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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello, I have recently installed a spy app on my phone and unfortunately found out that my husband picked up some chick at the bar. I am unsure of how far it went, but I know that they did not go all the way due to him not having a condom but it was sad to hear the intent was there. He still talks with her and is facebook friends with her so who knows if this is a one time thing while drunk or this will go any further. Only time (i.e. within this next week) will tell. In addition, he told her that he wished that I was struck by lightning and die so he could do things to her. He will be back within a week. I am not sure of how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I know and yell at him now, but that is probably not the best move. The disgusting thing is that I tlod him that I had a nightmare and had that he cheated on me and I couldn't sleep (so it was partially true) but he put on a new face and acted too caring and concerned while assuring me that would never happen. He also over compensated by talking with me more often throughout the day. However, I have found no signs of regret on his own and with his friends. But the evidence is inconclusive about how he talked about any of this to his friends. I overheard them telling him that he disappeared that night and he shrugged it off but I was hard to tell what his response was. I want my marriage to work, but obviously he doesn't through this behavior and prefers to live a double life. So we are most likely facing divorce when he comes home. Is there a way to give him an ultimatum or should I just leave him? Any advice? He was supposed to be gone for 2 weeks and our son was in the hospial throughout most of it, so this is very heartbreaking, upsetting, and disappointing.

In addition, I am close to another spouse and also found out that her husband had a fling. I am unsure of what to do. We were supposed to hang out tonight but I am not sure if I should cancel. Should I ever tell her or at least wait until after my husband comes home and deal with our issue first before telling her? Or should I never tell her, although I am probably breaking some sort of sister code by not?
 

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Who is in the military, you or your husband? Are you active duty? Why the two week separation - training?

How many kids and how old? How long married?

Infidelity is rampant in military families because of physical separation and time away.

Not sure I would confide in your friend at this point. Sounds like she is dealing with her own problems.

We need a little more background, but as for a knee jerk reaction to what you have disclosed - find and talk to a good lawyer. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Know what your options are if you decide to leave him.
 

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Hello, I have recently installed a spy app on my phone and unfortunately found out that my husband picked up some chick at the bar. I am unsure of how far it went, but I know that they did not go all the way due to him not having a condom but it was sad to hear the intent was there. He still talks with her and is facebook friends with her so who knows if this is a one time thing while drunk or this will go any further. Only time (i.e. within this next week) will tell. In addition, he told her that he wished that I was struck by lightning and die so he could do things to her. He will be back within a week. I am not sure of how to deal with this. I want to tell him that I know and yell at him now, but that is probably not the best move. The disgusting thing is that I tlod him that I had a nightmare and had that he cheated on me and I couldn't sleep (so it was partially true) but he put on a new face and acted too caring and concerned while assuring me that would never happen. He also over compensated by talking with me more often throughout the day. However, I have found no signs of regret on his own and with his friends. But the evidence is inconclusive about how he talked about any of this to his friends. I overheard them telling him that he disappeared that night and he shrugged it off but I was hard to tell what his response was. I want my marriage to work, but obviously he doesn't through this behavior and prefers to live a double life. So we are most likely facing divorce when he comes home. Is there a way to give him an ultimatum or should I just leave him? Any advice? He was supposed to be gone for 2 weeks and our son was in the hospial throughout most of it, so this is very heartbreaking, upsetting, and disappointing.

In addition, I am close to another spouse and also found out that her husband had a fling. I am unsure of what to do. We were supposed to hang out tonight but I am not sure if I should cancel. Should I ever tell her or at least wait until after my husband comes home and deal with our issue first before telling her? Or should I never tell her, although I am probably breaking some sort of sister code by not?
Report or do not report all of the gory details to your CO! If you choose "the do not tell" scenario and the CO later finds out that you indeed knew about it, then woe be unto you!

The military takes an extremely dim appreciation of infidelity within its ranks and will take great strides in attempting to "crush one's nuts" in a court martial setting with brig time and loss of rank, benefits and privileges; as well as expulsion from the military being used most often as the pawn cards of choice!
 

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The military takes an extremely dim appreciation of infidelity within its ranks and will take great strides in attempting to m"crushing one's nuts" in a court martial setting with brig time and loss of rank, benefits and privileges being used most often as the pawn cards of choice!
If only that was the case in the real world.
 

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Is counselling available through the military?

I am thinking couple's counselling, plus individual.
She can definitely go to counselling as a member of the military or the spouse of an active duty military member.

