[rks1]

I married a guy overseas last year, who I've known for 2 years now. (We are of the same ethnicity, and he's never been to the US before.) We live apart, as his visa paperwork is not yet processed... due to his own delays, as he is busy making money for his parents over there and not having enough time to take off from his work to fill out the visa stuff. He lives at home with his parents, though they do not work and he and his brother are the breadwinners. My husband works very long hours, 7 days a week. He's been financially strapped, especially as his mom got gravely ill in January and he has been working extra hard to pay for her medical bills. (She's mostly recovered now.) I am a full-time medical student with a tiring schedule. Although I'm getting a partial scholarship, and even my parents are pitching in to help with some expenses, I will still graduate with over $180,000 in student loans.

I don't know if I'm being selfish, but it bothers me that nothing has changed since our marriage (soon to be 1 year anniversary). He shares a bank account with his family... not with me. He does not send me any money at all. (His justification is that the cost of living here is far more than in his country and his money wouldn't buy much over here... but it's the thought that counts, and the sense of responsibility which I would value... which seems to be lacking here.) He takes full responsibility for his mother's well-being, but not mine. I understand that he doesn't have the resources to take care of me... but it bothers me most that he doesn't even think he should have to. Before marriage, he used to tell me that he would bring a lot of money over to help lessen the burden after he gets here, but now his tune has totally changed. (He made friends with a single guy who is totally against gender roles... and after befriending that guy last year, now my husband is like "Why does a guy have to take care of a girl? Why can't a girl provide for a guy?"). Since I have a more comfortable life than my husband (being that I live in the US), he thinks that I should be the one sending HIM money and not the reverse. Although he knows that I have loans, it doesn't really register.

My husband and I generally get along well. We talk 1-2 times per day usually. I just feel like I'm more of a friend, rather than his wife, as he doesn't feel any responsibility for me and puts his mom first.

 

[rks1]

As a follow-up example of something that bothers me: my husband has been really obsessed about having a tablet device this year (though he already has a laptop at home, though occasionally the laptop is not available as he lets his cousins borrow it, or his brother gives it to his fiancee). Anyway, I suggested last month that my husband not buy one while he is there, but instead we could try to buy one for him after he gets here in the US, as he would need an internet device (tablet/laptop) here. (He was supposed to arrive here January 2013, but I suspect it may be not until March or April, due to his own delays in finishing the visa work, and difficulty with getting time off from his business.) He got upset when I told him to hold off on buying the tablet, as he says I am being controlling. He was planning to buy the tablet with his brother sharing the cost, but then leaving it for his brother to have when he comes here. I didn't think that was fair, but my husband got angry saying that this is his brother and it's perfectly fine to leave the computer there. When I suggested that he buy a tablet with his own money (and not his brother's) so that he could also bring it to the US with him, he got upset about that idea as well. So he pitched in half and went and bought a budget tablet anyway, against my suggestion. It ended up being a dud, so he gave it away to a relative, and hasn't been able to buy a new tablet since, as he cannot afford the higher end models, though he's still trying to save up for that. I admit that it really does bother me that he doesn't have enough money to provide for his wife, yet he ends up going to buy some stupid tablet. It's not about the tablet (as I have plenty of luxury items myself, so why should he not?) but rather about his lack of responsibility towards me. But every time we argue over it, he says I'm just being controlling and not wanting him to have a tablet.

I recently found a very good deal on a tablet here, so I purchased it, as I figured he'd come here in a few months and need one. However, once he found out that I had purchased one for him to use, he doesn't understand why I can't just mail it overseas to him so that he can use now. He's like "If you really purchased it for me and not yourself, then why can't you just mail it to me overseas?" There are a few reasons. One is that I don't think he'd bring it back to the US and he'd leave it there for his family and then we'd have to get him another one once he comes here, which I don't have money for. But the biggest reason is that USPS is no longer shipping lithium ion products, so it would have to go through another company, like FedEx. I checked FedEx's page and it costs about $150 to mail it. When I told my husband, he didn't seem to think the cost was such a big deal for me to bear (although he'd never spend the same of his own money). He still is hoping I'm going to send it, which irritates me. I'm not willing to waste $150 to mail a $400 tablet. (I already wasted money trying to ship his something from USPS last year which got lost in the mail.) I'm like, "Not only is he not any sort of husband or provider for me, but on top of that he doesn't even mind that he can't provide for me. And on TOP of even that, he doesn't even respect my money." All of this makes me feel like he is immature and impulsive, which doesn't increase my respect for him. He is so responsible and decent towards his mom, but not for me. If he showed the level of attention and care for me that he shows for his mom, I'd probably feel like on of the luckiest people on earth.

