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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been writing in the CWI section for a while. Had been in pain and turmoil for months. Finally in a decent place. WH had an emotional affair (I suspect a physical one too, but have no proof) and I'm separated now, while he keeps playing the kid card to stay in both our lives. Anyway, the point is, we got to fighting again yesterday and I said it wasn't OK he had sexual fantasies about the OW and that he masturbated to her (not in person, but he told me he thought of her while doing so). He was trying to downplay his affair. He said I'd be "hard-pressed" to find a man who hasn't thought about other women while taking care of his business. He says he's always fantasized about others, sometimes me, but "other women pop in his head!" I've never (until recently since our marriage fell apart) have fantasized about anyone else. Part of me feels it's wrong. I'm turned on by other people but it's always him that I thought of. Question is, is it true? Do loving couples fantasize about others rather than their spouses when they're "taking care of business?" Or is it just one more thing he wants me to feel bad about? Sorry, was young and a virgin when married, so I'm sorry if this sounds like a dumb question.
 

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You know, I'd bet the farm that most men do fantasize about others at some point. Now, the real sore spot is that SHE is already a thorn in your side. He likely could have gone w/o telling you this but in the interest of full disclosure he was likely just being honest. I'd bet that EVERYone who has had an EA has taken this step. Just most dont disclose this much detail to their spouse since its not something that can be proven. I would think this is completely normal. You just have the added misery of who she is. So sorry for that. Im sure thats something you could have gone forever not knowing. My bigger question is did he disclose this only when pressed by you or did he volunteer it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You know, I'd bet the farm that most men do fantasize about others at some point. Now, the real sore spot is that SHE is already a thorn in your side. He likely could have gone w/o telling you this but in the interest of full disclosure he was likely just being honest. I'd bet that EVERYone who has had an EA has taken this step. Just most dont disclose this much detail to their spouse since its not something that can be proven. I would think this is completely normal. You just have the added misery of who she is. So sorry for that. Im sure thats something you could have gone forever not knowing. My bigger question is did he disclose this only when pressed by you or did he volunteer it?
He told me this to "wake me up." I was gone for a while on a trip, when I came back, he was all weird, found out he was meeting with her, I asked him what he wanted, he said he doesn't know. I asked him what when on between them and he said he has feelings for her, been hanging out with her, going out to dinner, etc. I said did you sleep with her, he said no, I said have you done anything sexual and he divulged that, so I guess in trying to be honest. Or whatever. Since then, we were trying to reconcile, we never got intimate, he never was into R, and I walked in on him several times "taking care of himself." And I can't help but think he was thinking of her, because he isn't in a place to want to think about me. But I guess, even when people aren't in this bad place, men just naturally think about other women?
 

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As a guy, I can say that throughout my marriage, when I was masturbating, I was thinking about someone else. I might think about the woman I saw in front of my in the coffee shop, it might be from a movie I saw recently (porn or not), it might be a "flashback from way back"... But unless my wife and I had a really hot sex session, I wasn't likely to be thinking of her.

C
 

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As a guy, I can say that throughout my marriage, when I was masturbating, I was thinking about someone else. I might think about the woman I saw in front of my in the coffee shop, it might be from a movie I saw recently (porn or not), it might be a "flashback from way back"... But unless my wife and I had a really hot sex session, I wasn't likely to be thinking of her.

C
Same here. Men are visually stimulated so I'd bet the majority do the same thing. I'm sure since women are more emotionally stimulated, it sounds completely disgusting for men to visualize strangers when doing the deed. But it is what it is.

A female friend of mine once asked me if I did that; visualized women. When I said yes she was blown away. She said another male friend of hers had told her he did that too and she didn't belive him, because she never ever visualized another man. She said she concentrated on how it was making her feel and nothing more. That blew me away.

But...in answer to OP, he should've kept that little tidbit of information to himself. This isn't a stranger he's visualizing, but someone he's already had an EA with at least.

