[FireForEffect]

Sorry to hear it OP, something similar happened to a casual golf buddy of mine. Found out his wife cheated 40 years ago. He left the house for a week, but then went back home. From what I've heard the consequences his wife faced are now he basically does what he wants when he wants without regard to her. Don't know about their sex life, but she's now forfeited the loving relationship she's had for all this time. I guess he figured leaving her and splitting half of his net worth wasn't worth it at this point in his life.

 

[DudeInProgress]

Sorry to say, but she has lied to you on numerous occasions. So how is it that you know she has been totally true to you? Based on just what you have posted so far that isn’t likely.

What you have written is what she admitted to after years. Usually the truth is way worse than what she admitted. Look up cheater speak.

…Just assume you have a small fraction of the truth and don’t dig for anymore information. All you will get are lies.

Well **** Russ, I was kind of skirting around that, because in his case, I’m not sure it’s particularly useful at this point.
But since it’s been put out there a couple few times now, I guess we may as well go all the way on the reality train…

OP, of course there’s way more to what happened than what she finally admitted to you, and it’s highly likely (as in almost certain, and I’d bet $1000 dollars on it right now if there was a way to validate) that she had sex with him.
And at bare minimum, she 100% did not tell you the full extent of what happened and what she did with him.

So if you really want to operate in full, brutal reality, your base operating assumption here should be that she absolutely did way more with him than she initially admitted to, probably more often, and most likely had sex with him.
And if you really want to know the truth (and think you can handle it), have her write out a full detailed account of everything she did with him and when, and arrange for her to take a polygraph to confirm that you actually know the extent of her betrayal (which you currently don’t). And then DNA test your now adult child.
(And if you had found this out 20 or 30 years ago, I’d be pushing you pretty hard to do exactly this. But unfortunately, it’s not 20 years ago. Your call if you really want the truth.)

Or, at this point, you could just choose to accept the incomplete, partially sanitized version she told you, and try to move forward.

 

[SunCMars]

Hearing MORE of the truth will do nothing but give you ulcers.

Let it go, and go with it to another life.

 

[Mr.Married]

You made multiple bad choices back then to stick it out with a cheater. You always knew it in back your mind it was true. It’s you that decided to do nothing about it.

She screwed him and you can bet the house on that.

I have no idea why she spilled the secret. After all that time she should have taken it to the grave.

 

[sideways]

If it’s me she's taking a polygraph and having my kid take a DNA test.

 

[Divinely Favored]

@Benbutton man, you've got to include the years and dates. It's a reach to jump to the hey there's better wives out there thing at this moment.

OP is right to feel betrayed and hurt, it's slow going....who knows what's best at this moment in time.

Right now OP is digesting this new to him info.

She is a sorry POS for bringing this up now after all this time to help clear her conscience. My wife says he needs to divorce her ass.

 

[Divinely Favored]

When we were married at first she came home from her work’s Christmas party she was very drunk when we got naked to have sex she pointed at my penis and said is that all you have,
I got pissed and asked her what she got up to at the party to make her say that.
We had an agreement that at nights out we both could kiss others.
She said she had kissed and groped someone at the party and he felt bigger.

about 4 years later we were expecting our first child she got promoted at her work and one of her colleagues who never got the promotion.

Phone me and said the kid wasn’t mine as she had been seeing this guy keeping in mind this was 4 years after
I kept getting calls from this guy

I figured out who it was and met him coming out of his house and had a few words with him the police weren’t involved as he would of lost his job.
After the first call I questioned her she said that she had let him finger her but that was all .
Skip to recently she said in my sleep I was shouting about her having an affair she told me she never had an affair at any time that’s when I cracked up and brought up what happened all these years ago I told her I knew she was lying and got the truth out of her.

She had sex with him, she is full of crap. You should have left her over that comment. Wife said you should go live your life how you want and screw her.

 

[Divinely Favored]

When we were married at first she came home from her work’s Christmas party she was very drunk when we got naked to have sex she pointed at my penis and said is that all you have,
I got pissed and asked her what she got up to at the party to make her say that.
We had an agreement that at nights out we both could kiss others.
She said she had kissed and groped someone at the party and he felt bigger.

about 4 years later we were expecting our first child she got promoted at her work and one of her colleagues who never got the promotion.

Phone me and said the kid wasn’t mine as she had been seeing this guy keeping in mind this was 4 years after
I kept getting calls from this guy

I figured out who it was and met him coming out of his house and had a few words with him the police weren’t involved as he would of lost his job.
After the first call I questioned her she said that she had let him finger her but that was all .
Skip to recently she said in my sleep I was shouting about her having an affair she told me she never had an affair at any time that’s when I cracked up and brought up what happened all these years ago I told her I knew she was lying and got the truth out of her.

She is lying, she had sex with him.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Both of us have been totally true to each other since then we even renewed or vows 7 years ago

That is what you think. Poly or it didn't happen.

 

[Divinely Favored]

When we were married at first she came home from her work’s Christmas party she was very drunk when we got naked to have sex she pointed at my penis and said is that all you have,
I got pissed and asked her what she got up to at the party to make her say that.
We had an agreement that at nights out we both could kiss others.
She said she had kissed and groped someone at the party and he felt bigger.

about 4 years later we were expecting our first child she got promoted at her work and one of her colleagues who never got the promotion.

Phone me and said the kid wasn’t mine as she had been seeing this guy keeping in mind this was 4 years after
I kept getting calls from this guy

I figured out who it was and met him coming out of his house and had a few words with him the police weren’t involved as he would of lost his job.
After the first call I questioned her she said that she had let him finger her but that was all .
Skip to recently she said in my sleep I was shouting about her having an affair she told me she never had an affair at any time that’s when I cracked up and brought up what happened all these years ago I told her I knew she was lying and got the truth out of her.