 

[rj700]

I can't say I understand or have any experience with the long distance relationship unless you start off together, then get separated by circumstances. It's hard enough to create & maintain the bonds when you're together. Being apart just makes that harder.

Since you talk everyday and that is the sole connection you have with him, then you should be very upfront & direct with him about this. Is there a specific plan and time table for him coming over?

 

[rks1]

Since you talk everyday and that is the sole connection you have with him, then you should be very upfront & direct with him about this. Is there a specific plan and time table for him coming over?

I've tried to be direct with him about how I feel, but that only leads to him getting defensive and upset. As I mentioned in my post, he was supposed to be here in January (as I wanted him to get here on time so that he could take any courses if need be, so that he could work as an accountant, as most of his courses he took back home would transfer.. and there might just be 1-2 more that he might have to take). But due to his delays, he won't make it in time for January to take any courses here... and might have to wait until May or August enrollment. He currently coaches students out of his family's home in India, and he's developed a successful business there in this last year after his mom fell ill. So it's hard for him to take days off from his students to travel to get the documents done. The same work that could be finished in 10 days (were he aggressively pursing it) has already taken over 2.5 months without being anywhere closed to finished, because he is only willing to take a few days off... which some of those few days go to taking his mom to the hospital for checkups, which leaves less days for this visa work. So he's been dragging his heels on coming here.

I've gotten angry that these delays affect OUR (mine and his) family's goals... as I'm already 31 and wanted to have a baby in the near future, but that's not an option if he doesn't have a stable income, which now he won't have for another 6 months or so as he isn't going to finish his courses on time since he didn't make the effort to get here when I needed him to be. It all makes me furious, but my parents have told me not to bug him about it, despite the fact that they are feeling frustrated with his lack of responsibility towards me as well. They say he is lucky to have the chance to come here as many others would want to be in his place... and it only makes him feel more self-important when I seem in a rush to get him over and he doesn't seem as much in a hurry. He says he is doing the best he can do, as things take longer to get done there than here... which doesn't say much. At least if he knows that things take longer in India, you'd see him being more aggressive with his efforts... but he is not. Whenever we talk, he is usually very sweet and friendly on the phone, but his actions don't seem to match his words.

 

[rj700]

Assuming you haven't done this already, tell him you need to see some actions on his part that demonstrate his commitment. Think about what those might be (e.g. a joint bank account, getting the papers filed). If there are a series of steps for getting the paperwork done, then each step should have a specific date. And a caution about a joint bank account - be careful how much you put in vs. him. These are just examples. You should focus on the one or ones that would make you feel like he's making the right amount of effort.

One more thing - you might want to post on the general relationship forum. Don't duplicate your post, but the GR gets much more attention than the finance forum and your issues really aren't strictly financial. You might get a lot of good feedback there. Just don't take anything personally, even if it sounds that way.

 

[Coffee Amore]

I know you know this but there are huge cultural issues that will need to be addressed. He doesn't seem, from what you've written so far in various posts, that sophisticated and westernized. At heart, he is a mama's boy due to his cultural upbringing. You're going to have a hard time changing his immediate family first focus. He isn't acting like a married man. He's acting like the dutiful son. I suspect after he comes here he'll send whatever money he makes back to his family overseas. After all you're the soon to be wealthy doctor so you can support both of you. I have a feeling that's his line of thinking. You'll have to take measures to ensure YOUR salary doesn't go back to his family. It's one thing to occasionally help them if they're in dire straits, but regularly sending money back when you have a big student loan to pay back will impact you financially.

In all honesty, I see a lot of red flags with this fellow. There's potential too, but you too are so different even if your cultural backgrounds are the same. You were born and raised in America. He wasn't. He is going to have HARD time adjusting to open communication, doing his fair share of household work, not putting his immediate family first, putting your wishes first, etc. I wouldn't even think of having a child with him until you're sure he has made progress on the issues that currently trouble you.

