[SCLady]

I have been married for 14 years and we have three kids together. The same issues come up in our marriage about once a year. It is like we temporarily fix the problem only for it to come back again next year.

The problem we have is he is fine with the way things are as long as we are having sex. I have trouble with the sexual relationship when I don't feel like I have an emotional connection with him. We don't communicate very well at all. We have nothing in common other than our kids. I don't feel like I can talk to him without feeling like a child. He makes me feel incompetent or stupid. He doesn't feel like I will be happy no matter what.

In the last few years that these issues have come up I have considered separation. My trouble is he feels like what I am asking for is for him to change. I feel like communication and spending time together is important but he doesn't find it crucial to our relationship. He makes me question whether or not I am being realistic as to how a marraige should be. Am I?

I feel like I have given to this marriage all that I have. I often have sex when I don't want to to make him happy. Most days when I make a decision or do something it is with the question in the back of my mind, "How will he feel or what will he want?" I don't make decisions about our home because he will come back with his being better or not like my thoughts regarding it.

Overall he is not a bad "person" but I am questioning whether or not we are right together? Do I wait it out until our kids are grown and moved on to see whether or not we have any sort of relationship? More often than not he is watching tv in the living room or in the garage and I am dealing with the kids or in the bedroom. We don't talk, we don't spend time together just me and him. I just don't know what to do any more...

 

[Chris Taylor]

Have you gone to marriage counseling? I wouldn't separate until you have at least tried that.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

We don't communicate very well at all. We have nothing in common other than our kids. I don't feel like I can talk to him without feeling like a child. He makes me feel incompetent or stupid. He doesn't feel like I will be happy no matter what.

My trouble is he feels like what I am asking for is for him to change. I feel like communication and spending time together is important but he doesn't find it crucial to our relationship. He makes me question whether or not I am being realistic as to how a marraige should be. Am I?

I'm not real sure whether you're complaining about his communication style or asking for more of the communication of the same communication you don't like

 

[rj700]

I have been married for 14 years and we have three kids together. The same issues come up in our marriage about once a year. It is like we temporarily fix the problem only for it to come back again next year.

The problem we have is he is fine with the way things are as long as we are having sex.

He is fine because his needs are being met. Yours are not. Has it truly been this way for the entire 14 years? I agree with Chris, counseling is the way to go. If he won't agree, then he needs a wake-up call, which would be a separation. How old are the kids?

Do I wait it out until our kids are grown and moved on to see whether or not we have any sort of relationship?

Sorry to be blunt, I don't see any chance of that if he's not willing to work on it now.

 

[SCLady]

Thanks for everyones response...

@Ten_Year_Hubby. I am not complaining or atleast not trying to. I am at a loss as to why after 14 years of marriage that I am still asking for an emotional connection. I do not want my marriage to fail but I am questioning whether I am asking for something that is realistic or not and I was looking for feedback from other married peers that may be able to assist me to know whether others have a missing emotional connection or issues communicating with their spouses.

 

[Emerald]

When you try to communicate with him, he treats you badly, makes you feel stupid so you give up right?

Do you think he is:

a bully?
controlling?
verbally abusive?

 

[Shiksa]

One of the guidelines you will see frequently here is that a marriage needs 15 hours of time spent together; not watching tv, but together, talking spending time. Do you guys do date nights?

Sounds like he takes you for granted and doesn't "date" you anymore. Like most women, you have responsive desire, and he isn't trying. Does he do any of the things he did to win you when you were dating?