Marriage trouble help

4994 Views 147 Replies 23 Participants Last post by Jimi007, 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa

Ok so my wife and I have been married for bout 2 years now,we had a fight about her male coworker freind,the reason ,my wife is a truck driver,the OM is a truck driver they got close because she trained him when he got hired on.they have known each other for about a year,the first memory I have of this man is my wife told me he got water on her and said infront of the other guy she was training look I got her wet.i let that go and she told me when it happened. Well the devolved a friendship and she has to take phone calls from him and others who need help.a little while goes by and OM invites my wife to have sausage and basically a dinner ,she tells me and at this point I don't really have a problem yet.well he says hey she has my sausage in her mouth and she likes it.this same joke is said many times for about a month I put up with it but he kept on saying it,in front of me while me my wife and him are on 3 way,my wife is a truck driver so she is not home a lot so we talk on the phone a lot and sometimes her freinds join the phone call that's fine.so I tell her that it's passing me off and making me feel uncomfortable, she says it's innocent and how he is but she will ask him to cut it out,well that goes fine for about a month he says the same joke the same way again,finally I say he man that don't sit well with me I feel uncomfortable can u cut it out not trying to be a d?&#.he said sorry ok,my wife and I agreed if he can't control himself and respect me then he has to go,we agreed.the other night he gets in her truck and there is a female trainie on the truck he says to me did you get pictures ?I said what!?he says did you get video?I didnt say anything didn't get mad.well long story short it didn't go well cause I brought it up and it caused a fight because she said it was the wrong time and she has a student on her truck.i screwed up and kept on wanting to know why she never says anything to him ?she gets quiet when the jokes are being told fyi no one's laughing but him.so the common thing is my wife is in every joke in some kind of sexual situation. I told her he gotta go,but she got so mad I am speaking to her with calm voice did not accuse her of a affair she asked if I was I said no,she yelled at me during the convo called me a asshole said it was the dumb thing how I was acting about it,mind u I haven't called names yelled or even raised my voice.i asked her to tell him they can't talk anymore because of the jokes.she made me do it so I did I asked dude straight up if he wanted to have sex with my wife.of course he denied it I pulled the dirty cop and told him my wife told me everything fess up,he didnt.well she is really pissed I made her get rid of the OM.now she saying she needs time before she takes her home time.and no I didn't get a set time nor did I ask for one.am I in the wrong,I trust my wife ,but that guy wouldn't stop.it hurts me that it feels like she is taking this guys side over our marriage. Help plz.edit*I will say that our fight did happen while she was at work with her female student on the truck ,the next day I did text her but I wanted his number so I could have the conversation that she didn't want to do.she picks up the phone,and yells so loud from inside the cab of the truck that the store she was unloading at called hr.that really pissed her off,she got probation for 6 months and she can't use her phone while she is driving.she used that as the fact of why she is mad. *edit thank you all this is a really good community you guys helped so much you don't even know,if we get divorced or stay together you guys have been very kind.

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· #6 · 3 mo ago

OP, you need to remain firm with her about this. Either he’s gone (if she has that power) or she needs to find another job. There are many trucking companies looking for drivers out there….

She caused this situation with her shotty boundaries. You need to make sure she hears that loud and clear. You ignored it for a while and the POSOM just escalated this talk and she didn’t stop him. He’s doing it in front of other employees and she doesn’t stop him, and nobody is laughing but him, what does she think they think is going on? They think she is having an affair with him. Of course they do. You asked her to make him stop and she did, for about 30 days. You asked him to stop and he didn’t…. And this is her fault for not taking him in hand. He was her trainee for gods sake… she would have stopped him if she wanted to.

So, make all of the above clear to her. Then tell her you aren’t crazy about her coming back for her home time either. Tell her to stay away until she figures out what she wants - you, or him. And if she says it’s you she better be ready for some difficult conversations with you about this. It’s time to take control of this situation. You need to be in the drivers seat, which means you cannot back down. Be ready for that, because you have no choice. This is not the time to roll over, your marriage is in the balance. Show her you are a strong man that is not going to let some loser other man and your wife treat you like some sort of wimp. Find your anger, and don’t let it go.

Good luck. I’m sorry she is doing this to you.

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· #65 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
My gut says yes mayb not physical sex but mayb kiss or hugging. She messed up and said the first time we had problems she was stopped for the night and OM was arround and she called him over without tell me mind u her truck has a bed in the back,to discuss our marriage problems at that point he had said 2 of the 3 comments.i didn't find out about that till tonight.

I’m sorry OP, but it’s time to move on. She doesn’t put you and your relationship first, she clearly enjoys the attention of other men, she is away from home for days on end, and you will never trust her again. She is doing this with just two years married? Time to D and move on.

File and get the process started. You can always stop it if she gets her head out of her ass. You can do it.

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· #70 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
Well she got in big trouble at her trucking job for yelling at me because I needed to speak with her about situation, and a store she delivered at heard her yelling and called hr,at this point her anger is because I messed with her job.but I feel that she was in 100% control she didn't have to answer nothing until it was time.true or no

It’s another example of her not taking responsibility for her actions. She could have just hung up the phone. But she CHOSE to yell at you, she knows where she was, it’s all in her. Do not let her say different. She is making mistake after mistake, and doesn’t appear to be interested in changing what she is doing. This is really sad.

