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Marriage trouble help

4986 Views 147 Replies 23 Participants Last post by  Jimi007
Ok so my wife and I have been married for bout 2 years now,we had a fight about her male coworker freind,the reason ,my wife is a truck driver,the OM is a truck driver they got close because she trained him when he got hired on.they have known each other for about a year,the first memory I have of this man is my wife told me he got water on her and said infront of the other guy she was training look I got her wet.i let that go and she told me when it happened. Well the devolved a friendship and she has to take phone calls from him and others who need help.a little while goes by and OM invites my wife to have sausage and basically a dinner ,she tells me and at this point I don't really have a problem yet.well he says hey she has my sausage in her mouth and she likes it.this same joke is said many times for about a month I put up with it but he kept on saying it,in front of me while me my wife and him are on 3 way,my wife is a truck driver so she is not home a lot so we talk on the phone a lot and sometimes her freinds join the phone call that's fine.so I tell her that it's passing me off and making me feel uncomfortable, she says it's innocent and how he is but she will ask him to cut it out,well that goes fine for about a month he says the same joke the same way again,finally I say he man that don't sit well with me I feel uncomfortable can u cut it out not trying to be a d?&#.he said sorry ok,my wife and I agreed if he can't control himself and respect me then he has to go,we agreed.the other night he gets in her truck and there is a female trainie on the truck he says to me did you get pictures ?I said what!?he says did you get video?I didnt say anything didn't get mad.well long story short it didn't go well cause I brought it up and it caused a fight because she said it was the wrong time and she has a student on her truck.i screwed up and kept on wanting to know why she never says anything to him ?she gets quiet when the jokes are being told fyi no one's laughing but him.so the common thing is my wife is in every joke in some kind of sexual situation. I told her he gotta go,but she got so mad I am speaking to her with calm voice did not accuse her of a affair she asked if I was I said no,she yelled at me during the convo called me a asshole said it was the dumb thing how I was acting about it,mind u I haven't called names yelled or even raised my voice.i asked her to tell him they can't talk anymore because of the jokes.she made me do it so I did I asked dude straight up if he wanted to have sex with my wife.of course he denied it I pulled the dirty cop and told him my wife told me everything fess up,he didnt.well she is really pissed I made her get rid of the OM.now she saying she needs time before she takes her home time.and no I didn't get a set time nor did I ask for one.am I in the wrong,I trust my wife ,but that guy wouldn't stop.it hurts me that it feels like she is taking this guys side over our marriage. Help plz.edit*I will say that our fight did happen while she was at work with her female student on the truck ,the next day I did text her but I wanted his number so I could have the conversation that she didn't want to do.she picks up the phone,and yells so loud from inside the cab of the truck that the store she was unloading at called hr.that really pissed her off,she got probation for 6 months and she can't use her phone while she is driving.she used that as the fact of why she is mad. *edit thank you all this is a really good community you guys helped so much you don't even know,if we get divorced or stay together you guys have been very kind.
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I never hit,or abused her in anyway.i haven't even yelled or called her a name, she has been doing all that.
Does this mean that she has been hitting you, yelling, and calling you names? If so, please move on from her. No one deserves to be treated like this. No one. Your kid shouldn't see this and learn that this behavior is ok.

All signs point to your wife having an inappropriate relationship with this man. As a woman, I can understand trying to not make waves by calling out bad behavior if I were in a male dominated field, as I would just try to ignore to get by. However, what I cannot understand, is not saying something after someone said something again (particularly after my husband raised an alarm). Furthermore, going to his house is mindboggling. If I were uncomfortable with someone, the last thing I would do is engineer being with them more. The fact that they were meeting in what is virtually her bedroom is also concerning. This is just not how a woman who is uncomfortable with a man's sexual comments would behave.
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She just wants to spin it where it's not that bad.dude has been asked 3 times 2 times by her and both times it wasn't her idea to get on him and once by me.she defends him oh he is just like that.but never has told him to stop infront of me.
She shouldn't be defending him. His behavior is out of line. She is trying to manage you and your feelings, but what she should be doing is drawing a firm line with him. There is literally no defense for going to his house on Thanksgiving when she knows you are concerned about him. A loving wife who didn't want his attention would put your feelings first. Who gives a **** about turkey? I would place my husband's feelings above a serving of meat any day.

Ok, let's play her game for a second and say this dude is harmless. She isn't worried and such. If it is truly nothing, though, why does she have a problem stopping it? Why won't he stop?

