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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey guys

I am working through all sorts of stuff in my marriage and life. My wife of 18 years dropped a bomb on us 6 months ago with a month long cyber affair, and drinking/flirting behavior. My "sweet" wife turned to some addictions and turned our lives upside down.

Since then, we're all out in the open. With counseling we both discovered codependence making a mess of our lives and we've been working to clean it up. Both of us have lost weight, re-invigorated our interesting selves, cleaned up our addictions and sloppiness, etc. I was also abusing internet pornography as a way to medicate myself with my wife's diminished interest in me - I have stopped. This is good stuff - it saved our marriage.

One thing we're working on is sexuality. We were typically making love 2X per cycle. Very little variety, somewhat boring, but usually "successful" where we both had "release" and were satisfied. Since fixing things up, I have become incredibly attracted to my wife and through running, diet, and mental health (quitting drinking) I have awakened my libido. We have made love more times per cycle, last month I can't even count them, maybe 4,5,6? Something like that. Some good, some not, but a real marked increase in our intimacy.

One challenge I have now is that her cycle is brutal. For about 5-7 days before it starts, she's PMSey and is not really interested. She menstruates for about 5-7 days and is not interested in sex of any sort, even overall intimacy is down (hugging/kissing, etc). She never, ever offers any sort of relief for me, and seems put upon if I ever ask. My solution before was masturbation in the shower (so-so) or to porn when I was alone (bad). I no longer watch porn, and try not to masturbate, except when I cannot take it anymore (maybe 1x a week during no sex times).

The long and short of it is that there are stretches of 2-3 weeks where I am a mess. She limits hugs/kissing because she does not want sex. If she were to offer me oral or a hand release I would be so appreciative ( I would even try vaginal sex during her period too). I have asked and was shot down angrily. There is some sexual trauma there that she is working through, but it still leaves me incredibly unfulfilled for several weeks a month. I would love to smooth these peaks and valleys out!

I am an incredibly giving lover, I would do this for her every day if I was unable to perform for her. I admit that some resentment grows during these weeks each month. So, how do you guys handle this?
 

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I have asked and was shot down angrily.
Dude she cheated on you.

Which means she did not or does not respect you.

You can't let her shoot you down angrily or otherwise.

It's one thing for her to not be up for sex and another for her to disrespect you like that.

You have to stand up to her and demand respect otherwise she will just cheat again.

Also trying to depend on her exclusively for release is another bad idea imo. Just makes you weaker and gives her more cards to use against you.

Why should you be limited to one orgasm per week in the shower just because she no longer finds you attractive and had an affair. You know that your sexual performance would be better if you had more orgasms right? At least 3 per week.

She had an affair and you had to give up porn because of it?

You sound like a total doormat.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Thanks for the reply East2West - hard advice, but perhaps I didn’t give out enough detail to make enough sense of it. I appreciate you reading along. This isn't your simple "she cheated" thing - she had 3-4 addictions stacked up as part of her traumas. This cyber affair was one of them. Drinking a bottle of wine a night was another. She's being treated for both.

The Cyber affair was an emotional affair, no sex not even an in-person visit, it was born, lived and died on facebook - I discovered it. I consider it cheating and I have some pain over it still.

Now I CHOSE to give up porn. I'm in my mid 40's and it was a shameful thing, and it was a way of me disassociating her from my sex life. If I could get racy porn every day, why even try with a real person? This is working.

I know it sounds like me being a doormat, there was a TOTAL confrontation, including me moving out and MANY hours in front of a MC. It was some serious sh*t. What you are reading is how we are trying to reconcile after this. This isn't a 1 year relationship, we have been married 20 years and have two sons - a lot at stake.

I'm working through "progress not perfection" and we're making it. She has had a tough time with sex (victim of rape in her early years) throughout her life and she is getting trauma counseling over it. This is why I don’t push too hard about her period times.
 

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Thanks for the reply East2West - hard advice, but perhaps I didn’t give out enough detail to make enough sense of it. I appreciate you reading along. This isn't your simple "she cheated" thing - she had 3-4 addictions stacked up as part of her traumas. This cyber affair was one of them. Drinking a bottle of wine a night was another. She's being treated for both.

The Cyber affair was an emotional affair, no sex not even an in-person visit, it was born, lived and died on facebook - I discovered it. I consider it cheating and I have some pain over it still.

Now I CHOSE to give up porn. I'm in my mid 40's and it was a shameful thing, and it was a way of me disassociating her from my sex life. If I could get racy porn every day, why even try with a real person? This is working.

