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I do realize that my reaction is unhealthy. I think it's because we have had such a loving 8 years and this is so sudden. My love for him was always based on how he treated me and not judged by his past. So I'm having a hard time believing this is real. Then part of me is scared of him now, like I don't even know who this person is. Maybe I am co-dependent and that's where my desperation is stemming from. Maybe I have been just glossing over his bad qualities all this time. I've always been such a strong person and right now I feel so weak. I hate it. I have to gather my thoughts and figure out what exactly to say to him tomorrow when he gets home.
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I know exactly how you feel. Your only hope of remaining married is to follow the divorce advice, detach so he will see you getting away, and exposing him to his family so he will not have a support group.
It's weird how this type thing can weaken you and tear you up so that you just feel numb. There is no anger because your emotions are all screwed up.

This man is not showing you he loves you if he's cheating.

One more thing. Cheaters always say they aren't in love with their spouse, when a couple of months previous to the affair, they claim to love you, etc. Of course they don't feel the same for you, when their mind is on their affair partner 24/7. Of course they can't see anything but good in the AP--- they don't have to depend on their loyalty and don't have to live with them or do anything but fu** them and read their love letters.

This guy is playing you hard. Once you turn him loose, he'll be begging you to take him back. When he does, tell him you care about him, but just aren't in love w him anymore.

I'm so sorry. I know it's hell that you're going through. You must take stows to move forward. See a lawyer, quickly.
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Hi Satya I have always admired your words on the 180 "diplomatic and polite"

Hi Lana, so did you order twin beds for your bedroom yet? I would have. It solves the arguement of who sleeps in what bed, eh? Do you think he wants to argue it is ok for him to sleep next to you after spending the night elsewhere? If he does you really need to have a long conversation with the ex about possible abuse in that marriage. Look, I don't go looking just because of a wisp of smoke. But person who can't understand why another would not physically sleep next to them under these circumstances is person who makes me think WTF? Followed by what else don't I know about them.

Lana, what might he say or do that would cause others to think huh?
 
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My husband and I have been together 8 years, married 4. In November he said he loves me so much but wasn't "in love" with me and we should separate for a while, and that he was going to be staying with friends while we figured things out. I found out a few weeks later that he was seeing a coworker of his when I found a series of love letters she wrote to him. They were confessing of love and her believing he is her soul mate and wanting to spend her life with him. It was heart shattering to read these letters because I don't know how a girl could say these things to some one who wasn't reciprocating the same words... So I confronted him and he admitted that he has deep feelings for her and was confused as to what he wants. He still wanted to spend time and talk to her but he was willing to try therapy with me even though he doesn't think it will help because he just isn't in love with me. So, We have a counseling appointment set for next Friday but I'm really not sure if it's going to do any good.
You cannot be involved with him while he is carrying on with her. It makes you pathetic in his eyes and he will lose all respect for you. He's not 'in love' with you because he now thinks he is in love with her. He might go to therapy out of guilt but as long as he is still seeing her it probably doesn't have much point.

He said he didn't want to have sex during this time because he doesn't want to add to the confusion, but it has happened twice due to both of us being weak and obviously still attracted to each other.
My guess would be that he's cutting off sex with you because he feels it's cheating on the other woman. But, hey, he might throw might you a bone to be nice every once in a while because he's such a nice guy.

I admit I am extremely weak around him, and cry in his arms and tell him how much I love him. I just can't seem to conceal my pain from him.
You MUST stop doing this, it's not going to change his mind and will probably drive him away. He knows you love him, what he doesn't know is if he 'love loves' you. Begging and crying wont help him find out. He isn't your safe person anymore that you can run to and expect him to fix your problems. He has morphed into someone else and it's totally understandable and ok to be confused because he had a headstart on you in this new dynamic. You need to catch up! You need to do whatever can help you regain some control in this relationship. Find your pride and you will be able to control your emotions better. I hesitate to call it game playing but it's kind of like that at first, eventually it will become authentic. Fake it til you make it!

