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Yes, you read that correctly. 19 months. It’s not the way we imagined married life. But it’s the reality we’re facing. My wife and I were both virgins when we married back in July of 2012. And technically, I guess we’re still virgins.

In the past 19 months there has been only one attempt to have intercourse…on our wedding night. Basically, we couldn’t get it to fit in. I’m not large. In fact, I’m probably smaller than average. Before we got married, my wife’s doctor informed her that intercourse would probably be difficult and painful due to her mostly intact hymen and small vaginal opening; she’s never been able to even use tampons. I fear the doctor’s warning only fueled her anxiety. But she put on her game face and was committed to making this work. When we tried, I was wearing a condom, as my wife had just begun birth control and we didn’t want to take a pregnancy risk. As a result, I couldn’t feel much, in terms of achieving proper alignment. We tried various positions and still couldn’t make any progress. At no point was she in pain. It just wouldn’t fit. Frustrated, we eventually gave up. I felt we’d try again soon and eventually get it right.

But since our wedding night, my wife has showed zero interest in intercourse. We’re still intimate on rare occasions; I can probably count the number of times on one hand. She enjoys receiving oral sex and can climax from it, sometimes multiple times. But she seems uncertain what to do with my penis. She’s jerked me off, but that’s about it. And that was fine for a while. I’ve done my best to be patient and understanding, but now I need more. To complicate things, her sex drive has diminished over the last few months. She finds this troubling too. She admitted to me that she hasn’t felt any desire or masturbated in nearly two months. We’re not sure what the reason is. Birth control pills? School-related stress?

My wife is my best friend and she’s been very open about her feelings. Still she can’t pinpoint a reason why she’s resistant to intercourse or any sexual contact. Obviously, she’s not looking forward to the pain. For our next attempt we plan to use lube. Lots and lots of lube. But now that we’re better prepared, she’s still resistant, mostly since she’s never in the mood. So I think that’s the first priority. Unfortunately, we have no idea why her libido has tanked. Furthermore, she can’t think of a single thing I or anyone can do to turn her on. She just feels the problem will fix itself over time. I’m not so optimistic. Do I need to be more assertive and insist on having sex? Somehow I don’t think that will be helpful.

Perhaps a contributing factor, we don’t live together full-time. My wife is a grad student going to school in a different city. I work elsewhere and am often on the road. Due to my work and her studies, if we’re lucky, we get to spend weekends and holidays together. My wife feels it will be different when we live together. And that’s something we’re trying to work out. But I don’t think living together will be the magic bullet.

As you can see, there are multiple issues here. I’m not sure what the solution is. I’m seriously considering counseling of some sort. Though I’m not certain my wife would be comfortable talking about our sex life (or lack thereof) with a stranger. I must admit, the idea doesn’t sound too appealing to me either. But I don’t know where else to turn. Does anyone have experience with sex therapists or marriage counselors? Would it be helpful if I went by myself? Or should I try to bring my wife along too?

Anyway, thanks for reading. I’d appreciate any constructive advice.
 

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I would look into the bcp as a cause of low desire. That does happen. Why is she even taking them if she has no intention of having sex?

Second, will she see a doctor - a different doctor. I come from a culture of wedding night virgins being the regular and know several women who have been given dialators in different sizes to help stretch the hymen. There is also hymenectomy. I also know one woman who had this done.

Thirdly i would be really pissed at the doctor for scaring her like that.
 

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It sounds to me like your wife needs some serious therapy to get over the emotional aspects of losing her virginity. As for the physical ones, there are things she can buy/do to 'expand her opening' and break her hymen. I have no experience with this however. Perhaps ask her doctor?

You also want to think long and hard about staying married to someone with such a low libido at this point. She needs to be 100% willing to solve this problem with you, and you need to think of a point at which you will have to give up. You do NOT want to be 20 years in and still sexless.
 

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Will she allow you to penetrate her with a finger?

I find I'm just getting more angry with this doctor who scared her and didn't offer her one solution.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Will she allow you to penetrate her with a finger?

