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Discussion Starter #1
Thanks for reading! I need someone other than family to give me advice. Maybe someone has been here before.

6 weeks ago my husband got mad at me over a fight and said I love you but I’m not in love with you. 2 years before he had an affair and begged me not to leave. He ended it with OW and she moved away to another state. He was very open after that not hiding anything and I had access to everything. We spent almost two years working on our marriage. He bought me a new wedding ring 3 months before ending it. We were inseparable and I was in love more than ever. Even all of our friends and family thought he loved me so much and that we would make it.

I did have a lot of pain after the affair and he wouldn’t seek counseling so I beat him up pretty good for awhile about the affair. I feel like I was moving on every day though and improving. When we had our fight he had given some wine i didn’t want to a coworker and didn’t tell me until I asked where the wine was. I went back to old wounds and flipped out. He was quiet a few days then came and said I thought about it and you’re never going to forgive me and I deserve it but your behavior made me not fall back in love with you and I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I don’t love you and I want to be free.

I felt the rug pulled out from me I felt we were closer than ever and he was my best friend. We had grown so close. He said I was trying to find it but never could and I’m not going to fake it anymore. I can’t accept this because he told me so many loving things and how lucky he was and how much he loved me. My friends and family believed it too.

to make long story short he wants to live here with me for the next year and pay our debt down then he wants me to give him 15k for a condo and buy his furniture. I keep the house and my retirement. We have teenagers one in college one in HS he said they can choose what to do. He said he wants to be friends and still be a family. I’m confused because he is still having passionate sex with me 3-4 times a week. Calls me babe. Makes plans for future family trips. Slaps my ass when we walk around the house. Strokes my hair. Makes dinner with me and binge watch shows and movies every night. He doesn’t go out. Sleeps in our bed. Told me neither of us should be sleeping with anyone else or dating. Still texts me good Morning most days. He also gets jealous thinking I’m talking to other men.

However he is friending a lot of women on SM, texting women who he says are only friends, Keeps his phone closer, doesn’t change his stance on divorce. He told me I’m better off without him and he has admitted to being excited about dating and sex after we are divorced. He is very popular in town and I was always beating the women away from him. He said he wants to explore that. I told him it’s empty and he is destroying our family for nothing. He can find love with me again. He said it’s too hard and wants to give up.

I feel like it’s so many mixed signals and I don’t want to lose him I love him very much. I should have forgiven the affair and moved forward. I see where I was wrong. He won’t forgive me now. He walks around the house whistling and happy. He works out everyday and I can see he is excited to be single. I think it’s wrong. We have been together 21 years. He has left me before in the past and come back. Is there hope or am I a fool?
 

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I am sure you will get a lot of interesting answers on here!

In my opinion, this is what happens when an affair is not properly processed at the time. It's not just a matter of "forgiving" or splitting up, there is a conversation that needs to be had. In many cases, it's the end of the relationship. In others, if both partners can actually change, really change, it can be the start of a better relationship. I have worked with a lot of couples going through this. What doesn't work is "rugsweeping" i.e. "getting over it".

We spent almost two years working on our marriage.
Working on it how?

I did have a lot of pain after the affair and he wouldn’t seek counseling
What reason did he give?

He was quiet a few days then came and said I thought about it and you’re never going to forgive me and I deserve it but your behavior made me not fall back in love with you and I’m tired of walking on eggshells.
The "quiet for a few days" is interesting. That's not just lashing out. It has to be acknowledged that if things are going to work out, the wayward partner (as we call them) can't be walking on eggshells (or "on probation") for the rest of their life. I can understand how he felt, that it would be like this for ever.

I felt the rug pulled out from me I felt we were closer than ever and he was my best friend.
Your feelings are not always an accurate guide to what is happening.

I’m confused because he is still having passionate sex with me 3-4 times a week. Calls me babe. Makes plans for future family trips. Slaps my ass when we walk around the house. Strokes my hair. Makes dinner with me and binge watch shows and movies every night. He doesn’t go out. Sleeps in our bed. Told me neither of us should be sleeping with anyone else or dating. Still texts me good Morning most days. He also gets jealous thinking I’m talking to other men.
Yeah. He is still not over this either.
I can see your dilemma. You don't want to stop the sex, because you're worried that will push him further away. But, you are letting him have his cake and eat it too.