I know it sounds like me being a doormat, there was a TOTAL confrontation, including me moving out and MANY hours in front of a MC. It was some serious sh*t. What you are reading is how we are trying to reconcile after this.

I'm working through "progress not perfection" and we're making it. She has had a tough time with sex (victim of rape in her early years) throughout her life and she is getting trauma counseling over it. This is why I don’t push too hard about her period times.
Yes, it is.

Go read the Coping With Infidelity section of this message board. Plenty of men and women over there who have had to deal with an affair while also dealing with a spouse who has some other issues, often involved childhood sexual abuse or something else very tramatic.

While those things are bad and hard to deal with, you can't let her off the hook by saying it's ok she had an affair since she also had these other issues 'stacked up' against her. There are millions of people with problems stacked up against them, they don't all deal with them in destructive ways.

Call her on her ****. It is ok if she's not up for sex for 2-3 weeks at a time. It's not working for you though, so she should be willing to discuss a compromise. Not be forced to do something, just talk about it. For her to get mad because you are asking for a BJ or whatever is wrong. She doesn't have to give you one if she doesn't want, but for her to get mad about asking for one is wrong as well.

Try reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life. Lot's of guys here have had success with these books. I'm not calling you a wuss or anything, but it does sound like you need to man up a bit here. It also sounds like you have done so a bit already, so keep at it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks Kingsfan. I went through a huge recovery process. I am working very hard with a therapist that specializes in these addictions and he provided me a great deal of counseling to get me through to being there for myself and my kids.

This 2-3 week off behavior is really nothing new from her, this is just the way it's been done for 20 years, which is why I am not jumping to change EVERYthing all at once. We have made some serious progress, and I am very vigilant with her. We discuss what happened and continue to keep it alive, I assure you I have not forgotten how I felt that night. I may seem calm and like I need to man up but this is a settling down after a VERY hard and painful reaction.

I am reading married man's now btw, enjoying it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yes, it is.

While those things are bad and hard to deal with, you can't let her off the hook by saying it's ok she had an affair since she also had these other issues 'stacked up' against her. There are millions of people with problems stacked up against them, they don't all deal with them in destructive ways.
Thanks again - just noticed this. I assure everyone I didn’t let her off the hook. It was brutal. However, here we are 6 months later, and we had to do something to move forward. I have not forgiven her formally - I am still working through it.

As for me, I am working on being the best man I can be for myself - if she and other women notice that's fine too ;) I've lost another 30 lbs, run/work out. I dress and eat 100% better. I see friends, engage my hobbies, I am in a men's support group and CODA group. I've never looked better or felt better. I could open the door now and run 10 miles, vs. maybe 1 a year ago. So, I am working on changing me as well as what I want from her.
 

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You need some help in the infidelity forums.

For now try weight training instead of running. Then start working on your wifes respect for you issues.
 

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The long and short of it is that there are stretches of 2-3 weeks where I am a mess.
Something is very wrong if your wife's cycle, no matter how rough, is robbing you of half to three quarters of a months worth of sex.

:confused:

She either needs to go to a specialist and have a battery of tests done to pinpoint the problem, or she's lying to you and using her period as an excuse to avoid having sex with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Something is very wrong if your wife's cycle, no matter how rough, is robbing you of half to three quarters of a months worth of sex.

:confused:

She either needs to go to a specialist and have a battery of tests done to pinpoint the problem, or she's lying to you and using her period as an excuse to avoid having sex with you.
There you go :) Remember we're no spring chickens, I'm 44 and she's 42. Our bodies don’t work as they used to. She's still "spotting" right up until she lets me back in. I think this grosses her our, but I *don't* care and have told her that. I think she wants to see days clear. I think she also waits for her ovulation push to find it compelling.
 

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There you go :) Remember we're no spring chickens, I'm 44 and she's 42. Our bodies don’t work as they used to. She's still "spotting" right up until she lets me back in. I think this grosses her our, but I *don't* care and have told her that. I think she wants to see days clear. I think she also waits for her ovulation push to find it compelling.
First off, you're hardly old.

Secondly you said just a few posts back:

"This 2-3 week off behavior is really nothing new from her, this is just the way it's been done for 20 years..."

So I'm confused as to why you're blaming her highly unusual period problems on her being 42 when, according to you, she's been this way since she was 22.

Her "spotting" still doesn't explain why she's antagonistic against sex for 2-3 weeks out of the month, and won't engage in non-vaginal sex with you.

