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Hello all!

I've always been told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. I expected that we'd fight a lot. And we have. Mostly about family, jobs, how busy we are, sex, etc. From what it sounds like, these are pretty normal things.

Our anniversary is next week and we are planning a nice getaway for about 5 days which we are both looking forward to.

So the problem we are having now is that our sex life is almost non-existent. We have sex about once every 2 months it seems. Sometimes we'll manage once a month. But it's usually never very good and I feel very empty afterwards.

I'll be very honest here and tell you that I've been with plenty of women before I met my wife. And every single one of them enjoyed sex quite a bit. And afterwards, we felt very close and often would just lay together and enjoy that time. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen with my own wife.....and that bothers me. I want to feel that closeness with her instead of her just getting up and going about her work or chores and not paying attention to me.

I love my wife. A lot. I'd do anything for her. She knows that. I tell her how much I love her daily. I do things for her like buy her little presents randomly. I clean up after her often (which is tiring at times). I do a lot of the house work so she doesn't have to. She is a writer and is usually very busy with freelance work on top of her full time work.

When it comes to initiating sex, I've tried and either she is too tired or her attitude about it is like this: "Um. Ok I guess." I've been rejected a few times and it hurts or makes me feel like she isn't interested. She's told me that she's rather me initiate it than her and has gotten mad at me because she thinks she shouldn't have to initiate it. So.....how are we supposed to have sex if she acts uninterested when I initiate it, and she never ever initiates it??

I would love for us to just have sex for hours on end, because I know I can and have in the past. But to her, that seems like overkill and she has said that it feels like a waste of a few hours. But it would be so wonderful to be that close to her for so long. It hurts that she doesn't want that.

When we do have sex, she has a lot of trouble reaching an orgasm. Sometimes it takes hours. She thinks its due to a medication she is taken, and she may be right but she doesn't care it seems. Honestly, I've worked very hard at trying to find what works for her. Sometimes she gets there, but most of the time she doesn't. The worst part of sex is that she makes no sounds at all and just lays there. She seems very uninterested. She never tells me she likes what I'm doing or says that something feels good. I feel like I give her A LOT of sexual attention. I'd love to just pleasure her all day, but she just isn't into it that much. She insist that the lights are off and that she is covered up because she thinks she is overweight. So that means it can only be at night, and by then we are both too tired usually.

Recently I bought her a vibrator and she loves it. But it has turned into us getting naked and me using a vibrator on her. End of story. She gives me no attention. She even said while we were naked "Penises are so ugly." I promptly got dressed and left the room feeling very awkward and like she wasn't attracted to me at all. She didn't have to say that. Why do some women feel that way, but so many women that I have been with love male body parts and spend lots of time and attention on them.

I've bought her TONS of lingerie and she never wears it. She says it's not comfortable or that it doesn't feel good. Which is totally fine. But I bought it for her to wear when we have sex, but she just never is interested. She also said she doesn't know when she's supposed to wear it and that if she is only supposed to wear it before we have sex, then it's just a waste of time because it never stays on long. But I've told her that it's like unwrapping a present and that I love seeing her in it because she looks beautiful and sexy. She got really mad at me one time when I asked her to wear matching black bra and panties with stockings and a garter. She is SO hot in it. She's dressed like that once and said she felt like a *****. Last time I asked her to wear it, she said "Oh you want me to look like a ***** for you. That's so nice dear. (sarcasm)" End of story. No sex.

Last night while we were getting groceries, a very attractive younger woman approached me while I was on the beer isle. She was dressed very sexy (which my wife never does because she thinks she is overweight, which she isn't and I tell her she isn't every day.) The girl started flirting with me. I definitely realized it and promptly walked away, but not before my wife saw the girl talk to me. So my wife proceeded to say things like "I bet you wish I dressed like that." And "Why do girls always flirt with you!?! No one ever flirts with me. Probably because I'm fat." Then she started asking if all of my past girl friends dressed like that girl that was flirting with me and wore lingerie and were skinny and stuff. It made me realize that her self esteem is VERY low. We go through this any time a girl talks to me or looks at me. She gets mad if I mention a woman that I work with or anything. I NEVER talk to women at work in any way other than professional. I don't have friends that are women. And I'd never cheat on my wife. The thought has never crossed my mind.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this. I complement her a lot. Every day I tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. I even call her "beautiful" most of the time. And she is! Everyone thinks so. She practically looks like a Barbie doll.

I have a very high sex drive. The relationships I was in before I met my wife, I was having sex daily or sometimes twice a day for years on end. Last woman I dated was for almost 4 years and we had sex sometimes twice a day every day. The relationship before that, we had sex probably 3-5 times a week for 3 years. I understand that not all women are like that, and I don't expect my wife to be like that. But 2 times in 2 months......COME ON!!!