I find I'm just getting more angry with this doctor who scared her and didn't offer her one solution.
No I haven't used a finger on her. But she's been able to get a finger in while she was in the shower. But I don't think it's something she's done regularly. She tends to be a bit dry, so I think that might be a problem too. That's one reason I have a lot of lube on standby. The opportunity just hasn't presented itself.

But thanks for the earlier advice. I feel a new doctor is a good start along with some counseling. We have a feeling the birth control pills are the source of her low libido.
 

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You should have your testosterone checked. It's very unusual for a man to be this submissive in a marriage (or whatever you call it when you've had a ceremony but haven't consummated the thing). She probably spent the first 6 months wondering when you were going to take her before she finally lost her drive.
 

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https://www.arhp.org/publications-and-resources/clinical-fact-sheets/female-sexual-response

Increase her desire - AskMen

Demystifying The Female Libido | YourTango

Here's the bottom line. You need to initiate sex with your wife. You need to initiate long periods of foreplay before you even take your clothing off.

She needs a new doc where she can get vaginal dilators that will slowly over time stretch her vag to allow for easier penetration. You need to always use lube until she is writhing in ecstasy before you even penetrate.

Happy reading Romeo!
 

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I really think that you can work through this with some patience. The birth control seems unnecessary at this point and it will affect her natural lubrication as well as her sex drive. There's no reason for the birth control to be hindering things more.

If she can insert a finger then you likely can too. If you can rub on the top wall it will feel good and if she can enjoy the feel good part then you can slip in some stretches now and then. Just pull down on it, not super hard, but enough to make it feel tighter. Stop if it hurts. ,You can even stretch it by pressing your penis against it without really trying to insert it, just press to stretch. It will gradually stretch enough, and she won't notice pain as much when aroused either, if you can get to that point. This isn't an uncommon thing, I've heard of others several times. Actually, we I had the same issue many years ago, it took many attempts to get the job done. It may be extreme and need surgery but I would certainly try the basics first.
 

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Yes, you read that correctly. 19 months. It’s not the way we imagined married life. But it’s the reality we’re facing. My wife and I were both virgins when we married back in July of 2012. And technically, I guess we’re still virgins.

In the past 19 months there has been only one attempt to have intercourse…on our wedding night. Basically, we couldn’t get it to fit in. I’m not large. In fact, I’m probably smaller than average. Before we got married, my wife’s doctor informed her that intercourse would probably be difficult and painful due to her mostly intact hymen and small vaginal opening; she’s never been able to even use tampons. I fear the doctor’s warning only fueled her anxiety. But she put on her game face and was committed to making this work. When we tried, I was wearing a condom, as my wife had just begun birth control and we didn’t want to take a pregnancy risk. As a result, I couldn’t feel much, in terms of achieving proper alignment. We tried various positions and still couldn’t make any progress. At no point was she in pain. It just wouldn’t fit. Frustrated, we eventually gave up. I felt we’d try again soon and eventually get it right.

But since our wedding night, my wife has showed zero interest in intercourse. We’re still intimate on rare occasions; I can probably count the number of times on one hand. She enjoys receiving oral sex and can climax from it, sometimes multiple times. But she seems uncertain what to do with my penis. She’s jerked me off, but that’s about it. And that was fine for a while. I’ve done my best to be patient and understanding, but now I need more. To complicate things, her sex drive has diminished over the last few months. She finds this troubling too. She admitted to me that she hasn’t felt any desire or masturbated in nearly two months. We’re not sure what the reason is. Birth control pills? School-related stress?

My wife is my best friend and she’s been very open about her feelings. Still she can’t pinpoint a reason why she’s resistant to intercourse or any sexual contact. Obviously, she’s not looking forward to the pain. For our next attempt we plan to use lube. Lots and lots of lube. But now that we’re better prepared, she’s still resistant, mostly since she’s never in the mood. So I think that’s the first priority. Unfortunately, we have no idea why her libido has tanked. Furthermore, she can’t think of a single thing I or anyone can do to turn her on. She just feels the problem will fix itself over time. I’m not so optimistic. Do I need to be more assertive and insist on having sex? Somehow I don’t think that will be helpful.

Perhaps a contributing factor, we don’t live together full-time. My wife is a grad student going to school in a different city. I work elsewhere and am often on the road. Due to my work and her studies, if we’re lucky, we get to spend weekends and holidays together. My wife feels it will be different when we live together. And that’s something we’re trying to work out. But I don’t think living together will be the magic bullet.

