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There's probably some truth to what you've posted - however, not being turned on by a guy wouldn't always be a reason to not have sex with him. I probably wouldn't even give a guy a second date if I wasn't sexually attracted to him. That wouldn't mean there's something wrong with him inherently - we just wouldn't be a match.

I really do concern myself with safety, trust, health, etc. when considering a partner. I've heard that I'm called a "serial monogamist" - but that's just the way it is. There are people walking around out there with undiagnosed STIs of all different types and the absolute best way to avoid them is to not have sex with infected individuals. So, I would be looking for a partner who is clean - as unsexy as this may be. Damn those anatomy and physiology classes!

When I first met my husband, he was getting out of a longterm marriage and had been separated for six months - and by the time we first had a date, it was nearly a year he was out of that relationship. He had been monogamous. That was important to me.

But I didn't know any of this completely until we had gotten to know each other over time. Believe me, I wanted to have sex and wanted to have sex with him in particular and he with me as well. Sometimes that waiting was excruciating. We devoured each other the first time we had sex.

So, it wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him. I don't know if the percentages of people with my mindset are just very small or what these days - but a few of us are very sexual, just not willing to take a health risk for a few seconds of bliss. Like I said, condoms only protect to a certain extent...fluids leak around condoms and fluids get exchanged in any sexual encounter so, to me, knowing one's partner and understanding that monogamy is the safest form of sex, plays a role for some people. A 90 day rule may be something that some people laugh at but it's actually smart and logical.

There should be a distinction: are we talking about new partners or mature marriages here?

I personally did always prefer to ‘chase & hunt’ down women I liked. Maybe it’s in my dna (can do nothing about it) but having women spread their legs for me without having to put any work: I found this always very confusing and kind of off putting (no offence to anyone who’s into it though; it was just my preference).

As far as mature marriages: my wife still likes me to take & ‘conquer’ her, sexually. She doesn’t do it in a ‘sh1t testy’ or ‘mind ****ing’ way (usually)...She just likes consensual non consent stuff, on a wild occasion (which is quite often).
She’s turned on by it. Hugely. I understand other women here possibly can’t relate to that, that’s fine and they have their own preferences (which I don’t judge).

There’s a big difference between this and using sex as a ‘currency’ or doing it because they are unattracted (?) to their partner.


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Here is my take on dating in our "mature" years.

we all want that crazy in-love feeling....ya'know the one that means all you can think about is that other person and what they are doing and so forth.

the problem is.....we arent young and naïve anymore.....think about it.....when you were in your teens and 20's......dating was all about having fun and we saw everything through rose colored glasses. the other person had plenty of faults but we either ignored them, didn't recognize them, or we pretended we could live with them.

Now we are older and wiser (most of us anyway :laugh: ) and have the clarity of past experiences and failures and can spot problems a mile away. How many of you have friends dating and head over heels in love and yet you look at them and go "no way they are going to make it"...…..

The point is.....the wisdom that has been gained does make it much tougher to find a really compatible person.....and don't even throw in the responsibilities and baggage that comes within your life that wasn't an issue when you were young.

I think the expectations of a "golden sunset" and meeting someone at this point, where all the pieces just fit perfectly together, everything flows like wine....well....are just totally unrealistic.

if you want to find that special person you may need to decrease your expectations a tad.
 

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Here is my take on dating in our "mature" years.

we all want that crazy in-love feeling....ya'know the one that means all you can think about is that other person and what they are doing and so forth.

the problem is.....we arent young and naïve anymore.....think about it.....when you were in your teens and 20's......dating was all about having fun and we saw everything through rose colored glasses. the other person had plenty of faults but we either ignored them, didn't recognize them, or we pretended we could live with them.

Now we are older and wiser (most of us anyway :laugh: ) and have the clarity of past experiences and failures and can spot problems a mile away. How many of you have friends dating and head over heels in love and yet you look at them and go "no way they are going to make it"...…..

The point is.....the wisdom that has been gained does make it much tougher to find a really compatible person.....and don't even throw in the responsibilities and baggage that comes within your life that wasn't an issue when you were young.

I think the expectations of a "golden sunset" and meeting someone at this point, where all the pieces just fit perfectly together, everything flows like wine....well....are just totally unrealistic.

if you want to find that special person you may need to decrease your expectations a tad.
I agree with a lot of what you wrote her, I really do.

Now, maybe I am one of the lucky ones, and that would be a first for me but maybe...

However, at 54, unless things go south which I do not expect, I honestly believe that I have met the one, the love of my life, or however anyone want to put it.

