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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband of 2 years and I have been going through tough times since we married. We had to relocate to another State when he lost his job so that he could start his new job. I have no family or friends in this new State, they are all overseas (where I grew up) and I have lost my child (from a previous marriage).
I was depressed for a year over the loss of my child, I felt less than a woman and it's like getting your heart and limbs ripped out. I was, I admit suicidal at the time. no longer though. I went to counseling and on medication. I am no longer on meds, I dont like the way they make me feel (not myself) and I am no longer going to counseling, he couldn't bring my baby back....I realized I had to deal with this myself. I am however finding that my husband holds deep resentment for the year of hell I put him through, I don't deny I was so completely at a loss. I'm finding him now distant and cold. He no longer sees me as the person I used to be, he puts me down, calls me names such as : ****, ***** (I'd never cheat on him) , idiot, narcissist, using him for sex, using him for his money, and so on. I've been through terrible heart ache. I know it affected him too, he felt helpless. I told him I knew it was hard on him also. He's a good man and works hard every day, but it's gotten to the point where I feel his work is his refuge away from me. Loosing my child made me feel very insecure about the woman I am, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that it was not my fault and I am still young at 39, I still have a life ahead of me and need to be happy and strong again. Now that I've crawled out of my hole, I find my husband is not longer 'in lust with me' (his words) and he does no longer enjoy going out on dates or in public with me. The reason is that for that terrible year, I felt less than a woman and was terribly insecure. I worried incessantly that he was attracted to other women. It's hard to explain but when you lose your child, you feel worthless. I have always been honest and I told him how I felt and that I never was insecure until I lost my baby. He is 53 and was single for a decade. He loves younger women and though he's made a huge effort to stop his ogling in my presence, it's a work in progress, though he tells me he's completely over it. Now that I'm gaining my confidence back, I am finding he's still expecting the 'depressed ' me and I don't know what to do anymore. We went out to dinner the other night and had a great time so I thought. Dinners are few and far between these days as he and I have both given up trying in that department because it always leads to heartache. He told me he didn't enjoy going out with me anymore because he's always afraid I'll give him crap about looking at other women. There were no other women there that night! Instead, the younger male waiter said to him "you have a beautiful woman, your a very lucky man"...! So I'm at a loss... We've been through so much. I love him with all my heart and he tells me he loves me. We just can't get past the terrible year we've had. I feel he believes the grass is greener on the other side. I suppose I don't blame him.

I need advice from you all. What can I do to keep my husband in love with me? He's pushing me away. We used to have a torrid love life and now it's once a week or every two weeks at best and only after he's watched a hot movie or something like that. He loves TV. He goes right to the tv when he comes home and it's his fantasy land... Yet I believe in reality. I am what is real. I feel so alone. I'm very sexual and need sex to feel closer to him (is that wrong?) but I find he shuts down and turns his back to me most of the time. I need communication and I find he shuts down there too, or we end up arguing which we both hate because it gets us no where. I've tried to discuss what I'm feeling but he shuts me out and either doesn't talk or yells over the top of me, it's like he refuses to acknowledge my needs as his wife.

We are both pretty strong personalities. We are both stubborn too. I believe he still loves me, but how to get him out of his shell? He also accused me of 'taking him away from his friends'. Those are the people he would meet at a bar when he was single...he slept with one of them (that I know of). I let him know that it was not my kind of crowd (do you ladies hang out with women your man has slept with?) but he takes offense and blames me for ruining his 'social life'. To be honest, he doesn't really have one. I've let him know that bar is not a place I feel comfortable going, but I've actually encouraged him to go there and he won't. Yet he'll blame me for his inability to do so. I don't get it.

It's almost as though he's missing his bachelor life...if that is the case, what on earth do I do?
 

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Sorry, but he's not a good man if he's calling you names. You 're grieving and depressed and a year is understandable. Maybe you two should try marriage counseling for a change? It might help to have a pro get you guys talking about the resentment issue a bit?
 

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I am sorry about the loss of your baby.

You can go to marriage counseling alone for yourself & to show him that you are serious about fixing the marriage.

He got used to the "depressed you." Instead of being thrilled that is wife is healthier, it is the opposite. I've actually been there & it is quite perplexing.

He is verbally abusive to you & even though you feel good now (not depressed) eventually, this will wear you down again.

