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Hi. My name is Tina and I'm a newbie to the site. I'm a 43 year old mother of two wonderful children (a girl and a boy, age 10 and 7 respectively). I'm writing because I have no where to turn regarding a very trying situation that I've gotten myself into. I recently had unprotected, totally spantanious intercourse with a very close family friend. He is once divorced but got re-married four years ago to a very good woman. However, as life happens, he is now a very recent widower (His wife had stage 4 bone cancer -- really bad news!). She recently passed almost three months ago.

I am also divorced (only one marriage for me) going on over two years now. My DH needed "find himself" and so he decided to call it quits. Whatever. Anyway, I have been single ever since, and I've been trying to pour my life into my kids. No boyfriends and no sex for the last two years. I don't feel comfortable with a boyfriend being around my kids when they're so young. Maybe I'm overly cautious. Then again, with all the crazy things that you see happening today... Anyway, I digress. That's the backdrop or background or whatever you want to call it...

Now, to put it to you straight, about two weeks after his wife's funural, he comes over to the house, and asks if he could stay over for the night. Trying to be friendly and understanding, I said, "Sure. Why not?" I've known him for over five years, so I didn't feel like it was a big deal. Besides, the kids simply love him, and he is one of the few people in this world that I really trust. Well, to make a long story short, we had a few drinks and he and I ended up having "sex". I put that term in quotes because, to me, it was more like he mated with me than any kind of romantic notion to it. I have ZERO feelings for this man, and I'm fairly sure he feels the same way about me. It was, well... Sympathy sex if you want the truth. He was totally depressed and one thing led to another.

What's more, he actually sobbed while he was on top of me. Yes, SOBBED. As in, cried like a baby. What's more, the whole "encounter" lasted less than a couple of minutes. Oh yes, that's right ladies, a minute man to be sure. Not that it mattered anyway. I mean, two minutes. Jeez... That's not even enough time to let my brain know my pelvic region is even "online" (This was also the first time I had sex in over two years -- I am just being real here). But, like I said, this wasn't about me. It was about him. To be perfectly blunt, I didn't even know he had an orgasm. He was very quiet during the whole time. I honestly couldn't tell one way or another. It wasn't until minutes later (after he got up to use the restroom) that I realized anything more actually happened. But, you know, I don't even regret the fact that he ejaculated -- I mean, I suppose that's a given for guys -- something they need to do. It was the combination of emotions I felt during the act -- the rage, the bitterness, and especially the anger -- ALL of it was pent up inside him. In the end, I felt used like some kind of "sex toilet" or "sex urinal". Truly, when this encounter started, it almost like he really had to pee or something... Yet, obviously, it wasn't pee, it was soley to relieve himself sexually. Well, that's exactly what he did at my expense. I mean, look, I'm no prudish nun here, but still. I feel totally used, yet I almost feel like I understand him as well. Yes, folks, I'm a big girl and I can handle it. But, that's not the worst of the story.

My period is almost three weeks late, and I have been feeling sore down there, with some fairly noticeable tenderness in my breasts. Here's the clincher -- I've already taken four pregnancy tests (two at home, and two in the ladies room at work). I took them all in the morning, and all were my first morning pee. So, ladies, here's a couple of questions... All but one was negative. I think I might have "over peed" on the positive one because I really, REALLY had to go and I was so busy squatting and holding the damn stick that I just held it there for literally almost a minute (like 45 seconds or something). I just kept going and going. Anyway, I have a couple of questions ladies -- 1) Is it possible to over saturate (in other words, "over pee") a pregnancy test? It was soaked, and I mean SOAKED. After about six or seven minutes, it was faintly positive. All the rest were negative, and I've taken all but one over this past weekend (The positive one I took Friday morning, but the last three negatives, Saturday morning, Sunday morning and this morning). I also had about half a day of relatively major bleeding, and then nothing. No cramping, no "usual" period symptoms.