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· #73 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
Not calmly yelled ,I am not saying I couldn't of left her alone but this issue wasn't resolved ,and yes she said it was inappropriate,.

Do not accept her excuses or blame-shifting on this OP. She chose to yell at you while at a client location because she wanted to. You need to tell her that this was just another example of her poor choices getting her in trouble. Do not let her make excuses or blame you for this.

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· #84 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
The main thing at the moment is she is upset because her job got threatened and why I couldn't wait ,she said she told me to wait she is busy yes I did push the issue a little bit more then I should have,but it's the 3rd time this dude has made a comment like this,she said she didn't think I had a problem because I didn't say anything when it happened the last time.that I should of told him to cut it out.fyi she got on to him ,it happened again I got on to him then the sausage joke kept coming up over and over again and I had a 1 on 1 with my wife we agreed if he couldn't respect me as your spouse dude has to go.we agreed.then like I said it happened a couple of days ago which lead to the fight.yes I should of left her alone until a time was agreed on by both of us I let my emotions get the best of me.i am confused by how she insisted I should of Been the one who told him to kick rocks after the 2nd time I said it's your freind I feel it's your responsibility to tell that dude to kick rocks.idk feeling crazy rn.

OP, SHE could have hung up the phone. Or she could have been aware of her environment and not yelled at you. You wanting to have it out with her did not mean that she needed to do what she did. She yelled at you, in that environment, because she wanted to. Period.

Stop letting her make excuses or blame you for things like this. You need to shut that **** down every time. If you do not, it will continue, and get worse. Stop it.

Seriously, you have been married two short years. In that time she has pulled back on sex and affection, and is now doing something with this other guy. She is being disrespectful to you…. Her coworkers must think something sexual is going on, and she apparently doesn’t care. The disrespect is out of control. I don’t know why you are staying in this marriage. Really give all of this some thought.

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· #85 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
She said she feels she wasn't doing anything wrong and it was the OM that was doing it.

She wasn’t protecting your marriage. Full stop. Shut that talk of hers down every time.

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· #90 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
To be far to me and her iam 39years old she is arround the same age she had one of her overys removed, and her job is very physically and mentally demanding,so I kinda understand the low sex drive.but if you know tell does losing a overy like that kill wanting to hold my hand or loving on me?kissing me and not just pop kisses all the time?I never dealt with someone who has hormone problem.i try and it's always me reaching out or trying to tongue kiss,definitely me always asking for sex.

She is an adult. If she needs hormone replacement therapy she can get it. Or whatever else it might be, it’s up to her to care enough to not let her short, two year marriage go down the tubes to a dead bedroom, dearth of affection or EA/PA, or just lousy boundaries. It’s all on her.

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· #112 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
She needs hormones but can't take anything that raises her blood pressure.she drives a semi truck and unloads her own trailer. She and I are talking on the phone atm.it seems she wants to work it out,like I said I can't prove 100% that something physical happened,and fyi they sat up front in the cab to talk not on her bed in the back.she and I had a talk about medical help about the issue.she thinks it's hopeless and said if I can't then mayb I need to find someone else.

Don’t let her pull that BS with you OP…. This “woe is me” crap is designed to get you to feel bad for her and back off about her recent despicable behavior. Stay strong and hold firm to your boundaries.

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· #131 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
I did that's why when she drooped the D word I said I will file this week and she is not as hostile now ,calling me hunny again,asking am I going to still sleep in the bed with her cause she doesn't want her hunny sleeping on the couch.

Why would you sleep on the couch? Tell her she is the partner with **** boundaries, she’s sleeping on the couch. And mean it. This is what is meant by boundaries with consequences, OP. Stop backing down and stop allowing her to control the narrative.

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· #134 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
idk I never said that to her.its tough because her government job before this trained her to lie ,make the target believe that she is not a cop or a threat.so it's like being married to a CIA agent you understand and I am emotionally involved,but even after having the hard convo my gut is still saying the truth has not been said.

Well, either her training sucked or that was just another lie from her, because her lies are pretty transparent to all of us. You are being used. She is sleeping with sausage man, and he (and maybe both of them) are getting off on doing that right under your nose. You should be well on your way to D by now, but instead you are taking this abuse from her and her boyfriend. This is just awful to watch, OP.

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· #143 · 3 mo ago

Koopatroopa said:
She said she didn't do anything ,that OM was the one at fault because she physically and verbally didn't do anything.

And at a minimum that’s exactly what she is admitting she did wrong. She did not stand up for you and your marriage because she did nothing. Her inaction is certainly doing something wrong, and both you and she know it. But she also knows there was/is much more that she did, so maybe she feels like letting him say those things wasn’t a big deal because she also slept with him.

Dealing with this in a passive way is an enormous mistake OP. And it appears you are going to do that, and will likely deal with the consequences down the road.

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