Now, neither of us are perfect, but the overall relationship, is about as perfect as it gets. And for me, and her, we tend to think that our R is some type of karmatic gift, that we are both receiving because of the **** that we have both been through in our lives.

To many, that may sound like hogwash, which is cool, but it is real for us.

Now where the wisdom seems to come in is that if we have an issue, even one that is hard to solve, our experience in life seems to allow us to communicate better, not perfect yet, but pretty well.

So for me, you know, I have loved more than my share of women, and some of them were really great, but it kind of did not work out for different reasons. If it had of, whatever the issue was, I think I might have had really long relationships with some of those women.

However, this R, is something unlike I have ever been a part of.

So short of a zombie apocalypse, I think we will be together until we die, at least I hope that is a substantial amount of time.

Now, is my think a fluke, or can/does it happen to others???
 

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I agree with a lot of what you wrote her, I really do.

Now, maybe I am one of the lucky ones, and that would be a first for me but maybe...

However, at 54, unless things go south which I do not expect, I honestly believe that I have met the one, the love of my life, or however anyone want to put it.

Now, neither of us are perfect, but the overall relationship, is about as perfect as it gets. And for me, and her, we tend to think that our R is some type of karmatic gift, that we are both receiving because of the **** that we have both been through in our lives.

To many, that may sound like hogwash, which is cool, but it is real for us.

Now where the wisdom seems to come in is that if we have an issue, even one that is hard to solve, our experience in life seems to allow us to communicate better, not perfect yet, but pretty well.

So for me, you know, I have loved more than my share of women, and some of them were really great, but it kind of did not work out for different reasons. If it had of, whatever the issue was, I think I might have had really long relationships with some of those women.

However, this R, is something unlike I have ever been a part of.

So short of a zombie apocalypse, I think we will be together until we die, at least I hope that is a substantial amount of time.

Now, is my think a fluke, or can/does it happen to others???
time will tell. I would add one thing you have going for you....being "old" also means being set in your ways. But that can be a good thing too......if there are no big changes for either of you and you like the "package" each has to offer. How many marriages start out younger.....only to end when a few years down the road when one persons career advances or the other grows into this "new" person that other had no idea was coming? seems pretty common to me.
 

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time will tell. I would add one thing you have going for you....being "old" also means being set in your ways. But that can be a good thing too......if there are no big changes for either of you and you like the "package" each has to offer. How many marriages start out younger.....only to end when a few years down the road when one persons career advances or the other grows into this "new" person that other had no idea was coming? seems pretty common to me.
True, time will tell. I think the part about being set in our ways is true and in a why not true...

For me, the way that being set in my ways comes out, besides my general wonderfulness, is that from the start, I insisted on complete honesty. If there is an issue, I want it to be dealt with in a positive way, but no rug sweeping or left over resentment.

I guess that I stress communication at every level. We do really well with that and it gets better as we go along.

But, some of the other things that you mention, yeah, at this age, we don't really have those issues, and frankly, that part is great.

We both have grandkids that we babysit from time to time, sometimes together and sometimes babysitting apart if one of us has something to do.

But a lot of the pressures that happen in young relationships are not an issue for us. So, it is OK to devote time to us, and it really is refreshing...
 

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Or how about a person who started in family life "later" in the game. As for me, I am easily the oldest gentleman in my school district picking up the kids. lol
Seriously, all the moms and dads are in the early to mid 20s. Her I sit at 44. My daughter's teacher welcomed me to her classroom as my kid's "grandfather". No ish. THAT Really happened.

So for the relationship thing that scares the hell out of me. Is women my age or older are already empty nesters with all THAT entails. And I am still going to school theater and extracurricular sports dates. Lots of the women MY age kind of look away at this. Kinda like, "no thanks, already did that years ago." look. So if in 5 years and my marriage is NOT safe, I am seriously looking at a very secluded life. All my eggs were in one basket. The family basket. Being respectably good looking and charming will only get one so far.

Not to mention the "desperate" daters.....Don't get me started on that! I have a few buddies that went down that road and seriously regretted it.
 

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Has anyone read "9 Excuses You'll Hear From Cheating Men," an online article by Dr Solomon? Basically it says men get bored with the spouse/partner and men want to try new lips, touch new body parts and have new sexual experiences. The article indicates this is human nature for men and those who do not act upon these desires still have the desire. So where do men draw the line of commitment?

As a ‘man’, I personally don’t identify with this at all. Happy to keep touching the same body parts that I always liked touching...
Who is this Dr Salomon? Caligula?