It's true that people who have a chance to come abroad from a poor country do everything they can to make it happen. His procrastination is concerning. He's got an opportunity that millions of his countrymen would love to have and he can't be bothered to do the immigration paperwork in a timely manner? Not good. I think that speaks to how much he values you.

Go by his actions, not his sweet words. Words are easy to say. Actions say a lot more.

 

[rks1]

Assuming you haven't done this already, tell him you need to see some actions on his part that demonstrate his commitment. Think about what those might be (e.g. a joint bank account, getting the papers filed). If there are a series of steps for getting the paperwork done, then each step should have a specific date. And a caution about a joint bank account - be careful how much you put in vs. him. These are just examples. You should focus on the one or ones that would make you feel like he's making the right amount of effort.

Hi RJ, thanks for your comments. I don't know if the bank account would work at this time, as he says he is currently living 'hand to mouth'. So I don't know if he would really have anything to contribute to that shared account. Being that I am buried under loans, I don't know that I'd either way to contribute to that account either, as any extra money would be best put back toward paying interest off my loans.

As far as the deadline goes, I had already given him the deadline long ago, as I told him back in April to make sure he got me all his documents by the end of July. Had he done what I requested, he probably would have had his visa in hand by November (as I told him I wanted him here in the US by the end of December so that he could start his coursework in early January). The way thinks are going, I doubt he'll even mail me all his documents by the end of this year, as even today itself he was procrastinating on the process. So I'm thinking that at this rate, his coming in April or May of next year sounds more realistic. His lack of regard for OUR goals as a family is deeply exasperating.

I agree that a lot of our issues are beyond finances. I have posted in the general relationship forum previously, but only got attacked in the process. People also didn't bother reading what I wrote and would just write that he is wanting to come here for a visa. Thus I posted here to focus more on the financial aspects of what a husband's responsibilities are towards his wife.

 

[rks1]

Thank you, Coffee, for your replies, as always. I do appreciate your endless patience with my threads. I know you must be like, give up on this relationship already,... after you've read all my posts. If I were on the other end reading someone's threads like mine, I probably would feel like that. I'd wonder why the other person wasn't "listening" to the advice being given. But it's different when I am actually the one in the marriage... as despite all differences, I don't want to give up on my marriage prematurely and will go to all lengths to try to smooth out the differences before giving up.

We get along well most of the time, as you know. Our phone conversations are generally fun, and most of the time I feel lucky to be with him. (Though in some ways, I'd also say that he can be lucky to be with me too, as I'm very supportive of him, and spend a lot of time imparting my medical knowledge to him.) He supports and accepts me as I am, despite my struggles with obesity, when few other men would. Even now he is following my diet with me (despite him not needing to lose any weight) and I'm deeply grateful for his kindness and support for my goals. So there is a lot of good between us. The problem is just his general immaturity... his unwillingness to put me first in his life (he tells me I'm #2, after his mom who is #1... though he has said that order may change after he and I live together). He also does not know how to resolve conflict at all, as conflict between us just gets swept under the rug to explode later. No matter what the frustations, there hasn't been any cheating, drugs violence, etc, so I'm not ready to walk away yet... as we still have not even been married a year, nor have we moved in together. I can't walk away unless we are living together and have given things a real shot.

He has told me that he'd only give his own earned money to his family and not my money. As long as he makes enough to support our family's expenses AND to have some money for savings, I'd be okay with this... as I understand that his parents aren't going to work, and he cannot leave them destitute without any financial support (though it angers me he was not totally upfront about this committment before marriage). But I wouldn't be okay if he gives extra to his family and we don't have enough for savings or for having a child. That would really make me angry. He hasn't moved here yet, so I cannot comment on his ability to find a job or the other financial considerations of this forum which may arise later. But time will tell.

Anyway, thanks for continuing to respond to my threads. I do appreciate it sincerely.

 

[Michael A. Brown]

Try to talk with your husband about this matter.

 

[turnera]

I admit that it really does bother me that he doesn't have enough money to provide for his wife, yet he ends up going to buy some stupid tablet.

