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Pardon my candidness if you can.

I sit here mushing mini marshmallows between my gums and enjoying the spongy, processed sugar. Then I reach for the milk chocolate chips from my baking pantry, and I realize just how desperate I am to feel something. When I go numb, I gorge myself on the things that will put me in an early grave. I'm dying to get so wasted I can't see straight. I'd give anything to get inconceivably high. And oh man... if only I had some muscle relaxers... but i don't have any real access to any of those things. And, even if I did I couldn't actually bring myself to do that kind of damage. So I eat marshmallows at midnight while my "husband" snores away in our marital bed.

I'm pretty convinced at this point that I don't know the man I married. He lies to my face. He tries so hard to come up with stories and cover up his untruths... but I can see so clearly straight through him. He's somehow managed to find an old buddy again. They're meeting up to have sex tomorrow. For which my "husband" will be paid. That's a whole other factor in his bed of lies. But his story to me is that he's working on some guy's computer. Oh the look of panic on his face whenever he tries to come up with a story on the spot. It's actually become quite humorous. Our life is so blatantly a sham. And, until I have the strength to remove myself from this situation and be OK with that decision, I have to keep my mouth shut. If that is the kind of man he is, then so be it. I'm not going to try to stop him anymore. I mean, if my husband is gay then he's gay. There is no turning back. Perhaps he should find a woman that can give him the open relationship he obviously pines for. I cannot do that. He hasn't wanted to have sex with me since a few months after we were married. I'm sure I'm the screwed up ***** that pushed him away. I'm so familiar with that story. The thing that probably makes it true now is that I no longer care what he wants. If he wants to have sex with men then I hope he finds the sugar daddy he needs and wants. Truth is he hasn't wanted me in years. Actions prove this, not speculation or resentment.

My finger massager is man enough for me right now. Honestly-- at least I get it the way I want it, and I don't have to pat it on the head and say "good job" afterwards. I've had my fill of males for a while.

Don't worry, bitterness isn't going to be my way of life forever. I really have no stomach for lies, and I cannot live one for very long. I can be disillusioned for years, but actually knowing is something completely different. I now know.

Here's to honesty and the only place it exists: anonymity.
 

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Well ain't that something. Doesn't he know that even if he's gay it's infidelity?

How long have you been married?

So how soon are you going to divorce this guy? Have seen an attorney and started your exit strategy/plan?
 

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I sit here mushing mini marshmallows between my gums and enjoying the spongy, processed sugar. Then I reach for the milk chocolate chips from my baking pantry, and I realize just how desperate I am to feel something. When I go numb, I gorge myself on the things that will put me in an early grave. I'm dying to get so wasted I can't see straight. I'd give anything to get inconceivably high. And oh man... if only I had some muscle relaxers... but i don't have any real access to any of those things. And, even if I did I couldn't actually bring myself to do that kind of damage. So I eat marshmallows at midnight while my "husband" snores away in our marital bed.
Being a fatty is probably more dangerous and unattractive than being a drug addict, depending on the drug. I've been on prescription antidepressants for years and I look better than I did when I first started taking them.


If that is the kind of man he is, then so be it. I'm not going to try to stop him anymore. I mean, if my husband is gay then he's gay. There is no turning back. Perhaps he should find a woman that can give him the open relationship he obviously pines for.
This is what we get for living in a country that hates gays. In an ideal world, gayness would be completely 100% accepted by society, and people like you wouldn't get jerked around like this. Gay men and women often have straight marriages as a cover, and someone ends up getting lied to.
 

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what do you need to be able to leave this situation? financial resources? personal resolve? physical assistance moving?
 

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I love your avatar. And I hope you really do live long and prosper. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I hope your post proved cathartic.
 
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