Okay. Did you show her money in vs money out?We went to 2 different states in June and July. We cannot do it every month.
It only becomes a crisis if you shut off all the new possibilities that are out there. I don't think I have had a MLC but have certainly had some life changing events such as divorce, moving country, death of a parent and IL's.Good evening
I think a midlife crisis is partially a realization of your own limitations, especially of your limited time. For me it was when I realize that I was not going to climb Mt Everest, go to the space station, win a Nobel prize, become a billionaire, hold high political office etc.
Its the realization that certain dreams will never come true, and watching as the range of possibilities starts to shrink.
This is a bullsh!t excuse, man. I've lived in the same city for 10 years, and I'm still discovering new places to go and new things to see.Going out on vacations mainly. Or going out on weekends. We do that but she wants more and wants me to plan all the time. There are only so many places you can go in a city you have lived in for 10+ years.
Day trips, dude! She wants quality time with you, doing fun things and making memories. The same old, day in and day out, is not quality time. Familiarity can breed resentment.We went to 2 different states in June and July. We cannot do it every month.
I have read so much on this very thing, the following article is one that I felt summarized everything I kept reading over and over and over about how to handle an MLC Spouse.Has anyone had any experience with waking someone up (or being woken up) from a MLC? From reading the other thread, and the PDF linked in this one, it fits my wife to a T (I mentioned the specifics elsewhere, but.. basically the entire checklist, from 'major illness/surgery', basically straight into the rest of the symptoms). Yet the information given suggests that even bringing up the concept of the MLC with the person going through it is a bad idea.
We're going to be done no matter what, so it's not about a R, but I am concerned that this selfish behavior may have negative impacts on our child when she has him around.
Decimated, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this.I personally will never understand the whole Mid-life crisis thing. I’m in my early fifties and have never experienced anything that would make me discard my values, principals, and goals in life and betray the ones I love. Sometimes I think it’s just an excuse for bad behavior but I do see some common events or experiences that seem to be precursors.
I was relatively happy in our 13 year marriage and I understand that no marriage is perfect. I was constantly being reassured by XWW that she was happy as well and that are marriage was strong. We had a nice home, new cars, 3 great kids, I have a great income working normal hours...no real worries. Our relationship was still strong and we had fun together. We would still chase each other around the house like newlyweds.
In all honesty, our marriage was always slightly one sided, with me being more of the giver. I earned 90% of our combined income while she worked part time at a job that she enjoyed but didn’t pay well. I was ok with that because I knew when I married her that she was a bit of a princess. It was part of her charm. I was willing to sacrifice if needed because my marriage and family was most important to me. That being said, everything else about our marriage was good. We were envied by our friends as an example of a solid marriage. She always seemed thankful for what we had as a couple coming from a divorced family herself.
Up until year 13 our marriage was honestly pretty good. We were both getting what we needed from each other and our marriage to be happy. I actually still have the holiday cards she gave me that year where she is gushing about how lucky and thankful she is for me and our marriage, and how much she loves me. Everything started to go south after her parents died...6 months apart.
After that…she was never the same. She quickly evolved into a super selfish version of her previous self. She opened up credit cards in my name, without my knowledge and racked up balances buying tons of new clothes, shoes, purses…etc. She became a Facebook addict, constantly posting pictures of herself which drew that attention of lots of guys. She wanted to go out partying with her friends, drinking more and quite often and coming home later and later. She started lying about where she was or at the very least, lying by omission. She stopped doing her share around the house to a point where I was doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, and even some of the cooking as well as working to pay all of the bills. Any attempts to discuss her behavior were met with an irrational attitude and blame shifting. Suddenly, it was all my fault. She was rebelling like a teenager. Then I discovered that she had started cheating with an old school friend. I was willing to ride out whatever she was going through except the cheating and lying. That was something I was unwilling to tolerate. I finally filed for divorce and kicked her out. The scary part about this is how fast she changed...it all happened within one year!
In retrospect, she became the poster child for a female mid-life crisis. It was the perfect storm of elements that came together at the right, or rather, wrong time. I feel the trigger for this change in her was the death of her parents. Other factors included: Her age...approaching 40 years old. We were married for 13 years at that point (years 10 to 15 seem to be common). Our kids were getting older and becoming more self-sufficient. She really became immersed in Facebook and the whole cyber thing. She also had too much spare time on her hands with no real personal goals beyond having children.