I don't think he'd bring it back to the US and he'd leave it there for his family and then we'd have to get him another one once he comes here

He still is hoping I'm going to send it, which irritates me.

I'm like, "Not only is he not any sort of husband or provider for me, but on top of that he doesn't even mind that he can't provide for me. And on TOP of even that, he doesn't even respect my money."

Honestly, do you call this a marriage?

You can do better.

 

[turnera]

Our phone conversations are generally fun, and most of the time I feel lucky to be with him.

He supports and accepts me as I am, despite my struggles with obesity, when few other men would.

The problem is just his general immaturity... his unwillingness to put me first in his life

It sounds like maybe you are dealing more with your own lack of self esteem than anything else. If you DID have decent self esteem, you would have walked a long time ago. You just would have. Have you done any reading about low self esteem? I suggest doing that.

Also, unwillingness to put you first is NOT immaturity - it's lack of love. If he really loved you, and wasn't marrying you for convenience and your ability as a doctor to provide for him and his family in the style he wants, he'd already be WITH you.

 

[Coffee Amore]

rks1 - You know I've read your old posts.

You have A LOT to offer a husband. A lot. You're a doctor. You're articulate. You come from a solid, high achieving family. Don't sell yourself short. Your weight isn't a reason to settle for someone who doesn't make you a priority. A part of me can't help think that you've settled for him and that if your scale showed a different number, you probably wouldn't have married him in the first place. He might not have even caught your attention then.

Being somewhat heavier does NOT mean you have to settle for someone who doesn't keep promises he made to you. HE should feel lucky to be with YOU. You shouldn't feel lucky to be with him. He hit the jackpot after he asked you repeatedly to marry him. Don't feel you got the better end of the deal. Honestly, I think he got the ticket of a lifetime. A US Citizen spouse, a doctor, a ticket out of India.

I've noticed that in several posts that you mention he says sweet things, sweet names and so on. That's really nice but anyone can be charming and affectionate on the phone. His actions don't say that he's very loving.

I know it's none of my business but please don't rush to have a child with him. You're still young enough to have a healthy pregnancy in a few years time. You have years before the clock ticks. I fear having a child too soon with him will only increase the stress and financial responsibilities that will be carried mainly by you. Protect yourself, protect your assets, and be very practical. Don't let your emotions guide you.

 

[turnera]

anyone can be charming and affectionate on the phone. His actions don't say that he's very loving.

Print this out and tape it to the back of your phone so that, every time he calls and tells you why he has - yet again - NOT done anything for YOU - you can ask yourself if this is worth it.

 

[turnera]

I know some people from India very well. This may be an assumption based on THEIR family, but is it typical in your ethnicity for the men to have the real power? To have the last word? To not be questioned? For the women to be second-class citizens?

I ask because from what you described, he seems to treat you like a possession. One he has to say nice things to, to keep you controlled, but a possession nonetheless.

His ACTIONS are not those of someone who cares about you more than himself (or his family).

 

[Pseudonymousse]

He supports and accepts me as I am, despite my struggles with obesity, when few other men would. Even now he is following my diet with me (despite him not needing to lose any weight) and I'm deeply grateful for his kindness and support for my goals.

He accepts an intelligent, well spoken, educated, and successfully established person? What's not the accept about you??? And why are you going on about struggling with weight as if you're the only fat person in the world? Girlfriend, you live in America!! It's the country of fat!! (sorry ppl, no offense intended). So what if you're fat? Really; so what!? I'm fat too! And?? I put on weight 'cuz I emotionally eat (at least that's my excuse!). You deserve to be loved just as much, just as deeply, just as genuinely, sincerely, and with proper devotion, as anyone else in the world. Please just stop allowing your weight to get between you and your sense of self worth.

So there is a lot of good between us.

That's not really a whole lot of good! Anyone can say the sweetest things. A lot of people here already pointed out that actions speak louder than words.

He also does not know how to resolve conflict at all, as conflict between us just gets swept under the rug to explode later.

Someone above me pointed out that its not that he lacks maturity, but that he lacks love. In my opinion he also lacks self respect because which self respecting guy would behave the way he's been carrying on about sharing expenses, and shipping his tablet, etc.

