[Ricki123]

Hi all, here's my story. I'm very close to ending my 15 year marriage.. But still hesitating. I am married to a textbook narcissist. Everything has had to be about him and his needs. I worked part time for many years and returned full time, mainly to save money. He is a hard worker and paid off our mortgage last year. I did appreciate this, but he has always been very demanding. I was treated like a prostitute for years. He does not give me access to any money he earns and keeps it all hidden. So, when we would go on a vacation he would demand I have sex with him because he was paying. He is verbally abusive to me in front of our two kids, threatened violence, and has spit on me, kicked me, etc. The verbal & emotional stuff happened right after we got married,, the physical came later. I felt so alone and wound up having an affair for almost 3 months, 7 years ago. I told him about it after he found some evidence. I have now been through 7 years of hell. For a long time I felt that I deserved it and kept telling myself that I had to put up with the abuse because of what I did. I absolutely hate the fact that I had this affair!!! He told his entire family and I am so humiliated I can no longer attend any of their parties, get togethers, etc. We tried marriage counseling 4 times, it never works, he just keeps referring back to the affair and how I destroyed him. He will not listen and admits he cannot change how he is with money. He now works in an all cash business and owns two other homes that are rental properties( purchased before our marriage). He claims almost no earnings on the tax return. It's all a set up. I now pay for all the bills, plus pay for everything our kids need. If I ask for anything he turns around and says, why are you planning on f****** me.?
I took our two kids on a vacation in August. He refused to come, and did not even take us/pick us up at the airport. A month later he picked me up and carried me out of the house because I came home an hour late from a movie with a girlfriend. He was always very jealous and controlling and would demand to know exactly where I was, even when we were dating. I feel so stupid and pathetic!! I also grew up in lots of dysfunction, never thought I deserved better, I guess. I am now back in therapy and finally, after a straight year of going, starting to feel stronger. I did not go with him to his parents on Thanksgiving, that caused 3 solid days of fighting. I told him to expect the same on Christmas.
He's now saying he's not going to even get a tree, decorate the house, or anything because I'm ruining Christmas, so what's the point. Everything is my fault. Then he will be nice for a few days and expect me to forget about something terrible he said, because "everyone says things the don't mean when they're angry".
I now have plans to go to dinner with a girlfriend on Saturday. He told me that I better tell him the name of the place or he will have me followed. Sigh..
I have been to a lawyer, the retainer agreement is in the car, just so scared and STILL confused. STILL wondering if I am just a loser who ruined my marriage, just hope and pray I make the right decision.. But I'm just so tired of being alone. Sorry so long!

 

[EleGirl]

I get that your affair did damage to the marriage and hurt him quite a bit. But his abuse is not acceptable. You probably should have left a long time ago.

Things like him wanting to know for sure that you will be with your friend for Christmas dinner is reasonable due to the affair. That's the kind of thing that one does to build trust.. Just tell him that he is free to have you followed. Most likely he won't, sounds like hot air.

From what you have said, divorce is really your only option if you want to live in some sort of peace for the rest of your life. It's hard but you can do it.

Can you get any paperwork showing what he really earns in his business and his rental income? you need to get copies of every piece of financial information you can and store it in a safe place.

If he ever get violent with you again call 911 and have him removed from the house.

Have you ever called the police on him before because of his violence?

 

[Ricki123]

I have 4 reports already. One time I was on the phone with a domestic violence hotline, he came home unexpectedly..went into a rage and the counselor on the other end of the phone called the police on him. I have made a promise to myself that next time I will get a restraining order. He was like this before the affair..always wanting to know my whereabouts, I honestly believe that affair was partially to get him back for treating me so badly. His money issues were there too. I begged him to go for counseling, he always refused. When the affair was brewing he was playing poker at a "social club" 3-4 nights a week. I was always alone with the kids. Not trying to defend it, just still disgusted with myself and trying to remember what led me down that path. I have some financial records, not much. He has hidden everything and has all his mail going to his parents. There's really no marriage at all here. And, really..it's been 7 years. He's never going to let it go. Just hard to accept. Thanks for your input/advice!

 

[EleGirl]

Your affair is one issue.

His abuse is another and you should not be putting up with his abuse. Really... do what you need to do to be safe. That's #1.

Do you know where his mail it kept at his mother's house? Maybe you should go there for Christmas.

My ex used to do that.. mail to his mother's house. I was able to get into it just long enough to grab one statment from each account I could find. He never missed them. It's how I found out that he was transferring money into his mom's name to hide from me and paying her mortage from my income. He was not working at the time (in medical school) so it was my income. He never even missed the papers I took.