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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
If you are reading this and can offer some insight I would greatly appreciate it. I found this site from an article about the effect divorce has on kids. I am just about to tell my wife I can't hang in there for the kids any longer (tonight)

Long story short: Me- 43/to her 40y/o

Typical marriage of ups and downs. 12 years married, 17 together. Two kids over 6 and under 15. We have the perfect family life. We both have good jobs, great kids, friends, yadda yadda. At the end of the day, there is no us anymore. We co-exist.

About 5 years ago I started to notice that my wife had less and less of a desire to be intimate and do all the fun things that couples do behind closed doors. So my curiosity got the best of me and I snooped into her email. I found a string of emails that were from another guy wanting to meet her for drinks(little older and bald). She was leaving work early to meet this guy. After I confronted her on this she said the he got her company business and that he told her she owed him a drink. From what I could see the initial email invite was several months before the day they tried to meet. She said that there was nothing to it and she wanted him off her back so she agreed to meet him. Well based on the emails they didn't meet (that day) even though they sure tried like heck. "Where we meeting" "what time" "hurry up and tell me, leaving work now". My wife is very cute and petite. Blonde, blue, size 0. Ok, so she tried to explain that away. I didn't buy it. She has a very felxible work schedule, works from home mostly and comes and goes as she pleases(God only know what I don't know).

Fast forward. Her high school ex-boyfriend lived about an hour away and moved back into the area about a year ago. I know him(he is married) and I've seen texts on her phone that give me bad vibes. When he moved back she never told me. She knows I'm not a big fan of his but something I think she hid on purpose.

Then she went on a business trip two years ago and her drink friend was there at the same conference. I checked the text log on our cell carrier and sure enough drink guy was texting her between 1-3am and again at around 6am the same morning while on the trip. I looked (and took pictures) of her lingerie drawer before, during and after she went on the trip. True to form some mystery red lingerie appeared after she returned. Wasnt there before or while she was away. She said she got it way back for our honeymoon. Ok, I get it. Pictures dont lie. btw, she hasn't worn any for me in about 6-7 years. She said it was in there and that it was on the bottom. It wasn't. She denies it all of course. She said she got her purse, which was always on top of her lingerie in the drawer and thats why the red lingerie was on top. LIE. No reason the drawer would be shuffled. Her diary is at the bottom of the drawer, but she didn't write anything in it at the time.

Throughout these years I got the good for the goose syndrome. I am good looking, in amazing shape, workout a lot, take care of myself. Most females call me a hybrid dad. I have been pursued by many women over the years. I've had women tell me they want to f*ck me with no strings! I do everything inside the house, outside the house, grocery shopping, laundry, clean, don't spend money on stuff, church dad, coach kids sports teams, spend every second I can with my kids, like to please (but get nothing back in bed). We make great parents, a great team but she is completely disconnected. She tries a little once in a great while but the 1/2 ounce of effort doesn't scratch the surface. In the 17 years we've been together she's called me at work less thatn 10 times to say hi and see how my day was going. I used to work across the street from her office. She never called to have lunch. 2 years (before we got married even, sign?) She has no desire to cuddle, be intimate and playful. No desire to please me. We talk every 6 months about us. I tell her my needs, desires, expectations. Nothing happens and I tolerate it for the kids. She says having sex more than twice a week is above average and she doesn't want to, comparing us to some of her friends. We had sex about 6 times all of last year! I am a GUY! Beer, sports and sex and I'm happy. No sex and I am miserable. She knows but could care less. So I'm getting ready (tonight) to tell her I'm moving on. She has had her fair share of wondering about me over the last few years (goose). It kills me to divorce because I am 100% a family man. I love my family, kids, life, but I can't keep feeling alone in my marriage anymore.

"The only thing worse than being alone is being with someone that makes you feel alone" -Robin Willams

I am so sad I want to puke over this decision. I've held off for years but can't keep pretending anymore. My blood pressure is high from all the stress. We do do stuff together, just us, date night, golf, etc. but its what is lacking on the intimacy and that she could care less about pleasing me that is killing me. She is like a blow-up doll in bed. Just sits there so I can please her. Been like that for YEARS! Puts no effort or energy into sex. I need someone who desires me, wants me, appreciates me. I told her years ago, I will treat you like a queen but you have to treat me like a king. Didn't happen. So I decided several years ago to mirror her in every way. I know, not a good idea but I want to be able to say "I give what I get". That's the gist of it. Always more but you get the idea.

Sorry was longer than expected. I NEED SOME ADVICE QUICK!!
 

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If you think she is a cheater, post in the CWI forum. It seems like she is.

You need to read NMMNG (no more mr nice guy) and MMSLP (married mans sex life primer). One or both will help you identify how you need to improve you.