As you can see, there are multiple issues here. I’m not sure what the solution is. I’m seriously considering counseling of some sort. Though I’m not certain my wife would be comfortable talking about our sex life (or lack thereof) with a stranger. I must admit, the idea doesn’t sound too appealing to me either. But I don’t know where else to turn. Does anyone have experience with sex therapists or marriage counselors? Would it be helpful if I went by myself? Or should I try to bring my wife along too?

Anyway, thanks for reading. I’d appreciate any constructive advice.
Breaking the hymen is never a pleasant experience. I'm sure she will expand to accomodate your size. You can break it with a finger.

I would get the penis or finger tip pressed into the vaginal opening and press past the hymen. I'd push it all the way in, and stay still for a while. It's not going to feel good for her, but it's not going to hurt like holey hell either.

After 2 or 3 more attempts, she will likely not feel pain anymore and welcome the penetration.

Anxiety is not good because it can result in vagininus, where the vagina will contract upon penetration making penetration difficult or impossible.

Talk to another gyno.
 

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Yes, you read that correctly. 19 months. It’s not the way we imagined married life. But it’s the reality we’re facing. My wife and I were both virgins when we married back in July of 2012. And technically, I guess we’re still virgins.

In the past 19 months there has been only one attempt to have intercourse…on our wedding night. Basically, we couldn’t get it to fit in. I’m not large. In fact, I’m probably smaller than average. Before we got married, my wife’s doctor informed her that intercourse would probably be difficult and painful due to her mostly intact hymen and small vaginal opening; she’s never been able to even use tampons. I fear the doctor’s warning only fueled her anxiety. But she put on her game face and was committed to making this work. When we tried, I was wearing a condom, as my wife had just begun birth control and we didn’t want to take a pregnancy risk. As a result, I couldn’t feel much, in terms of achieving proper alignment. We tried various positions and still couldn’t make any progress. At no point was she in pain. It just wouldn’t fit. Frustrated, we eventually gave up. I felt we’d try again soon and eventually get it right.
Just wanted to share we had a similar experience...Though I had PAIN.. .I don't understand how it didn't fit in SOME as you say you are on the smaller side??...my husband is "average" and he could go so far in -but not all the way --Yeah... much Pain there..

WE just kept trying....we waited a long time for intercourse and it was going to happen...

My husband was NOT the type to RAM me good..he knew I wanted to get there JUST AS MUCH AS HE DID...He was a foreplay God though, always getting me primed well -getting her worked up to this point is very important, also she'll be more open to going here.. being a pleasurable experience at the start (I always felt that way)....

I didn't take any birth control - as we were open to getting pregnant right away... and my drive was GOOD...he just hated to see me in pain.... at 3 months I was getting pretty darn annoyed..& decided to call the OBGYN...

Mighty embarrassing saying >> "Hey Doc, my husband can't get it in!"... anyway my hymen was very rigid and he was going to schedule me for a "hymenectomy" (surgery)... I was about to cry ..feet up in those stirrups...thinking "OMG -this is ridiculous"... I didn't want [email protected]#$...he handed me a script for a pregnancy test, since this had to be ruled out...a day later, I got the call I was with child.. no surgery...

So now my husband was worried about hurting me AND the growing baby... so it took another 5 months of trying.. and finally at 5 months pregnant/ 8 months into our marriage, we felt the break through...we were pretty excited and went out to celebrate.. The way we handled it -I can't say I faced any excruciating pain at all...

But you gotta keep after it [email protected]#

treyvion said: You can break it with a finger.

I would get the penis or finger tip pressed into the vaginal opening and press past the hymen. I'd push it all the way in, and stay still for a while. It's not going to feel good for her, but it's not going to hurt like holey hell either.
I am sure this is all true... what the experience is probably like with most women....PAINFUL FAST and OVER WITH... will SHE be up for it ? .. or will you spring it on her?...I suppose in dating that happens A LOT.

Me personally... I never liked the deep fingering, but I loved the full feeling -I think I would have braced myself like mad if he did this and I'd prefer it be his Co** instead of fingers.. Just saying... we didn't resort to it this way but still.. slowly and surely that hymen broke down...

