Marrying a virgin vs. Experience

31893 Views 322 Replies 56 Participants Last post by SimplyAmorous, Dec 8, 2012

Broken at 20

Discussion Starter · Nov 30, 2012

So, after reading several threads about sex and all that good stuff on this site, I am curious.

Read several threads about marrying virgins, and SO that you...test drived.
And I can't find a pattern in it.
Some virgins after marriage never want sex. Others have drives that are higher than their spouse that did have premarital sex with someone else.
And read several threads about people who did test-drive a marriage, and then got married and lived happily ever after. And others that got bait-and-switched by a spouse that pretended to enjoy sex to get married.

So what is your experience?
Did you marry a virgin? Or someone with experience?
And would you say you are sexually satisfied? Or is it anything but?

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1 - 20 of 323 Posts

kingsfan

· #2 · Nov 30, 2012

I did not marry a virgin.

What I did was date a nympho and marry a prude. I still suspect there was something in the wedding cake.

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JenTee

· #3 · Nov 30, 2012

As you know I'm in a different category entirely but my husband was my only sexual partner ever. He had 2 girls before me. Both very short relationships.
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Coffee Amore

· #4 · Nov 30, 2012

I did not marry a virgin and I wasn't a virgin when I got married either. Our "numbers" aren't high at all compared to some numbers I've seen on TAM. Not even in the double digits. I would not have married a man with a promiscuous past. The number of people my husband had been with was reasonable in my opinion. When I met him, he had slightly more experience than me and had done one or two things I hadn't, for a while that bothered me, but I'm way past that now. He has done much more with me in the past two decades than he did before.

I'm very satisfied. No complaints from me. Before I posted I asked him what he thought and he's very happy too.

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Cletus

· #5 · Nov 30, 2012

Yes, I married a virgin. Even if I could do it again, I would not. At least, not without having a VERY long and detailed discussion about sexual expectations after marriage. Contract in blood and all that.

Turns out that missed test drive was pretty important. Were it not for sex, I don't think we'd fight more than a few times a year. Our current sexual situation is by both accounts our single greatest marital failure and source of pain, angst, and lost connection.

We married in 1985 in the Catholic church. They made us take a pre-marital course on finances, child rearing, personality inventories, the whole nine yards. But they ignored the part about sex, and we were too young and naive to know. Lo and behold...

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PHTlump

· #6 · Nov 30, 2012

Broken at 20 said:
So what is your experience?
Did you marry a virgin? Or someone with experience?
And would you say you are sexually satisfied? Or is it anything but?

I married a girl with limited experience. Although, not as limited as she claims. I made the classic mistake of dating for a while and the sex was great, then the sex cooled off, which she claimed was only because of not being married, so I bought it.

My married sex life started out mediocre, went to lousy, and is back to mediocre. Hopefully the trend stays positive and I can experience an excellent sex life before I die.

I did date a few girls that were much more experienced. Some of them blew my mind. But, none were loyal.

TrustInUs

· #7 · Nov 30, 2012 (Edited)

I know I'm in the minority here, we were not virgins when we married, but we also did not have sex until after we married. I can't say that I wouldn't marry a virgin, but I can say that the fact that he was experienced and more confident than me really helped me find my way so to speak.

ETA: didn't answer the orignal ?:

I'm very satisfied, and I would say he is as well. I only had a handful of partners before marriage, and his numbers weren't too high either.

Hope1964

· #8 · Nov 30, 2012

Neither of us were virgins, but that's because I had been married before. I've only ever been with my husbands. Both have cheated on me too. I wish I had known more details about my current hubby's past sexual life, because I would have hopefully clued in to the fact he is a sex addict and could have avoided the whole sordid mess he put me through. He wasn't with that many partners before me (4), but he engaged in other sexual behaviours that healthy people don't usually (paying for phone sex, acting out scenes from porn magazines when he was 14 with his sisters friend, huge porn stash and frequent masturbation, that type of thing) So the number of partners isn't necessarily all you need to know.

I had very limited experience (obviously) when I got married the first time, and that never changed. My first husband wasn't that great to me, in bed or out. When I met my current hubby, I was in my early thirties and just starting to feel better about myself, and he brought out the wantonness in me. He is an excellent lover and we enjoy each other very much now, since we've gotten past what he did.

