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We married at 21, both religious but I started to drift away 8 yrs ago. She doesn't like to drink or go out w/me on Saturdays (she's a 7th day adventist) and I don't go to church w her regularly or like christian concerts. We've both tried to compromise and go with the other to their thing but it's obvious that we don't enjoy it.We've tried new things also, like middle ground activities but her beliefs make things tough - and I don't want her to be uncomfortable it's not fun for either of us. It's created tension and I wonder if it's something we can overcome. They say you should marry your best friend, but isn't friendship built in part on mutual interest??

Anyone out there work through this before?
 

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She can go to the bar with you and drink a pop and you could go to church with her and to christian concerts. You can find other activities to do together. You aren't trying hard enough. My husband loves football and golf. I could care less about either one but I go to football games and play golf with him because he enjoys it those activities and we like spending time together. Sometimes you have to do things that your spouse enjoys doing even if you aren't a big fan.
 

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We married at 21, both religious but I started to drift away 8 yrs ago. She doesn't like to drink or go out w/me on Saturdays (she's a 7th day adventist) and I don't go to church w her regularly or like christian concerts. We've both tried to compromise and go with the other to their thing but it's obvious that we don't enjoy it.We've tried new things also, like middle ground activities but her beliefs make things tough - and I don't want her to be uncomfortable it's not fun for either of us. It's created tension and I wonder if it's something we can overcome. They say you should marry your best friend, but isn't friendship built in part on mutual interest??

Anyone out there work through this before?
So you married with similar beliefs (compatibility) but found yourself drifting away 8 yrs ago... Assuming this has greatly affected the harmony in your marriage....it may feel like a lifestyle change , especially if you didn't go out drinking before so.. a value shift in certain areas..

I feel there is the importance of compatibility...see this thread to evaluate yourselves in some of these areas... what is working for you.. what is not or still an ongoing struggle.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

... but also in the area of Emotional Needs... these too are very important, and when neglected.. will cause many problems..leading to resentment, and everything snowballs from there....

10 Emotional needs taken from His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage


1. Admiration
2. Affection
3. Conversation
4. Domestic support
5. Family commitment
6. Financial support
7. Honesty and openness
8. Physical attractiveness
9. Recreational companionship
10. Sexual fulfillment
Each spouse may put more weight on a certain few needs at their top...caring a GREAT deal or not feeling fulfilled.. where as others can be closer to the bottom.. not such a big thing.. we are all individual, so this can vary from person to person...

But we must be in tuned...caring to satisfy them... Here is an example...

 

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I am pulling this from your other thread so everyone can have a true picture.

Wife and I went through a year separation after a short affair by me. Our marriage wasn't very healthy before. The affair really crushed my wife, and she's having trouble getting past it. I'm not pressuring her to do so, I want her to heal but at her own pace. Any women out there who've been through this - how much time went by after initial reconciliation before you felt better? It's hard on both of us, but I very much want for her to be happy and self-confident again.
In your mind, what was unhealthy about the marriage before? What does she say about that?

Just so you are well aware, you shouldn't pressure her. She needs to heal at her own pace and in some cases the betrayed spouse never heals, at least not fully. The time varies with the person but I have heard around here 2 to 5 years. I am currently at year 12. My W still triggers on occasion and we work through them.

We love each other, but she mostly just wants reassurance that I'm not that guy anymore and that I won't hurt her in that way again.

As far as what did we do to get closer? We spent a lot of time together, time with our children, time travelling and enjoying each other's company.

You want to know what if anything there is that you can do to make her the happy, self-confident woman she was before. The answer to that is pretty much nothing except work to build up trust. The burden of becoming happy and self-confident is unfortunately primarily on her.

We did the IC/MC, date nights, late night talks, hysterical bonding...etc. and those maybe helped a little. But I think what did the most for her was probably going back to school and finishing up her degree, getting a 2nd degree, volunteering at our kid's school; mostly things she accomplished on her own and felt good about.

I helped her where I could, showed her I cared, worked on the trust issues and tried not to mess up too bad hurting her feelings.

We spent time together doing things together, but time apart too doing things that were healthy for us individually.

I am not so sure that going out drinking alone on Saturday nights would qualify as healthy though. Not for you and not for the marriage.
 

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I've learned this from my kids: being close is rarely about doing what YOU want, but doing what THEY want. If it's important to be with her and spend time with her, then do that, regardless of WHAT you are doing. I spend a lot of time listening to talk about intake valves and exhaust systems, not because that interests me, but because it is my husband's passion. Get on her level, find joy in seeing her joyful. Focus less on the activity and more on the outcome.

(Just a side note: if there has been infidelity in the past, maybe going out drinking without her on Saturday nights is a bad idea in any case)

Best of luck!
 

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Do some classes together.
Learn ballroom dancing and see if you can become good enough to enter competitions.

Learn to paint and draw.

Volunteer at an animal shelater and so forth.
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Anyone out there work through this before?
If you are looking to rekindle a closer friendship, here are the two best bets in my book:

• home renovation projects.

Even something as simple as a small upgrade to your bathroom or kitchen can go a long way. Plan how to improve something, pick things out together and help each other work to complete the project. This especially works great if you find something that the kids can help too (if relevant).

• Take cooking classes or learn new recipes.

Our dinners in the house seemed to be plagued with blah blah casseroles or bland stir fry. While I don't do the cooking that often, I recently found a winning low carb formula. I pretend like I am cooking the various burrito fillings at Chipotle. Black beans, peppers, mushrooms, salad, avocado, sour cream, spritz of lime, premium meat like salmon, some good spices, and turn it into the equivalent of a salad bowl without the chips or burrito shell. The kids and the wife go crazy for it, and everyone has fun helping. Throw in a glass of wine for the wife, pick out a good family movie with some ice cream for the kids afterwards and I am everyone's hero!

Badsanta
 
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