No matter what the frustations, there hasn't been any cheating, drugs violence, etc, so I'm not ready to walk away yet...

He can't be violent against you!! It's very hard to hit someone sitting across the Atlantic ocean! As far as cheating and drugs, how do you know?

But this is beside the point. Just because he's not violent, doesn't cheat or do drugs doesn't make him a good man you would love to spend the rest of your life with. I really think you're settling for him ... don't "settle", be truly happy.

as we still have not even been married a year, nor have we moved in together. I can't walk away unless we are living together and have given things a real shot.

You think it's hard to walk away now? It'll be a million times harder once you're living together.

He has told me that he'd only give his own earned money to his family and not my money.

Why do I think if he ever works once he's here, he'll be sending every red cent back home? Or worse, he'd want to sponsor his family and bring them here to live with you!!

Okay.... So I haven't read any of your old posts so I don't have any history on you but just based on what you're saying here....

It really sounds to me like you're making excuses for him because you don't think you deserve any better. You think you're too fat to be loved. Sorry, that's very harsh, but that's exactly how you're coming across.

Just reading through this thread I can find TONS of reasons why any man would be LUCKY to be with you! You are kind, compassionate, willing to compromise and ready to make your relationship work. You are intelligent, successful, and I can see all of this only reading this thread. I'm sure you're all of those things and more in real life.

Weight is NOTHING. Looks is NOTHING. Please don't make a lifelong decision like marriage based on a timeline (when you want to have kids) and what you think you look like. Both are ridiculous, and really if he comes here and continues the way he's begun, you'll look back at this time and regret with all your heart why you didn't severe the relationship when you had the chance. You know how hard it is to leave him now? He's all the way over there! No one here has seen him yet! Think how much harder it will be to leave once he gets here.

Okay lets stop talking about leaving husbands for now. I would love to lose some weight myself. If you're comfortable with this, PM me your email address and we can go on a diet together. I could seriously stand to lose a few (err... quite a few, now that I think about it!) extra pounds. I would love to have a weightloss buddy that is completely anonymous. I would love even more if you could lose weight and as you lose weight, discover yourself and your self worth, and decide for yourself what you want to do with your life and this relationship.

 

[colotnk]

Having subsidized my parents financially for several years, I think I understand family obligation more than an average person. IMO, your husband's actions towards you versus his family show a compete lack of care and love. He has a lot to learn in terms of relationship based on what I've read.

I understand walking away or divorcing him is not an easy solution. Although I agreed with other posters, I would hesitate to follow their advice due to my own cultural influence. If you choose to stick it out, please hold off on having kids until you can work out a solid relationship.

 

[nandosbella]

hey love muffin... it's good to see you back here! havent seen you in a while! and congrats on going to medical school! your burdens will soon pay off!

i think you and i both know how deep the son/mother relationship can go in your culture. in my limited experience it DOES go deeper than a marital relationship. i'm not sure how long you've lived in the US, but american parent/child relationships arent like that.. or the parents dont force that choice like they do in your culture.

have you thought about going back home to be with your hubs? of course it's a HUGE sacrifice with school, work and life in general.. but if your priority is your marriage then it seems like the best option. or maybe make more effort in helping him get over to the US. is that really an option even if his papers were good to go? i have a gut feeling that even if his papers were good he might just stay there to care for his mom. but if i'm wrong, and the papers are the only thing holding him back then hire someone to help! soooooo many people from your part of the world are in the US, there's GOT to be some type of service over there that helps with immigration. i would send the papers to a business/company/relative over there and get the ball rolling on his paperwork. whether it's his family or work getting in the way.. it's not a priority at the moment.

as far as the tablet thing goes... flashy/expensive/trendy things over there i dont think are as attainable as they are here. with the conversion rate alone it makes those things harder to get. i also think it's a "guy thing"... my hubs has also expressed interest in getting a tablet. and it's not because of any functional benefit.. he just wants it to "look cool" which is not a good enough excuse to me to blow $600+. practicallity and controlling are two different things.

it sounds like you guys may be growing apart. and with so much physical distance that is easy to do. with the holidays coming up is there any chance you guys could get to spend some time together? maybe meet in the middle in europe or something? do you ever visit home when you have a break in school?

i hope everything works out for you guys! i'm rootin' for ya!

