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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
MyH and I married 12 years. H 37, me 48. No kids. Four months since ILYBINILWY, he moved in with OW at that point. He is definitely going through MLC. H now in IC, still living with OW. We talk now and then, he is finally being honest with me. He is very depressed, very guilty. Very traumatic last year as his business failed and he has worked every day for past two years. He is trying to build his business back up now.

I am in favour of R as we have had such a close relationship. I am not pushing this or anything else as he needs to heal himself and so do I. I am currently NC. For awhile I thought it best to keep communications open. Now I just don't know.

There's lots of advice on here regarding infidelity but not so much about MLC. If you have any advice I'd appreciate it
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I realise there's never any excuse ever for cheating but the motivation is often different with MLC. Cheating is often driven from boredom, fantasy, the grass is greener etc, I think my husbands cheating came from a place of unhappiness and depression, hoping this person would make him happy. Well that's as I see it anyway. Any advice from those who have/had a WS in MLC much appreciated.
 

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MyH and I married 12 years. H 37, me 48. No kids. Four months since ILYBINILWY, he moved in with OW at that point. He is definitely going through MLC. H now in IC, still living with OW. We talk now and then, he is finally being honest with me. He is very depressed, very guilty. Very traumatic last year as his business failed and he has worked every day for past two years. He is trying to build his business back up now.

I am in favour of R as we have had such a close relationship. I am not pushing this or anything else as he needs to heal himself and so do I. I am currently NC. For awhile I thought it best to keep communications open. Now I just don't know.

There's lots of advice on here regarding infidelity but not so much about MLC. If you have any advice I'd appreciate it
Chopsy,

I found myself here at TAM about 2 years ago when the women I loved and had been married to for 17 years was suddenly a different person. She hit me with the D work on Valentines weekend and to me it came out of the blue. It was identical the the Walk-Away Wife syndrome, where I was clueless she was building resentment and giving me all the signs things were fine. She was depressed and going through the MLC.

The one thing I have learned is that MLC's are pretty common here at TAM by description, but some people just don't see it. Sadly, everyone here comes with baggage and POV that are scarred from personal experiences and may advise moving on needlessly.

MLC's are a fog that lifts over time. I think anytime someone has an EA or PA the first thing that should be looked at is whether the person could be going the the mental glitch of a MLC. If so and patience is given, I believe many of these marriages can be saved if forgiveness can be given and the sufferer of the illness can forgive self. Yours is clearly having issues with the guilt.

I highly recommend some of Michele Werner Davis's books like Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. She gets it! Many don't.

My marriage was a very good one, and thats why I fought for mine. It took patience I never knew I had. Many do not have patience in the pro-divorce world today.

If you have kids it might be even more worth fighting to get back.

My marriage is back and better than before. Well worth it!

I wish you well whichever path you take!
 

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A MLC is no excuse to cheat.

The advice for infidelity is all you need.
Cheating is never right, but it is a mental illness, without a doubt. My wife was never the type and all the sudden she was in an EA. I think they are blind to the depression and just like someone who commits suicide, they can make bad choices at this vulnerable time.

I think if we all view MLC's as the illness it is, we might approach it differently, by setting boundaries and mitigating the damage. This even more true for those marriages that were once in a very good place and suddenly seems like an alien has taken over the spouse.
 

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I realise there's never any excuse ever for cheating but the motivation is often different with MLC. Cheating is often driven from boredom, fantasy, the grass is greener etc, I think my husbands cheating came from a place of unhappiness and depression, hoping this person would make him happy. Well that's as I see it anyway. Any advice from those who have/had a WS in MLC much appreciated.
You get it! Michelle Werner Davis gets it too.

I think the divorce rate would be much lower if people understood MLC's and treated them as the illness thy are. IMHO.
 

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37 is a little young for a MLC, just sayin'.

It's important to take MLCs seriously, but it's also important to recognize when they're being used as a crutch or a "free pass" for illicit behavior.
 

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37 is a little young for a MLC, just sayin'.

It's important to take MLCs seriously, but it's also important to recognize when they're being used as a crutch or a "free pass" for illicit behavior.
Agree. This ain't no MLC. Depression maybe but not MLC.

Depression is also an illness but it's still not a reason to get a free pass for cheating.
 

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I would normally have agreed to this. But my counselor once told me that she had seen many, many people very deeply in an obvious MLC, in their late 20's. My counselor said my wife could very well be in one, simply because of her mother.

My ExW's mother died when the exw was 6 years old. She lost her father just 2 years ago. My exw is a very emotional person when it comes to thinking, or talking about her mother. And she had ALWAYS mentioned hoping she never got that cancer.

My wife, excuse me, exwife, nver said it, but I know she fears dying young. In fac,t now that I think about it, during one of our talks, she mentioned not wanting to die soon. Just dawned on me as I was writing. I remember, it was when we were talking in the truck.

All in all, I do not believe there is an age restriction for MLC, if a person realizes mortality, they realize mortality. No matter the age. Age may be one factor that makes them react a certain way, who knows.
 