I am going to suggest that you continue to get healthy & do things for yourself. Maybe less talking to him about "the marriage." Work on being the person he married & maybe he will start to come around again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank You Emerald for your excellent advice. It is true, the more I want to discuss our marriage, the more he withdraws, so the opposite might work!

I did let him know that I will not tolerate any more verbal put downs. I said " It's very disrespectful and if I treated you that way, how would you feel about it?"

I think the best thing for me to do if he ever tries to call me names again is just leave the room instead of getting angry and upset and confronting him about it which only makes things worse.

And yes, it's perplexing that he might be so accustomed to the 'depressed me' that he is not seeing the positive changes happening now that I'm recovering. I have noticed that men are creatures of habit though... all the ones I've known so far are anyway.
 

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I am sorry for what you went through....unimaginable.

Your husband is being selfish given your loss. He is lucky to have a wife by him. I am sorry but marriage is more than having your wife in the good times.

I don't think that you can make him become closer to you or want to work on the relationship. You can't make someone want anything.

However, you can become the best you with or without him. Make a decision to not focus on the marriage negatives since you can only change yourself and behaviors. Focus on what you have and what you can do to move forward.

Congratulations on taking a step out of the pits (depression) and seeing the light. Been there...
 

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Are you certain there is not someone else? Do some reading on the common signs of cheating and see if it fits any of his behavior. He is picking fights, critiquing you, being very cruel and not having sex. Something does not smell right.

If you looked at men your own age what would he think? Suppose you began to extol the merits of having a man your own age and not a man nearing 60? Why don't you try giving him a little of his own medicine. You are actually in a better position to find someone new for a LTR than he is. He is getting too old to begin anew looking for someone as good as you.

You are being much too kind and forgiving. No matter how bad the last year was, if he loved you he would have been there. He would also rejoice that you have found your way back to health. What he is doing is unforgivable. You are not calling him on it, why?

Your husband is not a good man. I think you are in a state of denial. Look at things clearly. Do you think that a good man who loves you would make your life so miserable after the trauma that you have been through?

You are being dragged down by a selfish, cruel and insecure man. Is he worth all of that trouble? You are 39yo. He is lucky at his age to have someone so much younger than him if he likes young girls so much. Does he really think any of these young girls would have anything to do with a selfish, ill tempered 53 yo man?
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your husband is no longer the nice loving man who you married. he has changed to be an ugly, mean, uncaring, loud, selfish, man who shuts you up and shuts you out. you can have some more patience with him since you love him with all your heart, but if this continues and he continues to treat you so poorly, then your love is misguided. he does not seem to love you with all his heart because this is not how you treat people you love with all your heart.

He blames you because he misses his bachelor days? He can either go with you to marriage counseling or shape up, because if he doesn't, you should "free" him to enjoy his bachelor days once again. You sound young and beautiful. you don't deserve this guy. you deserve someone who loves and respects you and is there for you thick and thin. it's not this guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'd like to say I am new to this site but I'm so glad I found it! You Ladies are wonderful and it's so comforting to know I have people out there to talk to, people who understand and/or have been through what you've been through. Thank You ladies.

Corpuswife: Yes, getting out of depression is not easy, huge personal battle. Even harder if the ones around you aren't there to support and much harder if you don't have family and friends to fall back on. Feels great though when you know you are crawling back out of that deep black hole and those terrible moment when you wish you'd rather be dead no longer happen :)

and I agree "marriage is more than having your wife in the good times" I wish we could remind our husbands of this somehow? They seem to forget quite often.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Catherine602 and IslandGirl3: I agree, no he's not being a nice husband, yes, he's being selfish and I believe it's because we are married and he believes I have no one to go to for help and no where to go. Well, he's right, but only to a point. I told him that if he continued the verbal abuse I was prepared to move out to an apartment, in fact, I printed out a rental advert near by and gave the info to him. I said I was going to check it out and asked him to come too if he wanted. I got silence as a response. My behaving less 'needy' of marriage support reinforcement from him is turning things around quite a bit! I have already begun to take a step back, I am no longer seeking his input and justification on our marriage issues. I am no longer reacting when he does check out another woman in front of me, instead, I'm pretending I no longer care because I'm focused on myself, not him, hopefully soon I won't care at all. Isn't it sad though, that here I was, a woman so in love with him and he's turning me into someone who needs to be more guarded with my heart... So far, it's working for me pretty well and he's been noticing my more aloof behavior, he's not saying anything of course. He's actually been nice for a change! Brought some flowers to apologize for the name calling. Don't you think it's sad that we have to behave as though we don't need them in order to get their attention? Are all men like this?