 

[mrstj4sho88]

You know what you are going to have to do. It is going to be hard but you can do it. Your husband is going to not do the papaerwork. IMHO your H is not coming to the US. He plans on now having you take care of his family. Don't get a joint account with him. Please don't get nothing with him. You need to start living your life without him. Hubby has a new plan and sorry it is to use you for money. If you are doing all the calling stop it. Let your hubby start doing all the calling. I see alot of redflags with this relationship. Your Hubby is just giving you excuses. If you try and hold on to him, five years will past without him coming to the US. Sorry but he is a momas' boy who is not leaving his moma.

 

[mrstj4sho88]

I know you know this but there are huge cultural issues that will need to be addressed. He doesn't seem, from what you've written so far in various posts, that sophisticated and westernized. At heart, he is a mama's boy due to his cultural upbringing. You're going to have a hard time changing his immediate family first focus. He isn't acting like a married man. He's acting like the dutiful son. I suspect after he comes here he'll send whatever money he makes back to his family overseas. After all you're the soon to be wealthy doctor so you can support both of you. I have a feeling that's his line of thinking. You'll have to take measures to ensure YOUR salary doesn't go back to his family. It's one thing to occasionally help them if they're in dire straits, but regularly sending money back when you have a big student loan to pay back will impact you financially.

In all honesty, I see a lot of red flags with this fellow. There's potential too, but you too are so different even if your cultural backgrounds are the same. You were born and raised in America. He wasn't. He is going to have HARD time adjusting to open communication, doing his fair share of household work, not putting his immediate family first, putting your wishes first, etc. I wouldn't even think of having a child with him until you're sure he has made progress on the issues that currently trouble you.

It's true that people who have a chance to come abroad from a poor country do everything they can to make it happen. His procrastination is concerning. He's got an opportunity that millions of his countrymen would love to have and he can't be bothered to do the immigration paperwork in a timely manner? Not good. I think that speaks to how much he values you.

Go by his actions, not his sweet words. Words are easy to say. Actions say a lot more.

:iagree:
JMO your hubby is not coming to US..

 

[Coffee Amore]

hey love muffin... it's good to see you back here! havent seen you in a while! and congrats on going to medical school! your burdens will soon pay off!

i think you and i both know how deep the son/mother relationship can go in your culture. in my limited experience it DOES go deeper than a marital relationship. i'm not sure how long you've lived in the US, but american parent/child relationships arent like that.. or the parents dont force that choice like they do in your culture.

have you thought about going back home to be with your hubs? of course it's a HUGE sacrifice with school, work and life in general.. but if your priority is your marriage then it seems like the best option. or maybe make more effort in helping him get over to the US. is that really an option even if his papers were good to go? i have a gut feeling that even if his papers were good he might just stay there to care for his mom. but if i'm wrong, and the papers are the only thing holding him back then hire someone to help! soooooo many people from your part of the world are in the US, there's GOT to be some type of service over there that helps with immigration. i would send the papers to a business/company/relative over there and get the ball rolling on his paperwork. whether it's his family or work getting in the way.. it's not a priority at the moment.

as far as the tablet thing goes... flashy/expensive/trendy things over there i dont think are as attainable as they are here. with the conversion rate alone it makes those things harder to get. i also think it's a "guy thing"... my hubs has also expressed interest in getting a tablet. and it's not because of any functional benefit.. he just wants it to "look cool" which is not a good enough excuse to me to blow $600+. practicallity and controlling are two different things.

it sounds like you guys may be growing apart. and with so much physical distance that is easy to do. with the holidays coming up is there any chance you guys could get to spend some time together? maybe meet in the middle in europe or something? do you ever visit home when you have a break in school?

i hope everything works out for you guys! i'm rootin' for ya!

I agree with most of what you've said, but the US is rks1's home. She was born and raised here even if she's culturally similar to her husband. Her family lives here in America.
It would be a HUGE adjustment for her to live overseas long-term. She also has her medical training to finish. I think HE needs to show HE is commmitted to the marriage. So far she's the one making all the accomodations. It's time he did some heavy lifting on his part.