[Ausflower]

I find this very hard to say, My husband is lousy in bed, he has never given me an orgasm. Not even close.
I have always thought this and to be brutally honest for the last 5 or so years I wonder why I married him. ( I think I thought he would improve ). I've been with him for 16years married for 10. We have two children 9 and 7. I am 41 my H is 43.
We have never really had a very active sex life and that is mostly because of me. He doesn't show me any affection during the day, no cuddling no kissing no touching never trys to spend alone time with me and if I try there is nothing in return. So I mostly don't feel like having sex at night or any other time.
Three months ago I decided that I couldn't live like this any more because I really need affection and to have great sex. I made an appointment with a marriage councillor and told my husband only come along if he is willing to change. We have been twice, I didn't hold back I let it all out except for the lousy in bed.( still hoping it will improve ). There has been no change in him until I called to cancel our next appointment telling the MC I didn't think there was any point in waisting more money. So for the last three days he has made a slight improvement in showing me some affection.
I decided to tell him that he has never given me an orgasm in the hope that he would try to improve in bed, maybe he would do some research and try something different.
Guess what! there has been no improvement. He just has no idea, I know what he likes and I do it. I have tried to show/tell him but he just doesn't get the idea.
I really don't have a question but I need to vent, I am incredibly lonely.

 

[BeachGuy]

16 years and you're still hoping it'll improve? I'm sorry for your situation. Trust me, I know how it feels. You both went to a counselor which is great, but then you neglected to bring up the biggest reason you were there. You need to go back and let the cat out of the bag. Hit it head-on. It may sting a bit at first, but then you can move towards working on the real issue.

Maybe you could go see the counselor alone first and let him/her know what the real issue is and that you plan on bringing it up the next time you're both there.

 

[CanadianGuy]

You said that you've never had a very active sex life mostly because of you. Why do you blame yourself? Is it because you feel no affection from him so you're not in a sexual mood. How often in the past have you rejected his sexual initiation?

I was sorry to hear that in 16years of marriage you have not had an orgasm. Was he very sexually experienced coming into the marriage?

 

[KendalMintcake]

At first I thought, maybe this is my wife venting here! Then I saw you said he never give affection. I give plenty of affection and receive not much in return. I feel like my wife actually wants me to bug off - as though I hug her too much. She absolutely never just hugs me unless it is a customary situation, ie, leaving for the day etc. I occasionally get to the point where I think why bother - she is non-responsive anyway. I try to ask her to tell me how to please her and she just gets annoyed that I can't find that right spot. She doesn't really even try, only a few times I recall her actually getting into it (sex). I can count on my had the number of times she initiated (about 3 times) in about the same length relationship as you.

So, just a question, are you at all cold towards him? Think about if you go up to him and give him hugs and kisses and say 'I love you' totally unsolicited? You probably do, but, just asking the question anyway.

He is probably like my wife, kind of uninterested in initiating anything. Prefers to roll up into a cocoon of protection in bed most nights, will sometimes fling my hand away even though she knows darn well I am just caressing with no plans to 'pounce'. I've deduced that it has much to do with her upbringing - a very emotionally alienated child receiving no love or affection. Affection to some people is overbearing for them. The feel safer in isolation. They feel threatened by physical advances, uncomfortable when embraced. I think she feels completely frightened of any feeling of desire as though having desire is a loss of control or something. It is therefore suppressed and us spouses have to just effing live with it and it is especially hard if you have kids too. Ie, you want to stick around for them but feel like looking elsewhere for that important feeling of being loved unconditionally.

Ok, rant over. Have you thought about why he is the way he is? That might help you get to the root of the problem. You can ask someone to act out affection especially if it something they fear or avoid for whatever underlying reasons.

I'm very sorry you feel this way. It is horrible - that lonely feeling and it really sucks when the person who can (and should) fill that void is oblivious. At least you didn't mention that he becomes aggressive if and when you bring it up. My wife gets aggressive and attacks if I bring it up - it is as though she is under fire even asking a question such as 'why don't you ever hug me'. I know if I mutter those 6 words, she will go off the deep end and by the time she is done, I am the enemy, the aggressor, the reason she is the way she is. She feels much better once she has ripped me a new one, she has identified and validated her insecurities by the time she has nothing more to say. I'm the bad guy. I'm the cause of it all and I am to blame. She loves to hear apologies and once even told me after I said I'm sorry and I feel bad, she told me 'good, I'm glad to hear you feel bad'.