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marriedguy

· #9 · Nov 30, 2012

were both modern virgins(meaning we had done oral with each other)..

Biggest mistake I made was not being clear on my sexual expectations..I thought she would just
adapt and love it all cuz we “loved“ each other..
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Cletus

· #10 · Nov 30, 2012

marriedguy said:
were both modern virgins(meaning we had done oral with each other)..

Biggest mistake I made was not being clear on my sexual expectations..I thought she would just
adapt and love it all cuz we “loved“ each other..
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Hey, pal, at least you had oral. Wadda ya' *****in' about?

I had a handful of women before I got married. They all enjoyed sex just fine, and none were squeamish or repulsed by any of it. I didn't know LD people even existed until I married one.

I don't know what exactly are your expectations, but I understand your struggle. Us HD spouses can suffer just as much self-doubt about our orientation, desires, and drives as the spouse who wonders why they don't like sex that much.

In the end, there's nothing wrong with either of you. It's not the individuals that are the problem, it's the mismatch. Your wants and desires are perfectly reasonable (we're not talking cannibalism here, are we?) and so are you wife's.

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EleGirl

· #11 · Nov 30, 2012

Cletus said:
Yes, I married a virgin. Even if I could do it again, I would not. At least, not without having a VERY long and detailed discussion about sexual expectations after marriage. Contract in blood and all that.

Turns out that missed test drive was pretty important. Were it not for sex, I don't think we'd fight more than a few times a year. Our current sexual situation is by both accounts our single greatest marital failure and source of pain, angst, and lost connection.

We married in 1985 in the Catholic church. They made us take a pre-marital course on finances, child rearing, personality inventories, the whole nine yards. But they ignored the part about sex, and we were too young and naive to know. Lo and behold...

Unfortunately test driving does not mean that what you test drove will run the same way after marriage... boy did I learn that one!!!

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jaquen

· #12 · Nov 30, 2012

My wife wasn't a virgin, but she was damn close to it. She had sex with an ex-boyfriend a couple times during a one week period, and that was it.

My wife and I were best friends for years before we got together. Even when we were both virgins, we talked frankly about sex. We knew we were sexual people, and even in virginity we didn't feel chaste, or terrified of sex.

We got together very young, and for spiritual purposes decided to wait until marriage. We were together, and celibate, for many, many years. At that point she'd had one sex partner, and I'd had one sex partner.

First time we ever had sex was on our honeymoon. Our sex life has been amazing ever since.

Meanwhile we both know married couples who had sex for years prior to marriage, and it slowly died after the rings were on. We are having more sex in our marriage than most of our single, and married, friends are having.

We don't believe you need to take a test drive before marriage. We do, however, believe that people who decide to wait, or decide to marry a virgin, need to be extremely transparent, upfront, and intuitive. What gave my wife and I confidence that we could wait was that we knew from our very first kiss that we had insane, explosive, out of this world sexual chemistry. It was potent, and apparent. We both felt like that kiss was better than any sexual experience we'd had with other people. We just knew.

Also we were very frank about our views, and expectations, about sex. Everything we talked about has come to play in our marriage. There has been very little in the way of surprise. Communication is paramount.

We don't knock anyone who decide to test drive. Most do, and that is just the reality of the times we live in. But from where we stand, watching so many sexually challenged, and sexually dead marriages, the majority of which included sex pre-marriage, we don't feel like test-driving has really done anything to improve the state of marriage.

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marriedguy

· #13 · Nov 30, 2012

Cletus said:
Hey, pal, at least you had oral. Wadda ya' *****in' about?

I had a handful of women before I got married. They all enjoyed sex just fine, and none were squeamish or repulsed by any of it. I didn't know LD people even existed until I married one.

I don't know what exactly are your expectations, but I understand your struggle. Us HD spouses can suffer just as much self-doubt about our orientation, desires, and drives as the spouse who wonders why they don't like sex that much.