However he is friending a lot of women on SM, texting women who he says are only friends, Keeps his phone closer, doesn’t change his stance on divorce. He told me I’m better off without him and he has admitted to being excited about dating and sex after we are divorced. He is very popular in town and I was always beating the women away from him. He said he wants to explore that.
Sure. It's the springtime. The sap is rising. Of course he's excited.

I told him it’s empty and he is destroying our family for nothing. He can find love with me again.
What is the tone like, when you have a conversation like that? With what emotion is each of you speaking?

He said it’s too hard and wants to give up.
He has no clue how hard it can be with a new person. Women respond differently to a married man flirting with them, versus a newly divorced father looking for a new relationship.

Are things "locked down" at the moment where you are? That might be in your favour!

Seriously, you need to lay down some boundaries as to what you can accept. The mixed messages is unacceptable. He can't say he's planning on divorce, but tell you not to date other people.

I should have forgiven the affair and moved forward.
I totally disagree on that. You would not have been able to do that.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
What is the tone like, when you have a conversation like that? With what emotion is each of you speaking?
We’ve had that convo twice now he was quiet listening. He told me he is broken and that I don’t understand what’s going on in his head. He loves women and he gets a lot of attention from them. He doesn’t deserve me and the kids for what he did. I did not yell I just told him I didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t love me. I said I felt he was pushing his feelings away. He said I’m good at hiding my emotions.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Women respond differently to a married man flirting with them, versus a newly divorced father looking for a new relationship.
He said he wants no relationships or marriage I would be the only one. If he can’t make it work with me who could it work with? He said he doesn’t want to answer to anyone anymore. He also said though he just wants sex but is looking for quality Over quantity. He said he has had several women ask him for sex as a married man. He works with the public meets a lot of people. He said he’s turned down a lot of women. The more he resists the more women want him. So I think he thinks he’s going to have no strings attached sex.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Are things "locked down" at the moment where you are? That might be in your favour!
Yes we are locked down. I’ve been acting nice and happy. He is on his phone a lot I’m afraid he is maybe having an EA. He swears he won’t cheat in anyway until we sign papers he made a promise to me he wouldn’t do that anymore and he wants to prove to me he changed even though I won’t believe it. I have snooped on him a little and he found out. He got mad but all I could find was him talking to people. I quit snooping because I know that won’t help the situation.
 

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Seriously, you need to lay down some boundaries as to what you can accept. The mixed messages is unacceptable. He can't say he's planning on divorce, but tell you not to date other people
I am not interested in dating anyone and I don’t want him dating anyone either. Especially if he’s going to be living here with my children at home. I told him if he wants to do that he needs to move out.
 

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he wants to live here with me for the next year and pay our debt down then he wants me to give him 15k for a condo and buy his furniture.
Is there hope or am I a fool?
You are not a "fool" to want an intact family, home, and life which has not been decimated by him having an itchy dong.

However, there is no hope. He's a selfish turkey. Keep your house and your kids. Tell him that if he wants to leave, you will help him pack. And, go to an attorney
before you give him one dime for a condo, or anything else. When you don't give him what he wants, he will come at you with raving vengeance.
 

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However, there is no hope. He's a selfish turkey. Keep your house and your kids. Tell him that if he wants to leave, you will help him pack. And, go to an attorney
before you give him one dime for a condo, or anything else. When you don't give him what he wants, he will come at you with raving vengeance.
If there is no hope why is he acting this way? We just had breakfast together and he said he’s excited for Easter as a family and we made plans for what dinner we are going to make. It will just be us as we are under quarantine. I will say to the second part when I’ve challenged not giving him his way and filing for divorce now he gets mad and said we don’t need to have a war and a nasty divorce. I have asked him to move out because he is on his phone a lot i believe talking to other women. He refuses to move out said I can’t make him and he’s not leaving.
 

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If there is no hope why is he acting this way? We just had breakfast together and he said he’s excited for Easter as a family and we made plans for what dinner we are going to make. It will just be us as we are under quarantine. I will say to the second part when I’ve challenged not giving him his way and filing for divorce now he gets mad and said we don’t need to have a war and a nasty divorce. I have asked him to move out because he is on his phone a lot I believe talking to other women. He refuses to move out saying I can’t make him and he’s not leaving. He told me I’m just mad because I can’t control who he talks to anymore and I just want him back.
 