So to recap, my wife:
- Isn't interested in sex.
- When she is interested, it's all about her and no attention is given to me.
- When I initiate sex, it seems like a chore to her.
- During sex she seems like she is bored and doesn't make sounds at all or move in any way (dead fish syndrome).
- When sex is over, it feels very empty and not very personal. Almost like a chore.
- She makes no attempts to initiate sex and is never in the mood.
- She won't wear any lingerie I have bought her, even though I've told her how beautiful and sexy I think she is in it.
- She is very self-conscience about her weight and looks despite me telling her that I think she is beautiful all the time.


PLEASE HELP!!!!! :(:(:(:(
 

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Don't have children! Read MMSL (Married Mans Sex Life). Take charge.

If that doesn't work, divorce. You don't want to be in a marriage like this for the rest of your life. Move on.
Honestly, divorce is the easy way out. Marriage takes work and I plan to work this out somehow. I don't believe divorce is the right way to go.

No I don't want to be in a marriage like this the rest of my life, but I've made a commitment to my wife and I plan to stand by that.
 

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What kind of talks about your sex life have you had with her? What was her up bringing? Religious? Was she taught sex was bad as a child? Or perhaps sex was not discussed at all in her house at all?
 

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She wasn't raised in a church (but funny enough I was and I'm very religious now). I don't think she was taught anything about sex growing up because she honestly seems like she hasn't done a lot or tried a lot of things. She did have sex before me though because she has told me. It doesn't sound like she had any bad experiences though.

We've tried to talk about sex plenty of times but it usually ends up in argument or with her saying that I am just treating her like a *****. But am I really treating her like a ***** simply because I expect us to have sex seeing that she is my wife and all?

Why do some women enjoy dressing up and pleasing their man, and she doesn't? I take very very good care of her and love her deeply, but she shows now sexual interest in me at all. But then she wants to scratch the eyes out of every woman that looks at me.

I don't understand!
 

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I love my wife. A lot. I'd do anything for her. She knows that. I tell her how much I love her daily. I do things for her like buy her little presents randomly. I clean up after her often (which is tiring at times). I do a lot of the house work so she doesn't have to. She is a writer and is usually very busy with freelance work on top of her full time work.
TK, I'll be blunt and honest. This paragraph sums up the problem...you have become a doormat to your wife in less than a year. She is not interested in sex with you. She is interested in sex, not with you.

Please visit www.marriedmansexlife ASAP. Buy the book ASAP and read it. Then read it again.

Read this thread carefully...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...tat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html#post245159

Go to the Men's Clubhouse on this forum and read the great threads on being more alpha....
 

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TK, I'll be blunt and honest. This paragraph sums up the problem...you have become a doormat to your wife in less than a year. She is not interested in sex with you. She is interested in sex, not with you.

Please visit www.marriedmansexlife ASAP. Buy the book ASAP and read it. Then read it again.

Read this thread carefully...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...tat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html#post245159

Go to the Men's Clubhouse on this forum and read the great threads on being more alpha....
It's not bad advice in general...

But the OP never stated that sex was great or even good before. So I'm not sure it's a simple matter of her not being sexually attracted. She probably put on a little show of being sexy before the wedding, hated it, and now that the papers are signed she's done.

Sounds more like her being generally insecure, uncomfortable with her own sexuality. If anything it sounds as if he needs more beta, not more alpha. For example he gets hit on in public and she goes further into her shell, feeling insecure.

But the bigger worry is that she is just a dud in bed. Maybe with a lot of counseling she can overcome that.

OP, you have no problem finding good sexual partners, but for some reason you married a bad one. May I ask why you did this?
 

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It took me a very long time(years) to accept my body and to be happy with it. I didn't have any weight issues, but I have flaws. It was my husband who gave me the confidence to be naked in front of him. It was him saying over and over how happy he was by my looks. I never brought up my insecurities, but he knew. We had to have a dark room for at least the first 5 years or so. Eventually I got over my insecurities by his gentleness and we now will shower together. I'm also heavier now then I was when we first married. I have health issues preventing me from exercising. I'm not overweight by any means, but I'm not underweight like I once was and I no longer have a toned body like I did when I was a runner.

Body insecurities do not go away over night. There are no quick fixes. Also, you need to STOP comparing your wife to ex flings/girlfriends. This is very disrespectful and extremely hurtful. If you ever told her your comparing her to your exes, she will even be much more insecure. Put the past behind you and focus on your wife.

Tell her that you'd like to try new things with her in the bedroom. Be gentle about it and don't pressure her. If she feels pressured, she'll back off even more.

My husband and I never really had any difficulties in our entire marriage. We always communicate what is on our minds and come up with a compromise on every issue. Never in a million years would he bring up the past or his exes. He did not want to hear about mine either. We were both married previously. I would be extremely hurt if he was comparing me to his exes.

Use this time to grow together. I bet her lack of sex could be due to her insecurities.
 

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Never in a million years would he bring up the past or his exes. He did not want to hear about mine either. We were both married previously. I would be extremely hurt if he was comparing me to his exes.
Where in the world did you read that it was ME bringing up my ex-girlfriends? I assure you, I never compare her to them. She ask a lot of questions about them sometimes wanting to compare herself to them. I always answer with, "Honey, I married you, not them. And I married you because I'm attracted to and I love you."

I would never in a million years talk about or bring up my ex-girlfriends.