***I think she should go to the OBGYN and get checked (again)... and see what he recommends...(possibly dilators..I never even heard of those before coming to this forum)...the hormonal birth control can really zap some women's drives... which isn't helping this problem at all.

Every time you & she are home together...you should be having a session ...workin' at it....this was literally our 1st Trial in marriage... looking back I am very happy I had that experience with my husband and not someone else who might not have had the patience with it...without getting frustrated....I was more open to his RAMMING ME GOOD as I recall.. but he just couldn't do it... so we worked at it...

Obviously I don't think there is anything wrong with this approach -it worked! Given your wives fears...she may be more open to this ...at the very least...

You see.... she needs to care how you are feeling, what you need as a man..not everything is easy but we don't lay down and give up in fear...there is pain -then comes pure pleasure..

But since our wedding night, my wife has showed zero interest in intercourse. We’re still intimate on rare occasions; I can probably count the number of times on one hand. She enjoys receiving oral sex and can climax from it, sometimes multiple times. But she seems uncertain what to do with my penis. She’s jerked me off, but that’s about it. And that was fine for a while. I’ve done my best to be patient and understanding, but now I need more.
Oh my...19 months and less than 5 [email protected]# This is completely and utterly unacceptable......nothing is going to happen here.. This needs a firm conversation ...be pro-active...

Here is a book- with many sexual dysfunctions & the exercises to overcome -minus the cost to see a Sex therapist...you can look through the table of contents on this link... LOW DESIRE is talked about and what can be done....

Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems:

This expanded edition of Sexual Healing examines every known sexual problem and all possible treatments, including many that are new and experimental. The book includes more than 125 exercises for specific problems — including premature ejaculation, female sexual arousal disorder, low sexual desire, and sexual aversion — as well as a new section on advanced sexual healing for physical, emotional, and spiritual problems. Written by a sex therapist and surrogate partner with over 20 years experience, the book reflects the wisdom that comes from her unique perspective as a pioneer in the field of sexuality.
My wife is my best friend and she’s been very open about her feelings. Still she can’t pinpoint a reason why she’s resistant to intercourse or any sexual contact. Obviously, she’s not looking forward to the pain. For our next attempt we plan to use lube. Lots and lots of lube. But now that we’re better prepared, she’s still resistant, mostly since she’s never in the mood. So I think that’s the first priority. Unfortunately, we have no idea why her libido has tanked. Furthermore, she can’t think of a single thing I or anyone can do to turn her on. She just feels the problem will fix itself over time. I’m not so optimistic. Do I need to be more assertive and insist on having sex? Somehow I don’t think that will be helpful.
it is not going to fix itself over time...she needs to be open to going here with her husband..your patience is wearing thin here.. .. all women live through it.. we have babies -now that is SOME PAIN.. There is a slow approach of working at it...that I have explained to you...(or she could get those dilators mentioned).... we've had a very fulfilling sex life once this hurdle was past us...

Or what others have said.. give it to her FAST, HARD, there will be intense pain, even some blood when that breaks.. and it will be over with...

One of those NEEDS to be on the table..
 

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RS - 19 months? Wow! In that case the mrriage has not been consumated and technically (and I suspect legally) you are not married.

You have only posted afew times so am guessing you are fairly new to TAM. Please read some of the threads about people in sexless marriages. I don't want to sound negative, but if your wife has such concerns and hang ups about sex now - and at a time in your life when you should be bonking like rabbits - then the future will only (probably) get worse.

Please think very seriously about your future. A mutually satisfying sex life in a marriage is VERY important.

If for whatever reason your wife isn't giving you sex, and I mean willingly and because she wants YOU, it will only lead to a build up of resentment and you will end up on TAM writing about your sexless marriage and how you only stay because of your children.

Certainly try MC etc and try to make it happen, but she has got to want to make it happen too. If she isnt committed to sorting it out (and at the moment it doesnt sound as if she is), leave.

Please don't make the mistake so many of us on here have made.
 

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Well that is very nice of you to be so gentle about it. I guess I agree that if you want a sex life you need to take a more active approach.