No signs of an affair, but the ogling at other women is bad enough! It's a very bad habit of his. He tells me "I'm just a man", that's his excuse...! so I have decided "well, I'm just a woman" and I'm now checking out guys on tv and in read life when I never even felt the need because I was in love! This is only another way for me to play on a level playing field in my marriage. Who knows what the future might bring.
 

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Hi Monet,

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my son to cancer going on six years ago, after a three-year battle. So, I do know how that feels.

I noticed you said you put your husband through "a year of hell". What exactly does that mean? Did you only focus on your child and have rough emotional times (which is excusable)? Or, did you lash out at him or otherwise actively mistreat him?

If you just were distant and unavailable for that year, then yeah he's a tool and you need to think about leaving.

But, if you abused him out of anger and frustration, then his reaction is understandable. Because, if you did then you created a situation that impacted him doubly - you were dealing with your daughter's illness, and he would be dealing with her illness and your mistreatment of him.

My recommendation: look back over the period since your child became ill. If you lashed out at or otherwise mistreated him, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and resolve to restore his confidence in you. What you say is "I'm sorry for how I treated you. You were strong for me and my child, and you did not deserve that. It won't happen again". And give it time.

Two more points: one, people tend to minimize the man's pain in situations like these. I personally have seen people say "it hurts worse when you're the mother", which is untrue. It depends on your individual make-ups and the other situational factors.

Two, don't assume his step-parent status tempered his pain. You said it impacted him greatly also. I think a decent guy would be greatly impacted by a child in his daily life going through a fatal illness.

If you treat him as hurting less or expect him to be a rock of support while you struggle, you are denying the reality of his pain and are risking generating exactly the type of resentment which you seem to be seeing.
 

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i have been with my husband for 8 years not sure how to help him anymore, cause the only thing he like to do every month is drugs:mad: he had took everything from me all the stuff that i have worked for need some advice what to do, including my jewlry and etc, he had been in every treatment that it is, he had been locked up and he is very verbal abusive to me, calling name like stupid and dumb so that make me feel very low, i really need some advice, for the past four weeks he been hanging out with his buddies, so i feel that i do my thing and he do his thing, sometimes i dont feel like coming home it is a dread for me every day, sometime he sleep in bed but most of the time he on the couch, few months ago he had got shot up, and right now he not able to work, but he do get money every month, but it do not comes into the house at all, i need to know half of me love me, but the few months he had never said that he love me so i feel that he probably dont, but i feel that he love the drug more than he love me, and on the other hand i have a 18 son that was staying with us but he had got mad at him and locked him out but my son refuse to live there under those conditions, he always running to his parents and i know he only telling one portion of the truth, but i know cause the reply that i get this is dad said more power to you i had did some much for my husband but he keep taking stuff out of the house for his urges any advice will be helpful right now im not really talking to him that much, but he dont understand im tired of living like this i wish he can stop what he doing.:mad:
 

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i be trying to make him happy but he seem he dont want that that is just my thought, he is already unhappy not sure it is worse from the shot wound or is he depressed i have already told him what i want for him to go left and me go right, i just want to make sure im not doing the right things for all concerned :mad: all i ever want is to happy, some days i dont even want to go home at all cause it is very depressing to go any advice will help any way but in real life he is still unhappy always texting and thinking crazy things :mad:
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi Monet,

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my son to cancer going on six years ago, after a three-year battle. So, I do know how that feels.

I noticed you said you put your husband through "a year of hell". What exactly does that mean? Did you only focus on your child and have rough emotional times (which is excusable)? Or, did you lash out at him or otherwise actively mistreat him?

My recommendation: look back over the period since your child became ill. If you lashed out at or otherwise mistreated him, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and resolve to restore his confidence in you. What you say is "I'm sorry for how I treated you. You were strong for me and my child, and you did not deserve that. It won't happen again". And give it time.

Two more points: one, people tend to minimize the man's pain in situations like these. I personally have seen people say "it hurts worse when you're the mother", which is untrue. It depends on your individual make-ups and the other situational factors.

Two, don't assume his step-parent status tempered his pain. You said it impacted him greatly also. I think a decent guy would be greatly impacted by a child in his daily life going through a fatal illness.

If you treat him as hurting less or expect him to be a rock of support while you struggle, you are denying the reality of his pain and are risking generating exactly the type of resentment which you seem to be seeing.
Dear DTO: Thank You for your post, and I'm sorry for your loss also, no one can know how it feels to loose a child until it happens. I don't wish it on anyone.