I will never know the real whys and I doubt that she ever will either. She never really took the time to dig deep within herself and sort it all out. This change in her was something that no one could or would have predicted especially our close friends and family.
FeministInPink, thank you and I absolutely agree. She wants to live more life...with her husband. She is communicating to him very clearly. OP has a great opportunity to respond positively and increase the satisfaction of their marriage and make it better for both of them. This is not a mid-life crisis, this is her communicating her needs. If he fails to respond to her it may become one though. He should step up while he has the chance.I don't think the OP's wife is looking to throw her marriage and everything else out the window. It sounds to me like the OP's wife wants to improve what she already has. She wants a little adventure, she wants a little spontaneity, she wants to recapture a little of the excitement that they had of being a new couple, in their youth. She wants the OP to invest in their relationship and court her the way he used to, to keep the spark alive.
If you read my original post, it is clear that I am asking rather than affirming. She's been on this "let's have fun" binge which is mainly focused on the kids but she is not averse to including me in it and she asks me also, but it is mainly places the kids want to go.[/QUOT I just had a thought yesterday that my wife may be entering into a mid-life crisis. She is late 30s. She's been talking more and more about "having fun" and just wants to do more and more vacations and is angry at me for being "boring". I am no more boring or more fun that other people in our friend circle with the same income levels and similar kind of life.
Can you list our some things you yourselves or your wives may have done which could be counted as a MLC thing?
I think part of the problem is that her parents died very young. They were in their late 50's...not much older than me right now. My XWW is 9 years younger then me. I think in her head she figured she was going to die young like them and she was running out of time.I'm sorry to hear your story, Decimated. I have no idea what may have flipped the switch in her head. What is she doing now? Did she get married?
How would you describe your marriage over the past 10- 20 yrs ? Do you think it all came to a head...does she hold any resentment towards you for anything that you & she never sorted out (# of kids, lost opportunities, where you live , anything), for instance..Thanks for sharing your story SimplyAmorous! From what I've read and discussed with my counselor you experienced one but a mild one it would seem and borderline simple transition period. It would be wonderful to see that in my wife and some of the other stories I've read in this thread. Sadly, ours seem to be more extreme - instead of spicing up our bedroom she wants it with someone else (or did...might have backed off that one) - she sees everything I do or say or whatever as some form of control manipulation on my part.
I am one who worships youth, one could say. I have always hated the idea of getting old, grey. .if I can't do for myself. I'd rather be dead.. I look at life like climbing a mountain.. the anticipation to reach the top.. that was us all these years..now we are at the Crest.. it's been some of our greatest years.. like we are standing at the top.. wind blowing in our hair.. seeing where we came from... how it all worked for good...I am nine years older than my wife so it's odd to me to see her go through this yet I haven't. Through a ton of reading and self-reflection it dawns on me that some people realize life is half over but the best is yet to come and some realize life is half over and they've missed out on a lot. No reasonable explanation exists for this difference in people but similar to some people are optimists and some are not.
Mid life really messes with our hormones.. in more ways than one....with my heightened emotional cravings to feel Young again.. live the Romance...My wife, and I don't mean this as a slam, has always been a little weak emotionally in my view - no so much that it was unattractive or annoying but I think I made excuses for her in my head that it was because she was a woman (sorry for the chauvinism ladies)....I've come to realize it's an individual trait and not exclusive to women of course (duh). She is just weak, her brother exhibits the same behaviors just less extreme. Her parents are awesome so I really can't figure out what happened to make both of them this way but I know now when she is depressed, it will be more extreme, when she is scared, it will be more extreme and by default if she swirls in an MLC, it will be (and is) more extreme.....
According to this.. I never had a Mid Life crisis.. I communicated very clearly what I needed.. wanted, how I was feeling.. why.. the remorse for missing it.. the drive to make up for it..... he listened, and supported every step of the way..FeministInPink, thank you and I absolutely agree. She wants to live more life...with her husband. She is communicating to him very clearly. OP has a great opportunity to respond positively and increase the satisfaction of their marriage and make it better for both of them. This is not a mid-life crisis, this is her communicating her needs. If he fails to respond to her it may become one though. He should step up while he has the chance.
I wish I had the opportunity that he has now. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have responded if there was something, anything communicated to me. You are correct, A real mid-life crisis is a complete and swift re-evaluation of all of life's priorities followed by a destructive course of action.