I wouldn't make ANY decisions about deleting things or throwing things away until I was in a more stable place emotionally. When you are truly feeling better, if you choose to get rid of contacts and mementos, you can be sure you are making a decision that you won't regret. There is NO reason to tackle all these things now - just put everything in a box and hide it until 3 months from now, and reassess then.

Part of your struggle might be that your coping strategy is to avoid and detach from uncomfortable feelings (good and bad), so you keep trying to do that, and when you can't, you feel overwhelmed and like you are never going to recover.
But I can't when I open up my phone and despite having archived and deleted our entire conversation my ex is still at the top of my contact list with the pic of her very smile I fell in love with all those years ago.

At the very least, I should unfriend her shouldn't I?

"...and I don't think I will ever get a handle on my life if I keep thinking about it, mourning the memories..."

That is NOT true at all, it only seems that way when you can't escape from the hurt you feel. But easing yourself through these intense feelings is exactly what you DO need to do instead of avoiding them, and I PROMISE you, you WILL get a handle on your life, you will NOT drown and die from the pain and never recover.

You must give yourself time to mourn this loss. What would you do for a friend if they were hurting like this? That's how you need to treat yourself!
Lol maybe you shouldn't ask me that question bc if it was a mate I'll tell him to get over it, focus on why the two of them didn't work out, and move on to new greener pastures :LOL:

Lay on the couch and watch movies, feel depressed, cry when you need to, JOURNAL...have you ever thought of writing letters to her, not to send her but that you keep for yourself...? You could pour your heart out to her and write anything and everything that you are feeling and that you want to say, and just empty your mind and heart onto paper (or on your computer), and save them for yourself. That might be a huge help for you in learning to cope in a new way!
I did, worse, I told her, on day 5. Now I have nothing more to say. That's when she made it very clear and I saw the crystal reality of our relationship. It did give me much closure though.

You are grieving, which is spiral and undefinable, and VERY personal. Give yourself the acceptance and space you need to go through it.

Have you searched grief and loss groups online yet? I know I'm being a broken record with that, but I'm very serious that it could really make a difference for you.
For me Im starting to doubt if staying on this hamster wheel will do me anymore good. Unfriending her then requesting a ban from TAM, I won't talk about it anymore and if I deal with it I deal with it in isolation.

I used to be completely independent and needed no one, my closest associates I also kept at arms length and recently reached out but I feel like I'm burdening them who have their own lives to live. I need to find myself again, and this is who I am at core. I learned to depend on others through my ex but its over now, I need to find myself again.
 

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For me Im starting to doubt if staying on this hamster wheel will do me anymore good. Unfriending her then requesting a ban from TAM, I won't talk about it anymore and if I deal with it I deal with it in isolation.

I used to be completely independent and needed no one, my closest associates I also kept at arms length and recently reached out but I feel like I'm burdening them who have their own lives to live. I need to find myself again, and this is who I am at core. I learned to depend on others through my ex but its over now, I need to find myself again.
This sounds like more shutting down and detaching. This is not how healthy people process hurt and disappointment.

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How we handle the loss of a relationship and how we grieve is influence by attachment styles experienced in our early years. Attachment styles are the ways we were cared for in our formative years. Those with secure attachment styles, whose caregivers were accessible and responsive, are able acknowledge that the loss hurts and are able to allow themselves to grieve. They know this pain will take time to heal, but are able to allow themselves to feel the pain while exercising self-care, seeking support of others, and spending time alone to process the loss. They spend time reflecting on what they can improve. They remain hopeful that they will find a suitable partner, and love, again.

By contrast, those with anxious or insecure attachment styles, due to inconsistent or neglectful caregivers’ attention in their formative years, have a harder time accepting and grieving the loss. They may try to get back with their former partner or might even stalk them. They may avoid the pain by jumping into another relationship. They have limited capacity to reflect on their actions and may blame their ex-partner for the loss. They may vow not to partner again. They tend to withdraw from social contact or even isolate themselves. These actions will interrupt the ability to grief and inevitably slow down healing. These people may also get stuck at grieving, especially if they start pining for the partner as pining is a sign of reluctance to let go and accept the loss.
 

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Discussion Starter · #70 ·
@LisaDiane

But I'm just going in circles about the same thing over and over and over and it all just comes down to: you were incompatible, that's life! Move on!

Reading from the secure section:
I have allowed myself to grieve, I have reached out to friends and family. I am exercising self care and unfriending ex seems to be the next step for my own sanity. And like it says, maybe right now is my time to be alone.

I will not be in full isolation either, not to mention probably won't stop flirting lol. Not jumping into a new relationship at all though, and if anything would probably just end up being someone's new fbuddy like in the old days.
 

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Discussion Starter · #71 ·
Nah... think I have to do this... thanks guys, for everything. I'll be back when my head is better on straight.
 
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