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Hi everyone. I am a new poster here. Please bare with me as my story likely has a lot of details but I would really appreciate your advise on this. Just to give you a little background on myself, I was originally born in Asia (can't say where) but left when I was a baby and have been living in North America since then. I practically grew up in North America, went to school and have 2 university degrees one of which is a professional degree in the medical field. I work in multiple hospitals and am very blessed to have a good and rewarding career. I pretty much spent my whole 20s focusing on my studies and work. By the time I was settled in my career, I was already in my early 30s. In my culture, women in their early 30s are pretty much done for when it comes to marriage as all the good "male bachelors" are taken by then and the ones remaining would rather marry women in their 20s. My fate was to either marry someone 10-20 years older than me or live alone for the rest of my life. As you can imagine, I was getting a lot of pressure from family and friends about marriage. Even I myself felt pressured seeing my colleagues at work getting married and starting happy families.

My husband and I met each other in late Aug 2020. A month later, we were engaged.. yes that fast! The reason for this is that in my culture, most men and women don't really date - even though the younger generation definitely does nowadays. However, because I grew up in NA, my family allowed us to have time to meet up, chat and get to know each other to ensure that we were compatible. Truth be told, my family was willing to wait more for my decision but the guy was rushing everything and would contact my parents every other day asking as to why we are delaying moving to the next step. The guy was born and raised in the same Asian country that I was born in - FYI its a war-torn country. He had only been in NA for 2 years. He used to say that couples got married within 1 WEEK of meeting each other over there! In either case, the guy appeared well-mannered, polite, very nice and gentle. He was very respectful to my parents - which was a huge plus! He cooks well and endeared me with his willingness to help with housework. He didn't have the type of education that I had but did complete a university degree in science. He was in his mid 30s and was currently working as a general laborer in a factory which kinda threw me off as I thought by 2 years he should have found something a little more stable here but family and friends told me I was being too much and it takes time for newcomers to find good jobs.

During our early conversations, I told him on multiple occasions what my dreams and hopes for my future husband. I told him that I would like him to do the following:
1) develop his english skills and be open to learn more about the country he lives on at this time
2) take courses to improve his chances of finding a good job in his field - a family friend actually found him an entry-level job in a company within his field which was amazing
3) be ambitious and always motivated to improve our livelihood so that we in few years we can have a house of our own, enroll our kids in strong private schools and live a comfortable life where we can travel and enjoy the world
4) have a strong sense of responsibility and be a man that I can rely on

The guy would readily agree to everything I said and was extremely happy about it all. However, I did notice that he was very quiet in most of our conversations. In fact, I was pretty much initiating everything and he would just listen. I am a very sociable and outgoing person who thrives on having interesting conversations with others. When I voiced my concern that we might not have similar interests to family and friends, they would just tell me that he is shy.

Anyways, long story short, we got engaged and a week after the engagement, he tells me that he hates the new job and the field he is in. He would much rather be a taxi driver/food delivery personal than stay in it. My parents had to get involved and practically threatened him that if he doesn't find a more stable job then the marriage will be delayed. That freaked him out and he promised he would continue in it. That settled it but a new thorn of distrust implanted itself in me that I tried to ignore till our marriage.

We got married a month after lol - don't know whether to laugh or cry at my stupidity - and I realized he had no intention of doing the things I asked him to do but he expected me to be the perfect wife who spoils him with love and affection at every step. Not only that, but I realized that he was clueless about pretty much everything going on the world or how we should behave in our life. I don't even know where to begin but I pretty much have listed my issues with him below:

1) He has no interest or motivation in improving or developing his skills, language or just general knowledge of this country and society he lives in. Friends and family said its ok if he depends on me to teach him everything. Now this is fine if he actually understood what I tell him. The problem is that I soon realized he has some sort of problem focusing on what people tell him, remembering it and actually comprehending it!! I tell him the same thing 10 times and he will still forget it. He has zero curiosity about the world he lives in. He feels that general knowledge about the world is nice but not important to him. His English language is weak and I often find him struggling to speak or find the right words when talking to receptionists and other people to the point where his voice would crack and fail. I have been begging him to at least spend 30 minutes everyday reading a newspaper or watching an english program on youtube or TV and often will nod along but not do it. Eng courses are out of the questions too. He now finally agrees to watch news on tv when having dinner but i can tell hes not focused with it so its more like noise going into his ears than anything. His only interests are related to religion and cars - nothing else is interesting to him.

2) He doesn't understand the point of working hard - often complains about his supervisor's expectations at work. He even goes as far as to say "I see you come home from the hospital and you are exhausted. What is the point of working this hard?". It drives me crazy having to explain to him again for the millionth time that the rewards of working hard are not immediate but rather long-term. That we need to work hard so that we can save up money to reach our long-term goals that he himself agreed to but apparently forgot about them all after marriage. I try to explain to him that I have to work hard because of my responsibility to my patients but he doesn't seem to even buy into it. He lacks the dedication to his own work and has gotten in trouble at work on multiple occasions because of this.

3) Lacks common sense and the ability to critically analyze and comprehend things. I heard many men lack common sense but I have had a lot of guy friends since I was a kid and I have never met someone with this level of common sense. This guy would put opened bags of chips in the fridge because he didn't know where else to put them. I had explained to him what an open-buffet or all-you-can-eat buffet is on multiple occasions but then he would ask a restaurant waiter on the phone whether they can bring "open-buffet" food to our hotel room - he wanted the whole buffet in our room while knowing that the buffet is half an hour drive from our hotel! He would call a clinic to book an appointment and forget to ask if the doctor speaks his language even though he had just told he wants to see a doctor that speaks his language. I often ask him about his opinions on things happening around the world and he would either have no opinion or a very shallow/uninterested that shows zero thinking one. The worst was recently when we woke up in the morning and saw the streets, driveway, walkway and stairs to our house covered with 15 cm of snow. I am pregnant right now and he had seen me before almost slip on the ice near our house door and we had agreed before that he would take care of shoveling snow for now. He left the house 30 minutes before I did and tbh i didn't realize till I was leaving half an hour later the amount of snow covering everything including my car. I almost slipped again on the stairs and almost broke down crying while watching our neighbors - men in their 40s and 50s if not older - shoveling snow on their driveway before going to work despite the freezing cold so their wives and children don't slip. I ended up getting to work late because my car was stuck in the snow of the driveway. When I asked him how come he didn't do what the other men did, he would say that he never saw them and didn't realize how bad it was! I can't tell you every single example but every single day there is an issue with him misunderstanding, forgetting or not being able to comprehend what I say to the point where we had a huge fight over this.