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37 is a little young for a MLC, just sayin'.

It's important to take MLCs seriously, but it's also important to recognize when they're being used as a crutch or a "free pass" for illicit behavior.
37 not too young. Read up on it. It is depression at the core, it gets the MLC label because of the number who get depression in the 40's mostly.
 

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37 not too young. Read up on it. It is depression at the core, it gets the MLC label because of the number who get depression in the 40's mostly.
Then it's not a MLC - you said it yourself. It's depression masquerading as a MLC.

There is nothing here that contradicts my original statement.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
My H was very confused about his identity months before he left. He felt he didn't know who he was anymore. He has enormous baggage from a severely dysfunctional childhood. Im not looking fora crutch to explain things or an easy explanation to hide th truth. I'm fully aware of the truth. I've kept communications open but am currently NC. He is incredibly unhappy and I know his affair has not brought him any happiness at all. MLC is real, tho I know many people have their own views and maybe think I'm delusional . Im fully aware of the situation. Any advice would be helpful, thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Cheating is never right, but it is a mental illness, without a doubt. My wife was never the type and all the sudden she was in an EA. I think they are blind to the depression and just like someone who commits suicide, they can make bad choices at this vulnerable time.

I think if we all view MLC's as the illness it is, we might approach it differently, by setting boundaries and mitigating the damage. This even more true for those marriages that were once in a very good place and suddenly seems like an alien has taken over the spouse.
Chopsy,

I found myself here at TAM about 2 years ago when the women I loved and had been married to for 17 years was suddenly a different person. She hit me with the D work on Valentines weekend and to me it came out of the blue. It was identical the the Walk-Away Wife syndrome, where I was clueless she was building resentment and giving me all the signs things were fine. She was depressed and going through the MLC.

The one thing I have learned is that MLC's are pretty common here at TAM by description, but some people just don't see it. Sadly, everyone here comes with baggage and POV that are scarred from personal experiences and may advise moving on needlessly.

MLC's are a fog that lifts over time. I think anytime someone has an EA or PA the first thing that should be looked at is whether the person could be going the the mental glitch of a MLC. If so and patience is given, I believe many of these marriages can be saved if forgiveness can be given and the sufferer of the illness can forgive self. Yours is clearly having issues with the guilt.

I highly recommend some of Michele Werner Davis's books like Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy. She gets it! Many don't.

My marriage was a very good one, and thats why I fought for mine. It took patience I never knew I had. Many do not have patience in the pro-divorce world today.

If you have kids it might be even more worth fighting to get back.

My marriage is back and better than before. Well worth it!

I wish you well whichever path you take!
Hi This, thank you for your posts, I do appreciate it. How long was your wife away and what made her come out of the fog. I'm not desperate to R and a lot of things would need to change for me to consider it. I'm only keeping the door open as we've always been close. Our marriage wasn't perfect and I've taken responsibility for my role in it and what I contributed. Ive taken time to change who I am and am more confident and responsible for my own energy and happiness. It would be nice to hear what changed that gave you a chance to work on things.
 

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Hi This, thank you for your posts, I do appreciate it. How long was your wife away and what made her come out of the fog. I'm not desperate to R and a lot of things would need to change for me to consider it. I'm only keeping the door open as we've always been close. Our marriage wasn't perfect and I've taken responsibility for my role in it and what I contributed. Ive taken time to change who I am and am more confident and responsible for my own energy and happiness. It would be nice to hear what changed that gave you a chance to work on things.
You are welcome. I am very sorry this is happening to you. Just so you know I think you sound very healthy to me in your thinking. Very mature about this sad situation. It will help you however this ends up.

To answer your question how long. When I first heard the word Divorce, I was shocked, and made many mistakes which pushed her further away. Begging pleading, looking unattractive to her. I always left the door open, and encouraged MC, which we tried for months after, a bad MC stopped that. Then about 6 month later she up and walked out and left me for 4 months. Again convinced she wanted to D. Through period I had discovered the younger co-worker emails. EA.

I still knew the marriage we had before that was a good one, so After reading and rereading the book Divorce Remedy, I decided to wait it out. It all read like the depression called MLC. Convinced her to try MC again with a new one, which she did. She was stoic through the whole process, but I think it gave her a chance to clear the fog.

After 3.5 months of separation, doing MC and about a year after this all started, I decided I wanted my life back, with or without her, so I gave her a choice we either move toward R or D. R required she move back home and we work on it, D we would be going to the lawyer(s).

She took a step towards D and at the very last hour before I was off to the lawyer, she changed her mind.

She was still working through it and it took many more months till we really started to become the couple we once were, but in some ways we are better now than before.

I think the sad part is family in friends. Many of those relationships will be tarnished forever, but the marriage is much more important in my eyes.

Not sure if I answered your question. Please let me know if there is anything I can share to be helpful.

