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Married to a habitual liar

2115 Views 15 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  tacoma, 
L
I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I have been with my husband for 13 years and have dealt with his lies since day 1. This is my first marriage and my husbands third. He cheated on both of his previous wives. He told me all about the issues and told me that he had changed and that he had prayed that he could find a good woman and if he could find one that he would change his ways. I thought that since he was telling me these things that maybe he actually had changed. When we were dating I caught him cheating on me but he denied it and I chose to forgive him as he was not going to admit to it. I then found emails that he had been writing to the woman that he had cheated on with the previous wife. He said that they were just friends and said that he would stop all communications with her. He did stop for a couple of months. I then found phone bills with her phone number on them and again he said that she started calling him and that he would stop but he never did. I finally decided to go see a counselor to try to deal with my feelings and he told me to just not think about it so I tried that. But it has just gnawed at me for the last several years. Now, whenever I ask him if he has had any communication with her he tells me that he hasn't but that's not true. I found that he created a secret email account where they are writing each other back and forth. They also chat on a chat board on a daily basis. She sends him pictures of her in lingerie and they both tell each other how much they love each other and how much they want to be together. They are now planning on meeting (she lives in another city). This is breaking my heart. When I confront him he tells me that I am crazy and that he is not talking to her. He then starts a fight with me so that we never get to resolve the issue. I just don't know what to do anymore. This woman is married too. When I read the emails that he writes to her I have noticed that he is not being honest with her either. I have lost all trust in him. I think I am basically staying with him for convenience now. In general he takes good care of me. He makes sure that all of my needs are taken care of. All except what I need the most, his faithfulness and love. All I want is for him to be truthful and honest with me. Does anyone know why he would not want to be honest with me? We get along very well. We own our own business and our lives are very blessed in every other way that is why I don't understand what is going on here. I hate the thought of divorce but I cannot get him to be honest with me. Please help me figure out how to make him open up to me and just be honest with me. I don't understand why if he loves me as he says he does that he is telling this other woman that he loves her too and that he talks about marrying her. It is so strange reading the things that he is saying to her because he is not being upfront with her either. I know that she knows about me because she has called our business before and I've answered. I've also seen some of the emails where he has mentioned me. Any advise would greatly be appreciated. If I need to clarify anything please don't hesitate to ask. Also, I apologize in advance for rambling on! Thank you so very much!!!
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FormerSelf
He is lying because he is living a double life as a sex addict and he is out of control. Imagine a meth head who will rob, steal, cheat, kill to get that drug. Same with sex...addicts will lie in bold face...whatever to try to keep their normal life going and yet still have their "drug" on the side.
How to get him to be more honest? He will not be honest for as long as he doesn't have a reason to be...and that is because you are letting him get away with everything. He is getting his cake and eating it too...as the saying goes. Stop doubting that which you know is true!!! He is cheating on you and will not stop unless he feels the pain of consequence...of the risk of losing his wife, business, family, reputation. But if you keep cleaning his messes...he will continue to think he is too cool for school.
Immediately stop having sex with him...and you need to get checked for STDs...seriously. Make a plan to either move with family or on your own if possible...or tell him to kick rocks if you think he will do that. Protect yourself financially if you have any money that you control...separate bank account and whatnot. Work with counselor, family, pastors...and whoever has some authority in your lives...tell everyone that your husband needs help. DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO SPEAK UP! Arrange to confront him to get help IMMEDIATELY or he will suffer the the consequences of needing to distance yourself from him. He may crack...or he may flip out...in either case..accept no bs, no more lies, no more excuses...don't go along with that you just would like to believe. No, make a stand and do not budge!!! Go for counseling...and get help for yourself to get skills to say NO to him...get your power...you will not be able to make healthy choices if you aren't thinking healthy and have healthy support. But doing what you are doing right now is not healthy...and you DESERVE BETTER!! And if he doesn't get help, then you deserve better than that. You deserve better.
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C
Wow. You deserve a medal for putting up with this for so long.

I am so sorry you´re going through this but I think it´s time for a reality check. I agree with everything FormerSelf says. It´s time to plan your exit and stick to that plan. He sounds quite the expert at persuasion so be strong when you make your exit.

Make sure you have people who will help and support you through this time and make sure someone is with you when you leave him. He will try anything to keep you, I bet. More lies, in other words.

Also, get counselling asap for you. You do deserve better and, above all, you deserve to be in a trusting & loving relationship.
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F
Hello LJB,

Sorry you here! This is going to be a long one…. Sorry it hurts in some places.

