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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I wrote a post a few days ago about my husband's "friend" and quickly deleted it because we continued to fight about it. I wanted to be able to add all/most of the facts for your opinions.

My husband has a co-worker that he deems his "friend", although they supposedly only talked at work or outside of work but in a group atmosphere. Here are a few things that came about to make me suspicious:

- After she transferred to another state he started talking about wanting to take orders there. When I asked him "isn't that where xyz went?" he said "no, she's 'here", "well, she's there for school and will be soon be in the other state", "oh yeah, I thought you meant where she was now" ---- first lie by omission

- suddenly wanting a cat (she is a self professed "cat lady") after 9 years of him saying he hates cats.

- he took up a hobby that she has.

- I found out last weekend that he sent her a "gift" that didn't work out for someone else, so he asked her if she wanted it. When I confronted him about this, I asked for his phone and asked him about the picture of the item, he said that it was something he gave a guy at work, so I asked for his computer and when he saw I was going to FB he immediately said "oh, but it didn't work out for him, so I sent it to xyz."--- another lie by omission.

Now cue in fight. I told him this situation was completely inappropriate. He is giving attention to another woman that isn't me and I told him that I'd be willing to bet that if there wasn't something there already, that he just totally made her heart go pitter patter in a "Look! This married man, that used to be my boss thought of me and sent me something" kind of way.

When I asked him to cut off contact, he refused. Here are a few things he said to me:

- She's "just a friend"
- He can talk to and do what he wants and doesn't have to "update" me."
- He won't let me take more of his friends away (I'll elaborate more in a bit)
- I'm isolating him (he is stationed 2 hours away and is gone all week. He is free to play sports and hang with the guys all week)
- I'm controlling
- I'm twisting things in my head.

You get the point. So I left the house and went to my best friends for the rest of the day and most of the night.

As for the "more friends" comment. That would be a "friend" that he had an EA with before we got married. He told me "it's been 7 years, we're different people now, and I should get over it already." She had contacted him on FB a few months ago and he now feels like he shouldn't have to cut people out of his life anymore.

The next day, he was talking (not the normal grunts and attitude) to me for the first time in weeks, being all nice and finally admitted that he wanted to work on our marriage and a lot of the things he said were out of anger. I sat on it till the next morning. I texted him and asked if he really wanted zyx back in his life, his response was "not if it means losing you and the kids." That to me was not good enough, I feel like that person should be gone and he should have no "need" for her. So, I sat on it again for the rest of the day.

Later that night, I told him that I am not comfortable with xyz or zyx in our lives, nor any other female coming in between us like this. He again starts in with the previous things said, plus:

- Then maybe you need to go out and make more friends.
- I wouldn't care if you had guy friends (I've never put him in this position, so he can't say for sure)
- When I asked him if he thought it was ok to put himself in a position to be alone with these "friends", he said "yes, because I have no plans to cheat on you."--- this blew me away.
- I asked him if she was worth our marriage and he said yes, that all his friends were. --- :(
- Sais what happened before we were married wasn't cheating
because there was no physical contact. But, there were i Love you's, she's (me) just my roommate and plans for her to visit.
- Threw in my face that my ex was still in the picture. My oldest son's dad and if it wasn't for my son, I wouldn't care where he is or how he's doing.
- Says this is a double standard, because he doesn't say who I can be friends with. Once again, I have never put him in this position and if he did come to me and say "hey, I'm not cool with this", you better believe he would come as my first priority.


He already has female acquaintance's that I have no problem with, because they are either happily married and have no contact beyond the "hey, how are you, your family, etc." I told him that if I had known about this "friendship" and he would have mentioned sending her the gift, then I wouldn't have cared. It's the secrets and lying by omission that grinds my gears and makes me lose trust.

He goes back and forth on you ARE my priority and you DO come first to no, my friends are more important, there's the door if you don't like it. I can't tell if he's saying these things because he means it or if he's trying to get a rise out of me. Either way, they are NOT cool.

A quick summary of us. We started dating 9 years ago, I brought a child into the relationship, we moved in together, his mom died- EA started, we were on the verge of breaking up after I found out about the EA, stupidly we got pregnant and were both very unhappy about it, grew stronger and became happy about having a baby together, got married 1.5 years later, happily married w/ no major problems, had 2 more kids together, he got stationed 2 hours away (in the middle of 3 year orders) and we decided he would go and come home on the weekends and me/kids would stay in our house for the better schools, multiple medical appt's we have each week for 2 of the kids and not having to worry about having a renter for our house. We have now had problem's for the past 6ish months, about 3 months ago things came to a head and we have thrown divorce around and either fight or don't talk. We just started MC, him in IC and I'm going to be starting IC soon. He is depressed and recently (2ish weeks) ago started anti-depressants. He had a tough child hood that he tends to use as a crutch (i.e. I do such and such because I was never taught different) and it's drives me CRAZY!

I hate that this portray's him and a terrible person, because he does have good points, really good points at that. BUT, the things he has said and done lately are eating at my mind and heart. They are consuming me and now making me wonder what the hell he is doing all week and makes me a paranoid mess. I hate this feeling, I have enough on my plate with 4 high needs kids, a husband, a house, a dog, getting ready to start back to school full time, and all this BS that he just threw at me.