In the end, there's nothing wrong with either of you. It's not the individuals that are the problem, it's the mismatch. Your wants and desires are perfectly reasonable (we're not talking cannibalism here, are we?) and so are you wife's.

yes oral..and ONLY if I ask for it..its not so much that she doesnt do things, she just isnt interested
in doing em and is pretty squemmish about it..and i have to
ask..
all it is is incompatibility, high drive and low drive..no motivation
to change, etc..boring in other words when only one spouse
wants sex know what Im sayin?
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Cletus

· #14 · Nov 30, 2012

marriedguy said:
all it is is incompatibility, high drive and low drive..no motivation
to change, etc..boring in other words when only one spouse
wants sex know what Im sayin?

Haven't got a clue. Do go on?

TrustInUs

· #15 · Nov 30, 2012

jaquen said:
We don't knock anyone who decide to test drive. Most do, and that is just the reality of the times we live in. But from where we stand, watching so many sexually challenged, and sexually dead marriages, the majority of which included sex pre-marriage, we don't feel like test-driving has really done anything to improve the state of marriage.

I feel the same, while I know I'm the odd man out because I was sexually active a few years before dating my H, I can say that this is the most fulfilling relationship I've been in. Ironically, he was my only relationship that didnt involve sex. ( not to say that it wasnt hard to abstain for us). But sadly I get grouped into stereotypes of women trying to trick men into marriage. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I disagree that abstaining always means that the person isn't that into you or that things can't work out.

hookares

· #16 · Nov 30, 2012

I would never marry a virgin if I were to try marriage again.
For one thing, you really never know if the person you are with is a true virgin or just one who might wish they were.
I prefer a lady to have some experience so she will already be aware of what she thinks she wants in a partner.

marriedguy

· #17 · Dec 1, 2012

Cletus said:
Haven't got a clue. Do go on?

trust me u dont want me to

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jaquen

· #18 · Dec 1, 2012

TrustInUs said:
I feel the same, while I know I'm the odd man out because I was sexually active a few years before dating my H, I can say that this is the most fulfilling relationship I've been in. Ironically, he was my only relationship that didnt involve sex. ( not to say that it wasnt hard to abstain for us). But sadly I get grouped into stereotypes of women trying to trick men into marriage. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I disagree that abstaining always means that the person isn't that into you or that things can't work out.

All you have to do is take a short tour around this board, or through the wasteland of marriages among the people in your own life, to witness how the increase of pre-marital sex has done nothing to improve the overall longevity of marriage.

One of the least talked about, positive aspects about going into a marriage with little, or no, previous partners is that you have the uncanny opportunity to experience two key things:

A. You discover if you can truly love, be passionate about, and in love with, someone without the heady haze of sex. Sex is extremely important in my marriage, and bar some horrendous physical or mental illness, I would refuse to live in a sexless marriage. However there is something beautiful about experiencing a time when you were truly in love with a person for the sake of love itself, and for them, without any sex to reinforce that.

B. You have the rare chance to mold your sexuality around each other. This only works if both people come into the marriage with little, or no, experience, but it's pretty amazing. I can speak only for us, but our sexuality feels very tailor made to one another. There are not a lot of ghosts in our bed to contend with.

At the end of the day, it worked for us. And it really hasn't worked for many others we know, even those who had years of sexual experience together under the bridge.

Seems a lot of people do change once that ring slips on, so I'm not even sure if it matters who you meet sexually before the wedding in a lot of cases.

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TrustInUs

· #19 · Dec 1, 2012

Well I can say that I did bring baggage into my marriage, both childhood background and past sexual experiences. It's only recently that I can appreciate my past but still sometimes regret it (speaking sexually).

But I can't deny that getting to know my H in other ways without bonding through sex was the best that I did. Of course, as you said it, doesn't work out for everyone. I find myself leery to advocate not having sex before marriage, especially since I have no room to talk, but I agree that the positives aren't talked about much.

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WyshIknew

· #20 · Dec 1, 2012

I was but my wife wasn't, although to be honest by the time we got married I wasn't.

Once I got started I was like a clockwork bunny

what a rush. All she had to do was wind me up and off I'd go. Nothing stopped me, not even a severe case of bronchitis.
My wifes experience or lack of meant nothing to me, although with her having experience she could 'take me in hand' so to speak.

Conversely, she even now says that I gave her something special to keep and that she loves the feeling that she is my one and only.

I was a little ham fisted, all fingers and thumbs, and so horny I was on a hair trigger. but I learned.
Making love was amazing and still is 25 years later.

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