“I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I have been with my husband for 13 years and have dealt with his lies since day 1. This is my first marriage and my husbands third. He cheated on both of his previous wives. He told me all about the issues and told me that he had changed and that he had prayed that he could find a good woman and if he could find one that he would change his ways. I thought that since he was telling me these things that maybe he actually had changed. When we were dating I caught him cheating on me but he denied it and I chose to forgive him as he was not going to admit to it. I then found emails that he had been writing to the woman that he had cheated on with the previous wife. “
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At this point you were just dating and he’s in contact with the OW that destroyed his previous marriage (What a catch!:mad:). You forgave him because you trusted him and loved him.:mad: Guess what, he says he LOVES YOU to, he told you so, but has a serious problem with TRUST, therefore he doesn’t REALLY LOVE YOU like YOU LOVE HIM! He may know to spell the word trust, but he has no concept of what is truly means, does he? Remember, you’re just dating at this point, you could have, should have kicked his sorry little pathetic back-side out on to the street. But you forgave him because you thought you could rescue him and saw a future with him.

“He said that they were just friends and said that he would stop all communications with her. He did stop for a couple of months. I then found phone bills with her phone number on them and again he said that she started calling him and that he would stop but he never did. I finally decided to go see a counselor to try to deal with my feelings and he told me to just not think about it so I tried that. But it has just gnawed at me for the last several years.

Now, whenever I ask him if he has had any communication with her he tells me that he hasn't but that's not true. I found that he created a secret email account where they are writing each other back and forth. They also chat on a chat board on a daily basis. She sends him pictures of her in lingerie and they both tell each other how much they love each other and how much they want to be together. They are now planning on meeting (she lives in another city). This is breaking my heart. When I confront him he tells me that I am crazy and that he is not talking to her. He then starts a fight with me so that we never get to resolve the issue.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This woman is married too. When I read the emails that he writes to her I have noticed that he is not being honest with her either. I have lost all trust in him. I think I am basically staying with him for convenience now. “
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Fast forward to today, after 13 years of marriage you finally realise your husband has a TRUST problem. Right, you keep talking about the OW, screw her! It’s your husband that’s screwing up your marriage and playing mind games with you like, I LOVE YOU, I CAN CHANGE, YOU ARE THE ONE FOR ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!. He picks a fight with you to distract YOU from the REAL PROBLEM, and that’s HIM CHEATING ON YOU! Clever isn’t he, he seems to have mastered that skill to perfection.
“In general he takes good care of me. He makes sure that all of my needs are taken care of. All except what I need the most, his faithfulness and love. All I want is for him to be truthful and honest with me. Does anyone know why he would not want to be honest with me? We get along very well. We own our own business and our lives are very blessed in every other way that is why I don't understand what is going on here. I hate the thought of divorce but I cannot get him to be honest with me. Please help me figure out how to make him open up to me and just be honest with me. I don't understand why if he loves me as he says he does that he is telling this other woman that he loves her too and that he talks about marrying her. It is so strange reading the things that he is saying to her because he is not being upfront with her either. I know that she knows about me because she has called our business before and I've answered. I've also seen some of the emails where he has mentioned me. Any advise would greatly be appreciated. If I need to clarify anything please don't hesitate to ask. Also, I apologize in advance for rambling on! Thank you so very much!!!”
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I said above to screw the OW as she is NOT the problem, I lied! The OW is married and knows about you and you’ve spoken to her, and NOW she’s pi$$ing on your marriage and her own marriage. Excellent! Want to have some Intelligent Revenge? Gather all the information you have on their EA/PA and contact the OW’s Husband and BLOW THIS UP! He has the RIGHT TO KNOW EVERYTHING YOU KNOW about this affair!

He takes care of YOU, GIVES YOU EVERTHING BUT his TRUST and LOVE (Which by the way, is FAKE!). He sees you as a Security Blanket, the wife that’s always there, and the wife that LOVES HIM and TRUSTS HIM, and he’s milking you every single time. When he’s finished playing away with his OW, he knows you’re there waiting for him. What prefect little set-up he has going after 13 years and 2 failed marriages, and maybe a 3rd one?

The above is about your husband! Now it’s about YOU! YOU need to take charge of YOUR LIFE! He provides you with everything. Why NOT provide for yourself, inner happiness comes from within you. Take charge. There are many woman here, who’ve done just that and are not slaves to their cheating husbands.