4) He is unbelievably sensitive and emotional to the point where its exhausting. He would literally burst into tears if my tone is a little hard. And its not just with me! He complains about how mean and evil his supervisors are at work all the time. It seems that he often makes mistakes at work because of lack of attention and forgetfulness - this he admitted to once - but whenever his supervisors reprimand him, he would come home very upset and ready to cry because he can't stand it when someone speaks to him harshly. He even started saying that in few years he wants to leave this country and go to live in another country neighboring his own because the people here are too cruel and mean. I try to be understanding but I cant help but feel frustrated with him when I remember the hellish teachers I had in the past and supervisors I work with on daily basis and never really complain about because they are absolutely right to reprimand you if you mess up your work or show lack of insight and dedication. One time we had a fight because I was too tired to make out with him and he started walking around the bedroom back and forth like an angry child crying then hitting the wall with his hand. I was ready to leave the house to go to my parents' home and I suddenly hear him wailing - YES WAILING - while sitting down on the ground with his back to the house's front door. It literally freaked me out and made me apologize to him profusely even though i don't feel it was wrong of me to say I am tired when I am pregnant and exhausted. My family and I love joking with each other and making sarcastic comments and he knew this from before our marriage. Yet, after the marriage he says he doesn't like our attitude and the way we talk to each other because it scares him and he feels that its too cruel. He literally wants me to change even the way I talk to satisfy him.

5) He has a "avoidant" type of personality that fears everything and anything that can create problems. We once went to a restaurant and he wanted to place the order so I told him what to say to the waitress. When it was our turn, he forgot/ignored what I said and said his own sequence of it which was wrong. The waitress of course misunderstood him and charged him for the price of 1 meal instead of 2. He knew that it was a mistake so I asked him go tell her its wrong but he just said "oh no need..its ok...im not hungry anyways"! All this because he wanted to run away from the problem. At one point in his work he requested that his position is degraded to a lower one because he was too afraid of the responsibility associated with the higher position - he admitted this to me! Fortunately he corrected this issue few weeks later after he experienced mistreatment and realized that the lower your position is the worse things are. But his problem with trying to run away from facing his problems continues.

6) we have no mutual or common interests - like seriously nothing lol...i don't know whether to laugh or cry. As mentioned before, he doesn't know much about the world and has near zero interest in it. He only watches very few old movies because he can't stand any form of violence... even marvel movies are too violent for him. There is literally zero things to talk to him about or do together. I enjoy spending time on my laptop watching youtube vids more than doing anything with him. He himself didn't care much about it before because all he cared about in marriage is sex but now i think he is starting to realize that marriage can't exist on sex alone.. problem is; there is nothing for us to do together that we both enjoy. Even going shopping with him is frustrating because of his lack of insight over what to buy and his thoughtless comments. Seeing him struggle to communicate and understand workers and staff that look 10 years younger than him drives me crazy because even though he knows its bad, he still refuses to improve on his situation.

7) He is obsessed with sex and making out! During our honeymoon week, he would often wake me up every 2 hours to have sex. After the honeymoon, he would always want it in the morning but I usually have no desire when I am woken up so early. I still played along and did as he wanted. The problem however is that sex has been very uncomfortable and even painful for me. Truth be told, he does try to be gentle but maybe its the fact that I was virgin before marriage or something else but it is painful and difficult. At one point, I needed to do a transvaginal ultrasound for my pregnancy and even inserting that was painful. Even then, i tried to go along and take it all in but as time went by and all the other issues popped up, I started to hate his touch. I often find his hand on mine repulsive and this has really made things 10x worse. He is now even more upset but I really can't tolerate his presence in the same room without feeling angry and annoyed because every little talk or communication between us ends up in misunderstanding or him not doing things right. I had some vaginal bleeding at the beginning of my pregnancy so he had to stay away which was a huge mercy but now it has improved and he told my mother that its his right and he has needs that I have to meet even though i explained to him that this period of my pregnancy is sensitive to me and I am still considered high risk.

The more time I spend with him, the more I am angry and upset. Maybe I am being irrational but i can't help but feel like I was tricked into this whole mess. I keep thinking to myself that I was always honest with him so why couldn't he be as honest with me. Why couldn't he be honest with me about his interests, personality and feelings. why didn't he disagree when I asked him if he could be the man I wanted. I always dreamt of a man who can look after me..who would be my friend and support. Someone who is wise, mature and understanding... sure he might lack some common sense here and there but it shouldn't mean that he lacks maturity. Someone who has the strength to help me achieve my goals with me helping him achieve his. Yet, I often look at my husband and feel like I am looking at a child who has no decent understanding of the world because he refuses to get out of his bubble and who needs constant hand-holding. It has gotten to the point where I feel zero sense of respect and affection towards him. Even things that made him endearing to me in the past like his politeness and willingness to help around the kitchen is starting to unnerve me. These are all things that I can do and they are bonus but this is the not what I want from him. Sometimes I feel he would rather be the housewife than the reliable husband. It makes it worse when he swears that he loves me and that I am the most important person in his life and yet goes and does things that hurt me and disregards my wishes. Over the past month, our daily lives are pretty much the two of us living in silence and trying to avoid talking with each other to minimize any arguments so that it doesn't affect the pregnancy. Its much better this way for me but i know its not right and he hates it. The problem is, I have no interest to talk to him about anything. In fact, i don't want to hear him say anything because everytime he talks, my respect for him drops further.