I've heard her tell other people 'I hope you feel bad'. How does one ever help a person in this position. My conclusion, it's pretty much impossible. Maybe best to leave them alone, let them go on and figure it out themselves - and I say this as a nice way, otherwise, pandering to them only reinforces the twisted logic by which they live. It's really quite sad. In the big picture you see that childhood abuse reaches across generations and into other families even. It is insidious and it completely sucks to be subject to this.

Good luck and post any progress or efforts to progress so that others can learn...

 

[Ausflower]

Beachguy

Thanks for your positive thoughts

 

[Itsjustmehere]

Im really sorry about ur situation.. But I know what ur going through.. I've been married for 8 years and I have done everything in my power to keep her sexually satisfied. However I dont remember the time when my wife has ever initiated sex but I do remember zillions of excuses she made to avoid sex. For her - anything is better than sex!! Its been almost 10 moths now and still counting !!

 

[Ausflower]

Canadianguy

Thanks also for your thoughts

I'm not sure why I blame myself, I never thought my life would be like this.
In the last 6 years or so I can't remember turning my husband down for sex ( while I was breast feeding my two children things were a little different ) Even though he is lousy in bed it is the only intimacy I get.
For approx the last 2 years I have been the one to instigate sex 90% of the time. It gets a bit sad.

 

[Ausflower]

Kendalmintcake

I think you might be onto something with his upbringing, one of the reasons I thought we needed MC was that I didn't want my kids to be like this when they get older.
My H parents never show any affection to each other or to their children.

Thanks and good luck to you too.

 

[Ausflower]

Itsjustmehere

Our longest stint was 6 months, I could hardly contain myself. I had been waiting for him and nothing was happening so one night I just told him enough was enough and we were having sex and that was that. I don't want to be the dominant but I can't wait for ever.
Sex is something that feels amazing I just don't know why some people don't want to do it. Everything is always better afterwards.

I hope it gets better for you too.

Cheers

 

[Itsjustmehere]

Canadianguy

Thanks also for your thoughts

I'm not sure why I blame myself, I never thought my life would be like this.
In the last 6 years or so I can't remember turning my husband down for sex ( while I was breast feeding my two children things were a little different ) Even though he is lousy in bed it is the only intimacy I get.
For approx the last 2 years I have been the one to instigate sex 90% of the time. It gets a bit sad.

Yes it is very depressing when the intimacy and sex is not there... I do hope things get better at your end. God Bless !!

 

[IsGirl3]

I feel for you. Never had an orgasm during marriage? Can you achieve an orgasm on your own? Your husband is lucky that you initiate 90% of the time. I wonder why you initiate so much if there's nothing in it for you? Wifely duty? I know it's so hard to talk to the husband about his sexual inadequacies. I'm in the same boat (although I do orgasm about 25% of the time) and I don't saying anything to my H that I want more/better sex because I don't want to make him feel bad, but I'm beginning to think that that time should be over and I should be more demanding (in a nice way) and wanting more from sex, since most of the time I'm thinking of a million other things besides that act at hand, since it's so darn boring for me. Do you have to lubricate yourself (like me) since you're giving and not getting?

 

[KendalMintcake]

Im really sorry about ur situation.. But I know what ur going through.. I've been married for 8 years and I have done everything in my power to keep her sexually satisfied. However I dont remember the time when my wife has ever initiated sex but I do remember zillions of excuses she made to avoid sex. For her - anything is better than sex!! Its been almost 10 moths now and still counting !!

10 years and counting - holy crap! So sorry man. You are probably the nicest guy on the planet cuz way I see it the nicer you are the worse it is. My max is just shy if a year. I am now into month 5 and don't even care anymore - why because I know that I would go that long if I didn't initiate and just just tells me that my hand is more affectionate and concerned for my needs. Even a watermelon would show more consideration because it would avoid me if I tried to bang it.

I replied mostly because of you mention if 'excuses'. I wonder if you also notice this...I have observed that anytime we have time off from kids - a night alone, the sicknesses start to creep in around 7 or 8 pm like clockwork. I have almost preemptively gone out and bought medicines and presented them and said 'for when you get sick tonight because I know that being alone with me sickens you'. What's more depressing and ego crushing is that she has no clue how bad it hurts a person because she must know I am not that stupid so it is also insisting to my intelligence that she can so consistently get sick every single time.

Here are the excuses. Usually it is 'oh the food made me sick', that combined with headache about 20% of the time. Once in a while it is another (second) mysterious period in the month. Being tired is up there. Broken vagina is a good one - ie. bladder hurts. Then if all else fails and she gives in, she'll remind me that I am a complete horndog turn over and watch tv making me feel like an animal. One time after she complained so much I kindly stopped and cited her displeasure as the reason. She turned around with a look of disgust and and called me (and I quote) 'you are a f#^%ing a-hole'.