A healthy and body is a healthy mind and vice-versa. Start thinking more positively about your life and where you want to be without him. Eat well; go for walks alone or with friends. Talk to family and friends about what you going through seek the advice. Get LEGAL ADVICE FAST![/COLOR]

Your husband is an Intelligent Serial-Cheater! He knows exactly what he is doing and is NOT some SICK PERSON from the way you describe him. Rescue him, NEVER! A Future with him after 13 years of lies, more lies, and even more lies; LADY! You need an Oscar for the crap you’ve put up with.;)

You will only see your real strength when you are at your weakest. Time to WOMAN-UP!​

Best Regards, FTP :)
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L
Thank you everyone who has given me such helpful advice. I am balling my eyes out because I know that each and everyone of you are so right. Deep down in side I've know this is the answer but I guess I didn't wanted it to be. I have already started prior to writing my first post on gather info on taking the next step just in case I needed to. I recently installed a keylogger on our computer so I now see the words he is typing to her and they are so hurtful. But these words will come in handy if I need proof for legal purposes or for just talking to her husband. Another sad thing in all of this is that he has made sure that I have no one to talk to now and that I am all alone. I don't have friends period. So, I'm so grateful that I found this site so at least I have other like minded people that I can vent to and hopefully I can support in my own way too. Thank you again to everyone. I am also going to work on building my self esteem back up. I've lost it over the years. I'm going to go back to the gym and get myself in shape so that I can feel pretty again. Please continue to write if you think of anything and I will support you in any way that I can.
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3Xnocharm
Thats great you got a keylogger installed. Now print out EVERYTHING. Consult an attorney, get together what you need to file for divorce, then throw your evidence in the cheater's face. He will probably cry and grovel, and promise you the moon...remember he is a LIAR!! He even LIES to the other women! You will NEVER get the truth from this man.
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L
I just checked what he has been writing today and I noticed that he changed his password. I think he's on to me looking at his emails because he changed his password but little does he know that I now know the new one. :). I do need to print the emails out as he may delete them and then I will not have any of the prior proof. I have told him that I want to speak with him but all of a sudden he became really sick. I bet his conscience made him sick. (He really is sick). I'm hoping that it's his nerves but probably not. With that being said. He now knows that I am going to want to talk about my suspicions. He knows that I am not good a quick responses. I hope that I can stand my ground with him when I confront him. I am not going to play all of my cards but I am going to tell him that I feel he is lying to me again and see if he even acknowledges it. This time though if he denies it I know what I am going to have to do. No more playing the weak and stupid supporting wife. Enough is enough.
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ljb said:
Enough is enough.
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Lies are just the tip of the iceburg for a manipulator so here are some helfpul hints:

Do not discuss. Do not argue. Do not listen. You lay down your terms, present them with choices, and stop speaking.

Do not justify or explain because that is their avenue to manipulate by disagreeing, guilt-tripping, shaming, playing the victim, blame-shifting, etc. He knows all of your emotional buttons so the only valid explanation you give is "that is my decision".

This guy is good at diverting with playing sick and all, so even when you box him in and force the discussion he is going to try de-railing it with every ounce of his effort. Yes, yes - they pull the fake fight. I had one blurt out that I had just stated something incredible and I needed to take it back. I was thunderstruck because I had said no such thing! She kept insisting that yes I had said it and launched into this diatribe about how awful it was, how could I say it, etc... and it was completely fabricated! I questioned my sanity! She began yelling and shrieking, making an enormous scene and it wasn't until later that I realized she had tricked me. She got me yelling back at her, which was exactly what she wanted. A fight over something else, not what I was trying to talk to her about.

So you have to ignore them and just get your message out. Say it and be done with it.

You will then have to proceed with the filing and just put one foot in front of the other without expecting anything but manipulative sabotage from them.

Good luck and stay focused.
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doubletrouble
Gather evidence.... I'm sorry, I am pro-R but this is pretty effed up. Gather evidence, maybe a VAR in the car, things like that. The things he is writing are probably enough (you be the judge).

The main advice around here is don't expose your sources of info, and don't expose too soon, or it will only drive them underground. That may not be a problem for you since you already have the keylogger installed, but folks can get pretty creative when their whole life is a lie.

Even if you do R, I'd leave the keylogger installed forever, and first thing on all new computers in the house.
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ljb said:
Thank you everyone who has given me such helpful advice. I am balling my eyes out because I know that each and everyone of you are so right. Deep down in side I've know this is the answer but I guess I didn't wanted it to be. I have already started prior to writing my first post on gather info on taking the next step just in case I needed to. I recently installed a keylogger on our computer so I now see the words he is typing to her and they are so hurtful. But these words will come in handy if I need proof for legal purposes or for just talking to her husband.

Another sad thing in all of this is that he has made sure that I have no one to talk to now and that I am all alone. I don't have friends period.

Well now! Everyone that posts on your thread IS YOUR FRIEND, Remember THAT always! We're on you're side and if hubby has a problem with that, after the divorce send him to us and we'll greet him with a nice warm welcome, on how NOT treat a Loyal Loving wife of 13 years. ;):p

So, I'm so grateful that I found this site so at least I have other like minded people that I can vent to and hopefully I can support in my own way too. Thank you again to everyone. I am also going to work on building my self esteem back up. I've lost it over the years. I'm going to go back to the gym and get myself in shape so that I can feel pretty again. Please continue to write if you think of anything and I will support you in any way that I can.
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Prodigal
Get checked for any and all STD's. I'm assuming you and your husband have recently had, or are still having, sexual relations.

