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Discussion Starter #1
In my practice, I see a lot of couples for couples counseling and a lot of women for individual counseling. I would estimate that only about 15% of my practice is men who come to counseling for individual counseling.

Our society has done a diservice to men by indirectly teaching them that it is not okay to get emotional, or share their feelings. The truth is, how is a man supposed to act when his wife has cheated on him, ignored him, or put more time and investment into other things besides him.

One of the things this website provides is confidentiality. It can be a place where men can share their feeligns, and it is completely annonymous. Men, on top of coming here, counseling can also be very beneficial. Like this website, counseling is also completely confidential. Therapists are bound by law to maintain that confidentiality.

Coming to counseling does not mean that you are crazy, weak, or unintelligent as society might have you think. It actually means that you are man enough to recognize that there are some things that you cannot overcome on your own. Asking for help is not a weakness, it is a sign of strength and humility.

Men, I would love to help you in any way to find a counselor; whether that counselor is myself, or someone else. Feel free to PM me if needed.
 

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I am a rare male then. Both the wife and I have been doing MC for 4 months and IC. Even though she walked away (now back) and is confused on what she wants, I have gone about twice as many times as her.

She rarely wants to spend time talking about our marriage with me and says she wants it to happen naturally. Which seemed to translated to nothing happening.

One question I have is that our MC / IC is a female. I like her but, lately I have been thinking that maybe I might be better off with a male IC who can see more of the male perspective. Any thoughts?
 

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I am a rare male then. Both the wife and I have been doing MC for 4 months and IC. Even though she walked away (now back) and is confused on what she wants, I have gone about twice as many times as her.

She rarely wants to spend time talking about our marriage with me and says she wants it to happen naturally. Which seemed to translated to nothing happening.

One question I have is that our MC / IC is a female. I like her but, lately I have been thinking that maybe I might be better off with a male IC who can see more of the male perspective. Any thoughts?
As people are in therapy for an extended period of time, progress often starts to plateau. I think changing counselors is definitely something that you should consider if you feel like it would benefit you more and increase your chances of success. Getting a male counselor with the male perspective could definitely be helpful. I think you should talk to your wife about this. If she is unwilling to change counselors, you can at least get a different counselor for your IC.
 

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You have to find the right counselor though. And this can be a process. When my XW and I went to our first counselor, she told me “you have to just get over her affair and move on. She’s stopped and said she’s sorry so now let’s work on your marriage.” I asked her if she would give the same advice to a woman whose husband had been beating her but had stopped and said he was sorry. Her face turned beet red and she got very angry with me… kicked me out of her office actually. My point was if a person doesn’t know why they did something they can’t fix it – be it infidelity, any kind of abuse or whatever. And I needed to know that she know why...

This counselor was obviously an uninformed cheater with an agenda. If you feel uncomfortable with your counselor, get another one.
 

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In my practice, I see a lot of couples for couples counseling and a lot of women for individual counseling. I would estimate that only about 15% of my practice is men who come to counseling for individual counseling.

Our society has done a diservice to men by indirectly teaching them that it is not okay to get emotional, or share their feelings. The truth is, how is a man supposed to act when his wife has cheated on him, ignored him, or put more time and investment into other things besides him.

One of the things this website provides is confidentiality. It can be a place where men can share their feeligns, and it is completely annonymous. Men, on top of coming here, counseling can also be very beneficial. Like this website, counseling is also completely confidential. Therapists are bound by law to maintain that confidentiality.

Coming to counseling does not mean that you are crazy, weak, or unintelligent as society might have you think. It actually means that you are man enough to recognize that there are some things that you cannot overcome on your own. Asking for help is not a weakness, it is a sign of strength and humility.

Men, I would love to help you in any way to find a counselor; whether that counselor is myself, or someone else. Feel free to PM me if needed.
I think this is true and I've definitely considered it in the past. We've gotten to a point now where things are better between us and did so without counseling, but I have no doubt it would have been easier had I done at least IC for myself. She'd refused MC so that wasn't an option then, but "on my own" was definitely the hard way.
 

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I feel comfortable for the most part and see she has tried to be helpful, but I do see her giving me more grief than the one who is confused on what she actually wants.

The female IC seems to look at me through the female lense and more sympthetic to the female POV, which is understandable, but not so helpful to this male who wants his marriage to not just survive, but thrive.

I don't see the W wanting to change MC.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
You have to find the right counselor though. And this can be a process. When my XW and I went to our first counselor, she told me “you have to just get over her affair and move on. She’s stopped and said she’s sorry so now let’s work on your marriage.” I asked her if she would give the same advice to a woman whose husband had been beating her but had stopped and said he was sorry. Her face turned beet red and she got very angry with me… kicked me out of her office actually. My point was if a person doesn’t know why they did something they can’t fix it – be it infidelity, any kind of abuse or whatever. And I needed to know that she know why...

This counselor was obviously an uninformed cheater with an agenda. If you feel uncomfortable with your counselor, get another one.
Yes, finding the right counselor is crucial. If you don't feel like your counselor understands you or shows little empathy, get a new counselor.
 

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Many years ago an old girlfriend suggested we go to couples counselling and I learned so much about myself and how to nurture a relationship that when I started having problems in my current relationship I suggested we see a counsellor. Unfortunately my partner said "you're the one who's screwed up - you go."
I did, and again learned an enormous amount about how my partner was thinking and how i could meet both our needs.

The critical issue here is that the counselor identified that my partner has borderline personality disorder. This revelation has made the difference between a break-up and my careful steps to deal with the issue.

Given the choice between seeing a counselor and fixing a relationship thats wonderful most of the time, or divorce, the counselor is a much better option.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
The critical issue here is that the counselor identified that my partner has borderline personality disorder. This revelation has made the difference between a break-up and my careful steps to deal with the issue.

Given the choice between seeing a counselor and fixing a relationship thats wonderful most of the time, or divorce, the counselor is a much better option.
You never know what you will get out of counseling. Sometimes you will get advice. Sometimes you will get support. Sometimes you will figure out the answers to your problems yourself. And sometimes you will get a new awareness that changes your perspective of your situation, like you did shilka.
 
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