I have made a deal with my parents to try to let this go on till end of this year and at least after I have delivered my baby but i honestly feel suffocated living with him and I worry that this stress is hurting my baby. I often spend more time at work just to stay away from the house. My mother keeps telling me that other married women have it worse so I should be glad that hes not cheating or drinking or being abusive but if you are not happy with your significant other then whats the point! Am I right to think this or should I just tolerate it all?? but how can I force myself to like someone I feel wasn't honest and I have no respect towards? I was never in love with him and he knew that. We married each other thinking we were suitable for one another... although he insists he fell in love with me within a week of knowing me. He didn't mind that I didn't love him because he felt it will happen sooner or later...frankly even my family and friends thought I would grow to love him eventually and would tell me I am being childish for thinking of love. Even then, whatever positive feelings I had for him at the beginning are now gone and replaced by repulsiveness.

I am sorry that this is so long but would love your advise on it.
 

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My mother keeps telling me that other married women have it worse so I should be glad that hes not cheating or drinking or being abusive but if you are not happy with your significant other then whats the point! Am I right to think this or should I just tolerate it all?? but how can I force myself to like someone I feel wasn't honest and I have no respect towards?
Your mother is wrong, and personally, I wouldn't be putting any weight into what she says. We shouldn't be judging situations based on "well, someone has it worse". Someone always has it worse.

You are unhappy in this "marriage", and rightfully so. He sounds more like a man-child than a husband, and I don't see how he could possibly be a good father either. Maybe getting into therapy could help him, but is it even worth it? You barely know this man.

No, you should not "just tolerate" this and you cannot force yourself to like someone.

he told my mother that its his right and he has needs that I have to meet even though i explained to him that this period is sensitive to me and I am still considered high risk.
This is a huge WTF. Why is he telling your mother that he has needs that need to be met? Any mother should also see that as a huge red flag, and it goes to show how much "culture" can **** up someone's thinking.

He needs to be more understanding that you had bleeding, I'm assuming you were put on pelvic rest for a bit, and now you don't feel comfortable having sex. That's part of pregnancy and it shouldn't be a big deal. He cares more about having a warm, cozy spot to put his **** than you or his child.
 

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Your mother is wrong, and personally, I wouldn't be putting any weight into what she says. We shouldn't be judging situations based on "well, someone has it worse". Someone always has it worse.

You are unhappy in this "marriage", and rightfully so. He sounds more like a man-child than a husband, and I don't see how he could possibly be a good father either. Maybe getting into therapy could help him, but is it even worth it? You barely know this man.

No, you should not "just tolerate" this and you cannot force yourself to like someone.



This is a huge WTF. Why is he telling your mother that he has needs that need to be met? Any mother should also see that as a huge red flag, and it goes to show how much "culture" can **** up someone's thinking.

He needs to be more understanding that you had bleeding, I'm assuming you were put on pelvic rest for a bit, and now you don't feel comfortable having sex. That's part of pregnancy and it shouldn't be a big deal. He cares more about having a warm, cozy spot to put his **** than you or his child.
Thank you for your reply. I have been so embarrassed by everything and feeling so humiliated that only my family and close friends who share my cultural backgrounds are aware of this.. problem is, to them, I am being unreasonable and those are not real issues. Its very frustrating to find yourself surrounded by people that don't understand you.

My mother says she is just afraid that family and friends will judge me negatively if I chose to divorce him especially a year into the marriage....that they will think that my ego couldn't stand being married to him because his education status is below mine even though I have never ever asked or even voiced a desire to marry a highly educated person. I just wanted a mature and reliable person who can make me feel safe and we can enjoyable time together. I didn't mind if he started from zero as long as he had the maturity and ambition to improve his status.

I agree with you that I don't believe he would make a good father which is why I would rather raise this child by myself. I know it will be tough but fortunately I have the financial means. I just don't want him/her to grow up surrounded by all this negativity and be affected by it.

Yes, I was on pelvic rest for nearly a month. Luckily the problem resolved but I am so afraid that he will ask for sex again that I told him I am still bleeding. I absolutely loathe lying but I really cant stand the thought of him touching me. He always goes around professing his love to me but I can't help but find it hypocritical when he insists on doing things that hurt me.

Frankly I dont know how he feels about the baby anymore. One day he is elated and bringing lunch to my parents' home to celebrate and the next day he could careless. We got into major fights and arguments over the past 2 weeks and i have previously begged him to leave me alone when he sees me angry so i can calm down for the sake of the baby but he completely disregarded that on many many occasions and would insists on carrying on the yelling and following me around the house even I tell him to stop and to remember that I am pregnant. Here is a man too timid and scared to communicate with waiters and receptionists, yet has no problem yelling at his pregnant wife.
 

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Thank you for your reply. I have been so embarrassed by everything and feeling so humiliated that only my family and close friends who share my cultural backgrounds are aware of this.. problem is, to them, I am being unreasonable and those are not real issues. Its very frustrating to find yourself surrounded by people that don't understand you.

My mother says she is just afraid that family and friends will judge me negatively if I chose to divorce him especially a year into the marriage....that they will think that my ego couldn't stand being married to him because his education status is below mine even though I have never ever asked or even voiced a desire to marry a highly educated person. I just wanted a mature and reliable person who can make me feel safe and we can enjoyable time together. I didn't mind if he started from zero as long as he had the maturity and ambition to improve his status.
I know it's easier said than done, but you shouldn't care so much about what other people will think. You know the truth about your marriage and you are the one who has to live this life. Live it for yourself, not your mother or some long lost aunt.

I agree with you that I don't believe he would make a good father which is why I would rather raise this child by myself. I know it will be tough but fortunately I have the financial means. I just don't want him/her to grow up surrounded by all this negativity and be affected by it.
Keep in mind, he is already a father. That child is just as much his. Even if you divorce he would most likely be granted 50/50 custody, if he wanted it. That's pretty standard nowadays. Either way he would be financially responsible for his child and many parents will get custody just to avoid child support.

