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A friend of mine if that’s what you call him just confessed to me that he kissed/made out with my wife in 2013! I was always suspicious about The night in question when it happened but my wife always insisted that nothing happened and would always try to avoid the argument! Well after he told me this and I confronted her she got really pissed off at me and called him a liar!! After a couple days of the silent treatment towards each other, she said she remembered what happened now and told me that she tried to give him a peck kiss that night and he thrust his tongue into her mouth and she backed off while he sat there with his tongue out and that was it! She claims she was disgusted by it and tried to forget it ever happened!! I know she is lying! For one thing my wife never gives peck kisses to anyone let alone on the mouth so this alone is a clue. She will not admit that they kissed passionately at all!! She used to deny that he was attractive to her until I found an email stating that indeed she was attracted to him and always looked forward to seeing him and even admitted in the email to her cousin that she’s afraid that she might get in trouble with him if she sees him more!!! And she also said in the same email that they had thick sexual tension! But she denies that and says the email is bs just girl talk!! I know my friend is telling the truth because he felt tremendous guilt and eventually had to tell me! But her on the other hand denies it all and even gets pissed at me for even bringing it up and tries to defect this argument at all cost! My gut always told me something happened that night and it turns out to be true! I don’t know how to handle this situation but I don’t think I can let it go without resolution!! I have been 100% faithful to her and I always thought she was to me as well!! My other concern is that if she is denying this at all cost then what else might she not be telling me?? And she always insists that she doesn’t lie!!!
 

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Most important thing to remember is that cheaters lie and they are good at it. I'm sorry. Also neither on of them our your friends you should stop calling him that. Don't live your life surrounded by phonies.

What is your story, how old are you, do you have any kids, how long have you been married?

I hate to say this but having an affair with one's friend is a great big crossing of boundaries. In my mind things like that are usually not the first or last time that happens. You would be wise to assume it's probably much worst then just this one incident.

Also it's not your fault, it's their character. And you will recover and feel joy again.

If it were me I would pretend my friend told me more and spring that on her in a very general way. "I know now there is more so and so told me, how could you? I want you to tell me the truth now this is your one chance."
 

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Of course shes lying. Your problem is you don't know how far down the rabbit hole this goes.

It's apparent she knows you well and that you'll do nothing about it so you've got yourself stuck.

Your friend is a snake and can't be trusted. Better rectify that and cut him off permanently
 

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I agree with everything you are saying. Sounds like you have your wife pegged. She crossed the line. Her lies tell you that she could be lying about other 'encounters' as well.

I would be most concerned about the emails. It isn't girl talk when she says "I could get in trouble if I was around him". This means she knows that she would cheat on you if the circumstance presented itself. That isn't what a committed wife would ever say.

You have a decision to make.
 

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You have too much hard evidence(messages/emails) and a reliable witness(your friend who spilled the beans). Yeah, your W continues to lie. Sorry man.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I’m 46, we have 2 beautiful kids age 16 and 13. Been married 21 years and together for about 26 years now. And yes the friend is cut off for good out of my life!! I think part of the denial is because of the kids! She knows our daughter hates cheaters and would probably have trouble forgiving her! We both adore our kids and she is a good mother! But not a good wife!! And yes it makes me ponder the years and other episodes that happened but I never had a gut feeling with any of the other stuff except this one issue. She knows that if she admits this that it calls her whole character into question but that has already happened because of this! I think back to this time from about 2011-2014 and how she was: going to the gym a lot, our sex life was phenomenal at the time. But yes the email bothers me a lot!! There where a couple other emails that were really disturbing as well and actually worse than these. I’ll try to find the one which pretty much summed up how she felt and what could possibly happen if given the chance!!
 

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I’m 46, we have 2 beautiful kids age 16 and 13. Been married 21 years and together for about 26 years now. And yes the friend is cut off for good out of my life!! I think part of the denial is because of the kids! She knows our daughter hates cheaters and would probably have trouble forgiving her! We both adore our kids and she is a good mother! But not a good wife!! And yes it makes me ponder the years and other episodes that happened but I never had a gut feeling with any of the other stuff except this one issue. She knows that if she admits this that it calls her whole character into question but that has already happened because of this! I think back to this time from about 2011-2014 and how she was: going to the gym a lot, our sex life was phenomenal at the time. But yes the email bothers me a lot!! There where a couple other emails that were really disturbing as well and actually worse than these. I’ll try to find the one which pretty much summed up how she felt and what could possibly happen if given the chance!!
Your WW will be in survival mode from here on out. She really needs to come clean. Demand nothing less. Do not hide your W infidelity.
 

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Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!
 

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Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!
Refusing to take the polygraph is as good as confessing to the infidelity.
 

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Was the OM married at the time? How did she know him (coworkers?)?
What were the circumstances? How was it that they were alone?
How long did they kiss?
Did you ask the OM if that was all that happened?
Why did he wait 5 years to confess to you (is he jealous or did he confess to mess with your head)?

Are they any signs of inappropriate behavior currently?