She will continue to say that we just don't understand, that no one understands, but this is literally what people who are trying to wriggle out of accountability do. They cannot justify their actions (because those actions make no sense) and then fall back on "well, you all just don't understand."
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She said she don't see a problem with the jokes because she knows it's harmless and he is just that way,she said me and him should hang out so I cam get to know him so I can understand.
OP, it kind of doesn't matter that she doesn't think it is an issue. YOU do. It is not unreasonable for you to ask that she stops someone from making sexually suggestive comments. This is not an unreasonable request in any marriage. She should care about your feelings on this and want those comments to stop. From my perspective (with the caveat that I am not in her field of work), her lack of action on this and just trying to calm you down seems to suggest that a) she likes the attention and/or b) they have an inappropriate relationship. Neither of these things are good.

I don't think getting into a back and forth about this man's intentions will get you anywhere. It just isn't going to be productive. Instead, I think you should focus on her actions. If you set a boundary that she violated, that is all you need to know.
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The main thing at the moment is she is upset because her job got threatened and why I couldn't wait ,she said she told me to wait she is busy yes I did push the issue a little bit more then I should have,but it's the 3rd time this dude has made a comment like this,she said she didn't think I had a problem because I didn't say anything when it happened the last time.that I should of told him to cut it out.fyi she got on to him ,it happened again I got on to him then the sausage joke kept coming up over and over again and I had a 1 on 1 with my wife we agreed if he couldn't respect me as your spouse dude has to go.we agreed.then like I said it happened a couple of days ago which lead to the fight.yes I should of left her alone until a time was agreed on by both of us I let my emotions get the best of me.i am confused by how she insisted I should of Been the one who told him to kick rocks after the 2nd time I said it's your freind I feel it's your responsibility to tell that dude to kick rocks.idk feeling crazy rn.
What I see here is frustration at the situation that bubbled over. You were feeling as if you were spinning your wheels and there was no resolution. Yes, could you have waited to talk to her? Absolutely, but I would say it takes two to tango and she a) could have dealt with this before it reached a boiling point and b) she was the one who yelled. That is on her. If it were me, I would apologize for pushing the conversation at that time, but I would be darn sure not to accept blame for everything that transpired. She is responsible for her behavior, too.

You feel like you're crazy because she is gaslighting you. Gaslighting is where a person manipulates someone else to get them to question what they saw or experienced, it makes them question their own sanity.

She is a big girl. She should have told him to act professionally. She also should never have gone to his house on Thanksgiving or confided in him about your marriage. She is blurring the professional lines with someone who already is a concern.
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the affection dies down,we talk on the phone while she is driving convos are silent most of the time.i have to start a convo otherwise we just sit in silence same for when she comes home.
I'm sorry, my man. That sounds really hard. She sounds either tired, depressed, or disconnected (or all three). What does she do to nurture the marriage and show you that she cares?
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1.i want more affection and yes good passionate sex.2.i do not want anymore of the OM like this last guy,if those 2 things were took care of I feel my marriage would be perfect.
Before I dive in, let me just say that I want to see the best in people. I tend to root for people to solve their problems and believe that, if both people are committed, then that can happen.

That being said, I have a hard time seeing your wife's commitment to you in what you have shared. Your wife failed miserably with putting you first when dealing with this other guy. It isn't about what his intentions were. She showed you that she didn't care about your feelings. I cannot say whether she crossed the line into an affair or not, but she for sure didn't put you first and that isn't what a loving wife would do. Going over to his house for Thanksgiving is beyond over the line when she knew you would be concerned. I just cannot understand the level of disregard for your feelings.

Second, her overall lack of affection could be a symptom of her falling out of love or depression or whatever. You won't know unless she is honest with you. Her losing an ovary doesn't keep her from being affectionate (hand holding, butt slaps, loving caresses, etc.). If she did them before in your relationship, it makes sense to try to get to the bottom of why she isn't now. She needs to be committed to figuring this out (if it isn't an affair) because YOUR NEEDS MATTER, TOO! She should want to solve this to make your life happier. You aren't asking for the moon here. You are asking that she acts like a loving and devoted wife.
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They talked on the road on the phone sometimes I would be on the phone with her and he would keep on calling finally she would say hey can I put him on the line,after I got upset about the sausage remark,I have been put on hold for hrs on end sometimes and I mean she can lie and say it's whoever.so.
Could you clarify this: Are you saying that she put you on hold for hours to talk to him? If so, I cannot for the life of me think of an innocent reason for that behavior.

I understand you are in a tough position, and it is clear that you love her. If you want to try to reconcile with her, then you really need to know the full truth of what you are being asked to forgive. Otherwise, you are just rug sweeping and that will bite you in the butt in a few years.

Have you looked in her phone/devices? Don't warn her in advance, though, as she will delete like her life depended on it. If you find that she has been lying to you and she has cheated, you might want to think about whether you want to stay with someone who has cheated this early on in the relationship. That does not bode well. I would also be very cautious of sinking any more time into someone who lies.

Can you meet with a couple lawyers (many offer free consultations) to get a sense of where you might stand if she did anything that would cross your boundaries? Knowledge is power.
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