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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi
Been separated for many months-getting mixed messages

He started by saying there was one particular thing that needed fixing but now makes general comments such as i was down all the time etc (which isn't the case although i did sometimes get down) and his views seem to be getting worse not better.

He's going out with his friends a lot but sees me every week or other week and we go for coffee,he fixes things around the house etc. On the otherhand he refers to our home as my home and will make references to things he'll buy going forwards. We talk regularly on the phone but recently i've generally had to call him and he's sounded friendly to start with and then mid way through the call it's as if a switch flips and he becomes distant.

he's removed me from his social networking site which he's just started using again. He knows that i hope we can work things out but when i asked where he was at with that he just said he wouldn't say anything at this time (neither positive, negative or anything between) but that pressuring him would not help.

What do people make of this?
 

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After reading your post I got two things out of it. 1. He is trying to shift the blame of the separation to you...that is why he said you were always down. 2. He is giving you mixed messages because he wants to keep you as plan B. My situation is similar to this, I know how hard it is, but you really need to do the 180 and go NC, you are only prolonging your pain and suffering. I wish you luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your response! He's been trying to shift the blame since the very beginning it's just he's adding things to it now! It's a real shame as we had some problems which if we could have just talked about them rather than in the context of the emotion of separation we could probably have sorted them out. That's what makes it so hard.

Think you're probably right about the whole plan b thing-he'd probably say he's taking time for himself and to see if there's anything still there but it's certainly not looking promising!!
 

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I started 2 threads, Confused like most and How do I get over this fear if you have time read those. Like I said my STBXH is acting the same way, and I got a bunch of great advice. It will get better, if you focus on you and not him. You decide if you're willing to be treated the way he is treating you (you deserve better) or if it's time to cut your losses and move on. Life is to short to be unhappy. It will hurt like crazy for a while, but each day you will get stronger and each "breakdown" will get shorter.
 

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You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out this 1 million piece puzzle, my advice dont play the game.

If there will be any chance at a R is will be when he is ready to own-up to his part.

I know it is hard as heck to do, but you must do the 180 and NC.

There is nothing you can say that will change things. If you focus on yourself, change for yourself, then it will at minimum get his curiousity.

By then you MAY be in a better place.

Good luck and welcome to TAM!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks all-definitely is crazy making behaviour!!

Worst thing is i keep finding myself coming up with reasons or the 'oh that must be it' scenario and then thinking if i tell him that will make things better...but assume that everyone else been there and knows it only makes things worse!! Apart from anything else he seems to think i'm just making excuses.

I did say some nasty things out of frustration near the end but having googled and spoken to people that never met me he's come to the conclusion that i was playing mind games etc While I may have reacted badly it's as if he's forgotten that he wound me up in the first place and can only see the reaction!!

180 definitely seems the way to go!!
 

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180 FIRST thing!

If you have the cash, go buy Divorce Remedy adn read it first imo.

Second, there's some other books recommended a lot here.

The 5 Love Languages

Love Busting? I think

Divorce Busting but it's older than Divorce Remedy.

His Needs, Her Needs

Fight Less, Love More or something like that. Get to reading! Here, and in books. If you don't, you're not trying, imho.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Got a few books and also going to individual marriage counselling (he won't go). He's convinced the problem lies with me so doesn't see why he should go. Will try Divorce Busting though!

It just frustrates me that he can't see anything that he did in the marriage that got us to what was initially just a rough patch-I understand that it's easier for him to cope by casting me in a completely negative light but there's no reason for him to destroy me and all memories of our marriage in the process!!
 

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Thanks all-definitely is crazy making behaviour!!

Worst thing is i keep finding myself coming up with reasons or the 'oh that must be it' scenario and then thinking if i tell him that will make things better...but assume that everyone else been there and knows it only makes things worse!! Apart from anything else he seems to think i'm just making excuses.

I did say some nasty things out of frustration near the end but having googled and spoken to people that never met me he's come to the conclusion that i was playing mind games etc While I may have reacted badly it's as if he's forgotten that he wound me up in the first place and can only see the reaction!!

180 definitely seems the way to go!!
So your STBX is also a 'LIVING GOD'!
The STBX was one.
In an effort to reconcile,I was all emotional(after months of begging and crying) and made a list of things of what all I did wrong,and made a single statment about what he did wrong.He nicely took all the apologies,and for the single statmenet regarding him,he had this audacious voice making me feel like I am piece of crap and he is the GOD.And he was done giving me the CHANCES he ahd.He called me just two days afetr that and asked for divorce.I said yes and asked him never to call me and just email me regarding the divorce.That B****** tried to reach me agan in 1 week,perhaps to enjoy that this separation will hurt me.What a loser and twisted mindset,I was grieving US and feeling sad that this relationship did not last long for stupid things,but he is some mad person with a distorted mindset and went on an ego trip thinking that I am pelading to be with him.To hell with him.
He is going to rot in his own decietful hell!!
And please do not fall prey to his mind game,Yes he is the one doing mind games,because he talks to you,give you hopes,accuses you of all,takes no blame on himself,makes you feel rotten,and you still hang there;End this vicious cycle;
He does not want to be with you.Fine !Take it.Tell hiim not to contact you anymore!