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This is almost like I wrote it in 2017... this will really mess with your head. He is happy because you have told him he can stay until he is ready (apart from lockdown) . He is still sleeping with you because he can. I did the same thing. It made me feel like he loved me. If I had my time again I would have NOT slept with him. Your husband (like mine did) feels like these women will be here for him when he is ready, He is like a Rooster, he reaks of self-entitlement. He might find these women are no longer interested, then he will be trying to come back again. Don't fall for it he will just be off again.

Please stand your ground. Believe him when he tells you he doesnt love you. He really doesnt.
 

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So, you've both been 'acting' in order to get along.

You don't believe he doesn't love you even when his actions scream it and the words come out of his mouth.

He wants to be friends and still be a family and have sex with you whenever he wants. He wants, he wants, he wants. He doesn't care one whit about what you want. And, yet, you keep playing to him. Just STOP! You are enabling his cake-eating. Since he wants a divorce because he's too lazy to man-up, then you have to show him what a divorce will look like.

What if he gets mad? What if he doesn't stick around? What if he gives you an STD? You need to start acting in your own best interests and not his.
 

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This is almost like I wrote it in 2017... this will really mess with your head. He is happy because you have told him he can stay until he is ready (apart from lockdown) . He is still sleeping with you because he can. I did the same thing. It made me feel like he loved me. If I had my time again I would have NOT slept with him. Your husband (like mine did) feels like these women will be here for him when he is ready, He is like a Rooster, he reaks of self-entitlement. He might find these women are no longer interested, then he will be trying to come back again. Don't fall for it he will just be off again.

Please stand your ground. Believe him when he tells you he doesnt love you. He really doesnt.
I feel like I’m not going to survive this I love him so much. All these things online say if I give him space he can fall back in love with me. Weve been together 21 years longer than I haven’t been with him. I don’t know how I am going to make it. It’s like a terrible roller coaster.
 

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So, you've both been 'acting' in order to get along.

You don't believe he doesn't love you even when his actions scream it and the words come out of his mouth.

He wants to be friends and still be a family and have sex with you whenever he wants. He wants, he wants, he wants. He doesn't care one whit about what you want. And, yet, you keep playing to him. Just STOP! You are enabling his cake-eating. Since he wants a divorce because he's too lazy to man-up, then you have to show him what a divorce will look like.

What if he gets mad? What if he doesn't stick around? What if he gives you an STD? You need to start acting in your own best interests and not his.
I know it’s wrong to want him back but I do I’m afraid to make a mistake and push him away for good.
 

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I feel like I’m not going to survive this I love him so much. All these things online say if I give him space he can fall back in love with me. We've been together 21 years longer than I haven’t been with him. I don’t know how I am going to make it. It’s like a terrible roller coaster.
I was with my ex-husband for just over 20 years as well. I felt the same way as you do. I ended up having a nervous breakdown dealing with him just living with me until he was ready to leave. I also felt like I loved him so much, couldn't imagine my life without him. The only real stresses I have now are really with him still trying to call the shots and the only way he tries this is through the children. The man is an ass hat. The best day for me was sept 5th when he finally moved out after over an year and a half of what you are going through now.
 

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I was with my ex-husband for just over 20 years as well. I felt the same way as you do. I ended up having a nervous breakdown dealing with him just living with me until he was ready to leave. I also felt like I loved him so much, couldn't imagine my life without him. The only real stresses I have now are really with him still trying to call the shots and the only way he tries this is through the children. The man is an ass hat. The best day for me was sept 5th when he finally moved out after over an year and a half of what you are going through now.
How did your feelings change?
 

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How did your feelings change?
Over time ... the emotional abuse wore me down... it was a relief for him to finally leave ... I was still drawn to him after he left ... but at more of a distance I could see through him more. I got stronger after he left.
 

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You may love him but he doesn’t love you.

Sure, he’s excited right now. He’s planning a new life and in the meantime he has you as a willing outlet for sex. What’s not to like, from his point of view.

You can’t “nice” him back. Start focusing on you and not him.
 
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