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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My W cheated on me over a year and half ago with her coworker after 21 years of marriage. We have been working things out at our own pace and are living in separate homes. For the most part things are going well now. We see each other frequently, talk on the phone most days and text each day. I would say we are dating each other and are friends with benefits. We have been in MC but it seems to reach a stand still with our recovery. She has never been a fan of MC. I have come to a point I want to move forward. I can see past the affair and see a future with her but the space between us (separate home) has to end.

When I ask the question to try to live together again, I get the response "Maybe". In fact, I often get that response to many question, such as would you be my valentine? Do you love me?

I understand her fear and her feelings about if she want to continue but now I am started hate the maybe response. I want her in my life, I want to see if we can live together, and I want to move forward with my life one way or another.

How concerned should I be with the "maybe" response? Is it too soon?

Financially, two house holds are not an issue. I still cover most of the expenses for both homes.

Kids are not an issue, both are over 18yrs and starting their own lives.

Maybe to me, is starting to mean, I love you but I am not in love with you.
 

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How long have the two of you been living together? Has it been 1.5 years?

If you are paying for both places, she is not seeing the reality of what being without you will be like. Not that you want her to choose to go back to you just for financial reasons. But financial support is a huge emotional need (security).

At this point I think that you need to tell her clearly how you feel about the maybe response. Let her start paying her own bills. right now she has a lot of freedom and you. She most likely feels like she will not lose you so all is good.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
We lived together for almost 20 years.

The money is grey area for me. I knew she lived outside of her income but I never cared. She supported me while I advanced in my career so why did I care she spent more.

A year ago, we split our checking account as part of our separate homes and bills knowing full well she would freak. My W makes a nice living but with joint acct it is very easy to go overboard.

A year later, we are now seeing each other more then half to the time. Weekend dinners and often breakfasts are in one of the two homes.

I feel I am ready to close the chapter and move to the next chapter but the maybe response make me think I should give her more time. I just dont want to blow up one day because of the maybe response.
 

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Then talk to her about the maybe response. Tell her that you need more than that from her. Give her something very clear that you need.

For example tell her that you will need her to tell you in 3 months (or 6 months) if she wants to move back in with you and resume your life together.

One thing that might help is for the two of you to work through the book "His Needs, Her Needs". See the link below. This would open up the opportunity to discuss a lot of topics that might make her feel more sure of moving back with you.
 

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=/

A maybe is as good as a no for me and I would make my decisions accordingly... if someone won't give me a straight answer I'll find the answer myself which means I would assume after a while - I don't like my patience tested. I would also tell her that but that's just me.
 

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=/

A maybe is as good as a no for me and I would make my decisions accordingly... if someone won't give me a straight answer I'll find the answer myself which means I would assume after a while - I don't like my patience tested. I would also tell her that but that's just me.
+1

She cheated. You've been patient (more than patient) answer is "maybe"?

Answer to "do you love me?" "Maybe"?

Even "be my valentine" "maybe"?

My man... It's a bitter pill, but you need to cut your losses and move on IMHO
 

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You have given each other enough time.Your W should know by now what she wants in her life and its clear that she likes her own space too.

I would tell her what you want in this relationship. Remember that SHE cheated on you! Either she make amends and do whatever is necessary to rebuild your marriage or you both move on separately.It wont work if you both have different goals

Sounds like your W likes her new arrangement far too much.
 

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She has her cake and eats it too, why would she change that?

If money is not an issue, then that's good, but realize you are enabling her to continue her lifestyle as if you were still there with her all the time. I'm in the same boat, I don't give a crap about money anymore and I realized that you can't use money to get a person back. BUT the lifestyle they're accustomed to DOES change when they leave. It just happens. She hasn't felt any change yet and in fact probably likes her space a lot.

That's fine but you do not have to be mr. nice guy and enable that. Tell her you want her to be happy but do not feel like paying for two homes anymore.

See how she reacts to that.

:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
All good thoughts.

I pretty much have been on the fence about how much I want to push the next step. Frankly I am comfortable too but it is becoming too easy to just keep the status as is. There are more things I am realizing I want and split homes are not one of them.

Thanks everyone.
 
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