Yes, I was on pelvic rest for nearly a month. Luckily the problem resolved but I am so afraid that he will ask for sex again that I told him I am still bleeding. I absolutely loathe lying but I really cant stand the thought of him touching me. He always goes around professing his love to me but I can't help but find it hypocritical when he insists on doing things that hurt me.
Well, if he was a better husband you wouldn't have to lie about it. My wife was on pelvic rest for months because of bleeding/a hematoma, and even when off pelvic rest if she's uncomfortable with sex then we don't do it.

He is just putting on a show to make himself look and feel better. Words are easy but actions are what really matters, and he really isn't acting in a loving way.

Frankly I dont know how he feels about the baby anymore. One day he is elated and bringing lunch to my parents' home to celebrate and the next day he could careless. We got into major fights and arguments over the past 2 weeks and i have previously begged him to leave me alone when he sees me angry so i can calm down for the sake of the baby but he completely disregarded that on many many occasions and would insists on carrying on the yelling and following me around the house even I tell him to stop and to remember that I am pregnant. Here is a man too timid and scared to communicate with waiters and receptionists, yet has no problem yelling at his pregnant wife.
Your mother says he's not abusive? Yelling at you, and following you around to continue yelling at you can definitely be abusive. He doesn't have to hit you to abuse you. Also, abuse usually escalates. You've only know this man for what, 3 months? This should still be your honeymoon period, so him already showing his anger like this should be concerning.
 

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I had to stop reading halfway down. Your list of things that are wrong with him is enormous. Do you even love this man?? He actually sounds interesting.

What on earth was wrong with his factory job and, and why can’t he learn English at his own pace?? Who cares what he does for a living - I’m not surprised he doesn’t talk and just sits there quietly, you know everything and have it all worked out.

I’m sorry to be blunt and mean but you need to hear it - you could have a wonderful life with this guy if you got off your high-horse.

I had an impressive career and a degree too. I speak several languages. (Incidentally I started learning one in my 40s - have you tried learning another language this late in your life to walk a day in his shoes?)

My husband took 10 years to speak basic English. Yes I nagged him too, for about 6 months.

He has an amazing job that he loves and he comes home stinking and dirty and I’d rather listen to him talk about a day on the building site than have a conversation about Dostoyevsky with someone I worked with.

Open your eyes, there’s a whole world out there you know nothing about and he can teach you. Someday you’ll wake up and realise you don’t really know anything. Your education doesn’t stop when you finish your studies.

The smartest people I know are the ones who can sit beside a millionaire and a villager and learn from both.
 

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OP, if everything you said about your husband is true, then he is not yet mature enough to assume the responsibilities of being married. It would be nice if both of you will sit down and talk no matter how long it would take where you can tell him all your concerns and expectations and the possible consequences should he not make the least effort to improve. You must also try to understand his points of view and find out if there are traumas or past experience that are holding him back or keeping him in fear of some sort. But not clearing your driveway of snow when he knows that you will be driving to work and pregnant is unacceptable. Good luck.
 

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I had to stop reading halfway down. Your list of things that are wrong with him is enormous. Do you even love this man?? He actually sounds interesting.

What on earth was wrong with his factory job and, and why can’t he learn English at his own pace?? Who cares what he does for a living - I’m not surprised he doesn’t talk and just sits there quietly, you know everything and have it all worked out.

I’m sorry to be blunt and mean but you need to hear it - you could have a wonderful life with this guy if you got off your high-horse.

I had an impressive career and a degree too. I speak several languages. (Incidentally I started learning one in my 40s - have you tried learning another language this late in your life to walk a day in his shoes?)

My husband took 10 years to speak basic English. Yes I nagged him too, for about 6 months.

He has an amazing job that he loves and he comes home stinking and dirty and I’d rather listen to him talk about a day on the building site than have a conversation about Dostoyevsky with someone I worked with.

Open your eyes, there’s a whole world out there you know nothing about and he can teach you. Someday you’ll wake up and realise you don’t really know anything. Your education doesn’t stop when you finish your studies.

The smartest people I know are the ones who can sit beside a millionaire and a villager and learn from both.
I understand and respect your view on this but I think you misunderstood my post. I never cared that my degree is higher than his or that my education is better. If I did care, then I would have never married him. Some of my closest friends are high school graduates with no higher education and I can never get enough of chatting with them. Just because you don't have a higher education is not an excuse for being immature, lazy and selfish. Additionally, I was very clear with him right from the get-go on what my expectations were for my husband and he readily agreed to them. He was very much in agreement of the importance of developing his skills, expanding his knowledge of the world (as a newcomer you should always try to know what is going on in the city you live in. My husband however wanted us to go to a restaurant one day in the city we both live in even though it was the middle of a complete COVID lockdown all because he is completely out of touch with what is happening around him and no matter how many times I have explained it to him, he would completely zone me out on social topics and news because he doesn't care about what happens around him or how it might impact him or his family), and being motivated to achieve our dreams. You can't blame me if I feel disappointed seeing all this turn out to be nothing but words. I wanted a man I can depend on and trust to make the right decisions at least 50% of the time, not someone who has zero worldly interests and lacks the ability to think...again you don't have to be a genius or an academically-accomplished person to do this. As for having a conversation with him, I have been begging him since Oct 2020 to talk to me about anything interesting to him...to read up on topics that interest him and chat with me about them but he never does and always goes into another room or tells me to find a topic. When i do bring up something of interest to me, his responses are all "wow....oh...really...." and he zones out.
 

