[RandomDude]

My wife and I have been dealing with alot of issues both current and non-current since MC, we're both quite active in trying to make it work, however our level of happiness has dropped substantially. The sheer amount of disagreements when it comes to sex, our lifestyle, raising our daughter, is making me wonder if we're actually not as compatible as we thought.

Best Friends? Sure... Hot lovers? Sure... Husband and wife? Erm... maybe not so much... at the same time my wife hates the impression that I've given her that our marriage has problems and needs fixing. Guess ignorance is bliss...

Despite our problems with sexual frequency, the sex itself (when not forced/routine) and our passion has always been our saving grace. Now we've been trying to work out our differences without sex to 'soften each other up'. MC is forcing us to take our marriage really seriously and identify what has to go and what can stay. But while it goes on I'm also starting to feel what my wife told me she has been feeling; it's like our relationship is in "repair mode" and paused.

It's going to take alot of work and time to fix our outstanding issues, but I don't know how long we can stay on "repair mode" and expect the passion to remain, and if anyone has dealt with long-term MC, how does one deal with that feeling? We're being too serious about it I guess... but it's hard with so many issues swept under the rug over the years - and everything resurfacing.

My wife is rather fearful actually (compared to years ago), and is being a little too submissive (and knowing her - potentially passive aggressive), to the point she's no help at all when trying to establish fair compromises and boundaries. I don't want to walk all over her nor vice versa. It's obvious that our past seperation cut her up something deep.

Anyways, she's not happy. She's not been happy since MC. And hence I'm not happy, and hell... even when we fight we've NEVER had to deal with this much indifference from each other - in fact, when we fight our passion for each other remains a constant. But now... what's going on? =/

 

[Chris Taylor]

Maybe she's not happy because in MC she is going to have to deal with HER issues... issues that were always buried because you let them be buried.

But in MC, everything gets laid out and you aren't (and shouldn't) let things slide and she knows it.

 

[Mavash.]

Why must you take your marriage so seriously? When I did MC it was about lightening up and having fun while at the same time working on those issues.

Another issues is your wife secretly wants to go back to rug sweeping. I don't think she truly gets she has a problem. If you'd just go back to banging her 3 times day she'd be happy then.

 

[RandomDude]

Well, she's in a constant bad mood with MC, don't know what will help her lighten up. I've been nicer to her recently and more loving, but at the same time she's been sulking more. You're right - she doesn't like to have to face the music, but now that she is, she's p-ssed off.

*sigh*

When I try to break the icewall she builds around herself, she still laughs/smiles, but then sulks again after 5 minutes. She seems determined to convince me that MC isn't good for us, I have a feeling that's what she's trying to prove with her behaviour.

Rather amusing if she thinks I would cave in.

 

[c2500]

Well, MC brought my marriage to an end. But then again the fact I did not wake up after one year from her affair and pretend it never happened, might have had influence. Or the fact I was injured at work and she might have to take care of me...(that silly sickness and health clause) might have had influence too. Or her replicating her affair behavior again....

Or her apparent EA with a close friend...but I digress...MC is not for everyone....just the people that truely care and really want to work things out. Divorce is the easy way out...just ask my soon to be ex.

 

[jaquen]

Sometimes you just need to shut the phuck up.

We talk WAY too damn much in this society. My wife and I were best friends for six years before we got together. I am an unusually introspective, intuitive man, so we talked about everything. That was the hallmark of our friendship, and our relationship when we got together. It was a beautiful thing. We spent years, and years discussing our relationship, being super open and communicative. It was a life saver.

Yet, even with all that, one of the best gifts we've ever given ourselves is the power of "shut the phuck up". At some point, after all the talk, all the communication, all the openness, all the introspection, all the repair, you just have to shut up, accept each other's flaws, concentrate on the strengths, and not take everything so damn seriously. Be who you are, let her be who she is, understand that you're both undergoing metamorphosis, and try and be together that way. Being in constant repair mode can kill the very thing you're trying to rescue.

 

[RandomDude]

I can't give it up now considering how far we've got but... I see the danger already, it's sapping our passion for each other

 

[Mavash.]

Sometimes you just need to shut the phuck up.

Amen!!!!

 

[RandomDude]

Yeah, think I'll take her out tonight and forbid myself and her from talking about our relationship and just live it. I think we need a break from trying to fix this or that.

 

[RandomDude]

IT WORKED!!!

Looks like Jaquen was right... now I'm wondering how the f-ck can the most simplest solutions just pass me by?

Taking on the advice of "shutting the phuck up"...

I took my wife out last night and forbid myself from talking about our problems (in other words, just going off "repair" mode for a while), she didn't once bring it up either - I didn't even have to ask (maybe I do focus too much on her flaws... and maybe she's right that I do bring up sh-t a little too often)

And well... we actually had a good night, was quite some fun. More surprising was her approach later; it was... surprisingly considerate. Think we both REALLY needed a break and just live life and pro-castinate fixing our problems abit lol

Think we'll argue on Monday, might as well have a good weekend. Thanks for the advice folks, it has definitely helped!

 

[barcafan]

Yeah, no disrespect but I've noticed you tend to nag about your wife a lot!

 

[that_girl]

LOL Barcafan, you have no idea.

RD, that's good. I think it would be a DRAG to always be TALKING about how to fix the marriage. Just LIVE.

Be the change you want to see. Sure, some talking is good...and issues should be fixed, but dang...go live too.

 

[barcafan]

lol