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Discussion Starter #1
i know i am half way into an emotional affair, but i want to know from someone who can tell me when it MAY be better, because the marriage may be best to just let go of.
I am in therapy. It's not making it any better yet.
This marriage is a second marriage, 3 yrs, no kids except from previous marriage, and it seems to have gone cold. or I have gone in another direction and so has he.
my emotional affair feels like it is my only lifeline, because of how stuck i feel in another failed marriage.
I did not see it coming and I sure wasn't looking for it. I had just decided to do the best I could with my job and family and tolerate the distance my husband and I now have.
what i realize-prob with help of the counselor who keeps asking me, 'what do I want?' is that i do not have any good, enriching, uplifting,supportive CONNECTION with my spouse, other than he is here. usually in the next room.
and I am not pursuing my EA, but we work in the same field and when we are together we talk and it just feels way more supportive than what i am getting at home.

what the EA did for me though, was put my husband on notice that something is not right in our relationship and we had better fix it, or i am about to hit the door.

what i also realize is that it does not mean my EA will work out where we end up happily ever after either. I suspect, which could be why I am stuck, is that it will probably end when my marriage ends and I will be on my own completely without any emotional support at all.

i am not sure either if this will make me feel wonderful or horrid.
one way or the other, i think i am ready to let the pieces fall where they may.
 

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The only benefit an EA did me was to realize that I had poor boundaries and that I had flaws. It only destroys marriages. It was the worst thing I have done in my life. I have spent the last umteen years trying to undo the damage it had done not just to my marriage but my own phsyche.

Also realize that when one is under the influence of those brain chemicals you will do history rewriting and in general try to justify the affair. Pretty much what youn are doing now.

So no an EA is not a good thing. You need to go NC with your AP. Go through withdrawal. Could take a couple of months Then work on your marriage or divorce.

Also any contact whatsoever will start the withdrawal clock again. If you work with the AP then you need to change jobs.

Right now you are willfully cheating as you know it is an EA. You have to stop it.

Did you cheat in your first marriage?
 

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Maybe you're just not marriage material. This is your second go round and I suspect when all is said and done you'll give Liz Taylor and Za Za Gabor a run for their money. Some people really like the rush they get from 'being in love' and once that goes they leave the marriage to look for another rush.

Also, could the reason that your marriage is going down the tubes be because you are emotionally connected to someone other than your husband? Just a thought.
 

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You say that the EA put your husband on notice, so I assume he knows about it. Have you discussed it honestly with him?

It sounds as if you have given up on your marriage. If you do not want to save the marriage then be honest with your husband and tell him.

You also say you are not pursuing the EA then say that you still talk to OM. Then say that you think the EA will end when your marriage ends.

By talking to the OM you are still keeping the EA alive. So you are pursuing the EA.

What a do you want to do from here. Save the marriage? Divorce?
 

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No, what your doing is NOT ok. But, you already know this don't you.

So, you can choose to work on your marriage or choose a divorce but an EA is no solution, it's a PA(physical affair) waiting to happen. And you are putting ALL your effort into this EA right now.

How about putting some effort into your marriage. What about counseling, working on your marriage before your destroy it with this EA or the upcoming PA?

Your EA is a BIG deal, it's wrong, you are married, you need to stop this and work on your marriage. If that doesn't work out, then D, then pursue another man. This is NO solution, it will not fix your marriage, it will not fix your problems.

Your counselor is right in asking, what do YOU want. You need to figure this out fast.
 

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How did the first marriage end? I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you answered with "Cheating."...whether you or your first husband, makes no difference. It doesn't fix anything. and EA, or a PA, most definitely are NOT worth the risk. How can you make an honest effort with someone else added tot he mix? You can't!

I speak from experience... cheating fixes NOTHING. My EA made things worse with my husband. I should have actually TALKED with him about how I was feeling.

For God's sake, woman, either work on your marriage or divorce the man. But don't cheat on him anymore. He doesn't deserve to be treated so poorly, no matter how bad the marraige may be (in your eyes).
 

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Discussion Starter #12
the timeline though was that i realized my marriage was a wreck and although I kept trying to make it better, he was absolutely not trying to do anything. I kept telling him that he couldn't keep dismissing things which we REALLY needed to address. Then one day at a restaurant with another couple i realized that this was a bunch of **** and I was pretty much done with trying to do anything about it. He seemed to not notice.

I have other friends, lifetime 30 year friends who are male, so it's not that i don't know how to have boundaries and yet be friends. Yes, there is much chemistry and a high, which I feel we managed to get through without acting upon. But the connection I have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am absolutely not willing to just let it go. I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with. My spouse and i don't have many "couple" friendships, his are mostly single or divorced with no other women in the picture. I have mostly male friends. I am also beginning to feel that "marriage" is not as rewarding as everyone believes it is.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
as soon as we were married my new husband says, "i don't want to lose myself in this marriage" then turned his back on my and dove into his computer and games
 

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I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with.
If you want to be single then get a divorce. I think you're in a one-sided open marriage and your husband has no say in the matter. If you feel that marriage is a 'prison' set yourself free. More importantly, SET YOUR HUSBAND FREE so that he can find someone that values him and the vows that she made.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
i never cheated in my previous marriage. as far as i know neither did he. however, he spent a lot of time in the bar, so for all i know he probably did.
 

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But the connection I have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am absolutely not willing to just let it go. I really don't believe that a marriage should be a prison where I am restricted to whom I get along with.
You have made up your mind. You will not give up the OM just to save your marriage.

Divorce.
 

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Marriage isn't rewarding...when someone is cheating. My point is that cheating isn't going to solve anything. This affair will only make things appear worse in your marriage. If things won't work out with him, then divorce him. I really do believe it is the affair fog..the high...that is speaking. Of course you don't want to give up your AP. Why would you? You don't want to be with your husband. But the answer isn't to have an affair.

WS = wayward spouse... which is what you are, what I was, what my husband was, etc.
 

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This is going to come from the perspective of someone who bears some resemblance to how you describe your husband.

My wife did what you describe and then carried it a step further while we were 'separated' against my protest.

I feel and felt terribly betrayed by what she did. Being married means following the vows that were taken and if someone no longer feels they can follow those vows, then it is time to either enter MC or start divorce proceedings. An EA or PA is a cowardly way to deal with marriage problems. Sneaking around or hiding things from people, by their very nature, are deceitful acts.

The only honorable thing is to hold up marriage vows until they no longer apply.
 
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