It is comforting however, knowing there are others (albeit few) who have been through the same trauma and understand the pain we go through. At first I felt all alone, but after a year or so, I've met a couple of women who've been through the same ordeal. This helps immensely.

You know, I believe you hit the nail on the head. My husband was the only one I had for support and to turn to. My family is not in this Country and we relocated recently because he lost his job and found another in a new State. So I do not know many people in this new place of residence. He has been a rock in this time of need. Now that I find myself crawling out of the hole I was in and seeing daylight again, I'm finding he is not the man he used to be, he is more distant and said he has no emotion for me anymore, but that he still loves me. He might be depressed? I don't know. I feel he's no longer there for me.

You said "give it time", this makes much sense as it took me a year to get over my grief and you never fully recover, it's something you learn to live with. So I imagine he needs just as long to recover from his ordeal? I think what hurt him the most was watching me hit rock bottom. It changed his view on who i am and I'm worried he'll never see me the same again, not in a good light anyway...
And yes, I did think he was hurting less because she was not his child and he only knew her for 3 years. Maybe I was wrong to assume he was hurting less.

I did apologize for everything, all the pain I put him through. I don't think it makes any difference at this point because he's not seeing me any more favorably.

There are two things I do begrudge him however which live with us everyday: one is his womanizing ways which he claims I 'imagine, or over react' yet his ex wife had issues with it too and so did past girlfriends, so I know it's not just me, though I am no longer secure about our marriage as a consequence. The other is the lack of sexual intimacy we now have in comparison to when we first met. I need this to feel closer to him and I would have thought he needed it too, but it doesn't look like it. Maybe I need to let those things go for now?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
i have been with my husband for 8 years not sure how to help him anymore, cause the only thing he like to do every month is drugs:mad: he had took everything from me all the stuff that i have worked for need some advice what to do, including my jewlry and etc, he had been in every treatment that it is, he had been locked up and he is very verbal abusive to me, calling name like stupid and dumb so that make me feel very low, i really need some advice, for the past four weeks he been hanging out with his buddies, so i feel that i do my thing and he do his thing, sometimes i dont feel like coming home it is a dread for me every day, sometime he sleep in bed but most of the time he on the couch, few months ago he had got shot up, and right now he not able to work, but he do get money every month, but it do not comes into the house at all, i need to know half of me love me, but the few months he had never said that he love me so i feel that he probably dont, but i feel that he love the drug more than he love me, and on the other hand i have a 18 son that was staying with us but he had got mad at him and locked him out but my son refuse to live there under those conditions, he always running to his parents and i know he only telling one portion of the truth, but i know cause the reply that i get this is dad said more power to you i had did some much for my husband but he keep taking stuff out of the house for his urges any advice will be helpful right now im not really talking to him that much, but he dont understand im tired of living like this i wish he can stop what he doing.:mad:
rcgray60: you have a big problem. A problem you can only fix one way. You've already tried everything and you are right to feel that your husband cares more about his drugs than you: He does. Drug addiction is only something he can stop on his own and only if he wants to. You will never ever be able to change his mind or change his ways. Look at your history so far with him, are you prepared to stay and live another 10 years of this? 20 years? He will ruin you.

You are lucky. You have a job, you earn money and can support yourself. Get a lawyer (important, will protect your assets from him) and get divorced as quickly as you can.

No matter how old you are, you'll be surprised how easy it is to find a friend or partner in this age of internet. You can start to meet people in groups which interest you, anything from dancing to cooking!

You are still relentlessly in love with him, but he does not deserve you or anyone while he is a drug addict.

Getting yourself a lawyer is also very important for the following reason: If it's your house, you need to get a lawyer to help you get your husband out, he will not make it easy and he will refuse to leave but a lawyer can help with this. If it's not your house, you might have right to a share or half of it having been married to him for so long, so please don't think you can deal with this without a lawyer, the money spent now on legal advice will help you save much more in the long run!

Your husband will manage fine, you can let him know that when he is clean and can prove he has not taken any drugs for 2 years, then you might consider taking him back. But he needs to clean his act up first. During this time, you need to make it clear that you want no contact. You cannot let him stay with you 'from time to time', this won't work. He might get off the drugs, he might never, but you should not live your life catering to his needs. You deserve to be happy and come home to your house and feel secure and safe!!
 
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