He just said its ok you don't have to tell me your plans, and he put a sweet song on and held my hand the rest of the car ride home.
Bless his heart, what a sweetie! I am continually amazed at the things these d!ckheads will do when they are cheating. He's the one doing this, he's the one playing you both, he's the one breaking your vows and catting around half the week and he makes it seem like he's in inner turmoil over it and he throws you a half @ssed semi sweet gesture while glossing over spending the next few days with the other woman. Honey, you need to find your backbone and get in touch with your righteous anger. If he wants to be with her, let him go and have the single life with all it entails.


I realize I am allowing myself to be a doormat, I'm still in shock, but I just don't know what to do because this situation is so screwed up!
It's good you realize that it is screwed up because it is! He should not be treating you this way and you should not allow him to. It can be hard to stand up for yourself because you don't want him to completely throw in the towel on the relationship. But as long as you allow this to continue, the less the chances of you getting him back permanently are.
 

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Oh in the spirit of the 180 now would be a great time to answer my last post that discussed abuse: @JohnA "I guess a lot of time that might be the case and I know sometimes abuse is in the eye of the beholder. Is there something I posted here that might lead to say that. Can you provide links to threads or articles I should be aware of"?

Part of the 180 and grey rocking is making the other person answer the question without you sharing your plans or thoughts. Do you see how I framed the suggested response forces me to either drop the subject or forces me to start to communicate ? Then it becomes the question if I am being truth.

Do you remember that classic break up line "it's not you it's me ? Sometimes the "me" person is right. I remember trying to use it and she agreed. Oh for the record, that nasty rumor that she offered to set me up with a friend - it's not true.
 

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He does occasionally ask me who I'm texting, or what I'm doing on my phone, which I usually just don't respond.
Keep in mind that it's none of his business now what you are doing. So don't tell him. Just shrug off his questions but this and anything else.

If he continues to pester about it, the answer is "It doesn't concern you".

We also have a counseling appointment set for Friday... I liked the one suggestion of writing down everything I want to happen in order to consider reconciliation, and then reading it at the appointment. That way my thoughts are organized and I won't forget anything I really want to say.
I am really hoping that you will read the book I suggested "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

One of the things that he suggests is that in the BS (betrayed spouse) needs to require that the WS write a no contact letter to the AP (affair partner). IT's a requirement for the BS to even start consider recondition.

The letter is all about what a cad the WS has been and how much the WS has hurt their spouse and children. There is nothing in it about lamenting ending the affair, etc.

The letter is written and signed by the WS and the WS and BS mail it out together. That's to make sure that it is sent.

Here is on sample letter. I got it from the link at the bottom of this post.

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Dear Other Person,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and selfish. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to rebuild after all the hurt I’ve caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the husband/wife that he/she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to both our marriage and our family, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish and do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse


----------------------------

Sample No Contact Letters | AFFAIRCARE
 

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Hi Satya I have always admired your words on the 180 "diplomatic and polite"

Hi Lana, so did you order twin beds for your bedroom yet? I would have. It solves the arguement of who sleeps in what bed, eh? Do you think he wants to argue it is ok for him to sleep next to you after spending the night elsewhere? If he does you really need to have a long conversation with the ex about possible abuse in that marriage. Look, I don't go looking just because of a wisp of smoke. But person who can't understand why another would not physically sleep next to them under these circumstances is person who makes me think WTF? Followed by what else don't I know about them.

Lana, what might he say or do that would cause others to think huh?
No twin beds in the same room.

He can sleep on the couch or an air mattress on the floor. But he cannot sleep in the same room as lana.. even twin beds in the same room is too intimate for this situation. And why spend the money on twin beds? That's a lot of money.
 

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Hi @EleGirl you are correct. Sometimes I find myself and others need very small steps. If she is not up to telling him to get out of the bedroom, this at least gets him out of her bed. So perhaps after a week spent in twin beds she will tell him to get out.

Of course that brings up the topic of enabling, which is what she is doing now.
 
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Hi @EleGirl you are correct. Sometimes I find myself and others need very small steps. If she is not up to telling him to get out of the bedroom, this at least gets him out of her bed. So perhaps after a week spent in twin beds she will tell him to get out.

Of course that brings up the topic of enabling, which is what she is doing now.
I agree that letting him sleep in the same room is enabling.