All the best to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks This! Very helpful to hear your story. I'll reread Divorce Remedy,I kind of gave up on marriage books for a time. Did your wife ever say what changed her mind from asking for divorce to wanting to save the marriage? Im glad she did. I do hope for my husband's sake, regardless what happens, that he doesn't stay in MLC for long as I've read how some people never address their issues and stay in MLC for years. I'm so glad hes getting IC now and I hope he sticks with it. I've been asking him for years to see someone as just never seemed to be happy and had some anxiety issues as well as paranoia about people.

Thanks for the compliment regarding my maturity! Im ashamed to admit it but I was very reliant on my husband. I was very unhappy with myself too, and probably depressed for awhile. Still depressed but working on it. I now have friends and know I have to find happiness in me and not to expect anyone else to make me happy. I'm a better person than I was at the beginning of this.

It's nice to talk with someone who gets it!
 

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At that last hour when she decided to go from D to R, she finally showed some tearful emotion and said she fear she would love me forever. It could be picked apart, but the message I received was that she loved me still. Knowing her as well as I do, it was clear she was still confused and in the fog, and needed time for it to lift.

It is a good sign he is in IC. If anything it will buy time till the clarity arrives.

Regarding your reliance on him. We all have that in any marriage. It can be taken to extremes, but I think it always appears worse in tough times, because we all trade off responsibilities that become normal till the relationship strays.

Treat yourself everyday to something as a reward for going through these tough days. You deserve it! I did.
 

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I would normally have agreed to this. But my counselor once told me that she had seen many, many people very deeply in an obvious MLC, in their late 20's. My counselor said my wife could very well be in one, simply because of her mother.

My ExW's mother died when the exw was 6 years old. She lost her father just 2 years ago. My exw is a very emotional person when it comes to thinking, or talking about her mother. And she had ALWAYS mentioned hoping she never got that cancer.

My wife, excuse me, exwife, nver said it, but I know she fears dying young. In fac,t now that I think about it, during one of our talks, she mentioned not wanting to die soon. Just dawned on me as I was writing. I remember, it was when we were talking in the truck.

All in all, I do not believe there is an age restriction for MLC, if a person realizes mortality, they realize mortality. No matter the age. Age may be one factor that makes them react a certain way, who knows.
I don't believe there is an age limit on MLC. It is a product of your life experiences combined with some emotional weakness.

My now ex-wife lost both of her parents...4 months apart several years ago. She was never the same after that. Her affair followed 9 months later. Losing her parents made her re-evaluate everything in her life...including our marriage. She was 38 at the time. She wouldn't open up and talk much but she did say things like she felt like an lonely orphan. She kept thinking about morality and that she didn't have much time left on earth. She wanted to live her life. It was a re-alignment of her values and priorities.

My own mother went through something similar but never left her marriage. After her grand mother died she went through what she describes as a MLC. She was only 31 at the time. She was unhappy with everything and felt a strong desire to walk away from my father and siblings. It lasted about 3 years for her and then she returned to her normal self. She, unlike my EX, had very strong religious beliefs that kept her from wandering off.

I believe that in our lives there are certain milestones, incidents, losses of loved ones, near death experiences...etc that can trigger a MLC in anyone especially people who are emotionally compromised in some way or have FOO issues. I also believe that lack of faith is a weakness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
At that last hour when she decided to go from D to R, she finally showed some tearful emotion and said she fear she would love me forever. It could be picked apart, but the message I received was that she loved me still. Knowing her as well as I do, it was clear she was still confused and in the fog, and needed time for it to lift.

It is a good sign he is in IC. If anything it will buy time till the clarity arrives.

Regarding your reliance on him. We all have that in any marriage. It can be taken to extremes, but I think it always appears worse in tough times, because we all trade off responsibilities that become normal till the relationship strays.

Treat yourself everyday to something as a reward for going through these tough days. You deserve it! I did.
Thanks TIM, your posts just make me feel a little less insane and not so alone in this. xo
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I don't believe there is an age limit on MLC. It is a product of your life experiences combined with some emotional weakness.

I believe that in our lives there are certain milestones, incidents, losses of loved ones, near death experiences...etc that can trigger a MLC in anyone especially people who are emotionally compromised in some way or have FOO issues. I also believe that lack of faith is a weakness.
Decimated, I totally agree with you and you put it so succinctly. I think my husband's dysfunctional childhood with alchoholic mother, mostly absent, often no food or heating, her many boyfriends etc, plus absent father had a bog impact on him. He's never been able to handle his emotions easily, he holds so much in. His mother died at 48.There is just him and his sister and I know he often thinks his sister doesn't care about him. His MLC has been building for years. I knew he wasn't happy in himself, very harsh and judgmental to himself. And his business going tits up and not even knowing who he was anymore I believe all contribute to it.

I've gone through my own issues, have sought therapy and have always been open with my emotions. I know he didn't want to face himself and deal with his issues, but now finally, he is in IC. I just pray he sticks it out. Thanks for your post, clarified for me where MLC originates and how it develops.
 
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