While you are working on this intercourse problem some additional advice is take a shower and make sure your genitals are very clean and then let her practice on the oral sex. Start off slow and after a couple of months she will be a pro. This does not require her to be in the mood for an orgasm but it does require her to care about you.

If that won't happen than you are probably in for a lifetime of no sex.
 

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I have had some experience with a case like this. The girl had tried sexual intercourse on one occasion with one former boyfriend. She would clam shut and it would have been like trying to squeeze through park railings.

The first thing I did was make out it was not big deal. I tried other stuff, give lots of kisses and cuddles, and leave it (to be fair, I get the impression you have done this already).

When playing, get into stimulating her clitoris and stick to that. Next, move onto stimulating the clitoris with your penis. Make no attempt at entry. All this might well be a six month process. One day it opened.

Actually, in that case, it was the start of another issue. I had never felt small, but it was the largest vagina I had ever know. I was throwing a sausage down the hall way. She commented once that it did not feel as full as her friends had described adn was this because I was small? I do not think I am, but thought it best to say yes. We them moved onto vaginal exercises.
 

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It sounds as though you're pretty frustrated with how things are going with your sex life, and that is completely understandable. Counseling is always a great option because you are certainly not the first people dealing with circumstances like this.

I saw an article series that you really might benefit from reading. It has some helpful (and even encouraging) information about this topic. And it emphasizes that you are not alone in this.

Blessings to you and your wife as you travel this journey together. May you draw closer to one another as you work toward healthy intimacy in your marriage.
 

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Your wife definitely needs to see her obgyn. This can be dealt with, and if the physical aspect is deal with her anxiety will lighten up. You sound like a great guy, but both of you do need to be proactive in addressing this. .It's not going to fix itself.
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I just remembered that you mentioned the possibility of seeking sex therapy. You might want to check out Passionate Commitment. They are based in California, but they have a website - passionatecommitment.com. They specialize in the treatment of sexual issues. I'd encourage you to check it out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
First of all, thank you all so much for the replies. You've given me a lot to think about. For starters, I need to have a serious discussion with my wife and clearly voice my concerns about our future together. I also want her to see a new doctor soon. We'll see how things go from there. I also look forward to trying some of the suggested techniques. I think that will be helpful. Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'll keep you posted on our progress.
 

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First of all, thank you all so much for the replies. You've given me a lot to think about. For starters, I need to have a serious discussion with my wife and clearly voice my concerns about our future together. I also want her to see a new doctor soon. We'll see how things go from there. I also look forward to trying some of the suggested techniques. I think that will be helpful. Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'll keep you posted on our progress.
The fact that it took so long for you to come back and even put just a snippet of a discussion back up just reinforces my original post and belief that you are a big part of this. Your posts make me think that this is not really a huge priority to you. Perhaps it's important, but only to the extent that you think it's supposed to be important. Do you have low testosterone? Have you had it checked? Have you always had such a low sex drive?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The fact that it took so long for you to come back and even put just a snippet of a discussion back up just reinforces my original post and belief that you are a big part of this. Your posts make me think that this is not really a huge priority to you. Perhaps it's important, but only to the extent that you think it's supposed to be important. Do you have low testosterone? Have you had it checked? Have you always had such a low sex drive?
No, I haven't had my testosterone checked. Though I wouldn't necessarily say I have a low sex drive. It may have diminished a tiny bit since my teenage years, but isn't that natural? Still, maybe you're onto something? Yet I don't exhibit the other symptoms associated with low testoserone...just looked it up. How does one accurately gauge sex drive? Is there a test? Compared to other men, perhaps I do have a low sex drive? But I haven't seen a drastic decrease.
 

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The fact that it took so long for you to come back and even put just a snippet of a discussion back up just reinforces my original post and belief that you are a big part of this. Your posts make me think that this is not really a huge priority to you. Perhaps it's important, but only to the extent that you think it's supposed to be important. Do you have low testosterone? Have you had it checked? Have you always had such a low sex drive?
I think he is accustomed to not having sex and considers posts rather than posting rashly. I think writing on here at all as a big deal for him. I really cannot see enough to come up with a potential diagnosis (I write as someone who knows nothing).
 
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