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OP, if everything you said about your husband is true, then he is not yet mature enough to assume the responsibilities of being married. It would be nice if both of you will sit down and talk no matter how long it would take where you can tell him all your concerns and expectations and the possible consequences should he not make the least effort to improve. You must also try to understand his points of view and find out if there are traumas or past experience that are holding him back or keeping him in fear of some sort. But not clearing your driveway of snow when he knows that you will be driving to work and pregnant is unacceptable. Good luck.
Thank you for your reply. We have sat down to talk about this practically every single weekend over the past month and our talks almost always ends up in a fight because he completely refuses to acknowledge that these are actual issues and thinks I am exaggerating everything. My parents had to get involved a week ago because things were getting so bad. Yesterday I was extremely fed up because the issue with the snow in the driveway happened again. I also got home after him in the afternoon - an hour later - and just I was going in to take a shower, he tells me he needs to use the washroom only to end up using the shower and finishing all of the hot water. By the time I went in, the water was cold. I had previously told him that whoever comes home first needs to take a shower asap and try to finish in half an hour so the water can heat up for the second person which he agreed to because he knows that our water heater is old and we need to plan this. I have even been staying at work for 1-2 hours extra after work just to give him a chance to wash up and take care of himself. Yet, for some stupid unknown reason - yes unknown because he won't say why - he only ends up taking his shower as I enter the house - of course you can imagine how lovely this is for a pregnant woman who somedays needs to use the toilet every 1-2 hours and we only have 1 toilet in the house! He asked me why I was angry and I ended up telling him how disappointmented I am with these issues. He looked annoyed the whole time but agreed to at least do the snow and the washroom thing but he says he doesn't believe the other issues are real problems and that in a month or so i need to give him his rights in the bedroom...again while knowing how painful the whole thing is for me.

It just bothers me when he keeps saying "you are my heart...soul...blah" and yet shows complete disregard to my well-being and only does things after I make an issue about it! My parents actually brought it up to him gently on Saturday telling him to be careful because snow if not cleaned can melt and turn to black ice and yet 2 days later, complete disregard to them. Finally today he cleaned it up but again only after I made him realize what a big issue it was. If you don't care about me then at least care about your child who he swears he loves and cares about. One time my mom called him and told him my family has a history of pre-eclampsia so I should restrict/avoid salty food as much as possible. An hour after that phone call, he comes to me asking - in all seriousness - if I want to eat salted pickles!!! I just stared at him wondering if he - AGAIN - didn't pay attention to what was being said to him OR if he actually doesn't want this kid.

I have asked him if something happened in his childhood before and he refused to say but I do have to say that his parents had a miserable marriage with constant and separated many years ago. He says he doesn't want us to end up like them but it certainly feels like thats where we are heading. Unfortunately, I get the impression that he doesn't understand what "marriage" means and thinks its just a bedroom relationship. When his parents weren't fighting, they would go to bed and make babies. i have actually suggested to him in the past talking to a psychiatrist or a psychologist but he always brushes me off about it.

Honestly, at this point, I feel so hopeless.. i just want those remaining months of my pregnancy to pass and end this whole mess but just feel so embarrassed and guilty towards my parents because I know their reputation will unfortunately be affected as well within our circle since divorce is a big taboo in my culture. Women are often encouraged to stay with far worse men than my husband - men who are physically abusive to them and their children - just to keep the face of marriage going
 

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Have you also lived up to what he has asked of you? Did you make promises? Because your list of what you want him to be and what you expect is so specific and lengthy that it would be near impossible to tick all the boxes. You’re talking about loving words that he is telling you heart and soul he loves you blah blah blah like he’s hurling dirt at you.

What did he want in a wife and where have you come through for him, or does none of that matter so long as he’s falling short? It looks like he wants to have sex with you and speaks lovingly to you - and you’re so... annoyed. Annoyed.

And now your parents are pulling him up and calling him and telling how how to do things?!? That is so disrespectful, especially in your culture. You should all know better.

I hope he finds a woman one day to love everything about him, to tell her parents to get lost. A queen and not a princess. And hopefully that woman will be YOU. Are you going to be this woman?? Every man deserves that.
 

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P.s. If my husband told me to go read about topics and find something to talk about because he believes I don’t think... I would zone right out the door.

The saddest thing about this is you’re worried how the divorce will look for your parents. Your husband got the bad deal and not the other way around and I know exactly how Asian marriages & culture go 😉
 

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Thank you for your reply. We have sat down to talk about this practically every single weekend over the past month and our talks almost always ends up in a fight because he completely refuses to acknowledge that these are actual issues and thinks I am exaggerating everything. My parents had to get involved a week ago because things were getting so bad. Yesterday I was extremely fed up because the issue with the snow in the driveway happened again. I also got home after him in the afternoon - an hour later - and just I was going in to take a shower, he tells me he needs to use the washroom only to end up using the shower and finishing all of the hot water. By the time I went in, the water was cold. I had previously told him that whoever comes home first needs to take a shower asap and try to finish in half an hour so the water can heat up for the second person which he agreed to because he knows that our water heater is old and we need to plan this. I have even been staying at work for 1-2 hours extra after work just to give him a chance to wash up and take care of himself. Yet, for some stupid unknown reason - yes unknown because he won't say why - he only ends up taking his shower as I enter the house - of course you can imagine how lovely this is for a pregnant woman who somedays needs to use the toilet every 1-2 hours and we only have 1 toilet in the house! He asked me why I was angry and I ended up telling him how disappointmented I am with these issues. He looked annoyed the whole time but agreed to at least do the snow and the washroom thing but he says he doesn't believe the other issues are real problems and that in a month or so i need to give him his rights in the bedroom...again while knowing how painful the whole thing is for me.

It just bothers me when he keeps saying "you are my heart...soul...blah" and yet shows complete disregard to my well-being and only does things after I make an issue about it! My parents actually brought it up to him gently on Saturday telling him to be careful because snow if not cleaned can melt and turn to black ice and yet 2 days later, complete disregard to them. Finally today he cleaned it up but again only after I made him realize what a big issue it was. If you don't care about me then at least care about your child who he swears he loves and cares about. One time my mom called him and told him my family has a history of pre-eclampsia so I should restrict/avoid salty food as much as possible. An hour after that phone call, he comes to me asking - in all seriousness - if I want to eat salted pickles!!! I just stared at him wondering if he - AGAIN - didn't pay attention to what was being said to him OR if he actually doesn't want this kid.