But it is a little soon for couples counselling when she has not even confronted him and does not know what his reaction will be.

I really think she should hold off on the confrontation until she gathers more evidence. This is probably not his first rodeo.

First step - consult attorney to see what options are and how to proceed with separation of divorce if that is what she wants. If she is open to R. knowledge of where she stands legally is a good thing.

If his AP is also military, he just stuck his neck in the noose.
 

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She can definitely go to counselling as a member of the military or the spouse of an active duty military member.

But it is a little soon for couples counselling when she has not even confronted him and does not know what his reaction will be.

I really think she should hold off on the confrontation until she gathers more evidence. This is probably not his first rodeo.

First step - consult attorney to see what options are and how to proceed with separation of divorce if that is what she wants. If she is open to R. knowledge of where she stands legally is a good thing.

If his AP is also military, he just stuck his neck in the noose.
Couple's Counselling only works if the cheater has acknowledged their cheating. So, yes, I agree, it is too soon.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
He is a reservist and gone for a short exercise. We have been married for 7 1/2 years and have a 4 year old son. I understand the military culture. I just thought that he was not like that. I was young, naive, and in love with him when we got married. I still love him which is why I am so hurt and why I am struggling with letting go of the marriage, which is what needs to happen. I have already spoken with a counselor briefly and will talk over this issue more on Tuesday. I have also already spoken with a lawyer. I am seeking mulitple opinions on this so I can do the right thing. Plus the issue with the friend is a tough one. But obviously I cannot tell her now since I need to confront my husband first. I am not sure if it is okay to hang out with her in this type of situation. I can stay quiet but I am obviously I am about to divorce from this group as well. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I have just read the rest of the replies. Everyone on this trip is eencouraging this behavior. Plus it it is not easy just to report. Yes they say that they frown upon it, but the culture actually frowns upon marriage. It is better to care for servicemembers to not have dependants in the military's eyes. I have approached him about counseling before when I had suspicions but no evidence. It only lasted a couple of sesdions before he refused to continue. I am hoping that he does counseling this time around but I highly doubt it. This will unfortunately end up ugly either way.
 

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Being a reservist does change things a little. Is he an officer?

But you are right to think that a bunch of weekend warriors on a 2 week exercise see it as chance to go crazy and wild in a climate where running into someone they know is almost nil.
 

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You should find out exactly what happened, how far it went before you make your final decision.

challenge him with a lie detector test and see if he agrees.. No doubt he will try spinning this
and claim you are over reacting. His comment about you dying though so he can satisfy his weenie is disgusting and probably the nail in the coffin.
 

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It's just not a military culture. It just happens more often I think.

I was in active duty and didn't cheat on my wife. I have also been on duty and caught two drunk Marines in the barracks. They had just arrived for the 6 month tour of duty in Japan. This happened on Friday night and by Monday to girl was trying to claim rape. They were both getting busted down in rank and lose of pay. That Friday night she kept saying how her husband would not forgive her.

Thing is they might not have been caught if their Sargent wasn't trying to break in through the window to stop the two. He was wasted as well.
 

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So you had his cell phone rigged to record his conversations even when he was not on a call? Is that right?

Do you have the phone bill? Can you see all the calls and texts that have gone to/from his cell?

You cannot use any recording that you got using some recording software on his phone. It's most likely illegal to have done that. So you need to keep your source of info to yourself. That's going to make it hard for you to talk to anyone about this.

What you probably need to do is to keep quiet and use this info to lead to more information that is not gathered illegally. For example if he is calling and/or texting to some number a lot, it might be to that woman or some other woman. If he's out picking up women at bars then he's probably doing some things when he's local too.

If you think that you can hold your ground on this. You could tell him that someone sent you a voice recording. That you have it and do not know the source. But it's him and some woman. On it he is saying that he wishes that you would die. So that's it. End of your marriage. Then file and divorce him. If you, for example handed him a typed out transcript of the recording he will know that you did somehow hear the conversation. But you would have to not give him the recording or tell him how you got it.

If you know her name or have her phone number, you could call her and talk to her. You could tell her something like that your husband told you that he's having an affair with her. Then let her talk and see what she tells you. I did something like that and got all kinds of info. She might, of course, call him after that and they can take it underground.

If you confront him, he's going to lie or blame it on alcohol. Or some other lame excuse. How are you going to react to his denying it?
 

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Is counselling available through the military?

I am thinking couple's counselling, plus individual.
I can testify that counseling through the military is a joke. Yes it is free, my spouse is in the Navy and we went to MC and IC through MWR fleet and family readiness and it was a awful.

