Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 52 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My husband and I fell in love at 16, proposed at 17 and were married at 19. We're 22 now. We have been together a total of 6 years from the start. While I've been mostly happy these 6 years with some pretty major issues with his anxiety (No job, dropped out of high school, etc) but he's working on them.

For my leadership club in college I went to a week long trip in Louisville and for the months leading up to this, we fought weekly about me going. I was getting really impatient with him. finally, when I went I got so many experiances. I went out drinking at a bar with friends for the first time ever, I went out all night partying until the bars closed one night. I went to a strip club and played games with my friends in our hotel. it was glorious.

but every single day my husband was texting me. we argued about how I wasn't checking in often enough about where I was at night when at first I was just drinking. I didn't do more of the crazy stuff until he said he didn't trust me because I wasn't checking in. I got more and more frustrated and angry about the whole situation that I wished so strongly that I didn't have to leave Louisville... I was sure I could make it with 12$ and a suitcase of clothes... But I didn't stay I came home to more fighting which actually leads to us breaking up for about 20 mins until finally, he swore he would get better, get medication, get his GED his license, get all of his **** together.

this lead to our most recent fight because he thought I didn't believe he would do it and that I didn't want to try to make this relationship work. when in reality it wasnt that I didn't believe him... I just partly didn't want the relationship to work. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband but I'm not sure I love him in a romantic way anymore maybe I do but more importantly is the fact that I will never get my chance to be independent, to own a tiny home in Portland, OR, to have sex with more than one guy, or a woman even! The fact that I will never be able to travel the world for a year with nothing but a backpack and some dreams. I'll never be able to do a tour with Ameri-corp or hike the Pacific Trail or any of the things I long to do with my life... I'm so scared that staying with him because I care about and love him isn't enough to negate my dreams. I feel as though I missed out so much and I'm just realizing it and I'm pretty sure I want to catch this wave of life before I'm too old to do it...

I've just been depressed and I feel terrible about having these thoughts but I'm finally losing weight and getting healthy and in shape just thinking about the possibilities of this... am I wrong to want to leave my husband?

Update: I did end up separating with him. I'm not sure why towards the end of the post everyone and their dogs jumped on the Joshowers63 is a cheater bandwagon but I am not. while I would love to have other sexual experiences I would never do that while in a relationship. but thanks for being just like my controlling, manipulative husband who didn't trust me and make ridiculous assumptions because I played drunk card games.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,531 Posts
You have wondrous dreams. Youthful dreams.

You also have an anchor. And it is doing it's job....holding you back from crashing on the rocks.

An honest anchor, an active anchor...one still in service.

The anchor is your husband. It has barnacles on it, it has tons of seaweed on it from dragging the bottom of life's.....despair.

The problem is this. Your husband is a Tug Boat.

You have matured, will matriculate from college soon. You need a newer boat, one better suited for your temperment. Get a Caravel, a small maneuverable sailing ship.

You need to divorce your husband. He was yesterday's dream boat, now he is in disrepair.

Do not cheat on him, please. After divorce find your dreams. Any man that takes your fancy can sail in your boat, can pull your riggin's, drop his anchor in your warm bay.

After divorce, cease contact with your EX. You will hurt him by divorcing him. Do not let him hear of your successes in travel, career, and man hunting.

It is his loss. He did not do the maintenance on his craft, his career or his personality.

Enjoy this short life.....hurting no one intentionally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,772 Posts
given the jealous behavior that your husband exhibited while you were away, I might consider whether he is fooling around himself.

Like the others have said, this is a good time to divorce. You probably have no assets to fight over. no children to arrange custody for. If he is going to behave the way he did during your trip, imagine what he will be like in any other situation. do you want a husband who follows you to work? questions all of your friendships? possibly make it difficult and maintain a job? This guy sounds he like he is capable of it. And the sooner that you accept that someone can do that to their spouse, at least you'll recognize the first time that it happens.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
438 Posts
You are young and need to be living your life now! He needs to get his life together also. It won't be easier as you age so yes I would divorce and experience life! It is time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,645 Posts
Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~
Actually that should make it easier. He has no claim on your mother's real estate.

If you're concerned about his financial situation, giving him the boot is probably the best thing for him--it will force him to start working. Independent of your marital problems, continuing to provide him rent free space is only stunting his growth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~
So?

Whose fault is that?

Certainly isn't YOURS.

He'll never grow up while he's got you for a momma.

Do him a favor and divorce him. It won't happen overnight anyway. Just tell him you're filing, and you're giving him until August 31 to get a new place.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,767 Posts
I don't think it is ever a good idea to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. You don't need to tell him you are unhappy with him, just that you have changed and that you are no longer the person he married.