Something doesn't fit. She's either got a physical problem, or she's over using her period to avoid sex with you at least half of the month, at minimum, and has been doing so since Bill Clinton first took office.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Lol, well, some good date math there Jaquen, thanks for the reality check.

I have the unfortunate habit of choosing birds with broken wings as my mate, I am addressing this now. The truth is that she was very damaged. There's a lot of trauma there, and I must admit, I try to make excuses to protect her. That’s my problem and my MO.

I'll say that you are probably spot on here, thanks fro the clarity.

Something doesn't fit. She's either got a physical problem, or she's over using her period to avoid sex with you at least half of the month, at minimum, and has been doing so since Bill Clinton first took office.
I say give the man (or woman) a cigar. She is a love avoidant type, classically. I tend more toward the love addict, a bit over romantic and obsessive. I'll bet she uses this as a control point with which to avoid intimacy, or hell, even sex with me. I think she rounds it to her favor, just as I may have rounded it to my favor. You are dead on about the non vaginal sex, that is a no go, unless we are being sexual to begin with. I'll be meeting with my therapist tomorrow, this is some good food for thought. Thank you!:iagree:
 

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I am 48 and would NEVER deprive my husband of my body for 3 weeks out of every 4. And if he deprived me of his he'd be liable to find me having my way with him in his sleep.
 

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:iagree:

42 is hardly over the hill. I'm 44, have been seriously abused previously, have never had "regular" periods, but still have always actively engaged in sex with my husband.
Sex during period time can have benefits...orgasms help with cramps etc.
I personally don't find sex during my period disgusting or gross, and if there is a time occasionally when I just don't feel up to it, there are always other ways to give my husband pleasure. And myself.
Two or three weeks with no sex would just about kill my husband, period or no period.:eek:
He gets antsy if it's been longer than half a day :D

Having her period shouldn't stop your wife WANTING to engage with you. Even just for cuddles etc. You don't have to have an urge to have sex, to want love, affection, closeness.
I would be asking myself the question, does she actually want to have sex and can't, or is it an excuse to avoid being with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I am 48 and would NEVER deprive my husband of my body for 3 weeks out of every 4. And if he deprived me of his he'd be liable to find me having my way with him in his sleep.
I would trade a lot for that kind of comfort - this attitude is on my list if I'm ever back on the market. Good on you and good for him!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
:iagree:
Having her period shouldn't stop your wife WANTING to engage with you. Even just for cuddles etc. You don't have to have an urge to have sex, to want love, affection, closeness.
I would be asking myself the question, does she actually want to have sex and can't, or is it an excuse to avoid being with you.
The work we're doing as a couple has it steadily improving. It's really much better. I guess I wonder if I am chasing the last 20% here. last month we made love rapid fire, maybe 6 nights. It was good for many of those. I know my wife's abuse history comes into play, but there needs to be a time when I don’t want to have such an impediment.

The other thing people may be overlooking is just libido. I have always had a very high libido. Her's was always low, to the point that I brought her her first orgasm when we got together in our mid 20s. There is also the possibility that she's just not that into it (or into me). I am not afraid to say it, but I just wish I could get a true answer so I can plan the rest of my life.
 

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I guess I wonder if I am chasing the last 20% here.
Expecting sex more than 1-2 weeks out of any given month is not "chasing the last 20% here".

"Chasing the last 20%" would be you having a great sexual life, and a great wife, but leaving her because she won't do anal sex with you. Or stepping out on your marriage because some other woman has bigger knockers, shapelier legs, or bakes a better pecan pie.

You're making too many excuses for her, and justifying serious problems in your marriage. Regardless of what your wive's background is, in case you haven't noticed:

Her attitude about sex SUCKS.
Her attitude about your libido SUCKS.
Her attitude about intimacy SUCKS.
Her attitude about fidelity SUCKS.

The other thing people may be overlooking is just libido. I have always had a very high libido. Her's was always low, to the point that I brought her her first orgasm when we got together in our mid 20s. There is also the possibility that she's just not that into it (or into me). I am not afraid to say it, but I just wish I could get a true answer so I can plan the rest of my life.
Your wife's libido sure was reveled up enough to have a six month affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Jaquen, I appreciate your comments. I agree.

It was a 1 month cyber or emotional affair, 6 months ago, just to clarify. Her libido had nothing to do with it, it was total facebook fantasy, a guy friend that lured her into some chats. Don’t get me wrong, that should have been me, I am very upset over it.

We're working with a trauma therapist - this is more serious than I can get into here I guess. She popped off 3-4 addictions during a stressful time and made a big mess with all of them. This cyber affair was one of them.
 
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