- have you reviewed your cell phone statement for her text and call activity?
- does she guard her cell phone, leave the room to text or take a call
- does she text excessively while with you and the kids
- does she push you away and/or criticize you
- any unexplained or unnecessarily long absences during the day
- does she socialize without you or attend a girls night out
 

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I don’t know how to handle this situation but I don’t think I can let it go without resolution!! I have been 100% faithful to her and I always thought she was to me as well!! My other concern is that if she is denying this at all cost then what else might she not be telling me?? And she always insists that she doesn’t lie!!!
What would resolution look like to you?
 

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Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!
Polygraphs are not accurate. That's why they are not admissible I court. For that reason many people would never take one.

They have a high percentage of false positive/negative results. Usually you get to ask a small number of what are basically yes/no questions so little can be clarified. For example a question like did you kiss the guy? Well she already admitted to you that she kissed him, a peck on the cheek. If you ask did you make out with him, well what's the definition of making out? She might truly believe that she did not make out with him.

As for the emails about attraction to him, people have little control over who they are attracted to. It happens all the time. What's important is how they handle it. Usually when a person feels an attraction that they are not comfortable about or do not want to have, they can avoid the person and wait out the time and the attraction will fade. Being attracted to another person is not infidelity.

You say that she's not a good wife. Besides this one incident, what else makes her a bad wife? What else has she done or not done?
 

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Discussion Starter #14
The OM is single and has been most of his life, he is my friend which I’ve known years before my wife. The night in question was we we went to a concert and came home and he crashed at my house. We were hanging out then I went to bed and she wanted to stay up later. My wife is a night owl but it was late. He didn’t remember how long the kisses were but they were French kissing he claims a couple times. I haven’t seen him since that night Because he moved to another state. He happened to. All me recently and I asked him point blank if anything happened that night and he confessed.
 

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The question is, why did the ex-friend tell you? Obviously, they had a full blown affair that you don't know about and won't find out about. What the ex-friend told you is a measured confession. He told you just enough to make you angry enough to divorce your wife (he and possibly she hopes) and he took the heat for the affair so she could make the minimizing claims she has made (it was all the ex-friends fault!) Their plan is probably for you to divorce her (then you are the bad guy!) and then she and ex-friend will get together. They figure your daughter and son are old enough to handle this.

Well this is all my theory and it could be completely wrong. I don't know any of you, but what do you expect from a stranger on the internet?
 

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Discussion Starter #16 (Edited by Moderator)
Polygraphs are not accurate. That's why they are not admissible I court. For that reason many people would never take one.

They have a high percentage of false positive/negative results. Usually you get to ask a small number of what are basically yes/no questions so little can be clarified. For example a question like did you kiss the guy? Well she already admitted to you that she kissed him, a peck on the cheek. If you ask did you make out with him, well what's the definition of making out? She might truly believe that she did not make out with him.

As for the emails about attraction to him, people have little control over who they are attracted to. It happens all the time. What's important is how they handle it. Usually when a person feels an attraction that they are not comfortable about or do not want to have, they can avoid the person and wait out the time and the attraction will fade. Being attracted to another person is not infidelity.

You say that she's not a good wife. Besides this one incident, what else makes her a bad wife? What else has she done or not done?
I don’t have a problem with her being attracted to anyone we both have always been open about our attraction to other people. My problem is that she lied about her attraction to him. She used to act disgusted when I said she was attracted to him. And when u showed her the email she blew it off and still insisted that she wasn’t attracted to him! And when I confronted her with the new info from the OM himself she said he is lying but refuses to have a discussion with him on phone or present... she wants nothing to do with him and insists he was lying! She said nothing happened and then 2 Fay’s later she gave me the story of him thrusting his tongue in her mouth but then she backed off. But 2 Fay’s prior that incident didn’t happen?? I asked her why she didn’t tell me back then or more recently when we discussed it and she said she didn’t want me to start a scene with him! She will not come clean about this at all and that’s all I want is the truth. The truth is they both kissed passionately and they reciprocated. She always flirted with him and yes from the email she had intentions other than having fun. This is the only that would make her a bad wife to me as I would be a bad husband to her if I did the same.
 

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Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!
That tells you all you need to know...she is lying or otherwise she would be happy to prove you wrong. There is most likely a whole lot more that has transpired that you know nothing about. Ask her for her phone, you may want to snoop it. Or consider placing a VAR in her car and keep harping on her that you know she had a PA. Then listen to her calls to her friends discussing the suspicions.
 

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Slow down, @Dungahotep. Pump the breaks here a little bit. We need more than what we're going on right now.

First off, please start using line breaks. Your stuff is very hard to read.

Secondly, begin at the beginning. I know it's hard to see the big picture right now.

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Has the marriage been good for you both, or not good?

When did the problems start? In 2013, or before? Have there been other guys, or just this one guy?

Why did he tell you now, six years later? What's been going on in that time? What does your wife know you know, and not know that you know?
 

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It's not about the poly it's about the pressure of the poly. I think you are at a crossroads. You have a wife who made out with a friend of yours while you were in bed sleeping and then hid that. She seems to be defiant about that. I would not be happy about that.
 

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Your wife has a wayward mindset but that's not your biggest problem.

You've given her total control over you so you've got what you got. You can't control anything she wants/does. The bigger problem Is you don't have any control over your life. You take what you're given.

Talking about it won't get you much. Until you change that you'll continue on.

Why bother at all?
 
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