Lana, if you want to have any chance at all to save your marriage, you need to take a hard stand here. That means you kick him out of your bedroom.

Taking baby steps of moving him to a twin bed in the same room with you si not going to have the impact that you need to make on him. He has to know that he is going to lose you if he does not stop this affair ASAP.
 

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I'm so sorry you're in this position OP. What a skanky rat your husband is.

I echo the other posters, you MUST implement the 180. I'd go so far as saying you need to go "grey rock" as well. I completely understand your reaction, and I'd likely be the same at first, but for anything to change, YOU have to change what you're doing. You need to do the following:

1: Implement 180
2: Move ALL of his things into his sons bedroom. He is not to sleep in YOUR bedroom.
3: No more sex, cuddles, hand holding or emotional support for OR from him. You need to find the support you need elsewhere.
4: No more cooking, cleaning, washing...ANYTHING for him. NONE. He can get his wh0re to do it.
5: Change ALL of your passwords on your FB, email, phone, tablet etc. If you don't have a passcode on your phone, put one on.
6: Copy all the love letters, and store them off site.
7: Get the separation papers, complete them and separate all bank accounts etc.
8: EXPOSE this cheating scumbag to everyone - his family, his employer, your family, your friends. EVERYONE.
9: NO MORE CRYING IN FRONT OF HIM. You go grey rock. You answer questions with as little info as possible. When he asks who you're texting/talking to you say "It doesn't concern you".

Marriage Counselling is useless while he's with his wh0re. The only way you should agree to this is he has to cut ALL contact with the wh0re, including quitting his job. If he won't do that, there's your answer sweetie. I'm sorry.

If you're determined to save this marriage, you need to be prepared to risk losing it, to do so. He needs an urgent wake up call NOW to cut this crap out.

:smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter #50
I agree that letting him sleep in the same room is enabling.

Lana, if you want to have any chance at all to save your marriage, you need to take a hard stand here. That means you kick him out of your bedroom.

Taking baby steps of moving him to a twin bed in the same room with you si not going to have the impact that you need to make on him. He has to know that he is going to lose you if he does not stop this affair ASAP.
If I had the money to get twin beds I'd rather use it on a lawyer.. which I don't really have that kind of money right now anyway. But luckily we do have a spare bedroom that has a bed, although we've been using that room for storage. It can just be cleared out and he can just stay in there. Or I'll stay in there if he refuses. Which he will probably refuse since he thinks I will just accept it and get in bed and cuddle with him.

I'm so nervous about seeing him later. I will keep you all updated. I'm really blown away by all the responses I've gotten here. I really thought about everything said here and I'm realizing that I can't continue what I was doing anymore, it's ridiculous and I feel like an idiot
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Lana, he is a big boy. Do not give up your bed. You did not do anything to make yourself have to leave the marital bed.

Let him clean the spare bedroom if he wants to sleep on a bed. He can sleep on the floor or on the couch if he refuses to clean off the spare bed himself. Do you think his "friends" cleaned a room and made a nice bed for him? Guys "crash" on other guy's couches or on their floor. You are not his maid...especially given that he has chosen the path he is on and it is his fault he is not allowed into your bed anymore.
 

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Lana sometimes in life the best course of action is to act now. Apologize later.
Move his stuff before he gets home.
 
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Lana, I am thinking that you should just tell him to not think of sleeping under your roof anymore since he is in another relationship.

Since he is already staying with people (OW) for days at a time, tell him to come get the rest of his stuff so he doesn't have to bother coming back, except for visitation of his daughter (and his son as long as he is still with you.)

If you aren't strong enough for that right now, I can promise you that you will get there very quickly as long as he is still with OW.
 

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If I had the money to get twin beds I'd rather use it on a lawyer.. which I don't really have that kind of money right now anyway. But luckily we do have a spare bedroom that has a bed, although we've been using that room for storage. It can just be cleared out and he can just stay in there. Or I'll stay in there if he refuses. Which he will probably refuse since he thinks I will just accept it and get in bed and cuddle with him.