My simple advice is stop doing so much for her. Your kids, do all you want, her minimal. She obviously doesn't respect you, either because you hold her on a pedastal or she is/was cheating and disrespects you for not putting the hammer down to stop it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
If you think she is a cheater, post in the CWI forum. It seems like she is.

You need to read NMMNG (no more mr nice guy) and MMSLP (married mans sex life primer). One or both will help you identify how you need to improve you.

My simple advice is stop doing so much for her. Your kids, do all you want, her minimal. She obviously doesn't respect you, either because you hold her on a pedastal or she is/was cheating and disrespects you for not putting the hammer down to stop it.
I do hold her on a pedastal. I love her. That's what we are suppose to do as a married couple. Unfortunately its a one way street. I do a lot for her. She does a lot for the family but for me, nada.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
What have you done to try to work through your issues in your marriage?

C
I refuse to go to marriage counseling. I can tell you she will never change her ways. She takes takes takes and gives little to nothing. We've talked many times. I've expressed my desires to no avail.
 

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I do hold her on a pedastal. I love her. That's what we are suppose to do as a married couple. Unfortunately its a one way street. I do a lot for her. She does a lot for the family but for me, nada.
Where the hell did you get this idea.? You're the maid butler babysit,.etc. Why would a woman respect that.

Get the two books below,especially mmslp. You're in for a shock. You are as responsible for this as she is.
 

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I refuse to go to marriage counseling. I can tell you she will never change her ways. She takes takes takes and gives little to nothing. We've talked many times. I've expressed my desires to no avail.
Sounds like begging doesn't it.... You sound like the stay at home dads that get cut off. Also , she meets other men, lies about her lingerie and you do nothing?

Look up neuklas thread.
 

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Bob: From what you're conveying, I'd say that there is some "probable cause" for concern, over the cumulative events of your relationship with her. More especially with deception.

If a womn doesn't want to be with a man sexually, but has to because of a marital relationship, if and when she readys herself for that event, she is going to give only bare bones participation ~ greatly meaning just laying there like a blow up doll whether its intercourse or oral that you're providing; and don't even bother thinking about being the recipient of oral from her; that just ain't happening! Her heart just ain't into banging you any longer ~ it's greatly into banging somebody else who you probably have no knowledge of! You have been summarily relegated to being her brand new "Plan B!"

Your personal investagatory skills are noteable! If you took time to do a secret inventory, and she disputes it ~ she just doesn't want to be outed and will defer her explanations either to you being stupid, or even a snoop!

At this juncture, I would talk with an IC(individual counselor) and then with an attorney to explore protecting yourself financially. Additionally, read No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Married Man's Sex Life Primer and devote yourself to immediately doing "the 180" on her!

But do continue with your investigating her, albeit through her email and cell/text phone communications. And if she makes out-of-town business trips, continue doing an inventory on her lingeree drawer. She seems to be a rather deceptive "sneaky snake" ~ stay on top of it!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you definately came to the right place!
 

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It doesn't sound like you're in a place to speak in a sober manner that's not wrapped up in animosity. This has all the red flags of a nasty divorce if you proceed along those lines. Do you want to drag your kids thru that?

Your story could be my story (see my original post) minus the infidelity. For me, I'm struggling to make the call because like you the marriage works 90% of the time. I can't decide whether my needs trump the fallout I would cause breaking up the family home. Ultimately, the situation is unsustainable. For me, if/when I tell my wife the conversation will be completely free of drama/anger/resentment because mentally I have already divorced myself from her. Are you there yet?
 

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Be very careful when comparing your wife's lack of intimacy to wh0res on the street who offer nsa sex, and if they're propositioning married men that's exactly what they are. The intimacy aspect of a ltm is complex and subject to many factors that you won't have with someone with whom you have no history. It's exactly the same mentality that a cheater uses when they get caught up in how much the ap listens and treats them better. Because they're not dealing with the day to day crap you are.

Having said all that it does sound like your marriage is in a bad place. Have you asked her if she wants to be married to you and if so why?

FYI I'm good for 2-3 times per week, if my hb was badgering me for more I'd have a tough time. Does your wife have her own sexual needs, and do you know what they are? Is she satisfied when you do have sex? Think carefully because this board is full of men who swear their wives get off multiple times but don't want sex. That doesn't add up.
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I'm sorry. It does suck when you realize you're the giver and all the other person does it take.

Sounds like you have reached your wit's end. It does happen. No matter how this shakes you, you will be ok.
Thank you. Not what I want but what I need at this point.
 

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I refuse to go to marriage counseling. I can tell you she will never change her ways. She takes takes takes and gives little to nothing. We've talked many times. I've expressed my desires to no avail.
Well, then that is that and just D I guess.