That is not really fun at all and frankly I don't even want it anymore. Sometimes it infuriates me that I am subject to this and feel it is abuse...
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[KendalMintcake]

Kendalmintcake

I think you might be onto something with his upbringing, one of the reasons I thought we needed MC was that I didn't want my kids to be like this when they get older.
My H parents never show any affection to each other or to their children.

Thanks and good luck to you too.

I am not surprised in the least that you mention his parents being like that. To him affection is something that he avoids like the plague. It is uncomfortable and threatens to overpower him. By avoiding it he retains control of his feelings and he is afraid of loss of control. That is what is so good about sex. It is the ultimate loss of control of your feelings. So probably like my wife, during any rare occasion that you do get intimate I'll bet he is not loving in the process - ie won't look at you in the eyes or express pleasure. It's sort of like the way most people throw their arms up on a roller coaster to further enhance the feeling of freedom of flight, whereas others clamp down and grasp, curl up and wish it were over for the whole ride. They know the roller coaster is not going to crash but feel as though it will anyway and thus, do not elect to get back in line thinking can't wait to get home to my protective cave. It's sad for them. Unfortunately for us we are passengers in their journey. There is no way they want to address the problem because they are also carrying the burden of having broken you in the process, so the steps to recovery are overwhelmingly huge. So long as it is swept under the rug, everything is dandy. I know that isn't too encouraging but seems to help me I I understand the reasons behind it all...
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Plan 9 from OS]

So the biggest issue is that he shows zero emotion to you and the kids. It also sounds like he has a low libido too. When you do have sex, does he try to please you but simply fails or does he not even bother to try to please you at all?

 

[appletree]

That sounds like a deep seating issue. Marriage counselling can help but I would trial out several counsellors first. Maybe it is better that your husband makes therapy on his own. It might as well be that you need a lot of counselling, you cannot hope that after 3 seccions yout problems dissolve. But they might improve after a year or so, meanwhile you can try to make changes yourself.

 

[Ausflower]

When you do have sex, does he try to please you but simply fails or does he not even bother to try to please you at all?

Thanks Plan 9 from OS

Hubby just doesn't please me at all. I know he cares about me and I have tried to show/tell him what I like but he still comes up short.

Cheers

 

[Ausflower]

Islandgirl3

Thanks for your reply, I can orgasm by myself but not with H. I really enjoy sex even though H is not great. It is the only time he shows me any affection.
Cheers

 

[WyshIknew]

It's unfortunate about your problem Ausflower.

How old are you both, is he very young?

Exactly how is he poor in bed?

Is it merely staying power? Because I will admit that I was inexperienced when I met my wife and was on a hair trigger, not quite PE but nearly. This could not have been very fulfilling for her.

However I made it my purpose to improve, find out what she liked, improve my staying power, sometimes just do what I liked.

Perhaps he just doesn't care. Sounds bad to say that but it is possible. Have you had him checked for hormone levels?

If it is merely lasting longer there are techniques you can use to help him.

 

[Ausflower]

His lasting is not really a problem, more the technique !
I only feel 25 but I am 41 and H is 43.
The last few nights I have been really trying to encourage him to try something new but it's like banging your head on a brick wall.
I do think his sex drive is low, I would like to have sex every night +
He told me tonight that I am too obsessed with sex.
And to answer your question "how poor is he" I've never had an orgasm with him in the 16 we have been together.
Thanks for your reply

 

[WyshIknew]

His lasting is not really a problem, more the technique !
I only feel 25 but I am 41 and H is 43.
The last few nights I have been really trying to encourage him to try something new but it's like banging your head on a brick wall.
I do think his sex drive is low, I would like to have sex every night +
He told me tonight that I am too obsessed with sex.
And to answer your question "how poor is he" I've never had an orgasm with him in the 16 we have been together.
Thanks for your reply

Well I'm 56, hope it doesn't sound like bragging (tough if it does) but I will still go every night, although I do prefer some nights off, it lets me build up my passion bank.
We sometimes, before we go upstairs will look at a sex position site and choose a position to try as part of our play. Would that perhaps get him 'going' and trying something new?

You've no doubt had all the advice and looked it up but the vanilla positions that do it for my wife are cowgirl (almost every time), reverse cowgirl, spooning (can get two or three O's)

And it's not always 'fantastic' sex it is very often just two people who love each other making love while locked in each others embrace.