[beachesndreams]

What do you do when you realize that you have no chemistry with your husband and avoid having sex with him? We are still fairly newly married with no kids...but we have not had sex in almost 3 months. Actually, I can probably count on two hands the number of times we have had sex in the past 10 months.

I feel like I just watched this evolve over the past 4-5 years, knowing full and well what I was doing, but I was incapable of stopping it for some reason. My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years, but we dated for 3 years before we got married and have known each other for 18 years (went to hs together). I had just turned 30 when we started dating and had been through some painful relationships leading up to that. I think I knew that he was a really good guy and he is funny and attractive and has a good job and would never cheat on me...but I have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. I don't know that I ever did even when we were dating. He was the nice, safe guy that I knew wouldn't hurt me.

So I married him and now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life...and his. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life in a marriage that has no passion or chemistry. We have been talking about trying to have kids, but I don't want to get pregnant and complicate things even further if I'm not even sure about the marriage. The problem is that I love him very very much...as a friend. I don't know if I could bear hurting him in such a way by leaving him, but do we not both deserve a chance at true love?

I need some advice...your thoughts...experiences...anything?

Thanks!

 

[dormant]

What is he saying about the lack of sex?

 

[beachesndreams]

well, i haven't actually told him that i'm not attracted to him in that way because he is very shy and i know that hearing something like that would just kill him. he tends to turn into a shy little boy again when it comes to intimate subjects...which in and of itself is not exactly a turn-on in the bedroom. he doesn't seem to mind the fact that we don't have sex. whenever we do, i have to initiate it. he never does.

 

[A Bit Much]

well, i haven't actually told him that i'm not attracted to him in that way because he is very shy and i know that hearing something like that would just kill him. he tends to turn into a shy little boy again when it comes to intimate subjects...which in and of itself is not exactly a turn-on in the bedroom. he doesn't seem to mind the fact that we don't have sex. whenever we do, i have to initiate it. he never does.

Maybe he feels the same way about you as you do him? :scratchhead:

If you're living this way I find it reasonable to suspect he'd understand how you feel. He's going through the motions too.

 

[dormant]

I guess then, it boils down to... Are you willing to live your life like this? It bothers you now, it will bother you more later.

If you know you are not going to find a way to be happy, sooner is better than later. If he is going to have to start over, he needs to know it now.

 

[Prodigal]

I can speak from experience, having gone through this myself when I was in my early 20's, as well as having a close gf who married a guy with whom she was best friends/buddies for 13 years before they wed.

My case? I couldn't get all hot and sweaty over a nice guy who fell in love with me. Ultimately, I ended it. I liked him, he was my rock upon whom I could rely when I was in crisis-mode, he was an all-around good man. But there was simply no sexual chemistry whatsoever. I saw his profile on FB, but left it alone. He is married and has gotten on with his life. I hope all has gone well for him.

My gf? She's been married to her best friend for 23 years. They have four children. Their marriage isn't perfect, but it works for them. Her husband is a good man and he has tremendous respect for his wife. For them, friendship was a priority. Obviously, with four kids, they had to have sex now and then!

All I can tell you is, if you think this is salvageable, try MC. Things may come out that neither one of you want to admit, but at least the cards will be out on the table.

And I completely agree with A Bit Much. For your husband, perhaps being best friends is just fine with him. It doesn't sound like he's into you, sexually-speaking, either.

 

[Runs like Dog]

OP is there a problem or do you THINK there MIGHT be a problem?

 

[unbelievable]

You can't stop it? Are you paralyzed? I'm confused. Aren't you in control of what your body does and doesn't do?

 

[SimplyAmorous]

beachesndreams said: I think I knew that he was a really good guy and he is funny and attractive and has a good job and would never cheat on me...but I have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. I don't know that I ever did even when we were dating. He was the nice, safe guy that I knew wouldn't hurt me.

Awe these stories make me so
Why did you marry him KNOWING you was missing "that feeling", that sweet chemisty to be in his arms.

Women & men alike should never never never do this, it always causes issues down the road. There has to be some SPARK that can be re-ignited over the years, some original flame, not being able to keep your hands off each other.

but we have not had sex in almost 3 months. Actually, I can probably count on two hands the number of times we have had sex in the past 10 months.

The definition of a "sexless marraige" is less than 10 times in a year... Sounds to me you fit this profile, no wonder you have NO PASSION. Resentment is climbing the walls in you, maybe him too....do you know the issues on both sides?

he tends to turn into a shy little boy again when it comes to intimate subjects...which in and of itself is not exactly a turn-on in the bedroom. he doesn't seem to mind the fact that we don't have sex. whenever we do, i have to initiate it. he never does.

What has contributed to his BEING this way...past relationships/ severe rejection from another woman possibly ? Too much religious thinking towards sex acts...taboo talking about it ? You feel he is a boy... Not coming on to you like a MAN pursuing what he wants and taking it - all women want to feel desired by our men.

Being Best friends is not the issue here...I've been married to mine for 23 yrs, 31 together, we cherish this fact about each other.

*** It is this lack of flirtatous passion in intimacy that has dried up your love for this man, and/or the fact you "settled" - feeling/hoping it might get better, when that chemisty was just .... never there.

You both need to open up this Box & talk openly/honestly about how you feel... your needs...his needs... and where to go from here.

I would recommend this book-though it would have been helpful if you at least had some original spark to work with...

Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse

 

[Deepdivered]

My wife and I where best friends but ya we always felt a little more than that just we where always in other relationships tell we started ours.