I have asked him if something happened in his childhood before and he refused to say but I do have to say that his parents had a miserable marriage with constant and separated many years ago. He says he doesn't want us to end up like them but it certainly feels like thats where we are heading. Unfortunately, I get the impression that he doesn't understand what "marriage" means and thinks its just a bedroom relationship. When his parents weren't fighting, they would go to bed and make babies. i have actually suggested to him in the past talking to a psychiatrist or a psychologist but he always brushes me off about it.

Honestly, at this point, I feel so hopeless.. i just want those remaining months of my pregnancy to pass and end this whole mess but just feel so embarrassed and guilty towards my parents because I know their reputation will unfortunately be affected as well within our circle since divorce is a big taboo in my culture. Women are often encouraged to stay with far worse men than my husband - men who are physically abusive to them and their children - just to keep the face of marriage going
I hate to say this but YOU grew up in North America. I realize your culture frowns on this but this is YOUR life -- not your parents, and not your culture. Just because other women would put up with it does NOT mean you need to. You don't need all this with the pregnancy on top of things.
Look, he puts HIMSELF first and always will. He is NOT a good partner (for you or anyone else) until he grows up and takes responsibility for his actions.
You need to start doing the 180 and DETACH from him. Do NOT give way to him -- he needs to use the washroom, TOO BAD, You go in first.

Tell your parents that he does NOTHING around the house, helps with nothing, and does NOT care about your well being. Ask them if they think staying with someone who doesn't move the snow and lets it turn to ice for his wife -- who has THEIR grandbaby inside her -- is ok? What if you slipped on the ice and lost the baby? What would they say THEN?

Also you mention HIS parents separated -- so, they survived. You will also.
You can't force him to do anything, be what you want, etc.. You are only responsible for how YOU handle this -- YOUR reactions and actions. You are not responsible for the culture, your parents, etc..
You need to take care of YOU and your growing baby. Start doing the 180 with him and ignore what he is doing.
 

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Are you and your parents speaking to him in his native language? Or are you speaking to him in a language or dialect or with such strong accents that he isn't able to understand you well? Because that would explain why you tell him things and he just agrees without taking in or remembering what you are saying. If it isn't that, what you are describing reminds me of people I've met with ADHD, and treating that could improve things. He also just sounds really adrift and uncertain. He's in a new country and culture and he's having trouble adjusting. And he sounds utterly intimidated by you, your need to control every little thing he does, and your contempt for him. It honestly sounds like he can do nothing right as far as you are concerned. A little grace on your part could go a long way.

If you haven't mentioned to your doctor that sex is painful, ask what would be causing that, and find out what to do about it you should. That may be important for your doctor to know during your pregnancy.
 

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Look, you don't love the guy and never did. Your parents shamed you into getting married and they are now shaming you into staying married. Your husband wasn't looking for a wife - he was looking for a mother. Your family and their friends aren't married to him so they don't get a say. There are worse things than being a single mom.

Just because others like to take a piece of clay and mold it into a quasi-acceptable spouse doesn't mean you have to follow suit. Don't be a martyr to a culture that is not yours.

Get the marriage annulled.
 

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This is why people choose their own mates in West and why people often date multiple people in their 20s and can date and get to know someone for YEARS before marrying them.

This would have all been avoided if you had known him and had known of his work history and unwillingness to assimilate into American culture and language etc etc before agreeing to marry him.

Anyone can smile and nod their head and say “yes” to whatever you want to hear for a month.
 

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It’s really very difficult to move to another country as an adult, by yourself and to marry into a family where the spouse and in-laws reign over you, to learn a new language and the ways. It’s not about not assimilating. What he needs is support and love and people to believe in him.

I challenge anyone to try a new language without the pressures of a critical spouse and in-laws. I know I would struggle. He’s got nobody to turn to, not even his wife.
 

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(Look, maturity and being a responsible husband has nothing to do with the place and culture you are in. You might struggle fitting in but it does not mean that you cannot be a caring person. Being a husband and father is not an easy calling. But at least he should try to be kind and helpful to his wife specially now that she is already pregnant, a very critical and sensitive stage of her life. Wife will be going through whirlwind of emotions and demeanor with those hormones making changes in her body.) You should talk to your husband and make him understand all these things that are happening to you. If I were you, I would make a list of the chores he is expected to do (like clearing up snow on the driveway every morning). It might be easier for him to remember.
 

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Hi everyone. I am a new poster here. Please bare with me as my story likely has a lot of details but I would really appreciate your advise on this. Just to give you a little background on myself, I was originally born in Asia (can't say where) but left when I was a baby and have been living in North America since then. I practically grew up in North America, went to school and have 2 university degrees one of which is a professional degree in the medical field. I work in multiple hospitals and am very blessed to have a good and rewarding career. I pretty much spent my whole 20s focusing on my studies and work. By the time I was settled in my career, I was already in my early 30s. In my culture, women in their early 30s are pretty much done for when it comes to marriage as all the good "male bachelors" are taken by then and the ones remaining would rather marry women in their 20s. My fate was to either marry someone 10-20 years older than me or live alone for the rest of my life. As you can imagine, I was getting a lot of pressure from family and friends about marriage. Even I myself felt pressured seeing my colleagues at work getting married and starting happy families.

My husband and I met each other in late Aug 2020. A month later, we were engaged.. yes that fast! The reason for this is that in my culture, most men and women don't really date - even though the younger generation definitely does nowadays. However, because I grew up in NA, my family allowed us to have time to meet up, chat and get to know each other to ensure that we were compatible. Truth be told, my family was willing to wait more for my decision but the guy was rushing everything and would contact my parents every other day asking as to why we are delaying moving to the next step. The guy was born and raised in the same Asian country that I was born in - FYI its a war-torn country. He had only been in NA for 2 years. He used to say that couples got married within 1 WEEK of meeting each other over there! In either case, the guy appeared well-mannered, polite, very nice and gentle. He was very respectful to my parents - which was a huge plus! He cooks well and endeared me with his willingness to help with housework. He didn't have the type of education that I had but did complete a university degree in science. He was in his mid 30s and was currently working as a general laborer in a factory which kinda threw me off as I thought by 2 years he should have found something a little more stable here but family and friends told me I was being too much and it takes time for newcomers to find good jobs.