Test your grown ass kids. May find out some facts. Easy example is what color are both your eyes, kids eyes? One easy assurance of provability is if both have blue eyes, your kids will have blue eyes, barring genetic mutation.

 

[SunCMars]

Whelp...

She is the devil, the POS you know, I will give you that.

Back then, she was trying to drive you off with her horrible and cruel words.
She failed.

The big difference in her now, and her then, is that she is now old and is done chasing and measuring wieners.
She knows she is no catch....except to you.


Gwendolyn-

 

[SunCMars]

Test your grown ass kids. May find out some facts. Easy example is what color are both your eyes, kids eyes? One easy assurance of provability is if both have blue eyes, your kids will have blue eyes, barring genetic mutation.

I normally would agree with this.
But, no.

He actually lost his wife years ago.

A 'supposed' improved model took her place.
As she and OP renewed their vows.

Let him have comfort in the child he raised.
As I see it, most grudges should have an expiration date.

Enough grief arrives on its own.
At his stage of life, why invite more?


Are Dee-

 

[Divinely Favored]

I normally would agree with this.
But, no.

He actually lost his wife years ago.

A 'supposed' improved model took her place.
As she and OP renewed their vows.

Let him have comfort in the child he raised.
As I see it, most grudges should have an expiration date.

Enough grief arrives on its own.
At his stage of life, why invite more?


Are Dee-

Grudges...he just found out

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

We had an agreement that at nights out we both could kiss others.

I’m sorry????????

 

[Texican]

AD,
Sorry for all of this.

ms gamboolgal & I are coming up on 44 year married. I can't begin to imagine how something like what you described would effect me.

Agree with above Posters that I would suspect that she did more and a lot more.

I would also have your children's DNA tested to determine if you are the Father.

I would want to know.

 

[SunCMars]

Grudges...he just found out

The heck he did!

He knew for decades, because she told him; not all, but eeeenuf!

His **** sammich was delivered piecemeal, one bite at a time over the years.

He gave his wife permission to kiss men.
He did not stipulate where or what to kiss.

I wonder why he is here?
Can anybody say?

OP?

 

[ShatteredKat]

Jeez - as an unwelcome member to the club: - - it happened decades ago and we have matured (at least some) and grown to see our own faults and our attraction to each other (more than just DDs on my part!) has endured in "spite" (don't like that word) of past transgression -

So? Stayed and life is good and has been for a couple decades now. Some storms have been experienced but a shared determination to try and save and share all the good things we have done together has enabled our willingness to endure pain and persevere to stay on the path together.

No kids (she had her tubes tied before we got together) - simplifies things a bit. STD? BTDT - she says She didn't and I didn't want to spend $$$ to find out (80%?) whether or not she did ??? (UNO the drill: "We only kissed") and, probably the best thing is we both endured bad life experiences with opposite sex several times before getting together.

A decade ago we hashed out the past to the point of getting bored discussing - so it is only the memory in our individual noggin' that we have learned to live with.

Since 'that time' - no issues with interpersonal activities with the opposite sex for either of us.

Regret to have gone through the experience a long time ago but glad to have worked through and made the trip to
to where we are now.

 

[Lotsofheart73]

Both of us have been totally true to each other since then we even renewed or vows 7 years ago

Why do you feel confident now that this is true? Odds are it’s probably not true. Just as it is likely she had full on sex with this co-worker way back then. I don’t really have much advice other than maybe some therapy. This has been under the rug for so long, why worry about it now?
Move forward if you can, if not, divorce.

 

[frusdil]

We had an agreement that at nights out we both could kiss others.

🤦‍♀️

 

[olk]

I have no intention of ending the marriage but how do I move forward and put this behind me?

The answer to your question is:
IN NO WAY!
WHAT YOU WANT IS NOT ACHIEVABLE IN PRINCIPLE. NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS SUCCEEDED YET.
The maximum that is achievable for you is peaceful coexistence with an unfaithful wife as a roommate. No "love", no "sincere friendship", no "camaraderie". You will constantly feel that your marriage is tainted. The elephant in the room will stay forever.
............................................................
Unbiased conclusions from your post and your comments.
1.By agreeing on the opportunity to "kiss" at parties, you both opened Pandora's box. Because adults are not teenagers: they don't kiss, but **** in various forms, which was proved to you by your own wife.
2.You have never forgotten anything about what happened, and you have never accepted the incidents of her behavior at that party(s) that you know.
3.She has never truly loved or respected you, and there is no reason to believe that she loves and respects you now and will love and respect you in the future.
4.You have always been lonely in this marriage and you will remain lonely until the death of one of you if you continue to be together.
5.You wasted 46 years of the best years of your life because you were never really happy with her.
6.She's never been truly happy with you, no matter what she have said and says now, because her deeds (physical and emotional cheating and lying for decades) demonstrate otherwise.
7.From an objective logical point of view, there is NO SINGLE reason why you should stay in this marriage.
8.Your desire to stay with her is irrational and based on pure emotions, the main of which is the fear of being alone and unwillingness to change your habitual way of life.
................................................................................
Now my questions.
1. So are you sure that your first child and your children in general are yours?
2. Why do you believe her that they didn't have "real" sex?
3. Why do you believe her that she didn't cheat on you before marriage and after her known escapade?
4. Why do you believe that she is not cheating on you now?
5. Why do you think that you can even theoretically, in principle, "to move forward and put this behind you"?