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5 Posts
Craving advice from women married 15 years and up. Thanks for reading. Need your perspective.
It's hard for my wife and I to get that loving feeling back. We do a lot for each other. We're compatible. No infidelity, medical issues, depression, substance abuse, or above normal financial stress. I work full-time, she works part-time. We have a cleaner come in. I do lots of housework along with her. We respect what each other brings to the relationship. We parent our 12-year-olds equally and with the same parenting philosophy. We share interests and the same humour and outlook on life. We have friends. No issues with relatives. We know how to give each other space. We care how each other is doing.
But we've been married forever. So there's the stuff ghat creeps in and as far as I can tell from every couple and friend and bit of online advice I've seen, is permanent. She's bored when I talk, I'm bored when she talks, we can both see each other struggling to make an effort to listen. At best. We snipe a lot at each other about daily stresses. Both of us feel the other never listens. We try, and offer compliments, a lot, I can hear it, and do nice things......but it never emotionally lands to the point that it flows into hugging, kissing, physical affection. We just don't...seem much interested. She never says no to sex but won't do much to invite it, neither of us is much motivated to go for it. She seems harsher than when we were younger, more vulgar, easily peeved. But also her same, sweet funny self too often. I know I've changed too course and must seem different to her in less than thrilling ways.
So what to do? Please note! She hates talking about "the relationship" and when I've tried once in a while she gives me a sad look as if to say, "Dude, you don't know me well enough to know I don't do this?" So I don't, and I'm cool with that. I don't need to talk but I'm looking for some real feelings and some touch. I've tried 'being the change I want to see.' She enjoys the spotlight and attention, but again, no sparks really ensue (and I mean married, sleepy, half-sparks, all I'm looking for, I'm no fool who expects fireworks after such a long time).
Online advice is sorely inadequate. 'Get a shared hobby.' (seriously? we have lots, passions actually, hobbies are for lightweights and children) 'Have a date night' (we do, no diff, fun but no close affection ensues from it, sometimes fight because we go out and it's just us staring at each other again). 'Have you really talked about this with her?' (yes, lots, she hates it, never solved anything anyway). 'Have you checked to see if you have intimacy issues?' (um, no, married for a long time, I'm the hugger who misses the connection, etc. so no but yes, still thought about it a lot) 'Have you thought about it spiritually?' (no, and won't because religious traditions are hostile to 'selfish' needs, women, and sex--it's all there in bright lights in the sacred texts and dogmas so no thanks: human connection, women, and sex are beautiful things at the HEART of the life force in my view and ARE the god, not some stern 'ignore the passions and sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice' fellow in the heavens somewhere).
So sadness and a lack of interest or energy is my life these days. Don't care to get out of bed really if a sense of connection to a woman is gone. Makes the other stuff in my life mere consolation prizes. Anybody in a marriage out there have a comeback story? Or do I need to start worrying about the sad faces I sometimes see on long married faces? Is this what finally happens but eventually it stops mattering because age and health issues become more serious problems?
ty and be well
It's hard for my wife and I to get that loving feeling back. We do a lot for each other. We're compatible. No infidelity, medical issues, depression, substance abuse, or above normal financial stress. I work full-time, she works part-time. We have a cleaner come in. I do lots of housework along with her. We respect what each other brings to the relationship. We parent our 12-year-olds equally and with the same parenting philosophy. We share interests and the same humour and outlook on life. We have friends. No issues with relatives. We know how to give each other space. We care how each other is doing.
But we've been married forever. So there's the stuff ghat creeps in and as far as I can tell from every couple and friend and bit of online advice I've seen, is permanent. She's bored when I talk, I'm bored when she talks, we can both see each other struggling to make an effort to listen. At best. We snipe a lot at each other about daily stresses. Both of us feel the other never listens. We try, and offer compliments, a lot, I can hear it, and do nice things......but it never emotionally lands to the point that it flows into hugging, kissing, physical affection. We just don't...seem much interested. She never says no to sex but won't do much to invite it, neither of us is much motivated to go for it. She seems harsher than when we were younger, more vulgar, easily peeved. But also her same, sweet funny self too often. I know I've changed too course and must seem different to her in less than thrilling ways.
So what to do? Please note! She hates talking about "the relationship" and when I've tried once in a while she gives me a sad look as if to say, "Dude, you don't know me well enough to know I don't do this?" So I don't, and I'm cool with that. I don't need to talk but I'm looking for some real feelings and some touch. I've tried 'being the change I want to see.' She enjoys the spotlight and attention, but again, no sparks really ensue (and I mean married, sleepy, half-sparks, all I'm looking for, I'm no fool who expects fireworks after such a long time).
Online advice is sorely inadequate. 'Get a shared hobby.' (seriously? we have lots, passions actually, hobbies are for lightweights and children) 'Have a date night' (we do, no diff, fun but no close affection ensues from it, sometimes fight because we go out and it's just us staring at each other again). 'Have you really talked about this with her?' (yes, lots, she hates it, never solved anything anyway). 'Have you checked to see if you have intimacy issues?' (um, no, married for a long time, I'm the hugger who misses the connection, etc. so no but yes, still thought about it a lot) 'Have you thought about it spiritually?' (no, and won't because religious traditions are hostile to 'selfish' needs, women, and sex--it's all there in bright lights in the sacred texts and dogmas so no thanks: human connection, women, and sex are beautiful things at the HEART of the life force in my view and ARE the god, not some stern 'ignore the passions and sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice' fellow in the heavens somewhere).
So sadness and a lack of interest or energy is my life these days. Don't care to get out of bed really if a sense of connection to a woman is gone. Makes the other stuff in my life mere consolation prizes. Anybody in a marriage out there have a comeback story? Or do I need to start worrying about the sad faces I sometimes see on long married faces? Is this what finally happens but eventually it stops mattering because age and health issues become more serious problems?
ty and be well
