[AwfullyGuilty]

I went to see my counselor for the first time and I really enjoyed talking to him. It was not easy at first but he made me feel better after while.
He asked about me, my marriage problems and reason why I stayed in it.
He said he won't tell anyone to get divorce but he would point me right directions and help me too see things clearly.
He also said I should be aware of a fact, that I may not like what I see after.

He gave me homework - to read books Boundaries/Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud.
I have to keep diary of our conflict and what are they about.
He told me to observe what is behind my husbands anger. Is it hurt, fear?

He said not to be his maid and say Yes to everything. He told me to try to do little less for him and see his reactions.

My first thing in diary was from this morning...

My H went to shower, forgot his towel.
After he was done, he started to make noises for me to see he needs his towel.
He also started his dance to get rid of water on him.
Since his moves did not work for me, he asked for towel.

I asked him nicely to open door and reach to his right to get it from our shelf full of towels. He said he won't because he does not want to wet floor.
I gave him his towel and said "please, next time you go shower, get you towel ahead".
He started arguing with me for making big deal out of it.
He said " If you were good person, you would give me that towel!"
After this statement, I asked him if that means that he labeled me "bad person l" just because I did not want to do what he asked?
He said that I am turning situation in my favor. I said I do not. After few more words, him having sarcastic laugh over me, I just stop talking. He also made sarcastic remark "don't forget to tell this to your doctor."

After couple of minutes while I was ironing my clothes, he touched me few times just like nothing happened. Then he would stay behind me and caressed my back. I did not say a word. He said " are you angry, dearest?", and then he admitted that he said "if I were good person". Nothing else. Then I left to work.

Four more weeks to go before my next session.

 

[RDL]

Hello,

I read your initial posts and I suggest that your partner seems to fit the profile of a narcissist abuser fairly well.

Since you are willing to do homework please read Toxic Relationships: Abuse and it's Aftermath by Sam Vankin. See if your partner's behavior matches the descriptions and if it does you have good tools there on how to cope.

Please come back with feedback once you have read the material.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

I will. Thank you very much for your advice!

 

[DayDream]

"He said " If you were good person, you would give me that towel!"---

Ugh! I guess it would have been good to say something like, "No...Hitler was a bad person. Me refusing to stop what I'm doing to grab you a towel when you should have remembered to do it yourself doesn't rate with that at all."

Gosh I wish I could remember these kinds of things at the time they are needed! LOL

 

[Chris Taylor]

I don't know about your backstory, but here's my take on this...

-husband forgets towel
-husband does something to shake water off
-wife assumes he is signaling for towel
-wife ignores husband's need for towel
-husband asks for towel
-for some reason, wife doesn't hand towel to husband but puts it somewhere he needs to reach for it
-one gets more pissy than the next
-husband attempts smooth-over later
-wife ignores attempt

I only say this because I go through these same dances with my wife. A simple little thing gets blown out of proportion. Even if he forgets the towel EVERY time he showers (like my wife forgets where she leaves her glasses EVERY DAY and I have to spend time looking for them), it's still something too small to send both of us into a spiral.

But that's just my two cents.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

I don't know about your backstory, but here's my take on this...

-husband forgets towel
-husband does something to shake water off
-wife assumes he is signaling for towel
-wife ignores husband's need for towel
-husband asks for towel
-for some reason, wife doesn't hand towel to husband but puts it somewhere he needs to reach for it
-one gets more pissy than the next
-husband attempts smooth-over later
-wife ignores attempt

I only say this because I go through these same dances with my wife. A simple little thing gets blown out of proportion. Even if he forgets the towel EVERY time he showers (like my wife forgets where she leaves her glasses EVERY DAY and I have to spend time looking for them), it's still something too small to send both of us into a spiral.

But that's just my two cents.

Sorry, I was not clear enough. Our towels are right next to shower. So if he opened door and used his hand, he could easily get it on his own.
And I did give him towel.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

Also, thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Sorry, I was not clear enough. Our towels are right next to shower. So if he opened door and used his hand, he could easily get it on his own.
And I did give him towel.

Then YOU have the problem. Your response to assist him in getting a towel that he was perfectly capable of getting himself just reinforced the notion that YOU have to do things for him. Then you get p!ssed about it, he gets p!ssed, etc, etc...

Next time, try "honey, the towel is just to your right" and walk out. I bet you he won't stand there for hours waiting to grab the towel himself.

This is just passively teaching him something that, in reality, you shouldn't have to teach him at all.

 

[Dad&Hubby]

I don't know your full story and the towel situation could represent bigger issues...that being said.

Looking at the issue on it's own with no other stimulus...My wife or myself would be aggravated with the other if they made a big issue out of helping the other out. Now I wouldn't "make noises or shake myself" LOL, I'd just say "Hon, I forgot to grab a towel, could you please grab one for me." And she'd have no issue grabbing one. Now I know this for a fact because maybe once every 4-6 months one of us forgets to grab a towel LOL. Now we can't reach the towels from within the shower though, so there's that detail too.

 

[AwfullyGuilty]

I know. Couples do things like this for each other. But I used to do too much and got sick of it - probably.
I also ask him sometimes to feed our kitty before he leaves for work. His usual answer is "no". He will do it after all, but never say yes at first.