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Discussion Starter #1
When and if you get wasted drunk and you say something very hurtful, statistically what would be the truth behind what was said? If you need background on my 10th wedding anniversary over the weekend my husband got really upset with me over drunken drama. Called me names, blah, blah, blah, then when I had enough I begged to go to sleep, blah, blah, blah, then said he was only with me to keep the children at home with him because if we would potentially separate I would move back home from California to Louisiana. He doesn't remember any of it and said he was just being drunk and stupid but I still feel terrible about it and would like to know if this is something men do because generally if I say something drunk or not it will have some truth to it.
 

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I think most of us have said some really dumb things when drunk - and sometime said things we wouldn't say without that "liquid courage."

So - I'd guess there was some truth and some exaggeration.

Unless drinking is a problem for him, I would focus on how he treats you when he's sober and not just on one drunken evening.
 

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I would say there is a grain of truth in there.

Talking while drunk is often a way to communicate about a dissatisfaction without experiencing the backlash. you get to say 'i was drunk' and its not taken seriously - although a seed was planted.

I also agree with the above , listen and look how you are being treated AND how you treat him when sober.

Obviously there are some issues in your marriage that need to be worked on. NOW is the time to work on your marriage.
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Discussion Starter #4
soulseer, that is what I am afraid of. I'm trying to not look too much into it but my husband never shares his feelings for me so it is hard to shrug off when it goes from nothing to something so huge.
 

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There are many signs and there have been for years now. There is not much more I can do on how "I" treat him. I feel I've been working on myself for a while, and there is not much I can do without it becoming unhealthy for my self esteem so if there is truth to this there is not much I could do anyway with his mentality of keeping me for the kids. I just don't like the dishonesty in staying with someone for the children. He is misleading me in feeling loved and secure while having his actions doing other things all the while saying he loves me and is happy in our marriage. I have a lot of thinking to do.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks, but he never initiates for whatever reason. It is not sex as it happens 2-3 times a week initiated by me and it would be more but we have children.
 

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I will tell you something, don't take his words at heart.

if he was really drunk he can very well said things he did not mean or exagerate little trues and make them see as a big problem, I have two examples for you:

N1- I was really drunk and I wanted to confess my eternal love to my friend's wife, thank god 2 other friends stop me and it never happened.

The next day I did not remebered that I tried to do that, but after both of my friends told me, I had some flash backs, the true is that I knew my friend's wife for many years and I had a crush on her when we were teenegers but by no means when this happened I was in love with her and I had never thought she was the love of my life (I really don't know where that came from).

N2- I was really drunk again, and I told a friend that he was not my friend anymore, that I have always been loyal with him but when I needed him, he failed me, and I didn't trust him anymore, and I didn't need a friend like that in my life.

Why I told him this?, because he couldn't take me to the airport one time, and I had taken him in two previous ocassions, I mean, I was kind of pissed but I will never cut a friendship or put that drama just because he could not reciprocate a favor.

so maybe there is some true in what he said but not real feelings.

I mean, maybe he does really think that if you divorce you will take the kids to Louisiana, but that does not mean he wants divorce or is thinking in divorcing you, is just something he thinks you will do if you both got separated.

also drunks can be jerks if you want to force them to do something against their will, he could very easy just blurp something to hurt you for you to leave him alone.
 

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I have a low tolerence for drunks. I would be pissed if my significant other said those things too. If it only happened once I could get over it but if its reoccuring, I'd think Id send her to AA.
 

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Sometimes I think that we use alcohol as a convenient scapegoat.

How is it that in his drunken state he didn't confess his undying love , go down on his knees and ask you to marry him ( again ,lol.) or other harmless , silly stuff ,instead of saying those hurtful things ?

I know he wasn't in control of his mental faculties , but therein lies the problem, in my opinion. I would have been just as confused as you , because I would be thinking that what's deep inside , came out , because of the alcohol. If it wasn't inside , it could never come out , alcohol or not. So there might be a grain of truth in what he said, and that's the worrying part.

Of course you can't justifiably cast judgment on him if he was an otherwise excellent husband , father and friend. What came out of his mouth would then have been out of character for him. But if you can see a clear a connection between his mutterings whilst drunk and the way he treats you when he's sober , then your concerns are valid , and they need to be addressed.