I'm so nervous about seeing him later. I will keep you all updated. I'm really blown away by all the responses I've gotten here. I really thought about everything said here and I'm realizing that I can't continue what I was doing anymore, it's ridiculous and I feel like an idiot
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You don't have to buy new furniture. Implementing 180 is free. I agree with others, that you don't leave marital bed. Let him sleep on floor or couch.

He's the one that should be nervous. Move all his $hit out of master bedroom. No more Mrs Nice Gal. Let your inner b!tch loose. She's in there. Don't fall for any of his words and DEFINITELY DON'T give him any. As a wife and mother your vag is sacred. His POSOW is willing to share a man but a woman of your stature doesn't share a man. You want to send a message of your value.

As a matter of fact, I would try to find something to do when he's do to come home. I'm talking psych ops here. You coming in hours later happy with the kids, gives him a visual of what he's throwing away. Let his imagination take him to thoughts of another man walking in with you and kids.
 

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I would be pleasant, but detached. I wouldn't be b!tchy to him because then he would know that he has you upset and still has control. It's like he's a stranger now. Make plans and don't include him but take his kid along, if you want to, don't change how you treat his child. I would also let your families in on his 'confusion', you need support right now and you would get it from your family. You're only protecting and making it easier on him by not telling anyone. If you have your family to talk to, it might help you to be less emotional around him. Right now, he's the only that knows what's going on so that kind of make him the only one you can talk to about, not cool of him to isolate you like this.
 

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When I said release her inner B!tch, I didn't mean it in a passive aggressive way. I'm talking being cold and calculating. He is now an acquaintance that shares household responsibilities. Basically an icy 180. If she's tries a timid 180, she's likely to cave to his moves and give in to him. As long as he has access to muffin shop, she's giving him most of her power.
 

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Discussion Starter #57
I just got this text... "Hey baby, I will be home in about 30 min. Can I get you a coffee?"

How do I respond to this? He's already trying to lay it on... But I'm ready let him know he's moving his stuff into the guest room as soon as he gets here.

I'll update you guys as soon as I can. Again, very thankful for this encouragement.
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Right now, he's the only that knows what's going on so that kind of make him the only one you can talk to about, not cool of him to isolate you like this.
I have said this exact thing to him. I feel so isolated and that he's making it so I only have him to talk to and not our families.. His response was that he will always love me and that he will always be my family and be there for me, no matter what.

Very manipulative
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The victims that we tend to forget about.

lanajade's daughter is about to lose the only dad she has ever known, by the sounds of it.

And the WH's son is about to lose his stepmom, his stepsister; while gradually absorbing the knowledge that his dad is a cheat.

Whatever you do lana, treat this boy well. That's a great focus for your energy right now; loving, supporting and caring for these kids, who did nothing to bring this sh.i.tfest about.
They are everything to me. And I will do everything I can to keep them close and to stay in my stepsons life. My husband did say that even if we divorce that he wants to have visitation with my (our) daughter. I do believe that. He stays very connected to her and loves her as much as his son. I will never deny him that. I know that when we tell them what's going on they will be so devastated and that will definitely kick in my instinct to focus on protecting and being there for them.
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Be as cold as ice. Don't respond to bs texts like that. Calling you baby?
This guy is a cake eater extraordinaire! He's loving having two women that he thinks is willing to go for his crap.
I would serve him papers at work. In front of his coworkers. You def shouldn't sleep with him. Who knows what this **** he's banging in the side has been doing in her past!
Besides the fact that you're reinforcing his fantasyland of having two women.
Bring on the frozen tundra and have him served with papers. Once he gets a little dose of a reality check, his sorry arse will be groveling at your feet. He is probably in disbelief that you haven't done this already, but is thinking what a great deal he's getting since you're enabling this affair, and he isn't seeing any consequences. If you do nothing, how could he possibly respect you?

I know firsthand how hard it is, but I'd seriously go cold as ice and serve him with papers. No doubt that is what has to happen. You don't have to follow through with divorce, but that is probably for the best. He's shown you how important you are to him. Once you get over this, you're going to start seeing this in a different light, and every negative thing he does will be amplified by a million.

I'm just sad all this happens with people. Why can't they just do the right thing, on major stuff like cheating, at least?
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