Yep, you have a sex addict on your hands. But here is what YOU have to accept and work through: He's addicted to sex and you are addicted to him. That is called codependence.

Work on yourself. You can't fix your husband, that's for sure. But please don't beat yourself up too much. Codependents are known for going after addicts .... they love someone who can be their project to "fix." It is always a recipe for disaster.

Melodie Beatty wrote the now-classic book, Codependent No More. Get a copy. It WILL open your eyes. Also, there may be meetings for CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) in your area. If not, try Al-Anon. It is for family and friends of alcoholics, but I went to meetings with a gal who was married to a gambling addict.

Addiction is addiction. You need to acquire the tools to separate your value as a human being from how it has been framed in relation to the addict. I was married to TWO alcoholics. They both lied. Why? Because that is what addicts do.

It was also hell on my self-esteem. Getting counseling, joining a 12-step program, and focusing on my own healing saved me from going crazy. I understand how we get sucked in by an addict, even when our own instincts are SCREAMING at us to stay away.

I've lived it. Trust me, you can get through this and come out a stronger person. You will value yourself enough to choose men with integrity and character.

Just start moving in the direction of getting out. You deserve it.
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Y
If you have no kids, cut your losses, do whatever you have to do and get out/leave.

If you have kids, post this in coping with infidelity and see what others say about options. Good luck and I'm sorry :(
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ljb said:
I just checked what he has been writing today and I noticed that he changed his password. I think he's on to me looking at his emails because he changed his password but little does he know that I now know the new one. :). I do need to print the emails out as he may delete them and then I will not have any of the prior proof. I have told him that I want to speak with him but all of a sudden he became really sick. I bet his conscience made him sick. (He really is sick). I'm hoping that it's his nerves but probably not. With that being said. He now knows that I am going to want to talk about my suspicions. He knows that I am not good a quick responses. I hope that I can stand my ground with him when I confront him. I am not going to play all of my cards but I am going to tell him that I feel he is lying to me again and see if he even acknowledges it. This time though if he denies it I know what I am going to have to do. No more playing the weak and stupid supporting wife. Enough is enough.
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I don´t know if I would even confront him. I think, in your shoes, I´d do that through the divorce lawyer. He may try to twist your words, destroy evidence you´re collecting (it will certainly make it harder if he knows you´re onto him), lie even more and/or get under your skin.

As for him ´getting sick´ how convenient!!

Don´t let him know what evidence you have got. Just gather it, print it, make copies and pass it all onto your lawyer. Don´t play the nice wife. It´s time to get tough and get out.

You can do this!
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ljb said:
I just checked what he has been writing today and I noticed that he changed his password. I think he's on to me looking at his emails because he changed his password but little does he know that I now know the new one. :). I do need to print the emails out as he may delete them and then I will not have any of the prior proof. I have told him that I want to speak with him but all of a sudden he became really sick. I bet his conscience made him sick. (He really is sick). I'm hoping that it's his nerves but probably not. With that being said. He now knows that I am going to want to talk about my suspicions. He knows that I am not good a quick responses. I hope that I can stand my ground with him when I confront him. I am not going to play all of my cards but I am going to tell him that I feel he is lying to me again and see if he even acknowledges it. This time though if he denies it I know what I am going to have to do. No more playing the weak and stupid supporting wife. Enough is enough.
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I agree with Doubletrouble post#9 (You’re trouble maker, I’m always the last to know:)) .

How good is your husband with computers?
Do have one computer at home you both share?
Does he have a Smartphone? If Yes,
Do you have access to it?

I agree with Prodigal’s post#11, about Co-dependency is correct for the both of YOU. Break IT. He needs YOU more than YOU need him and you know it. You could write a book on him, and people will applaud you for just surviving this man.

I agree with Cora’s post#13, just remember he’s been playing you with words of LOVE and TRUST throughout your dating and marriage, and you know he lies to this OW, who else?.

If your husband caves in once everything blows-up in his face, he may play you with NEW words like R, IC or MC or any other word in the dictionary. Your marriage, as stated by others is an OPEN MARRIAGE by him and NOT you. It’s time to END THIS OPEN MARRIAGE.

This may come across a bit rude, it’s not meant to be, if anything it’s to make you smile.

Your husband is playing with words while also playing away, while his loving wife is the “Dumbo” wife, it’s time for you to play “Colombo’s” wife (Get it!);)

Become that “Woman on a mission”!

Regards, FTP :)
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doubletrouble
My second wife is a pathological liar.
Ex wife.
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tacoma
Print out all those e-mails and text/call logs and send them to the OW's husband.
He'll stop their affair.
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