On the other hand, could I be going through pari-menopause? I mean, aside from two having had two kids, I’ve been “regularly” getting my period, pretty much within a day or two every month since I was teenager. What gives here? So, I honest hope I'm not pregnant (although I still feel like I MIGHT be). I'm really scared and I obviously haven't told him any of this. We have only talked once by phone since the encounter, and I feel that he has been sheepishly avoiding me lately. What's more, how do I tell my kids that I'm going to have a baby? I mean, seriously! I don't have a boyfriend, and they haven't seen any man around the house. Plus, I don't go out at night. So... I'm just going through "what if's" in my head.

Finally, I know what I did was really, REALLY stupid. I've been extremely careless. For that, I'm truly sorry for my actions. Nevertheless, sorry won't reverse a potential pregnancy. These things happen. And, I'm just really scared right now. Has anyone been where I'm at? PLEASE?!? Any comments (hopefully constructive) would be appreciated. Thanks.

--Tina
 

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Just a quick answer to your pregnancy test question....

If a test gets oversaturated it would more than likely be without any lines at all, pure white.....

If you've gotten a faint positive I would say you're pregnant....

BUT.....if your period is 3 weeks late you should have gotten a strong positive....

I would recommend to go see a doctor and get a blood test done....

Good luck !!!!!
 

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Here is the deal.
You are either pregnant or you're not.
Whether you were a woman who was happily married or a woman who had super quick, unsatisfying intercourse with a grieving widower the answer is still the same. You either are, or are not.

If you want to know immediately, asap, have a physician order a lab test.

If you are, you and widower will discuss and figure parameters out.
If you are not, it was the stress and we are not machines and skip periods every once in a blue moon.

YK?
 

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Just a quick answer to your pregnancy test question....

If a test gets oversaturated it would more than likely be without any lines at all, pure white.....

If you've gotten a faint positive I would say you're pregnant....

BUT.....if your period is 3 weeks late you should have gotten a strong positive....

I would recommend to go see a doctor and get a blood test done....

Good luck !!!!!
You're supposed to read results after 1 minute otherwise you could get false results. Bloodtest is only way to go.
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You're 43. You can go to a doctor. You could also be going through menopause. OR you could have just skipped a cycle. It happens, especially when perimenopausal.

Also, to write so judgmental about the sexual experience with a man who JUST lost his wife is rather rude. I would think if you were his friend, a true friend, and this happened, then you wouldn't make fun of him, but support him through this time despite the fact that you had sex. Sex is the closest (physically) two people can be...to mock it after he lost his wife is just cold.

Try this site: The Mommy Playbook - TTC, Trying to Conceive, Pregnancy, Parenting Message Board It's a pregnancy site. Better suited to your needs.
 

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1 minute? lol No. Any result up to 10 minutes is valid. Both my pregnancies showed up within 5 minutes.
Another problem that commonly occurs when it come to testing is going back to "double check" your results. Disappointed with a negative result at the 3 minute (or 5 minute interval depending on the test), a woman may go back to look again to see if maybe she didn't see that positive the first time.

Waiting for 5 or 10 minutes could set you up for false positive. Read package instructions - 10 minutes is too long - especially if 3 weeks late. You should get a positive showing as you pee - the hormone level would be so high.
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Discussion Starter #9
Also, to write so judgmental about the sexual experience with a man who JUST lost his wife is rather rude. I would think if you were his friend, a true friend, and this happened, then you wouldn't make fun of him, but support him through this time despite the fact that you had sex. Sex is the closest (physically) two people can be...to mock it after he lost his wife is just cold.

Try this site: The Mommy Playbook - TTC, Trying to Conceive, Pregnancy, Parenting Message Board It's a pregnancy site. Better suited to your needs.
Hi Darkhorse,

First of all, thanks for the URL link. I am sorry that you feel like I have somehow mistreated this man. He is a friend of mine. In fact, we are still very close despite having had sex. He is a good man. No really, he truly is. I didn't realize I was coming across as making fun of him or something. He is really greiving. I mean sore greiving. In fact, that was the SOLE REASON why we had sex in the first place. Yes, I felt sorry for him. Oh wow... Is that a crime? No, I don't think so. In fact, do you want to know something? There was no foreplay. ZERO. None.