He will not be happy living his life with someone who is disappointed in him either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,511 Posts
You two are too young to be married. Divorce him. Tell him you'd be fine dating him to see if you're still compatible. Your marriage isn't going to last. Trust me.
Some of the happiest marriages I know were between couples who married that young. It was normal when I was that age to marry then. I married at 19, I didnt think it was too young, and I had my first child age 21.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,895 Posts
Married too young. I suspect that even if he did straighten out his individual situation, that things would not improve. One way or another, I don't really see any outcome other than divorce.

Now that that is out of the way...what about you? You have these dreams, many of which can be expensive, while taking away time to support yourself. You say you two live with your mom...are you in a position job wise where you can support yourself? As in shelter, food, utilities, day to day living expenses? Student loans and grants don't count.

While I can absolutely understand the feelings you are having with regards to getting to live your life and things you feel you have been held back on, simply dropping your husband will not fix the fact that life happens and there are struggles, especially if one make the choice to support themself and not rely on others to do it for them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,577 Posts
Some of the happiest marriages I know were between couples who married that young. It was normal when I was that age to marry then. I married at 19, I didnt think it was too young, and I had my first child age 21.
Did your husband quit school, refuse to get a GED, refuse to get a job, and then live off his wife's mother?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I suspect that even if he did straighten out his individual situation, that things would not improve.
Me too :( I feel like we're too different first of all and second I feel like I'm the wrong person if I'm always day dreaming about running away.

You have these dreams, many of which can be expensive, while taking away time to support yourself. You say you two live with your mom...are you in a position job wise where you can support yourself? As in shelter, food, utilities, day to day living expenses? Student loans and grants don't count.
Yes I work a full time job which makes 3-4$ abov minimum wage, I'm going to graduate an RN and make 55-65K per year and have money, I'm a very minimalist person and can live off of very little my only financial strain really is my husband, and his expensive hobbies (which he swears he fully intends to repay me for, which again I believe he would do anything to save this relationship) we moved in with my mom because while attending nursing school full time I couldnt work enough hours to cover 600 in rent and 500 in utilities on one paycheck. I have to take a break from school due to some late assignments.

While I can absolutely understand the feelings you are having with regards to getting to live your life and things you feel you have been held back on, simply dropping your husband will not fix the fact that life happens and there are struggles, especially if one make the choice to support themself and not rely on others to do it for them.
I just feel like I'm not doing this because living with him is a struggle per-say its that he's so controlling and I'm afraid he wont change. not to mention I just feel like I've been living his version of life, no partying no going out, no interesting activities and I'm starting to realize slowly that i am nothing like him in that regard... I'm social I love being around people and having tons of friends, I love going out to drink with friends, I love whisky! I'd never had anything but cheap beer before this (all of this I found out in Lousiville)... and its these discoveries about me that I never found out until I was a way from my husband that make me question if I even know myself at all... its not about the money or the career or the laziness anymore... I think its about me and for once in my life I wonder if I should be selfish...
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,345 Posts
Why is he not working? Why isn't he working in a warehouse or driving a delivery route? Why isnt' he working at a gas station or McDonalds?

You have two choices. Give him 6 months to clean up his act and become the husband you want/need. Or cut your loses and start over with life.

I'd divorce and start over. You'll have regrets if you don't and living with regrets is the worst thing that can happen.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,462 Posts
Wish it was that easy, we're living with my mom, and he has no job and no money ~.~
Does he have a family?

Does he have friends?

Tell him that he needs to get a job because he has to move out.

He is the one who has refused to do things like get his GED, etc.

The fact that he has not done these things and so is unable to take care of himself is his fault, not yours. He needs reality to hit him square in the face so that he will grow up.

You and your mother are part of the problem here because the two of you are enabling him to remain the way he is.

I could join the military. But I'm not even sure that they would take his since he does not even have a GED.

What about the job core? Look up the Job Core where you live. He should be able to get in with them. They provide a place to live and job training.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,645 Posts
Me too :( I feel like we're too different first of all and second I feel like I'm the wrong person if I'm always day dreaming about running away.
Yes I work a full time job which makes 3-4$ abov minimum wage, I'm going to graduate an RN and make 55-65K per year and have money, I'm a very minimalist person and can live off of very little my only financial strain really is my husband, and his expensive hobbies (which he swears he fully intends to repay me for, which again I believe he would do anything to save this relationship) we moved in with my mom because while attending nursing school full time I couldnt work enough hours to cover 600 in rent and 500 in utilities on one paycheck. I have to take a break from school due to some late assignments.
This is shameful. You are doing all the work and working to improve yourself. If he was working hard to put you through college, that would be one thing, but he's providing nothing. The fact that he is not supporting you in any way is, by itself, a huge neon red flag. That he tries to control you on top of providing zero support only exacerbates an already horrible situation. And expensive hobbies? You are working, schooling and paying for his hobbies? Egad! Your whole path is lined with massive red flags. He has no job--how the heck is he supposed to "pay you back?" Does he have a plan? Has he done anything to indicate that, even if he had a plan, he is capable/motivated to execute it? You have seen a well established pattern of behavior here--there is nothing to indicate that will change in the future. Once you start earning that higher nurse's salary, there'll just be more of it going to his toys. I see no silver lining here. None.



