[douglas]

What do you get when you cross a female with obsessive compulsive personality disorder going through a midlife crisis? A personality that is the equivalent of a Molotov ****tail. From my perspective, my beloved wife is experiencing this right now, and all aspects of our family life are affected. We have three wonderful boys, we're married 17 almost 18 years, and she has made many of those midlife changes that come as result of her having turned 40 this past July: cut her hair to less than shoulder length to look younger (first time she cut it since I know her), lost 15 pounds in 10 days!, wanted to donate a kidney because if you save a life you save the world, goes to the gym now three times a week, has completely cut me off emotionally, and has ceased communication, is constantly irritable and agitated over every little matter, frequent references to her age has told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, has told me that she does not want me to control her and wants her own freedom.

If anyone out there can offer a glimmer of hope given the intersection of what appears to be clear "sonic boom" female midlife crisis only intensified by her obsessive compulsive personality disorder of wanting everything to be perfect and nobody can live up to her impossibly high standards, I would be most grateful.
I love her, I do not want to divorce her, I do not think she wants to divorce me, she has said she is miserable and will be miserable for the rest of her life. Unfortunately she cannot let go of whatever issues or problems we have had over the last 17 years. I have made changes and will continue to do so in order to improve our relationship, however she is not invested right now and wanting to commit to our future.
Any insights on how to best cope and deal, and how long such a crisis can last given the peculiarities of the obsessive compulsive nature I would be most appreciative.

 

[AlexNY]

... she has said she is miserable and will be miserable for the rest of her life ...

So much drama

She is not going to be miserable forever. She just wants a new man in her life. She is letting you know that your time is up.

How old are your children?

 

[douglas]

16,14, and 11 all boys. They see too much fighting between us.

 

[okeydokie]

i hear ya, i dont have quite the drama you have but am in the same boat. constantly irritable, or euphorically stupid at times. unreasonable, barking orders at everyone (except me cause i dont put up with it), always in deep contemplative and distracting thought, always concerned about soemthing (even petty stuff) and cant relax. wont take care of herself, martyr syndrome. overblows everything, messy as hell but wants everyone else to be neat. its difficult, but i love her and know she is struggling with peri-menopause, and i cant and wont ignore that fact.

 

[OhGeesh]

That sucks!!! IMO, it's not a switch that just goes off, it sounds like years of resentments, lack of communication, and sacrifice and now she is rebelling so to speak.

My wife and I are mid-late 30's besides wear and tear everything is better than ever. So, it is hard to relate, sounds like therapy may be in order.

Sometimes people have a life experience or hit a number and then look at their life and say "What the hell happened?" "I want to do so much more I want more I'm not a spring chicken anymore!"

The key is to do it together and plan for this way ahead of time fulfilling dreams as life goes on not saving for that one big bang.

Talk talk talk some more good luck!!

 

[douglas]

thanks for your insights, all. Yes there was a major trigger in September, major rejection by our temple and community for which she served selflessly and thanklessly for more than a decade. She had trouble getting over the fact that they could continue on without her. okey, i know she is struggling too, but the irritableness of mood, and her constant chorus of "After 17 years I'm fininshed, I'm through I'm done" - i was told to respond "OK if you're done then LEAVE" - she has never left. Adores her kids and too much embarrassment for her in the community. I have done much to try to show love, but she doesn't want that right now. She wants "space" - i never heard that expression before a few months ago. Bomb was dropped about 5 months ago. We are going together to therapy and she goes alone. Remember its MLC coupled with OCPD - an explosive mix.
Hoping to get through this rough patch - knowing that more changes will have to be made (I have tried to changed for her already - she claims to have notice none!, and praying that she will come to her senses and realize that the grass is NOt greener on the other side and that her marriage is not her problem, and another man is not her solution.
Thanks!