During our early conversations, I told him on multiple occasions what my dreams and hopes for my future husband. I told him that I would like him to do the following:
1) develop his english skills and be open to learn more about the country he lives on at this time
2) take courses to improve his chances of finding a good job in his field - a family friend actually found him an entry-level job in a company within his field which was amazing
3) be ambitious and always motivated to improve our livelihood so that we in few years we can have a house of our own, enroll our kids in strong private schools and live a comfortable life where we can travel and enjoy the world
4) have a strong sense of responsibility and be a man that I can rely on

The guy would readily agree to everything I said and was extremely happy about it all. However, I did notice that he was very quiet in most of our conversations. In fact, I was pretty much initiating everything and he would just listen. I am a very sociable and outgoing person who thrives on having interesting conversations with others. When I voiced my concern that we might not have similar interests to family and friends, they would just tell me that he is shy.

Anyways, long story short, we got engaged and a week after the engagement, he tells me that he hates the new job and the field he is in. He would much rather be a taxi driver/food delivery personal than stay in it. My parents had to get involved and practically threatened him that if he doesn't find a more stable job then the marriage will be delayed. That freaked him out and he promised he would continue in it. That settled it but a new thorn of distrust implanted itself in me that I tried to ignore till our marriage.

We got married a month after lol - don't know whether to laugh or cry at my stupidity - and I realized he had no intention of doing the things I asked him to do but he expected me to be the perfect wife who spoils him with love and affection at every step. Not only that, but I realized that he was clueless about pretty much everything going on the world or how we should behave in our life. I don't even know where to begin but I pretty much have listed my issues with him below:

1) He has no interest or motivation in improving or developing his skills, language or just general knowledge of this country and society he lives in. Friends and family said its ok if he depends on me to teach him everything. Now this is fine if he actually understood what I tell him. The problem is that I soon realized he has some sort of problem focusing on what people tell him, remembering it and actually comprehending it!! I tell him the same thing 10 times and he will still forget it. He has zero curiosity about the world he lives in. He feels that general knowledge about the world is nice but not important to him. His English language is weak and I often find him struggling to speak or find the right words when talking to receptionists and other people to the point where his voice would crack and fail. I have been begging him to at least spend 30 minutes everyday reading a newspaper or watching an english program on youtube or TV and often will nod along but not do it. Eng courses are out of the questions too. He now finally agrees to watch news on tv when having dinner but i can tell hes not focused with it so its more like noise going into his ears than anything. His only interests are related to religion and cars - nothing else is interesting to him.

2) He doesn't understand the point of working hard - often complains about his supervisor's expectations at work. He even goes as far as to say "I see you come home from the hospital and you are exhausted. What is the point of working this hard?". It drives me crazy having to explain to him again for the millionth time that the rewards of working hard are not immediate but rather long-term. That we need to work hard so that we can save up money to reach our long-term goals that he himself agreed to but apparently forgot about them all after marriage. I try to explain to him that I have to work hard because of my responsibility to my patients but he doesn't seem to even buy into it. He lacks the dedication to his own work and has gotten in trouble at work on multiple occasions because of this.

3) Lacks common sense and the ability to critically analyze and comprehend things. I heard many men lack common sense but I have had a lot of guy friends since I was a kid and I have never met someone with this level of common sense. This guy would put opened bags of chips in the fridge because he didn't know where else to put them. I had explained to him what an open-buffet or all-you-can-eat buffet is on multiple occasions but then he would ask a restaurant waiter on the phone whether they can bring "open-buffet" food to our hotel room - he wanted the whole buffet in our room while knowing that the buffet is half an hour drive from our hotel! He would call a clinic to book an appointment and forget to ask if the doctor speaks his language even though he had just told he wants to see a doctor that speaks his language. I often ask him about his opinions on things happening around the world and he would either have no opinion or a very shallow/uninterested that shows zero thinking one. The worst was recently when we woke up in the morning and saw the streets, driveway, walkway and stairs to our house covered with 15 cm of snow. I am pregnant right now and he had seen me before almost slip on the ice near our house door and we had agreed before that he would take care of shoveling snow for now. He left the house 30 minutes before I did and tbh i didn't realize till I was leaving half an hour later the amount of snow covering everything including my car. I almost slipped again on the stairs and almost broke down crying while watching our neighbors - men in their 40s and 50s if not older - shoveling snow on their driveway before going to work despite the freezing cold so their wives and children don't slip. I ended up getting to work late because my car was stuck in the snow of the driveway. When I asked him how come he didn't do what the other men did, he would say that he never saw them and didn't realize how bad it was! I can't tell you every single example but every single day there is an issue with him misunderstanding, forgetting or not being able to comprehend what I say to the point where we had a huge fight over this.

4) He is unbelievably sensitive and emotional to the point where its exhausting. He would literally burst into tears if my tone is a little hard. And its not just with me! He complains about how mean and evil his supervisors are at work all the time. It seems that he often makes mistakes at work because of lack of attention and forgetfulness - this he admitted to once - but whenever his supervisors reprimand him, he would come home very upset and ready to cry because he can't stand it when someone speaks to him harshly. He even started saying that in few years he wants to leave this country and go to live in another country neighboring his own because the people here are too cruel and mean. I try to be understanding but I cant help but feel frustrated with him when I remember the hellish teachers I had in the past and supervisors I work with on daily basis and never really complain about because they are absolutely right to reprimand you if you mess up your work or show lack of insight and dedication. One time we had a fight because I was too tired to make out with him and he started walking around the bedroom back and forth like an angry child crying then hitting the wall with his hand. I was ready to leave the house to go to my parents' home and I suddenly hear him wailing - YES WAILING - while sitting down on the ground with his back to the house's front door. It literally freaked me out and made me apologize to him profusely even though i don't feel it was wrong of me to say I am tired when I am pregnant and exhausted. My family and I love joking with each other and making sarcastic comments and he knew this from before our marriage. Yet, after the marriage he says he doesn't like our attitude and the way we talk to each other because it scares him and he feels that its too cruel. He literally wants me to change even the way I talk to satisfy him.