What I said about sex with my previous relationships was to let you know that it is NOT me that has the sexual problem.
 

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Was your sex life with her ever good?

C
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No. Not really. But I don't think she really knows what a good sex life is. Her mother once told her that she has sex a few times a week. My wife told me that she thought that was ridiculous and wasn't sure how people find themselves wanting to do it that much.
 

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Reading your story, it sounds like you're doing all the wrong things. You're rewarding her bad behavior. You should be ignoring/shunning bad behavior and rewarding ONLY good behavior. You're also missing opportunities. Like when she asks about a girl flirting with you. That's an opportunity to point out that you should be getting that from her, but instead you're getting it from other women. Put her on the spot. Don't back down. Make her OWN her actions.

You really really need to read Married Man Sex Life. Others may suggest the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and that may be good. I haven't read enough of your posts to get a feeling for whether you are a "nice guy" or not yet though.
 

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Honestly, divorce is the easy way out. Marriage takes work and I plan to work this out somehow. I don't believe divorce is the right way to go.

No I don't want to be in a marriage like this the rest of my life, but I've made a commitment to my wife and I plan to stand by that.
Me too! 25 years of feeling like you are feeling. :slap:

You can be committed as you like, but you can't change someone.
 

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But the bigger worry is that she is just a dud in bed. Maybe with a lot of counseling she can overcome that.

OP, you have no problem finding good sexual partners, but for some reason you married a bad one. May I ask why you did this?
Well I honestly don't think you have sex with a million women until you find the one that you enjoy the most. Previous relationships had great sex, but the relationship sucked. I married my wife because we get along great, I'm attracted to her, and she is someone that I'd like to be with forever.

My wife and I love each other a lot. We get along great and joke around a lot. However, in the bedroom she becomes a different person almost. To me sex is a very serious thing and I'm very passionate about it with her. But for her, it seems like just another thing to try to fit into your busy life.
 

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I always answer with, "Honey, I married you, not them. And I married you because I'm attracted to and I love you."
You could answer with "they seemed to be a lot more attracted to me though. I don't understand why you aren't as attracted to me as they were".

You seem to put everything on yourself to spare her from having any responsibility. You won't get results that way.
 

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It took me a very long time(years) to accept my body and to be happy with it. I didn't have any weight issues, but I have flaws. It was my husband who gave me the confidence to be naked in front of him. It was him saying over and over how happy he was by my looks. I never brought up my insecurities, but he knew. We had to have a dark room for at least the first 5 years or so. Eventually I got over my insecurities by his gentleness and we now will shower together. I'm also heavier now then I was when we first married. I have health issues preventing me from exercising. I'm not overweight by any means, but I'm not underweight like I once was and I no longer have a toned body like I did when I was a runner.
Congratulations!

Body insecurities do not go away over night. There are no quick fixes. Also, you need to STOP comparing your wife to ex flings/girlfriends. This is very disrespectful and extremely hurtful. If you ever told her your comparing her to your exes, she will even be much more insecure. Put the past behind you and focus on your wife.
Please don't tell him his thoughts are wrong. No one can avoid making comparisons between their partners. Yes discussing how the other girls were better in bed with his wife would be very dumb. But he needs to deal with his feelings and this is an appropriate forum for doing so. Anyway his memories of better sex are not going to just disappear. Those memories will eventually lead to desire. And the OP has regular opportunities to stray, so he had better come up with some viable strategy beyond "just stop comparing your partners".
 

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That seems very manipulative to try to play head games with her. I'm not trying to make her feel bad or guilty because other women are attracted to me.
Obviously she has insecurities that are beyond my control and I don't think comparing her to other women to her face is going to help anything.
 

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Ok, well keep trying what you're doing. Build her up in hopes that she'll live up to it. Perhaps it will work out for you.
 

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This may seem off topic, but it's not. May I ask how you feel about kid's sports teams that give the same trophies to the winners as the losers? Or the kid's sports teams that don't keep score because it might hurt the losing team's feelings?
 

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IMHO, your wife does not know what her own sexuality is, or what she likes, so why would she like sex? Get her this book: Woman's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction*by Georgia Kline-Graber R.N. and Benjamin Graber M.D.*

She can't dress sexy for you when she does not feel that she is inside. How can one show sexual interest in another if they don't have that confidence knowing one's sexuality gives them?

Some Girls are not taught about sexuality. They are taught that it is bad and only lose moral girls do such things, then when married there is a switch that is expected to be made, but after all that ingraining on how bad that is how does one make that switch?

Or worse yet she could have had no education from her parents on the role of a wife. In my home sex was not talked about, I don’t think I knew what it was until health class, I knew my parents loved each other because they said it and they did things for each other, but they never were affectionate around us kids. In fact, I do not think I have ever heard my mother say the word SEX. Many years I had a hard time saying it myself.

When she gets angry about other women hitting on you I think it is more of a reaction that those women understand their sexuality and can express it, but she can not and it makes her feel inferior. I don’t think you can say anything to change that. She needs some IC to work on those self esteem issues.
 
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