Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
As the title says I've been married for 7 months and since the first week we have had all sorts of problems. Most of it is in communicating and trying to solve problems in order to make our relationship a better one. We have lots of problems in our relationship and I know I have my quirks and I've tried to work on them and am still continuing to work on them. Like I have a problem nagging after I've said something because I want a validity that she cares about my feelings in the situation and has heard me. I get angry after a while of trying to communicate with my wife and am feeling like I'm talking to a dead wall. I am working on these problems and I feel I have made good progress. What comes into play here though, is that most times when I try to talk to my wife about a problem that we have, There is no drive in her to help solve our problems. I don't know why it is but everything else seems to be more important to her than our marriage. Everytime I try to have a conversation she is always on her phone or computer. Or doing something distracting. I've had conversations with her to tell her how much that bothers me but to no avail she still does it. Everytime we talk she is always watching the time and wants to rush our conversations. My PoV is that if there are problems in a marriage and if that marriage and person are of utmost importance to you then you should be willing to take as much time as necessary to help talk things out and come to conclusions. She always wants to get everything done in 10 minutes in which it never gets anywhere. She always wants me to do all the talking and when I am done talking she never has anything to say afterwards. I wait for a response and she always has said what am I supposed ot say to that. This has gone on for a while. I try to give her space, I try to do everything that she wants me to do or asks me to do. I go out of my way for this girl all of the time but I hardly ever get the same devotion. Everything else seems more important to her. She says she cares about this marriage and she want us to stay together but she doesn't seem willing ot do the work necessary. I have pointed this out to her and when I do she says she knows. She has admitted several times that she doesn't try hard enough and I ask her when is it going to change? She always says I don't know.

After going through this and not feeling important to her at all for a few months I had her live at her parents for a week. which was probably a mistake on my part because I got too fed up with her not seeming to care. This led her to having an emotional affair with a guy in just ONE week. She had already set up a date with him and told him she thought she was getting a divorce. In justo ne week.... We worked through that, kind of. I haven't been able to trust her the same since. Oh and another thing. I f i continue to try to talk about something or if she doesn't respond and I repeat myself after waiting a few minutes for her to respond, all this while she is on her phone or computer. I get a smart alic response almost everytime. Or I'll get a very insincere apology and then after that she will continue and if I point it out she will be rude. Last night I told her to stop that. I never talk to her in that way and in no way is it okay for her to do so either. I don't know what to do. Should I just leave her? Is she ever going to come around. I will say this she has tried for a few days at a time. But after a while its like a button resets her and she just stops. When she does try i acknowledge that I notice and appreciate it very much. But everytime, it never seems to fail, she will quit trying. I dont know what else to do. She was like this kind of when we were dating but I overlooked it because it didn't seem to be as serious then. Please help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
Oh last month I also moved out for a month because I was getting sick and tired of it. I had the idea that we would "start over" and work from there. It was good feeling like we were dating again and things have become a "little smoother." I moved back in on her promise that she would try a lot harder and show that she cares a lot more. I've been in for a couple of weeks now and I already start to feel it. I reminded her of her promise and if I was to leave again it would be the final time. She tried harder again for a few days. Again i acknowledged it and told her i appreciated it. And to let you know while doing all of this and demanding these things from her. I am always listening to her problems and demands, doing what she asks. I give her 30-40 minute back massages and light "scratches" or touch frequently. I just feel super under appreciated and like a doormat. Should I leave?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
I don't think you were gone long enough the first time to make a difference. Now you look like more of a pushover than you ever did.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
I don't know how that should matter in the first place though? Don't people marry each other because they want to make each other happy? I'm not trying to make this the sole thing to make me happy but I still want to feel cared about. And it doesn't matter anymore. You don't say 1 month isn't long enough? I feel I shouldn't have to deal with this in the first place. I shouldn't have to be the pushover because she loves me enough not to push me over... I haven't done anything that would make her be this way towards me. She has even told her brother that I am the perfect husband, just not for her.... I don't know how to make this better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
I don't know how that should matter in the first place though? Don't people marry each other because they want to make each other happy? I'm not trying to make this the sole thing to make me happy but I still want to feel cared about. And it doesn't matter anymore. You don't say 1 month isn't long enough? I feel I shouldn't have to deal with this in the first place. I shouldn't have to be the pushover because she loves me enough not to push me over... I haven't done anything that would make her be this way towards me. She has even told her brother that I am the perfect husband, just not for her.... I don't know how to make this better.
She doesn't love you, or respect you. She's said out loud you aren't for her... yet here you fight and kick the inevitable. You can't force compatibility... either you are or you aren't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I guess then I don't understand why she says she wants to work this out or still be together. I ask her if this is what she wants. I just don't know as to why she isn't willing to do the work if this is what she wants. Do you think she is being truthful?:( I tell her she that she tells me this and ask her why she isn't motivated to work on it then. I always get I don't know.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,293 Posts
I would say do the 180 on her but if she got involve in an EA after just one week the 180 might backfire. Is there some significant financial benefit she has for staying with you? Because honest it seem like she doesn't care about you at all.