I just feel like I'm not doing this because living with him is a struggle per-say its that he's so controlling and I'm afraid he wont change. not to mention I just feel like I've been living his version of life, no partying no going out, no interesting activities and I'm starting to realize slowly that i am nothing like him in that regard... I'm social I love being around people and having tons of friends, I love going out to drink with friends, I love whisky! I'd never had anything but cheap beer before this (all of this I found out in Lousiville)... and its these discoveries about me that I never found out until I was a way from my husband that make me question if I even know myself at all... its not about the money or the career or the laziness anymore... I think its about me and for once in my life I wonder if I should be selfish...
Here's the thing--you could hang out with friends, and even drink 'til your heart's (and liver's) content while married. There are plenty of married couples who are social, social drinkers, partyers, etc. There are even a few who have one social butterfly and one wallflower, and they still make it work. Whether or not you think it's about the job/laziness, it is to some degree, even if you don't realize it consciously. And even if it honestly isn't now, it most definitely will be some day in the not to distant future. Please don't discount the corrosive effect of this aspect of your very unbalanced marriage.

You have multiple disconnects, and your wanting to sow a few wild oats isn't even the most serious of them, especially when you think long term. You could go party hardy for a while and get it out of your system, but you will never outgrow the desire for a strong and supportive partner who wants to contribute his fair share... and is willing to let you be you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
159 Posts
I am 50, married at 21 to a girl i met when i was 16, she was 15 and bloody hard work from the start, she had low self esteem and i was over 6'5" and a boxer, i had no issues at all but her anxieties. My marriage was hard work up until 3 weeks ago when she walked out for a younger man. My point is this, too young for anything is wrong, people should not get married until late 20's at least, enjoy your life, learn your life lessons without worrying about somebody always looking over your shoulder. At your age you have so much life in you to be stifled by a partner who is going to send you to the divorce courts so quick that you might as well end it now as later.
Love and peace always
KevinZX
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Why is he not working? Why isn't he working in a warehouse or driving a delivery route? Why isnt' he working at a gas station or McDonalds?
Because he doesnt "want a job that will make him miserable" I know it sounds ridiculous cuz I totally love wiping people's asses all day <.< I have told him that and he's willing to work on it... he blames his anxiety for it though.

You have two choices. Give him 6 months to clean up his act and become the husband you want/need. Or cut your loses and start over with life.
I am. I'm giving him a year because I'm generous and I want time to make myself better before that time too just incase some of it is me. I dont know how I'm going to survive though... he seems to want to pretend everything is alright but I dont want to snuggle with him or have sex or really talk to him because I'm so frustrated and afraid of the next fight
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,462 Posts
Because he doesnt "want a job that will make him miserable" I know it sounds ridiculous cuz I totally love wiping people's asses all day <.< I have told him that and he's willing to work on it... he blames his anxiety for it though.
Of course he has an excuse on every level. He can only have those excuses because you allow it. If you did not allow him to use these excuses he would have his GED, he would have a job and he might even be getting some kind of education or vocational training.

You are part of the problem here.

There is a book that I think would greatly benefit you: Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency

Codependency is when you put the misbehavior (addictions, lazy behavior, etc) of your spouse ahead of your own needs. It's when you end up destroying yourself in order to help your spouse engage in bad behavior.

Please read the book and learn how to untangle yourself from this boy.

I am. I'm giving him a year because I'm generous and I want time to make myself better before that time too just incase some of it is me. I dont know how I'm going to survive though... he seems to want to pretend everything is alright but I dont want to snuggle with him or have sex or really talk to him because I'm so frustrated and afraid of the next fight
You can make yourself better without being married to him.

If you stay married to him, he is not going to believe that you mean what you say. He's controlling of you because he's afraid to lose his enabler. Without you he will need to grow up.

What you are suggesting here, to stay with him for a year and all the while you don't want to be with him is just wrong in so many ways.

It does not take a year to find a job. Give him 3 months. If he does not have a job in 3 months, then file for divorce. Remember that a divorce is not final until the judge signs it. It can take a year or two to get a divorce. And there is also remarriage after divorce. Let him fight for your marriage under the knowledge that you are indeed ending the relationship unless he completely changes his ways.

Would you want to be married to someone who felt about you in the way you feel about him? I know I would not. It's a form of abuse.. making you the abuser. Keep that in mind. IT's better to honest, then what you are proposing.
 
1 - 20 of 52 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top