You cannot be his Plan B ,crying baby waiting when the God wants to come back or finally decides to dup;Please have some self-worth;Do nottalk to him anymore;Do things that make you happy;Talk to us here to get the ideas of many of us are surviving the crap and startng a healthy life.
ishing you the best! And I hope you start soon on your journey of detahcment from that smart person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks all-going to back off now and continue getting my life back in order! Not giving up hope that we can sort things out but this rollercoaster of starting to feel better, then having some other perceived fault pointed out and back to feeling awful again etc is not helping either me or any chance of sorting things out!!

He's not being unfriendly but is being distant-I spoke to him recently and he said i can't expect to speak to him everyday (whether by text or phone) as he's often busy. Not exactly promising-not sure whether he just wants space or if he's given up completely!!

Anyway, going to give him his space and in the meantime enjoy christmas and do the things i want to do!! He's out enjoying himself with friends all the time and certainly don't want him to think i'm just sitting around waiting for the next time we can talk!!!
 

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Anyway, going to give him his space and in the meantime enjoy christmas and do the things i want to do!! He's out enjoying himself with friends all the time and certainly don't want him to think i'm just sitting around waiting for the next time we can talk!!!
This is a great idea, do what makes you happy. Come here to vent and express your frusteration, it is a big help. Do NOT contact him at all! Disappear.

Just a side note, my STBXW is out enjoying her new found single life too!! Go out enjoy friends, hobbies, family, and the opposite sex attention.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
thanks :0) The annoying thing is did try to get out there and enjoy myself a few months ago and then he accused me of not caring...and then having got me locked away in my ivory tower and the ego boost he needed...off he goes out enjoying himself and turns it on me that i don't have a life!!

jmb123-that sounds exactly what i'm going through so i have full symmpathy! Just wish i could have been as strong as you rather than spending months believing all the things that were being thrown my way!
 

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thanks :0) The annoying thing is did try to get out there and enjoy myself a few months ago and then he accused me of not caring...and then having got me locked away in my ivory tower and the ego boost he needed...off he goes out enjoying himself and turns it on me that i don't have a life!!

jmb123-that sounds exactly what i'm going through so i have full symmpathy! Just wish i could have been as strong as you rather than spending months believing all the things that were being thrown my way!
Thanks jumanji.

You are strong else you wouldnot be here to find ways to clear the mess in your life.
Just act on it.
And who is he now to make you feel guilty.He is taking advantage of the fact that you still hav efeelings for him.
Nothing wrong loving someone but they should be worth it.You loved something in him which he is not today;So he has to earn it back to get your love back.For now he is just another man in the millions in this world.And do not do anything for him to see;It is your life and he is clean out of it now.Chnage your number,take him out of all you contacts,remove his stuff,ignore him when he wants to talk(rather when he tries to impose that he is a GOD again in FRIENDLY manner);Do not take his crap;
The one who shall really love shall be with us thru thick and thin and not these guys who leave us,find fault in us and enjoy at the same time.To hell with them.
So cheers to you for a new happy ,independent life Jumanji!!:smthumbup:
 

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Thanks all-going to back off now and continue getting my life back in order! Not giving up hope that we can sort things out but this rollercoaster of starting to feel better, then having some other perceived fault pointed out and back to feeling awful again etc is not helping either me or any chance of sorting things out!!

He's not being unfriendly but is being distant-I spoke to him recently and he said i can't expect to speak to him everyday (whether by text or phone) as he's often busy. Not exactly promising-not sure whether he just wants space or if he's given up completely!!

Anyway, going to give him his space and in the meantime enjoy christmas and do the things i want to do!! He's out enjoying himself with friends all the time and certainly don't want him to think i'm just sitting around waiting for the next time we can talk!!!
Jumanji, someone who married you at the first place and then treats you in this manner is not worth your love and wasting time upon;
He clearly is treating you like a doormat(in perhaps a polite way);Who is he decide when to leave you,when to call you;He wants your world to revolve round him;
I am not asking you to give up hope for R, am rather very openly asking you to give him up;he is not worth t(TILL HE TRIES-AND YOU SHALL KNOW IF HE COMES AFTER YOU THE WAY YOU DID TO HIM);
Do not keep your happiness prolonging for after Christmas when you get to talk to him;He is just another human being in thousand s of people;Have a blast this holiday;Ans I assure you if you stop contacting him for 2 weeks ,you shall soon ahve a clear head and not wnat the person back;(Let him try to woo you back if he wants in again);He was the one who broke the vows and walked out ,not you.
 

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It's all part of the process; to each individual, their own pace. Really, in hindsight, does that person really deserve you? What is he doing to fix it? NOTHING! Don't give him more of your soul, tears, love.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Funny you should mention the word 'doormat'-exactly what the marriage counsellor said (I went on my home-you probably won't be surprised to hear that H wouldn't go!) Stupid thing is it's exactly what i used to see happen in my parents marriage and i always swore that i'd never be the same...maybe there is some truth you learn how to be in a relationship from your parents (mine divorced when i'd left home!) In fact did exactly the same thing as my mother-let things go and kept things on an even keel, eventually built up and i got really frustrated and then out it came in a torrent...so i'm the bad guy!! Luckily with christmas here there's quite a few opportunities to go out so going get my hair done and go enjoy them :)
 

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Good to hear that!
A new haircut,daily excercise,meditation ,paying more attention to job,community service would help you to start a life fresh.

Yes even there were many things from my parent's marraige that I took and thought was ok(while it was not!);And I am happy am finally standing for myself without any apprehension;Having accepted the divorce made me strong.

I just wanna live fully and happily :)
 
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