Men and women will never understand each other. :rofl:
 

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I've said in other posts, when some people go on a rant about guys watching porn and masturbating... Would you rather your husband think about your sister while he spanks his monkey, or watch porn and think about some anonymous porn star while he does his business. Cause he's going to be thinking about SOMEONE else...

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
so yes, he was being honest. As awful as that was, honesty is a rare thing in a WS. Did he still have contact with her during R?
Yes, they work (and travel) together and she lives close by. Great, ha? He even lied about hanging out with her recently, again. He says he'd done with her and over her, but then I find emails, pictures, etc. This last time, I saw a picture of them somewhere after he specifically lied about her not even being in that place, when I asked him, he confessed then told me "it wasn't a big deal." Needless to say he blames this whole thing on me, and won't leave me. So I decided to separate and I'm currently in our place till he gets back, then next week I'm moving out.

Aslo canttrustu, love your siggy!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you for your responses, I'm glad to know. However, I do think fantasizing about strangers is different than about people you know. If he was fantasizing about some hot chick on the street, or on TV, I'd be OK. But to fantasize and "take care of himself" about a woman he likes and sees every day is a no-no for me.
 

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Yes, they work (and travel) together and she lives close by. Great, ha? He even lied about hanging out with her recently, again. He says he'd done with her and over her, but then I find emails, pictures, etc. This last time, I saw a picture of them somewhere after he specifically lied about her not even being in that place, when I asked him, he confessed then told me "it wasn't a big deal." Needless to say he blames this whole thing on me, and won't leave me. So I decided to separate and I'm currently in our place till he gets back, then next week I'm moving out.

Aslo canttrustu, love your siggy!
that really is a shame. There is NO hope for R as long as there is contact imo. He will never stop the fantasy. Mine wouldnt have either. Had to quit his job to go NC. I feel for you. I know that even though we were attempting to R, it wasnt really getting where it needed to be while he had contact. It took him months to start realizing some of the things he had done and the effect they had. It took mos. for him to realize he was rewriting marital history. He believed things and said things that were FAR from true all because he still had contact and was still fogged out. Still believing his own lies. The lies he'd told himself to justify what he was doing in his own head. NC started in early May- it wasnt until August that the fog was noticeably less and he was starting to see the reality and gravity of his actions. IF you can get him away from HER, you might have a chance. That very well could mean a new job. Mine went 6 mos unemployed but it beat the hell out of the misery of watching him walk out the door and into the fire every morning.
 

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Thank you for your responses, I'm glad to know. However, I do think fantasizing about strangers is different than about people you know. If he was fantasizing about some hot chick on the street, or on TV, I'd be OK. But to fantasize and "take care of himself" about a woman he likes and sees every day is a no-no for me.
And this is why NC is a MUST. He wont stop thinking about her until he's had sufficient time w/o his 'drug'. Its the only way. Is she married? Have you exposed them to their company HR? Cease their 'travels' together. He will not and possibly can not do this on his own. IF you have any hope of saving your marriage you will need to step it up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
And this is why NC is a MUST. He wont stop thinking about her until he's had sufficient time w/o his 'drug'. Its the only way. Is she married? Have you exposed them to their company HR? Cease their 'travels' together. He will not and possibly can not do this on his own. IF you have any hope of saving your marriage you will need to step it up.
I exposed him our parents, and some friends. She's divorced. I thought about HR but my therapist advised me against it. Honestly, this whole thing has turned me off of him. In my view he is a loser and I do not care to make this work anymore. I know that's lame but I hurt too bad for too long to keep this up. And he's constantly lying and rewriting history and the more he tries to find more fault with me the more I'm done with him. He's attacking my core being and he is not worth that much hurt.
 

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Question is, is it true? Do loving couples fantasize about others rather than their spouses when they're "taking care of business?" Or is it just one more thing he wants me to feel bad about? Sorry, was young and a virgin when married, so I'm sorry if this sounds like a dumb question.
You would be very, very hard pressed to find a man who only fantasizes about his girlfriend or wife exclusively. That's extremely rare.