He LITERALLY dropped his pants and pulled up my night gown. Neither of us were "naked" beyond that. He didn't even look at my breasts. All he wanted was my vagina. Period. I mean really, you would think at least he could have just humored me a little. Like, maybe even pretended to interact? But no, he just literally took like 20 seconds or so for him to find my vagina and then wham... It was over. If you wonder why I was kind of cold it is truly because HE projected his anger and pent up emotions for the past 2+ years and funneled them into my vagina. Gee, I wonder how that would make YOu feel? Trust me, you don't want to go there. Like I have explained all along, the whole event lasted in total probably less than 5 minutes. Really.

So, yeah, I'm worried. I don't want to have a child based on an impromptu 5 minute sympathy sex encounter whereby a man relieves himself into my vagina at my expense. I should have just blown him but I was very passive and allowed him to have his way. Stupid me! Remember, he is the man here. All he has to do is pull his pants up, take a long piss, and shrug it off. I, on the other hand, have to now be concerned with yet another child to birth and take care of. So, yes, am I acting a bit irrational? You think?

Also, my dirtbag husband ran around on me. And, yes, I was faithful to him. This is the only sexual encounter I've had in a long time, so please get off my back.

Tina
 

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Yea, I could see him not wanting to interact. He was still grieving. :( I can't imagine losing my husband to cancer. Losing my dad was enough :(

Perhaps you are just late for natural causes. I have skipped a few periods in my life (which sent me in a tizzy!!) but they came the next month :)
 

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Oh God I'm so sorry for your loss. I could never imagine losing my dad (or my mom for that matter). They really helped me and the kids through the divorce. I don't think he used me in some kind of sick way or something. I just wanted to be clear here. He was far too depressed and greived to be playing any sort of game with me. No, this was serious. In fact, in a strange way, he almost wanted to be nurtured somehow.

Looking back, I think what he really wanted was some closure. He fought hard alongside his wife in a very, very long battle. So, it is only reasonable for him to want some kind of intamacy (even if it was only for a few minutes). In fact, when he was sobbing on top of me, I gently rubbed my hands over his back through his shirt (our upper bodies were always fully clothed throughout the encounter) and told him it was OK. I don't know if I did the right thing or not, but he just continued to cry for a good minute or so before getting up. I can tell you what... My husband never did that. While I am not particularly "turned on" by seeing a grown man cry, I definitely positively can make an exception in this case. What's more, I really do think he needed the release. God, I mean... TWO YEARS of practically no sex or intamacy from his wife. Now that's sad. Totally understandable, but still sad. So, do I regret the whole thing? No. Would I do it again? Umm... Maybe. Except DEFINITELY use a condom. I mean, sure, it might not be 100 percent effective, but it is waaay better than nothing at all.

Thanks to you all for the advise regarding the pregnancy tests. I will take another one tomorrow and set up an appt. with my OB/GYN. I think that will be safest bet.

Tina
 

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You definatly need the blood test done. Some women have the low count HCG hormone in their system, you will get a false negative with the home test. Not all brands of pregnancy tests are created the same either. The most accurate home test I took was I had to pee in a cup, mix with mixtue and pour into a box.lol. That was 18-19 years ago when I had non planned pregnancy.

Good luck. I'd be headed off to the doctors asap! Let them know exactly what happened. They will give you better advice and options of what to do. You did have unprotected sex. I'd be keeping condoms near by just in case this happens again or you end up in a relationship. Usually when a man hasn't ejaculated for some time, they are very sensitive and it can only take a minute for them to orgasm. Maybe he was too embarresed to be noisy? Regardless, I wish you the best of luck.
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This man is overwhelmed with grief and I doubt he was using you to get off. He probably was looking for comfort, connection, etc. and then cried when he realized that boinking you wouldn't be a comfort. It probably felt awful to him and depressing because you are not his wife.

But honey, you have 100% responsibility for having unprotected sex. You have 100% responsibility for allowing him to have sex with you with no foreplay. You could have stopped at any time. You are not a victim, you are a participant. I'm sorry it didn't go as you would have liked, but given the circumstances, how could it have been anything other than awful? You don't like him romantically and there was no foreplay and his wife just died.

It is very hard to get pregnant at the age of 43 but not impossible. Get another test from a doctor and pray that you miscarry if you are pregnant.
 
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