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Has anyone read "9 Excuses You'll Hear From Cheating Men," an online article by Dr Solomon? Basically it says men get bored with the spouse/partner and men want to try new lips, touch new body parts and have new sexual experiences. The article indicates this is human nature for men and those who do not act upon these desires still have the desire. So where do men draw the line of commitment?
Nope. Don't get it. In fact, quite the opposite; the longer I'm married, the more the idea of my lips touching lips other than my wife's actually creeps me out. It may be human nature for men in general, but I'm sure I'm not the only exception to the rule.
 

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"Basically it says men get bored with the spouse/partner and men want to try new lips, touch new body parts and have new sexual experiences. The article indicates this is human nature for men and those who do not act upon these desires still have the desire. So where do men draw the line of commitment?"

Yeah I throw the BS flag on this one. Married 30 years and I am NOT looking at trading for new lips or any other part.
It is up to US to make sure that we don't get bored in our relationship (and not just sexually...)
 

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Or how about a person who started in family life "later" in the game. As for me, I am easily the oldest gentleman in my school district picking up the kids. lol
Seriously, all the moms and dads are in the early to mid 20s. Her I sit at 44. My daughter's teacher welcomed me to her classroom as my kid's "grandfather". No ish. THAT Really happened.

So for the relationship thing that scares the hell out of me. Is women my age or older are already empty nesters with all THAT entails. And I am still going to school theater and extracurricular sports dates. Lots of the women MY age kind of look away at this. Kinda like, "no thanks, already did that years ago." look. So if in 5 years and my marriage is NOT safe, I am seriously looking at a very secluded life. All my eggs were in one basket. The family basket. Being respectably good looking and charming will only get one so far.

Not to mention the "desperate" daters.....Don't get me started on that! I have a few buddies that went down that road and seriously regretted it.
Im in the same boat. Im in my late 40s and have middle school children. I tend to date older than me but what man in his 50s is going to want to give up his freedom and live with a house with kids?
 

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Im in the same boat. Im in my late 40s and have middle school children. I tend to date older than me but what man in his 50s is going to want to give up his freedom and live with a house with kids?
You know, if the men that you have dated think this way, don't date them.

I was in my 50 and dated a younger mother, she had a 2YO and a 12YO. It did not work out, but it was not because of the kids. I loved those kids.

If it had worked out, and she really was a sweet girl, I would have raised the kids as my own.

So, if you are seeing that from someone, then move on...
 

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Discussion Starter #92
Thank you to those who suggested reading "Mars and Venus on a Date," just got my book and already I am seeing things in a different light.
 

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Or how about a person who started in family life "later" in the game. As for me, I am easily the oldest gentleman in my school district picking up the kids. lol
Seriously, all the moms and dads are in the early to mid 20s. Her I sit at 44. My daughter's teacher welcomed me to her classroom as my kid's "grandfather". No ish. THAT Really happened.

So for the relationship thing that scares the hell out of me. Is women my age or older are already empty nesters with all THAT entails. And I am still going to school theater and extracurricular sports dates. Lots of the women MY age kind of look away at this. Kinda like, "no thanks, already did that years ago." look. So if in 5 years and my marriage is NOT safe, I am seriously looking at a very secluded life. All my eggs were in one basket. The family basket. Being respectably good looking and charming will only get one so far.

Not to mention the "desperate" daters.....Don't get me started on that! I have a few buddies that went down that road and seriously regretted it.
My hubby is 51 with a 12 year old. My kids are in their 20's. It works great for us. I'm a former schoolteacher, so I LOVE kids. My step son still thinks my jokes are funny, and he still gives hugs :)
 

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Discussion Starter #95
"There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners: Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four." a quote from Mars and Venus on a Date. This is the very thing I have been looking for but have found that 90% of the men I have had communication with do nothing to spark my attention and have been quickly weeded out.

"I was amazed as a counselor to discover a striking pattern. Quite often women who were extremely attractive, who looked like models and movie stars, and in some cases were, would share the same complaint. Their husbands were not sexually attracted to them. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't imagine any available man not being attracted to these women. Yet, it was true. I eventually realized why. These women had been pursued by men who were primarily sexually attracted to them but didn't really get to know them. When a man feels sexual chemistry, quite often he "thinks" he knows a woman; he feels interested in her, he likes her, he even thinks he loves her. The real test is whether he still likes and loves her after he gets to know her." Another quote from the book and something I have said many times over and this makes perfect sense to me. I have seen so many men with gorgeous wives, perfect body, and the men are crazy busy checking out every woman in the room.