For a long time actually the only woman I fantasized about was my lady. And that was made more possible because I use to hardly ever fantasize about sex. And even I knew that was extremely out of the ordinary, and that didn't last. I was frank too about it at some point, and told her that my fantasies include other people now, because I fantasize much more than I use to. She was kinda disappointed, but not mad, and she recognized that she was a little spoiled by my atypical mental solidarity.

However normal, healthy fantasizing doesn't have much to do with this:

I said it wasn't OK he had sexual fantasies about the OW and that he masturbated to her (not in person, but he told me he thought of her while doing so)
If my wife cheated on me and then admitted that she still uses the other man as a center of her fantasizes, than my response would be to leave her and let her enjoy that fantasy till her heart's content. That is extremely ugly, and something he should NEVER have told you.
 

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My entire life, I have always thought of a litany of women while masturbating. Some with each other! Sure, I have also thought of my wife at many times, but guys go through phases. Some days we want a totally different feeling and reaction, so you go to a porn clip that is akin to an ex, or a neighbor, etc.

It's nothing more than just guys being guys and the perverts we are. Even when I tell my wife that I jerked off about her, she doesn't believe me. She knows that doing that is a release and fantasy type of thing, so it's not a big deal or jealousy issue.
 

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My entire life, I have always thought of a litany of women while masturbating. Some with each other! Sure, I have also thought of my wife at many times, but guys go through phases. Some days we want a totally different feeling and reaction, so you go to a porn clip that is akin to an ex, or a neighbor, etc.

It's nothing more than just guys being guys and the perverts we are. Even when I tell my wife that I jerked off about her, she doesn't believe me. She knows that doing that is a release and fantasy type of thing, so it's not a big deal or jealousy issue.
And THIS is normal. Completely. But still doing it with OW in mind and telling his W ??? Ouch. Just ouch.

OP- Its completely understandable that you are done. Its a choice and its yours to make. His loss. Peace be with you.
 

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For me, yes, I do often fantasize about someone else when I masturbate. But that someone else is NEVER someone I know. I usually fantasize about a naked chick I seen in a porn or something and try and put myself in place of the guy that was doing her. To me, masturbation is just a release, no emotional connection, so I just need an image to get off to.

I also find that masturbating to my fiancee doesn't help me because the only reason I'm masturbating is because sex is unavailable for some reason and masturbating to her image just makes me want her more and does little to help curb my actual sexual desire, which is why I'm masturbating in the first place.

Masturbating about someone you know to me is a means to get more emotionally attached to that person. It links them sexually even moreso in your mind. I guess the real question is, does your husband want that (to form a sexual bond with that other person) or not?
 

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I guess the real question is, does your husband want that (to form a sexual bond with that other person) or not?
I would suggest if at some level he didn't want to have sex with her...thinking about her wouldn't get him erect.

I agree...at this point he has to remove himself from any contact with her if he has any hopes at all of reconciling with you. Even if he isn't likely to go any further with her it's going to be painful for you to wonder what he is doing when he's around her. No one in a truly comitted relationship wants to put their spouse through that kind of pain.
 

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I read somewhere (is that vague enough?) that most men fantasize about someone they know and most women fantasize about strangers.

Being a guy, I'd say the guy part is correct. I have masturbated to thoughts of my wife, former girlfriends, actresses, co-workers, TAM ladies (OK, just made that up) but if my wife asked, I'd only say I thought about her. Why bring a sh!tstorm on yourself?
 

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I guess I'm different than you Chris, as I rarely fanasize about my fiancee when i masturbate and she's the only person I know that I can remember fantasizing to.

I do agree though, why bring a sh!tstorm on yourself?
 

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I think today the majority of men masturbate to porn. Unless they're photoshoping there wifes face onto the model in the movie I think by definition they're masturbating to someone other than their spouse.

Masturbating to the image of an affair partner is an entirely different issue altogether though.
 
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