So this is my cry for help...
Quick history for those who don't know...
Been together for 5.5 years. Married since March this year. Me: two children from a previous relationship, two together.
First came on TAM a couple of years ago mainly talking about IIRC his reticence to show affection. Five months later I was reporting his EA with a girl at work when the youngest was a baby.
Worked through it and got married earlier this year.
I think it's safe to say we're in a rough spot. I feel pretty unhappy. We've only been married six months and I feel sad that I feel like this in our first year.
What's the problem? Well... It's difficult to pinpoint one single thing but I will try to summarise.
My self-esteem, which took a hit, has never really recovered to a manageable level. This seeps out in many areas. I have an increased need for him to show his love and desire, and for whatever reason, he is reluctant to follow through with this. He kind of goes in fits and starts. I have been quite specific in what I need from him and it usually trails off.
I have always been quite HD but it is becoming more apparent of a gulf between our drives. The reason for this I cannot be sure of, though he swears nothing has actually changed on his part. He sees it as a normal part of life together for things to settle down.
It appears to me that he is happy for whatever reason to carry on. He is happy until I bring up something he promised to do but didn't, then this results in the "you're never going to be happy" argument. He recently admitted that he rarely thinks about such things I ask of him that would help rebuild my self-esteem; he says relationships shouldn't be such hard work that we need to keep talking about these things, but he neglects to see that if he actually DID these things, we wouldn't need to keep talking about them!
A side-effect is that I doubt his desire for me. I find him very attractive and let him know. He rarely says anything to me, or shows me; in fact recently when we do have alone time together he very much expects things to happen "just like that." There is no build-up, seduction, anything. In truth on my part I stopped making as much effort because I felt very much taken for granted. I feel that most times, any effort on his part is him making a show - like, if we've just had a falling out, he will do something to "show" that, yes, he does make an effort... But then, that will trail off. He doesn't appear to do it just because he could, because he thinks I'd like it, to show he loves me, it's like he does it to tick off a box then it's done. The fact is, I probably get the same amount of attention from guys I walk past in the street as I do him.
We were talking last week and he said something... I was explaining how I compared myself to the OW and how different me and her were. He spoke, saying that he felt I'd really built up the relationship between him and her to be more than it ever was. Said she was nice but not *that* nice. A light bulb went on in my head. He was minimising completely what went on. He doesn't truly "get" how it has affected me and I don't know if he will.
It is apparent that I am not going to get the reassurance I continue to need from him to feel secure in his love. The sad thing is, it looks like it is possibly not to do with the way he actually FEELS, but that he simply does not prioritise AT ALL what I am asking of him. And it REALLY isn't that much.
So I am faced with knowing that my future consists of knowing that he can't effectively be bothered to give me the affirmation I need. I am looking five, ten, twenty years into the future and considering how I will feel if things stay like this.
I genuinely felt that the progress we had made would continue after getting married and we'd eventually get to a place where things were "even", good going. But I feel like we've stalled and I don't know where to go from here.
Thoughts?
Quick history for those who don't know...
Been together for 5.5 years. Married since March this year. Me: two children from a previous relationship, two together.
First came on TAM a couple of years ago mainly talking about IIRC his reticence to show affection. Five months later I was reporting his EA with a girl at work when the youngest was a baby.
Worked through it and got married earlier this year.
I think it's safe to say we're in a rough spot. I feel pretty unhappy. We've only been married six months and I feel sad that I feel like this in our first year.
What's the problem? Well... It's difficult to pinpoint one single thing but I will try to summarise.
My self-esteem, which took a hit, has never really recovered to a manageable level. This seeps out in many areas. I have an increased need for him to show his love and desire, and for whatever reason, he is reluctant to follow through with this. He kind of goes in fits and starts. I have been quite specific in what I need from him and it usually trails off.
I have always been quite HD but it is becoming more apparent of a gulf between our drives. The reason for this I cannot be sure of, though he swears nothing has actually changed on his part. He sees it as a normal part of life together for things to settle down.
It appears to me that he is happy for whatever reason to carry on. He is happy until I bring up something he promised to do but didn't, then this results in the "you're never going to be happy" argument. He recently admitted that he rarely thinks about such things I ask of him that would help rebuild my self-esteem; he says relationships shouldn't be such hard work that we need to keep talking about these things, but he neglects to see that if he actually DID these things, we wouldn't need to keep talking about them!
A side-effect is that I doubt his desire for me. I find him very attractive and let him know. He rarely says anything to me, or shows me; in fact recently when we do have alone time together he very much expects things to happen "just like that." There is no build-up, seduction, anything. In truth on my part I stopped making as much effort because I felt very much taken for granted. I feel that most times, any effort on his part is him making a show - like, if we've just had a falling out, he will do something to "show" that, yes, he does make an effort... But then, that will trail off. He doesn't appear to do it just because he could, because he thinks I'd like it, to show he loves me, it's like he does it to tick off a box then it's done. The fact is, I probably get the same amount of attention from guys I walk past in the street as I do him.
We were talking last week and he said something... I was explaining how I compared myself to the OW and how different me and her were. He spoke, saying that he felt I'd really built up the relationship between him and her to be more than it ever was. Said she was nice but not *that* nice. A light bulb went on in my head. He was minimising completely what went on. He doesn't truly "get" how it has affected me and I don't know if he will.
It is apparent that I am not going to get the reassurance I continue to need from him to feel secure in his love. The sad thing is, it looks like it is possibly not to do with the way he actually FEELS, but that he simply does not prioritise AT ALL what I am asking of him. And it REALLY isn't that much.
So I am faced with knowing that my future consists of knowing that he can't effectively be bothered to give me the affirmation I need. I am looking five, ten, twenty years into the future and considering how I will feel if things stay like this.
I genuinely felt that the progress we had made would continue after getting married and we'd eventually get to a place where things were "even", good going. But I feel like we've stalled and I don't know where to go from here.
Thoughts?