Love her so much and lots of passion in our relationship

 

[RDL]

Firstly I would like to point out that attraction is not a choice. It is a natural biochemical response to behaviors and actions your partner does.

Generally speaking behaviors like high self confidence, social mastery, leadership, initiative, tool usage and decisiveness build attraction.

The capacity of a person to generate attraction is not set in stone. Indeed it usually varies with time either up or down.

In order to begin addressing the situation your partner first needs to learn about these concepts and then develop the habits of behaving more attractive.

I would recommend for him to read Athol Kay - Married Man Sex Life. It's a good material on how attraction works in the context of marriage. It even mentions in the book that most men get to read it because their partners suggest it or accidentally leave it open on a computer.

 

[teachgrl]

I totally get what you are saying. I said previously that I was in a loveless marriage, but what I meant was sexless. I also married my best friend, we were married for 15 years and have 3 children together. We finally decided to divorce, for a little while it was bad, but now we are friends again and both of us are moving on. We will always be friends.

 

[Ilpfmh]

I Married that guy too. Put him through a masters degree and had three children. Anyone who knew us would say we're the perfect couple.... except that just shy of 15 years in I suddenly woke up to sexual desire for another man who was divorced. We had a friendship and ultimately an affair while he continued to date other women. The experience encouraged me to try to be more assertive with my husband, but I just got lame should-pat hugs and could shoulders in bed with the occasional unsatisfactory one and done sex. Still, I would not break up my family, and after a few months told my new best friend and sexual partner that we had to stop seeing each other because he had a chance to be happy with someone else he'd met. That broke my heart and I thought I'd never be happy again. A few months later I started another relationship with another single friend, which has continued for 3+ years. Now 19 years into the marriage and 22 years after we started dating I am stuck thinking the same thoughts and wondering if my children could ever understand and forgive me for leaving my passionless, yet otherwise 'perfect' marriage to their father and destroying their financial resources and lifestyles.

 

[Revamped]

I Married that guy too. Put him through a masters degree and had three children. Anyone who knew us would say we're the perfect couple.... except that just shy of 15 years in I suddenly woke up to sexual desire for another man who was divorced. We had a friendship and ultimately an affair while he continued to date other women. The experience encouraged me to try to be more assertive with my husband, but I just got lame should-pat hugs and could shoulders in bed with the occasional unsatisfactory one and done sex. Still, I would not break up my family, and after a few months told my new best friend and sexual partner that we had to stop seeing each other because he had a chance to be happy with someone else he'd met. That broke my heart and I thought I'd never be happy again. A few months later I started another relationship with another single friend, which has continued for 3+ years. Now 19 years into the marriage and 22 years after we started dating I am stuck thinking the same thoughts and wondering if my children could ever understand and forgive me for leaving my passionless, yet otherwise 'perfect' marriage to their father and destroying their financial resources and lifestyles.

Other than pulling up a two year old thread,

I think you should be more focused on earning your children's forgiveness when they find out about your cheating ways.

 

[MachoMcCoy]

The problem is that I love him very very much...as a friend. I don't know if I could bear hurting him in such a way by leaving him, but do we not both deserve a chance at true love?

Do both of you deserve a chance? Well, I don't care about you. You chose this man selfishly because he was safe. And now you have him trapped in a sexless marriage because YOU are not happy about the decision YOU made.

Hurting him by leaving him? How about hurting him by trapping him into the mess you started. Leaving him will be the best thing you can possibly do. And do it SOON, and bring a little bit of dignity back into your life.

And when you tell him why you are leaving, make sure he knows it was ALL YOU!!!. You trapped him. You deceived him. You are now doing the one thing in life that can be perceived as "right" since you trapped...sorry, married him.

Hurt him? No way around that. But do the right thing now. For HIM.

 

[MachoMcCoy]

Other than pulling up a two year old thread

DAMN!!! Got me AGAIN! And I LOVED my advice to her.

 

[treyvion]

What do you do when you realize that you have no chemistry with your husband and avoid having sex with him? We are still fairly newly married with no kids...but we have not had sex in almost 3 months. Actually, I can probably count on two hands the number of times we have had sex in the past 10 months.

I feel like I just watched this evolve over the past 4-5 years, knowing full and well what I was doing, but I was incapable of stopping it for some reason. My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years, but we dated for 3 years before we got married and have known each other for 18 years (went to hs together). I had just turned 30 when we started dating and had been through some painful relationships leading up to that. I think I knew that he was a really good guy and he is funny and attractive and has a good job and would never cheat on me...but I have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. I don't know that I ever did even when we were dating. He was the nice, safe guy that I knew wouldn't hurt me.

So I married him and now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life...and his. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life in a marriage that has no passion or chemistry. We have been talking about trying to have kids, but I don't want to get pregnant and complicate things even further if I'm not even sure about the marriage. The problem is that I love him very very much...as a friend. I don't know if I could bear hurting him in such a way by leaving him, but do we not both deserve a chance at true love?

I need some advice...your thoughts...experiences...anything?

Thanks!

Have you ever though to cure the "lack of sex", by simply having sex?

People in relationships don't do all the single things to catch your attention, and work you into having sex, we have sex, sometimes it's not at our favorite moment, but we do it because we want our significant other to have it.

 

[Angelou]

Have both of you tried? Or did you just accept it and wallow in your "sexless" marriage? Sometimes you have to fight for what you got first before quitting. You are already in this marriage. If the talks, having sex, trying new things, MC..doesn't work, thennn it's time to consider parting ways in order for both of you to be happy.