In any event , drunk or sober , never accept abusive treatment.
 

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How is it that in his drunken state he didn't confess his undying love , go down on his knees and ask you to marry him ( again ,lol.) or other harmless , silly stuff ,instead of saying those hurtful things ?
Yeah, this. When I am pretty drunk, I am all over my wife. I sing to her, make sloppy seduction attempts, and get kind of gropey. I'm just lucky she's never recorded my antics.

The point is, I get more loving and more interested in her. I think when you drink hard, your core personality elements emerge. If he is normally polite but consistently nasty when drinking, you are probably seeing the real him.
 

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Firstly, drunk or not, that doesn't sound like an appropriate way for a man to treat his wife. Your entire OP paints a picture of someone who should not be drinking.

As for alcohol, it lowers inhibitions. As such, some people would say that alcohol doesn't make people do or say anything that they didn't already want to. Others might say that the lack of inhibitions causes people to act out of character and do things they normally wouldn't. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

It's also contextual. When my wife and I have recently gotten into an argument, it's much more likely once I've had a few drinks that I'll want to talk with her about whatever the problem was instead of wanting to go hop in the sack. Note, however, that I certainly don't yell at my wife or call her names.
 

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Yeah, this. When I am pretty drunk, I am all over my wife. I sing to her, make sloppy seduction attempts, and get kind of gropey. I'm just lucky she's never recorded my antics.

The point is, I get more loving and more interested in her. I think when you drink hard, your core personality elements emerge. If he is normally polite but consistently nasty when drinking, you are probably seeing the real him.
Drinking flips your polarity. Some of the things we do when drinking are imaginations which would have never been acted upon. Some of the anger antics are things that we were being nice about, but didn't hurt us that bad, but when alcohol is in you, the slights seem much greater and you recognize their lack of concern and get angry.

BTW, the American Indians were given tons of alcohol so they would fight each other.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thanks everyone for your thoughts :) I agree with all of you. I feel that he was drunk so it was not his usual self. In sober day to day life he is withdrawn and cranky because he works so much. I do not complain or nag about anything because he is very defensive and short with me. So if I have something to say I say it as short as possible and tell him it is not up for debate it is my observations/feelings not ever expecting any change because things are what they are and if I don't accept it I will drive myself crazy and I don't want to be unhappy. He never ever voices any dissatisfaction in me which always makes me feel he is not honest with me about his feelings. At times I feel he is a robot performing his role as husband/father. I'm not sure he has the capacity to fulfill me emotionally so I have accepted a lot of things because I so love him very much. He is loyal, and on a usual basis does not call me names, does not abuse me physically. He is just distant and socially awkward. I don't think that is enough to remove my children from their father but since he said that the other night, I could "in theory" paint a picture in my head that he just works and acts his role to keep things how they are and maybe he is not happy and is not being honest with himself or me. If this is the truth I think I deserve to know the truth so I can seek an honest life to live in. I have asked him and he says he loves me very much...I wish I could read minds this would make everything so much easier...lol
 

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As for alcohol, it lowers inhibitions.
This absolutely.

It's unlikely he vocalized it off the top of his head. However, I'd be quite certain that it's a thought or feeling he's had at least once before. Maybe it's a recurring thought/feeling, or maybe it was the result of a (recent?) single event/issue, or fleeting moment. It may not be how he truly feels all the time. Or it may be.

I wouldn't dismiss it, but I also wouldn't go looking for ways to further validate that it is his 'reality'.
 

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I think a clue is in the method of delivery. If someone is plastered and makes a cutting remark without even realizing it, chances are it's the way they really feel. OTOH, when a person is drunk and wants to hurt someone, a lot of times that booze will make them say ANYTHING to hurt you, even if it's not necessarily true.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
I wouldn't dismiss it, but I also wouldn't go looking for ways to further validate that it is his 'reality'.
Yeah, I'm usually a more logical person and I was doing well with it until recently when my mind started wondering. I need to start focusing on something more productive because now I'm looking into everything that was done that could have a hidden implication.
 
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