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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Everyone,

I hope someone can give me some advice.

I married a man from a Muslim culture, was head over heels in love, married last 4 years, I'm Catholic.
We have had a million things going on, his family has been terrible to me, sick family members, me being sick etc...

He basically checked out and turned into a different person the day after the wedding, it seems like he just wanted to get married, no matter what.
He started going out (8am) huge fights, going to strip clubs behind my back.. drinking, throwing things.. crying.. emotional roller coaster. I started pulling away, we tried counselling but he would get violent afterwards (I told the counselor this, who just seemed not to care), he wrote suicide notes, drove drunk...

Finally he started questioning me and accusing me over things while my mother was dying in the hospital, and at that point I had had enough.

So we have been living apart, but he somehow feels like I owe him something? We are still married because I have an ongoing health condition and need to find a job with health insurance. He spends money left and right on alcohol, now saying he wants to date (with what money). I left him everything including the pots and pans and moved in with a female friend who I have known forever.

Please understand that I had an amazing job which he bullied me to quit, I take full responsibility for being stupid, but I thought I could trust him. He spent my money like it was water while we were together, but now I can't even buy FOOD for myself or the medication I need. I am unable to look for another job without the medication since my condition requires it... oh and of course I have no GAS money to even get to an interview!

I'm not sure what to do? Sell the ring and get a lawyer? Is there anything I can file to stop him from withdrawing large amounts from the account? His excuse is that it's his money.. but of course when I get my job, he would like me to "help" him pay the bills!
I thought we could be friends, but his tirade continues. He no longer has any friends, family has abandoned him..
 

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Sorry for the problems you find yourself with. It's sad to see this happen.

Just need a bit more info.

Where do you live? USA?

Do the two of you have joint bank accounts? Or are they in his name only?
 

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Why has his family abandoned him? Do they live in the USA or whatever country you live in?

You need to see an attorney as soon as possible and file for divorce. There are many attorneys who will give half hour to one hour fee consultations. Interview a few until you find one who you feel will really fight for you. Then have them file for divorce. Keep in mind that a divorce can be dragged out for some time so this will help to give you time to find job, get health insurance, etc.

Ask for an emergency court hearing for the following:

1) Immediate access to all money in all accounts that contain marital income/assets. You want to have 50% of the cash moved into your own personal account ASAP since you had to leave everything behind and have no cash.

2) Interim alimony until the divorce is final. This will give you some time to find a job. This will most likely be 1/3 to ½ of his take home pay. Once you find a job it can be adjusted for the amount you are earning. Have this taken directly out of his paycheck. He sounds like the type who might refuse to pay even under a court order.

3) He keeps you on his medical insurance until the divorce is final.

4) He keeps you are beneficiary on all his life insurance policies until the divorce is final.

ETA:

5) Ask the court that the attorney fees be paid out of marital assets.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi, I live in the USA.
Thanks for responding.

He seems to think I am not entitled to 50/50 of anything, he withdrew $800 this paycheck from OUR JOINT account, where I am the primary and there are many more ATM withdraws and "bar a", bar b"...

No joke the only thing I got this last 2 weeks were tampons with his money! I couldn't get my meds because the card declined.

His mother will no longer answer his phone calls, and people have posted nasty things from his family on Facebook.. they all live here, and all can't stand his attitude anymore.

I am just worried about paying for the divorce, as I said I basically have nothing.
I don't know if this is a cultural thing, him acting spoiled.. or just being an ass.
 

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Hi, I live in the USA.
Thanks for responding.

He seems to think I am not entitled to 50/50 of anything, he withdrew $800 this paycheck from OUR JOINT account, where I am the primary and there are many more ATM withdraws and "bar a", bar b"...

No joke the only thing I got this last 2 weeks were tampons with his money! I couldn't get my meds because the card declined.

His mother will no longer answer his phone calls, and people have posted nasty things from his family on Facebook.. they all live here, and all can't stand his attitude anymore.

I am just worried about paying for the divorce, as I said I basically have nothing.
I don't know if this is a cultural thing, him acting spoiled.. or just being an ass.
Is his family from another country? In most countries that are basically run by Islamic law, women have few rights. There is no such thing as alimony. If he can prove that she is at fault, he gets the bride gift back as well. So if he or his family is from another country he might very well not realize that you have rights here in the USA.

Did you get married using an Islamic marriage contract? Did he give you a bride gift?
 

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May be stupid question.. could I file a motion like that? Not that I practice law :) BUT I do have some time on my hands
Yes you could file your own motion. A lot of states now have very good on-line self help sites and even self help desks in the court house. They tend to have forms to fill out so it's not all that hard.

What state do you live in?
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He is from here, as is his family. I believe his father moved here when he was 18.

I was never accepted as a DIL because they believed he should have had an arranged marriage, which he didn't want.

He is not the same person I married, and he knows it.
I have been denying that this is something that I need to do, but it's pretty embarrassing when you have your best friend buy your toilet paper for you.

One of the disorders I have is narcolepsy, meaning I fall asleep at anytime and go into REM sleep in under 60 seconds. I need medication on a daily basis as I was falling asleep driving etc, and I just can't wake up in the morning. I can't even buy that medication!
The second condition is a progressive neurological disorder and I have a very difficult time even cleaning unless I am on my meds.

I just can't believe how someone can do this to someone they claim to love (he says he still does).
 

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I don't know how this works where you live, but here you can go to our county hospital and/or the facility for medical care for the homeless. If you take your prescriptions they might very well write you refils.

Or call your doc who wrote them before and get the refills. You have access to the joint account. Go pull out as much money as you can. You have every right to do that.

Get your meds. i know what narcolepsy is. A friend of mine has had it for years.
 

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He started going out (8am) huge fights, going to strip clubs behind my back.. drinking, throwing things.. crying.. emotional roller coaster.... he wrote suicide notes, drove drunk.
Chicago, I agree with the excellent advice provided by EleGirl. Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse (e.g., throwing things), risky and impulsive behavior, suicide threats, and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. If your H has strong traits of BPD, you are married to a man having the emotional development of a four year old -- with is why you're seeing tantrums and hissy fits so often.

I therefore suggest you read more about BPD traits so you can spot any red flags that are occurring. An easy place to start reading is my description of such traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Chicago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
Uptown..

Thank you. I actually posted about him and his crazy moods now that we are living apart. The constant crazy calls.. and then the calm ones. He called me 48 times the other day over a $50 bill.. even though I told him I had an interview and could not talk!

I tend to agree with the BPD, I did read up about it, and he has the circumstances and the symptoms.
The counselling only made it worse.

I just want to get out of this and let him ruin his life.

I did speak to a lawyer and it looks like I would need to file for divorce, I outlined (after talking to attorney) the consequences for him acting this way and he has stopped. Right now I need to get independent asap so I can move on from this.

I would appreciate any tips you have for dealing with him in the future.
 

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Chicago, I'm sorry to hear that you believe he has strong BPD traits. I wouldn't wish that problem on my worst enemy. Yes, I do have some suggestions, particularly with regard to available resources that will help you.

As an initial matter, I recommend that you NOT tell him about your suspicions. If he is a BPDer, he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him.

Second, I suggest you get Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It will provide many good tips about staying safe during the separation process. The universal advice is to get your ducks in a row and then suddenly move out -- with friends or movers in the home -- when you actually walk out. The most dangerous period with a BPDer is when you are leaving because he has such a great fear of abandonment. It therefore is very fortunate that you two are already living apart.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the "Leaving" board.

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is article #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. I also recommend Kathy Batesel's article at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships.

Fifth, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. As I've explained in many other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers.
 
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