"When physical chemistry is not backed up by chemistry in the mind, heart, and soul, then it cannot last or grow in time. Once the pleasures and passions of the body are experienced without corresponding passions of the mind, heart and soul, the physical chemistry will dissipate. Physical attraction can be sustained only when it springs from chemistry of the mind, heart and soul." I sure hear this one!!! Seems the men I have been close to can only allow so much closeness. It is like they are waving me in but once I get so close then they are holding out the stop hand so these connections are not fully made. I have questioned what I have seen and just wonder how many men have wounds so deep that they cannot allow themselves to be close.
 

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"There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners: Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four." a quote from Mars and Venus on a Date. This is the very thing I have been looking for but have found that 90% of the men I have had communication with do nothing to spark my attention and have been quickly weeded out.

"I was amazed as a counselor to discover a striking pattern. Quite often women who were extremely attractive, who looked like models and movie stars, and in some cases were, would share the same complaint. Their husbands were not sexually attracted to them. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't imagine any available man not being attracted to these women. Yet, it was true. I eventually realized why. These women had been pursued by men who were primarily sexually attracted to them but didn't really get to know them. When a man feels sexual chemistry, quite often he "thinks" he knows a woman; he feels interested in her, he likes her, he even thinks he loves her. The real test is whether he still likes and loves her after he gets to know her." Another quote from the book and something I have said many times over and this makes perfect sense to me. I have seen so many men with gorgeous wives, perfect body, and the men are crazy busy checking out every woman in the room.

"When physical chemistry is not backed up by chemistry in the mind, heart, and soul, then it cannot last or grow in time. Once the pleasures and passions of the body are experienced without corresponding passions of the mind, heart and soul, the physical chemistry will dissipate. Physical attraction can be sustained only when it springs from chemistry of the mind, heart and soul." I sure hear this one!!! Seems the men I have been close to can only allow so much closeness. It is like they are waving me in but once I get so close then they are holding out the stop hand so these connections are not fully made. I have questioned what I have seen and just wonder how many men have wounds so deep that they cannot allow themselves to be close.
Keep reading.

It is not because they can't allow themselves to be close, it is because men are extremely autonomous by nature and they do not quickly and easily change that nature. So when they feel emotional intimacy, it may be a good thing and they love it, but they will automatically pull away again to establish their autonomy, which has nothing to do with us. It is not because they can't handle the intimacy, it is because they naturally prefer autonomy.

Read about the rubber band theory, and then read it 5 more times. It takes awhile to really get it.

Also about why men talk so much about themselves on early dates.
 

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Keep reading.

It is not because they can't allow themselves to be close, it is because men are extremely autonomous by nature and they do not quickly and easily change that nature. So when they feel emotional intimacy, it may be a good thing and they love it, but they will automatically pull away again to establish their autonomy, which has nothing to do with us. It is not because they can't handle the intimacy, it is because they naturally prefer autonomy.

Read about the rubber band theory, and then read it 5 more times. It takes awhile to really get it.

Also about why men talk so much about themselves on early dates.
Not to TJ, but there is another reason as well.

It is on your Other Two Empathy threads...

Also, a smart man NEVER talks about himself on early dates unless she asks, and really not more than you have to. You want her to talk about herself because you want to know her, dare I say even try to understand her, and at the same time, you are on the lookout for CRAZY...
 

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Not to TJ, but there is another reason as well.

It is on your Other Two Empathy threads...

Also, a smart man NEVER talks about himself on early dates unless she asks, and really not more than you have to. You want her to talk about herself because you want to know her, dare I say even try to understand her, and at the same time, you are on the lookout for CRAZY...
Maybe you could also read the book and give your thoughts about it.
 

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Maybe you could also read the book and give your thoughts about it.
I have, but see, I get that we are different. I also get that my experience tells me, as a man to never, ever, ever, be vulnerable, ever.

I know it is too macho, but I swear, every time I have let myself be that way, it was not good.

Women can chase me, love me, hate me, whatever, I don't care, at this point I just can't and I won't.

Maybe that will change one day, but it has to be a woman that is super strong to understand that a man like me, even occasionally, can be weak.

So far, even current GF, does not get that part of me, and I suspect she never will...
 

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I have, but see, I get that we are different. I also get that my experience tells me, as a man to never, ever, ever, be vulnerable, ever.

I know it is too macho, but I swear, every time I have let myself be that way, it was not good.

Women can chase me, love me, hate me, whatever, I don't care, at this point I just can't and I won't.

Maybe that will change one day, but it has to be a woman that is super strong to understand that a man like me, even occasionally, can be weak.

So far, even current GF, does not get that part of me, and I suspect she never will...
Which book have you read?
 
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