Now that I just wrote what I can remember, it makes me wonder wtf I'm doing? *sigh*


If you made it this far, thanks. :mad:
 

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Ok, I'll do a little line by line here:

"I texted him and asked if he really wanted zyx back in his life, his response was "not if it means losing you and the kids." That to me was not good enough"

I understand where you're coming from but I think your reaction to this was a little over the top. He seems to recognize what continued contact could mean and he seems to have made the right choice here although he could have stated it better.

- Then maybe you need to go out and make more friends.
- I wouldn't care if you had guy friends (I've never put him in this position, so he can't say for sure)
- When I asked him if he thought it was ok to put himself in a position to be alone with these "friends", he said "yes, because I have no plans to cheat on you."--- this blew me away.
- I asked him if she was worth our marriage and he said yes, that all his friends were. ---
- Sais what happened before we were married wasn't cheating
because there was no physical contact. But, there were i Love you's, she's (me) just my roommate and plans for her to visit.
- Threw in my face that my ex was still in the picture. My oldest son's dad and if it wasn't for my son, I wouldn't care where he is or how he's doing.
- Says this is a double standard, because he doesn't say who I can be friends with. Once again, I have never put him in this position and if he did come to me and say "hey, I'm not cool with this", you better believe he would come as my first priority.

Agree that this is all pretty much crap!

If EITHER of you have a problem with the other's friend or two, that person should be gone.

As you know, being away from you for most of the week is probably the root of this problem but I don't know what you can do about it now. Is there anyone who could watch your kids overnight once or twice a week and you go be with him for the next week or two so you two can re-connect?

If so, Do It!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I, honestly, don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe a little of both.

Do I think every woman he talks to is an EA? Hell no. BUT, when she is kept a secret, he sends her a gift, and belittle's me while "fighting" for her. Then, yes, I think lines have been crossed and if it's NOT some form of affair, then it's well on it's way.

There have only been 2 people that I have been suspicious about in 9 years. The former EA and this "friend."
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
As you know, being away from you for most of the week is probably the root of this problem but I don't know what you can do about it now. Is there anyone who could watch your kids overnight once or twice a week and you go be with him for the next week or two so you two can re-connect?

If so, Do It!

The distance is most definitely the root of the problem. I wish we had someone that was capable of babysitting over night during the week that could handle getting the kids to where they need to be the next morning.
 

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Can any family member (mom, MIL, sister) come and stay a few days with kids?

Maybe not as often as I suggested earlier but this is important
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
I really wish there was. My parents are nearby, but with their work schedules, it would be hard. And, they tend to get frazzled easily when they aren't watching the kids under the easiest of terms. So watching them, getting them up in the morning, ready for and to school/appt's. would most likely drive them over the edge.

I'm giving us a couple more weeks of therapy to hopefully get us communicating a little more again and then we are going away for a weekend- no if's, and's or but's. We NEED us time.

Edited to add: With Christmas coming up he will be taking some time off, so we'll see each other more than normal. Which will be so nice.
 

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Listen to your intuition. I'd say if he is taking another woman's side over yours in an argument, and there are all these little clues that you listed, it doesn't necessarily mean he's having an affair, but you need to be on guard.

Being away from each other so often and on a regular basis is likely to pull you apart; and seems to me from my experience at least, men have a harder time accepting this set up than women. I'd suggest finding a way to be together much more often. Like no more than two days away from each other per week at most if possible, even if you have to move.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He has more than enough vacation time and flexibility to take time off w/out using vacation. So I'm going to ask him to start taking long weekends a couple times a month.
 

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That would be better but still may not be enough. It is asking him to be the one to make the changes; and the fair or most practical solution may not necessarily be the best, if he's hoping you'll show that you value him and the marriage above everything else. Just one opinion. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
We went to our 2nd MC appt this past weekend.

he went from leaving last Sunday with us actually talking and him telling me that he does love me and he does want to work on our marriage. That he's tired of fighting and saying things he doesn't mean. He, also, said that he hates not sleeping in bed with me (was sleeping on the couch) and hates not talking to me. He said he wouldn't be doing IC, MC, and meds if he didn't want to work this out.

Now, he's saying he's done and is staying for the wrong reasons (the kids) and just feels that he will be happier not having to be around me. He said a few things over text last night and I stopped responding because I did nothing to deserve what he said. During this he told me that it depresses him more to be around me and he hates talking to me, touching me and looking at me.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm tired of feeling small and pathetic. This isn't me!
 

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It could be many things making him act that way. The meds for example.
Attacking you for no reason at all (especially if you were doing something nice at the time) would make me most suspicious of an affair. (Shifting blame when he feels guilty.)
I'm sorry. It sound like you have a lot on your plate aside from him. Take care of yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
At this point nothing would surprise me anymore. Considering that he has never treated me like this and even when we first started having problems (August), he was still nice and loving. Then, as soon as I agreed to MC(start of Nov.), he flipped and has been downright mean for the past 4ish weeks.

So an affair is exactly where my mind is, especially with the "evidence." Although its not concrete.
 
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