You are so right that you shouldn't be going through this. You still in the typical honeymoon time frame. But unfortunately whatever is a problem before marriage will get significant worse not better after marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Her dad is a doctor and makes 450000 a year. She gets everything she wants and doesn't depend on me at all. It makes no sense to me. Maybe she is sociopathic? But that doesnt make sense because she has such a soft heart for animals and other people. I really don't get it at all. Maybe she is just sooo super lazy? idk idk idk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
359 Posts
Have you seen the movie "500 Days of Summer"?

That's what your post reminded me of.

Sometimes, no matter how much we love one another, we just aren't "right" for one another. You may not be her perfect fit. But that doesn't mean she's broken, or you're broken.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,293 Posts
Her dad is a doctor and makes 450000 a year. She gets everything she wants and doesn't depend on me at all. It makes no sense to me. Maybe she is sociopathic? But that doesnt make sense because she has such a soft heart for animals and other people. I really don't get it at all. Maybe she is just sooo super lazy? idk idk idk
Makes me wonder what kind of relationship you had before marriage, what you saw in her and what she saw in you. Is that gone after only 7 month? Seems bizarre
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,406 Posts
Your post reminds me of an old song titled "You Talk Too Much". Not trying to be funny or disrespectful of your feelings, but some people just are not cut out to listen to someone complain every night.

How about establishing a certain time each week where each can air their complaints or requests. That way, no one is blindsided and both will feel safe to just be the other days. Or, get a marriage counselor and air your grievances where you can get professional feedback which your wife might embrace. Complaining, nagging, throwing her out and moving yourself out - my gosh, I'm exhausted just reading your posts - think of how exhausted your wife is with all of this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
Seems like she takes you for granted... And that's giving her the impression that no matter what you will come back to her. She knows you will.

Try talking. But tell her you feel that you are more concerned in the relationship. Like if she walked out the door you would so everything to make it work so she Didnt leave. But you feel that this wouldn't be reciprocated. And that isn't enough for you. You want and deserve to have her fight as hard for you as you would for her.

Or Try taking her out on some dates. Different than your norm. Hiking , a nice dinner , or even a weekend somewhere not too far but away from home.
Try something romantic to show her how much she means to you. Just like you like to be appreciated. Even with the back rubs and all. She would still like to feel special. Send her random flowers if she likes that gesture. Or surprise her to her fav restaurant. Maybe it'll give her the inventive to try harder without having to argue about it or seem like your nagging