You need to not make your woman your mission. Read MMSLP and you may begin to understand that everything you thought about women is wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Be very careful when comparing your wife's lack of intimacy to wh0res on the street who offer nsa sex, and if they're propositioning married men that's exactly what they are. The intimacy aspect of a ltm is complex and subject to many factors that you won't have with someone with whom you have no history. It's exactly the same mentality that a cheater uses when they get caught up in how much the ap listens and treats them better. Because they're not dealing with the day to day crap you are.

My point with that was that I am a good looking, in shape, incredible lover who loves to give but gets nothing back in return. I've stated this many times and nothing changes.

Having said all that it does sound like your marriage is in a bad place. Have you asked her if she wants to be married to you and if so why?

I have and she says yes. I think this has become a marriage of convenience and our family life looks good for her to others but at the end of the day, doing what she needs to do keep me remotely happy is on the bottom of her priority list.

FYI I'm good for 2-3 times per week, if my hb was badgering me for more I'd have a tough time. Does your wife have her own sexual needs, and do you know what they are? Is she satisfied when you do have sex? Think carefully because this board is full of men who swear their wives get off multiple times but don't want sex. That doesn't add up.
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If I give give give and she takes takes takes, I stopped giving and caring about what she "needs". I told her straight out. She is more than satisfied when we have sex. Orgasms every time. Then I have to sync up orgasms with her, otherwise I'd be on my own not long after.
 

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If I give give give and she takes takes takes, I stopped giving and caring about what she "needs". I told her straight out. She is more than satisfied when we have sex. Orgasms every time. Then I have to sync up orgasms with her, otherwise I'd be on my own not long after.

I totally get the take, take, take aspect and it blows. My ex was like this. She's detached emotionally, otherwise she'd worry about your satisfaction. Can you elaborate on what she does? Does she get hers and then roll over? What are you asking of her? Big difference between demanding star sex and basic spousal satisfaction.

I believe you that you're good looking and in great shape, I was just pointing out that marital intimacy is complex because, let's face it, life gets in the way. It makes no sense to be punitive though, if you've asked her what she needs in order to meet your needs, you've done what she's asked for, and you're still left hanging, just cut your losses without anger. There's always a chance she doesn't realize she's about to lose you, or she's just not that into you.

You did say though that she makes efforts and it's not enough. What kind of efforts does she make? Any chance she feels like when she tries it's never enough?

What do you think your wife would say if she was here?
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I understand. I have asked before and she said she does. That was a while ago. Will be asking as part of the conversation. 6 times all of last year doesn't cut it. Granted I spent the better part of the year not talking to her much. Her needs are met. Once every two weeks for 3 minutes. Lays there and thats it. Thats her needs.


Be very careful when comparing your wife's lack of intimacy to wh0res on the street who offer nsa sex, and if they're propositioning married men that's exactly what they are. The intimacy aspect of a ltm is complex and subject to many factors that you won't have with someone with whom you have no history. It's exactly the same mentality that a cheater uses when they get caught up in how much the ap listens and treats them better. Because they're not dealing with the day to day crap you are.

Having said all that it does sound like your marriage is in a bad place. Have you asked her if she wants to be married to you and if so why?

FYI I'm good for 2-3 times per week, if my hb was badgering me for more I'd have a tough time. Does your wife have her own sexual needs, and do you know what they are? Is she satisfied when you do have sex? Think carefully because this board is full of men who swear their wives get off multiple times but don't want sex. That doesn't add up.
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Sounds like someone who's either not that into you or harboring deep resentment. I'll assume you've tried to figure out if there's resentment and why?

Either way it must be a soul sucking way to live.

We all have our own version of our marriages, the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. But in the end the marriage either works for you enough to stay in it or it doesn't. Clearly for you it doesn't.
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I totally get the take, take, take aspect and it blows. My ex was like this. She's detached emotionally, otherwise she'd worry about your satisfaction. Can you elaborate on what she does? nothing

Does she get hers and then roll over? pretty much What are you asking of her? more effort and not just take take take Big difference between demanding star sex and basic spousal satisfaction.

I believe you that you're good looking and in great shape, I was just pointing out that marital intimacy is complex because, let's face it, life gets in the way. It makes no sense to be punitive though, if you've asked her what she needs in order to meet your needs, you've done what she's asked for, and you're still left hanging, just cut your losses without anger. There's always a chance she doesn't realize she's about to lose you, or she's just not that into you.

You did say though that she makes efforts and it's not enough. What kind of efforts does she make? with family and kids, does a good job. us, little to nothing. Any chance she feels like when she tries it's never enough? couldn't. doesn't do anything to even get that credit.

What do you think your wife would say if she was here? she would say what every other wife says. its not me, it you, or thats BS.
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