All the 'counselors' are social workers and not psychologists. The marriage counselor quit & told us we needed IC before we could continue MC.

I went to IC for 2 months and they are all about reconciliation - I feel they are there for the sailors/soldiers and not the spouses imo 😠 so I quit going. My WH went for 3 months then stopped going & he got nowhere, then made excuses as to why he couldn't continue....

It's better to seek civilian counseling imo, good luck (((hugs)))
 

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All the 'counseling' in the world isn't going to CHANGE what this piece of **** said about his wife - that he wishes she'd get struck by lightening and DIE.

I'll never understand this constant group-think mentality that 'therapy' is the magic cure for EVERYTHING.

It isn't.

The guy is a lying cheater who was looking to 'play' while away from home and was ONLY supposedly stopped by the lack of a condom; it certainly wasn't his integrity that stopped him.

And I'm also willing to bet this wasn't Prince Charming's first rodeo, either. I see in a subsequent post you DO mention you've suspected him in the past but never got the proof. That just pretty much confirms that he's a serial cheater. The type who takes advantage of any opportunity that falls in his lap and up until now, has been lucky enough to get away with it. Serial cheaters usually DO get away with more because they don't mire themselves into emotional affairs with one person. That requires a whole lot of time and effort and dedication and tons of lies and sneaking. That type of affair also leaves lots of possible evidence - emails, texts, notes, gifts, cards etc. that can get them caught. That's not the usual MO of your average serial cheater. They usually prefer to take advantage of a situation when it falls in their lap (or they make it happen). It's usually a one-shot deal and when it's over, both go on their merry ways and the cheater returns home and no one is the wiser.

Some people just feel justified in cheating because they want the sexual variety and think they deserve it. Some enjoy the chase and the conquer aspect. Some like the ego strokes they get from a woman 'wanting' them. And whether he uses condoms or not he can still bring home something you don't need or want. He obviously doesn't screen his partners if he's looking to screw around with someone he just met in a bar an hour or two earlier, so it's obvious he's been taking risks with YOUR sexual health for years. Again, it would be horribly naive to believe he's never cheated before. He has.

Go ahead and confront him. He'll just lie. He may even claim he did it to get back at you because he 'knew' you'd planted a spy app on his phone and he was teaching you a lesson. The ridiculous lies they come up with are actually hysterically funny. But don't expect him to admit all the other skeletons he's got in his closet from the last 7+ years he's been married. You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of him admitting stuff from the past that you DON'T know about.

He's your typical serial cheating opportunist. There's nothing unique at ALL about him.
 

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People show you who they really are when you think you're not looking.

Your husband is a remorseless philanderer.

Counseling will accomplish nothing more than teaching him how to better conceal his unsavory behavior.

Dump the chump.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I will do a better reply later, but quick question. What ifI tell him that she contacted me on FB about them messing around in order to get me out of the picture? It is a lie. However, as much as I want to, it is probably a bad idea. What do you think?
 

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I can testify that counseling through the military is a joke. Yes it is free, my spouse is in the Navy and we went to MC and IC through MWR fleet and family readiness and it was a awful.

All the 'counselors' are social workers and not psychologists. The marriage counselor quit & told us we needed IC before we could continue MC.

I went to IC for 2 months and they are all about reconciliation - I feel they are there for the sailors/soldiers and not the spouses imo 😠 so I quit going. My WH went for 3 months then stopped going & he got nowhere, then made excuses as to why he couldn't continue....

It's better to seek civilian counseling imo, good luck (((hugs)))
Good military counselors will know when they're in over their head and provide a civilian referral. Some services, or even individual units within a service, are more willing to do this than others.

Do not be afraid to let the leadership at the mental health clinic know if you think their staff isn't up to snuff on your needs, and ask for a referral to someone who is.
 

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I am unsure of how far it went, but I know that they did not go all the way due to him not having a condom
Not necessarily so. That often doesn't stop people. And if he didn't, maybe she did. And there's a supermarket, bodega, drugstore or, in this case, BX/PX/Shoppette on every corner.

Unless you heard specifically that they didn't do it rather than they just didn't have a condom at the moment, don't make any assumptions ... and take all the necessary precautions (i.e. get yourself tested for STDs).

I didn't see if you answered whether or not he is an officer. If he is, and she is enlisted, then that's fraternization, a dead serious career ender. Nice bit of leverage for you if you have evidence and are willing to use it.
 
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