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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm 26 and my husband is 30. We met on the internet when I was 18 and he was 22 (He didn't know my age at the time) on a musician's message board. We emailed constantly and then he came to visit me from his home state (17 hour drive). When we met, we didn't have that physical spark but we continued our relationship. He moved to my state where I was going to college a year later. We had regular sex, but to me it has always felt like just sex. We have and always have had an amazing friendship, we do everything together and enjoy eachothers company. We have since moved to a new state where we're very isolated and haven't made friends easily (it's been about 4 years). We got engaged, had a 1 1/2 year engagement, then were married not even 9 months ago.
I have always wondered if I could be missing out on something but feel incredibly lucky to be with my husband. I really want to live the rest of my life with him, have his children, etc, but I know what it's like to have a satisfying, physical relationship with someone. He, on the other hand, had never had a serious girlfriend before me. I have always 'rejected' him (for lack of a better term) explaining that I don't like to be touched/kissed/show affection. I do believe that, but I also wonder if it's because of HIM. I do find him attractive, I tend to find other men attractive that look like him, but it's more of an annoyance when I'm touched by him (except during sex). I truly don't know if it's me or us.
The other night I asked him if he was IN LOVE with me and it opened up a whole slew of feelings. We both feel the same way, that we love each other so much but we think getting married was a mistake and that there might be more out there and we'll never know if we could feel like we are with a best friend AND someone we feel passion for. We also recognize that we've become very dependent on eachother given that we haven't made any friends and have almost no social experience since we've moved; we both even work with people significantly older than us with no exposure to peers.

I am heartbroken for many reasons, mostly because I can't imagine being without him but also because I've always wanted to know if there is more out there. I don't want to deprive either of us from sexual satisfaction or feeling wanted physically but we also don't want to give up something great.
We right now are looking for options. We don't even know what they are. Living separated and seeing other people? Divorce? Acknowledging that what we have is something many people wish they had and get over it?

We're also both very embarrassed. We were just married and can't imagine telling our family and friends that we are considering divorce. I know this seems like a small piece, but I can't get it out of my head.

If anyone has experienced this and has advice, we'd be happy to hear it. We have no anger toward each other and are very sad about the situation. We really are looking for ideas and options. Counseling is an option but we don't have very much money. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
 

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You both are extremely confused, so why the rush to divorce or separate? You both need to get into couples counseling; there are low-cost alternatives, so check it out. Also, don't forget to REALLY LOOK AT your budget and see if there is entertainment you can cut out (dinners out, movies, concerts, etc.) in order to have more money available for counseling. Spending the money on counseling NOW is going to be worth more to BOTH OF YOU in the long-run than whatever you're currently spending the money on.

Your counselor should be able to tell you after a few sessions whether you two would benefit MORE from sexual counseling than from IC or marital counseling.

If you're REALLY strapped for money, you can try checking self-help books out from your library (lots of titles are recommended on this site) and READ THEM TOGETHER. I would still opt for PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING at least to start with so you know you're headed in the right direction.

Good luck!
 

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I dont think you should give up. You seem to think the grass may be greener elsewhere and you seem to say you have had some experience. You dont seem to have found any real fault with him, just your imagination that things could be better. First of all since it seems he hasnt had experience he may not know what you really want. You shouldnt jump ship so quickly
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you for your advice. We are definitely going to get into therapy. Financially we are already on a strict budget and aren't able to go out anyway. That could be a cause of some of our depression that both of us are feeling. I'll look into the options and see what we have available to us in our area.

And I do take your comment seriously, that "the grass is greener" and we've tried to be very aware of this. I suppose my worry is more that I should have romantic feelings for my husband but I don't, and vice versa, but I know that wondering what else is out there definitely plays a part.
 

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Sometimes there is a physical chemistry that just can't be explained. On the other hand, maybe you're just not doing it right. There are lots of books out there on sex. Do a little research and don't be afraid to experiment.

There are a lot of needs that marriages need to fill, and if you read these forums, you will see that you are getting a lot more out of yours than most people. If you've got a best friend who doesn't judge you, go play!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It's worth a shot, but I think we're talking more about the chemistry. We have satisfactory sex, there's no issue there, it more of an attraction/initiation issue.
I'm feeling a lot better about this, though I know there's a journey ahead of us. We are talking again tonight about everything.
 

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Counselling is in order, and in the meantime send your H to the men's clubhouse forum on this website.
 

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Hi Arrowhead -- Sorry you're in this situation. Have you ever considered a trial separation just to see what it would be like? I read a book about it once -- my husband wouldn't agree to it because he says if I leave I shouldn't bother coming back, but it might be an idea for you -- just throwing it out there.
 

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How similar, i married my best friend 4 years ago, together 6 friends for 6 years before that. We just boughtahouse sixweeks ago, told me 4 weeks ago she was not happy and wanted out, no other guy, she is not mmakingany moves,sleeping in different rooms,she is confused, do the 180 i am on it,thats the only way to see what she really wants, good luck!
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Maybe you both just have overly romanticized expectations about what being "in love" is that are getting in the way of you actually having a loving and real relationship. It sounds like you're both looking for some kind of thrill or someone to complete you or make your life magical for you, but....that isn't going to happen because those relationships do not last. I think you're both in need of a little more romance and you should be that way with each other and see if you can make the spark happen for you. Try reading some books or just dating each other as if it was all new. Something drew you to each other, but you just need to climb out of the complacent "friend" zone and be more romantic with each other and that won't happen until you both just try it. Don't give up on each other. Your problems don't sound like anything to break up over, just like something to spice up a little bit.
 
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