5) He has a "avoidant" type of personality that fears everything and anything that can create problems. We once went to a restaurant and he wanted to place the order so I told him what to say to the waitress. When it was our turn, he forgot/ignored what I said and said his own sequence of it which was wrong. The waitress of course misunderstood him and charged him for the price of 1 meal instead of 2. He knew that it was a mistake so I asked him go tell her its wrong but he just said "oh no need..its ok...im not hungry anyways"! All this because he wanted to run away from the problem. At one point in his work he requested that his position is degraded to a lower one because he was too afraid of the responsibility associated with the higher position - he admitted this to me! Fortunately he corrected this issue few weeks later after he experienced mistreatment and realized that the lower your position is the worse things are. But his problem with trying to run away from facing his problems continues.

6) we have no mutual or common interests - like seriously nothing lol...i don't know whether to laugh or cry. As mentioned before, he doesn't know much about the world and has near zero interest in it. He only watches very few old movies because he can't stand any form of violence... even marvel movies are too violent for him. There is literally zero things to talk to him about or do together. I enjoy spending time on my laptop watching youtube vids more than doing anything with him. He himself didn't care much about it before because all he cared about in marriage is sex but now i think he is starting to realize that marriage can't exist on sex alone.. problem is; there is nothing for us to do together that we both enjoy. Even going shopping with him is frustrating because of his lack of insight over what to buy and his thoughtless comments. Seeing him struggle to communicate and understand workers and staff that look 10 years younger than him drives me crazy because even though he knows its bad, he still refuses to improve on his situation.

7) He is obsessed with sex and making out! During our honeymoon week, he would often wake me up every 2 hours to have sex. After the honeymoon, he would always want it in the morning but I usually have no desire when I am woken up so early. I still played along and did as he wanted. The problem however is that sex has been very uncomfortable and even painful for me. Truth be told, he does try to be gentle but maybe its the fact that I was virgin before marriage or something else but it is painful and difficult. At one point, I needed to do a transvaginal ultrasound for my pregnancy and even inserting that was painful. Even then, i tried to go along and take it all in but as time went by and all the other issues popped up, I started to hate his touch. I often find his hand on mine repulsive and this has really made things 10x worse. He is now even more upset but I really can't tolerate his presence in the same room without feeling angry and annoyed because every little talk or communication between us ends up in misunderstanding or him not doing things right. I had some vaginal bleeding at the beginning of my pregnancy so he had to stay away which was a huge mercy but now it has improved and he told my mother that its his right and he has needs that I have to meet even though i explained to him that this period of my pregnancy is sensitive to me and I am still considered high risk.

The more time I spend with him, the more I am angry and upset. Maybe I am being irrational but i can't help but feel like I was tricked into this whole mess. I keep thinking to myself that I was always honest with him so why couldn't he be as honest with me. Why couldn't he be honest with me about his interests, personality and feelings. why didn't he disagree when I asked him if he could be the man I wanted. I always dreamt of a man who can look after me..who would be my friend and support. Someone who is wise, mature and understanding... sure he might lack some common sense here and there but it shouldn't mean that he lacks maturity. Someone who has the strength to help me achieve my goals with me helping him achieve his. Yet, I often look at my husband and feel like I am looking at a child who has no decent understanding of the world because he refuses to get out of his bubble and who needs constant hand-holding. It has gotten to the point where I feel zero sense of respect and affection towards him. Even things that made him endearing to me in the past like his politeness and willingness to help around the kitchen is starting to unnerve me. These are all things that I can do and they are bonus but this is the not what I want from him. Sometimes I feel he would rather be the housewife than the reliable husband. It makes it worse when he swears that he loves me and that I am the most important person in his life and yet goes and does things that hurt me and disregards my wishes. Over the past month, our daily lives are pretty much the two of us living in silence and trying to avoid talking with each other to minimize any arguments so that it doesn't affect the pregnancy. Its much better this way for me but i know its not right and he hates it. The problem is, I have no interest to talk to him about anything. In fact, i don't want to hear him say anything because everytime he talks, my respect for him drops further.

I have made a deal with my parents to try to let this go on till end of this year and at least after I have delivered my baby but i honestly feel suffocated living with him and I worry that this stress is hurting my baby. I often spend more time at work just to stay away from the house. My mother keeps telling me that other married women have it worse so I should be glad that hes not cheating or drinking or being abusive but if you are not happy with your significant other then whats the point! Am I right to think this or should I just tolerate it all?? but how can I force myself to like someone I feel wasn't honest and I have no respect towards? I was never in love with him and he knew that. We married each other thinking we were suitable for one another... although he insists he fell in love with me within a week of knowing me. He didn't mind that I didn't love him because he felt it will happen sooner or later...frankly even my family and friends thought I would grow to love him eventually and would tell me I am being childish for thinking of love. Even then, whatever positive feelings I had for him at the beginning are now gone and replaced by repulsiveness.

I am sorry that this is so long but would love your advise on it.
I didn't even get through half of that. You married a dud who probably only married for sex since that seems to be his only interest.

Since your parents seem at least a little sympathetic about the situation, I think you should certainly take the opportunity to get out of this before you get pregnant. And don't rush into marriage next time. I don't care what the traditions are, a person needs to know who they're marrying.
 

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You have to remember that when old traditions began, they were more practical because communities were much smaller and for the most part shared ethics and practices. That hasn't been true for a long time now since the advent of television and mass media and now the internet. Each person is an unknown entity until you get to know them and you cannot count on them having anything in common with you because of all the many influences they are exposed to.
 
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