You might want to try showing her you care before talking. If you hve tried that then show it first before trying to talk to her about it.
Surprise her with something. Be affectionate be see if she does it back. If she does, she is appreciating it and sending the love bac k right ? If not then let her know how you feel.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
As the title says I've been married for 7 months and since the first week we have had all sorts of problems. Most of it is in communicating and trying to solve problems in order to make our relationship a better one. We have lots of problems in our relationship and I know I have my quirks and I've tried to work on them and am still continuing to work on them. Like I have a problem nagging after I've said something because I want a validity that she cares about my feelings in the situation and has heard me. I get angry after a while of trying to communicate with my wife and am feeling like I'm talking to a dead wall. I am working on these problems and I feel I have made good progress. What comes into play here though, is that most times when I try to talk to my wife about a problem that we have, There is no drive in her to help solve our problems. I don't know why it is but everything else seems to be more important to her than our marriage. Everytime I try to have a conversation she is always on her phone or computer. Or doing something distracting. I've had conversations with her to tell her how much that bothers me but to no avail she still does it. Everytime we talk she is always watching the time and wants to rush our conversations. My PoV is that if there are problems in a marriage and if that marriage and person are of utmost importance to you then you should be willing to take as much time as necessary to help talk things out and come to conclusions. She always wants to get everything done in 10 minutes in which it never gets anywhere. She always wants me to do all the talking and when I am done talking she never has anything to say afterwards. I wait for a response and she always has said what am I supposed ot say to that. This has gone on for a while. I try to give her space, I try to do everything that she wants me to do or asks me to do. I go out of my way for this girl all of the time but I hardly ever get the same devotion. Everything else seems more important to her. She says she cares about this marriage and she want us to stay together but she doesn't seem willing ot do the work necessary. I have pointed this out to her and when I do she says she knows. She has admitted several times that she doesn't try hard enough and I ask her when is it going to change? She always says I don't know.

After going through this and not feeling important to her at all for a few months I had her live at her parents for a week. which was probably a mistake on my part because I got too fed up with her not seeming to care. This led her to having an emotional affair with a guy in just ONE week. She had already set up a date with him and told him she thought she was getting a divorce. In justo ne week.... We worked through that, kind of. I haven't been able to trust her the same since. Oh and another thing. I f i continue to try to talk about something or if she doesn't respond and I repeat myself after waiting a few minutes for her to respond, all this while she is on her phone or computer. I get a smart alic response almost everytime. Or I'll get a very insincere apology and then after that she will continue and if I point it out she will be rude. Last night I told her to stop that. I never talk to her in that way and in no way is it okay for her to do so either. I don't know what to do. Should I just leave her? Is she ever going to come around. I will say this she has tried for a few days at a time. But after a while its like a button resets her and she just stops. When she does try i acknowledge that I notice and appreciate it very much. But everytime, it never seems to fail, she will quit trying. I dont know what else to do. She was like this kind of when we were dating but I overlooked it because it didn't seem to be as serious then. Please help.
As you point out, she was like this when you were dating.

I guess you had "hoped" she would change when you got married.

I'm so sorry but I don't think she really loves or cares about you very much. She is "relationship-lazy" when it comes to you.

You could try marriage counseling as a last ditch effort to save your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
143 Posts
The way I look at your situation is this:
-she has checked out of your marriage and can not be bothered to do anything
-she knows that whatever she does, you will always be there for her, with no consequences
-she did not have an emotional affair in one week while at her parents house; the fact that she was always on the phone and PC could mean she was in the affair a long time before that
-since 'daddy' is rich, she is not financially dependent on you,
-she says she wants this marriage, but her actions do not match-she is probably looking around and needs the comfort of this marriage until she finds what she is looking for.

You can not force her to love you or care for you. If she wants to be with you, suggest marriage counselling, otherwise move on.

PS-Check her phone and computer, are you sure she is not in the emotional affair still?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
I think she's got some form of mental disorder. That's judging from your posts. You mentioned that she thinks that you are a good husband. At least you claim she told her brother that. You also claim that she does not know or tell you why she behaves in the manner that she does sometimes. That's sounds like some sort of mental illness to me.
Your attitude has since become that of a frustrated person. And she sounds like a selfish, got nothing to offer kind of spouse. I doubt that things will get any better. This woman will drive you nuts.
Try MC and if you see no changes, bolt!
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
44,679 Posts
Her dad is a doctor and makes 450000 a year. She gets everything she wants and doesn't depend on me at all. It makes no sense to me. Maybe she is sociopathic? But that doesnt make sense because she has such a soft heart for animals and other people. I really don't get it at all. Maybe she is just sooo super lazy? idk idk idk
Don't start the labeling/name calling: sociopath, lazy, etc. These words do not help in any way.

How old are the two of you?

If she is being financially supported by her dad, then she does not need you. It's not that you have to support her 100%. The two of you should be supporting each other. You two are no a team. You cannot really be a team because to be a team you need to depend on each other for most things.

Let's start with this... how many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy?

Do you have a job and work full time? Does she?
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top