I am really wondering if there is some type of correlation between infidelity and childhood sex abuse survivors. If anyone can relate because they have been with an unfaithful spouse that is a CSA survivor OR you are one yourself and know something about this - Id love some feedback. Here is my situation:
Throughout our marriage (which I am only recently finding out) she felt comfortable lying about anything where her real feelings were being revealed and also seeking out "dangerous sex" with others - so while our sex life was triggering for her - she seemed to want/seek out affairs with new people that were always somewhat unsafe as well.
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
I am the long term husband of a CSA survivor. It seems that the effects of sex abuse on males can be quite different than on females. I have not read much at all about male survivors so my comments and opinions may not be at all applicable to male survivors.
CSA survivors learn about sex, sexuality, nudity, and relationships in a terribly defective way. These survivors were young children and thus they interpreted events through a child's level of understanding. Their brains are rewired differently, and permanently, from the abuse events. There are many potential secondary events which can further damage them, such as a trusted adult refusing to believe their story about the abuse, or even being blamed for the abuse.
Which is all to say we must be cautious in trying to understand the logic and emotions of an abuse survivor especially in relation to sex and close emotional relationships.
Research shows a history of child sex abuse is one of the top 3 correlations to marital infidelity. A previous history of infidelity is iirc the highest correlation, and I forget what the #2 correlating factor is.
Strange, because sex is frequently very very difficult for the CSA survivor within a marriage, yet extra-marital sex may be very easy and in fact very much desired.
Another common pattern is sexual promiscuity in the high school and college years, followed by major problems with sexual intimacy in a marriage. The common explanation is that the boyfriend is won over with sex. He gives her validation of her value via her being sexual with him. She learned as a child her value is in sex. But when she becomes engaged and then married, the boyfriend jumps the fence from "outsider" to "adult male authority figure relative", which puts him in the same category as her abuser. Suddenly he is now emotionally (and maybe not even consciously) considered one of the dangerous class of males.
CSA survivors tend to cope either by acting out or acting in. Acting out would be things like promiscuity, violent or abusive behavior, and infidelity. Acting inward includes things like anorexia, high levels of internal stress, pulling her hair out.
There can be a blending of acting out and acting in. My wife does have some of both, though she tends more towards the acting out side.
Kar, I see you have a few other posts since you started this thread. Things seem to be on the mend. Just don't rug sweep her CSA. She needs to deal with it, as it is a foundational part of her sexuality and emotional intimacy.
