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I'm new here and sought it out for help. We've seen a doctor for this about four times and neither of us feel like he's helping at all.

We've been married eight and a half years and been together for over 13. Sex has always been an issue for us, but the longer we're together, the more it's becoming more of an issue. The problem is that almost every time I would approach him for sex he would deny me. And perhaps he would only deny me for 20 minutes, but nonetheless he somehow indicated he was not interested. Almost like a mind game or a dominance issue... he would do it when he was ready, not when I wanted it. And it always seemed the more I wanted it, the quicker he was to deny, and that hurt even more. As time went on, this ate away at me. For a me to be denied sex was offensive. And the more he would do it, the more I would be crushed. I would curl up in the fetal position and just cry my eyes out. The pain was actually physical. I knew this would happen eventually... I finally gave up after telling him over and over and over again that I would one day stop trying to initiate it. And now I have. I absolutely will not come to him for sex. I am almost 32 years old, 5'7", 130#, and supposed to be in my sexual prime. I want sex physically, but would rather deal with the desires within than risk being denied again. I associate excruciating pain with sexual desire and thus suppress my urges.

He's a great man, we have a great relationship other than the sex. He is aware of the issue and is trying to work on it, but I wonder if I'm too far gone to pull out of it. He initiates sex, but I just don't have the mental desire to be with him, or anyone. He says that we both have to work on this and that I'll have to start letting him know that I want it. I CANNOT do that!! He does not understand the pain I've endured!!! I feel like we're at a standstill and I don't know how to pull out of this.

He was raised very religious and I think it is backfiring. He is not the typical man that thinks about sex all the time. I often have said that if he never had sex again he wouldn't care. There is almost nothing I can do to get him really turned on. Hell, one night he was watching TV and I walked right up to him and physically offered him oral. HE DENIED IT b/c he "wasn't prepared". WTF does that mean?? He was showered, the kid was in bed, what more is there??

I must say that I'm not your typical female who always has a headache either. I do have a desire for sex and I used to want to be a good wife and keep her husband happy. Now I'm broken. Please... is there anyone who can help??
 

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It is strange to see this from the other side of the road. More often then not it is men that have to persue it and are denied until they hate rejection. I feel for you and hope that people that read this male and female will understand the mental, chemical and physical benefits of sex.

I would suggest you try a psychologist, first by yourself and him by himself then together.

draconis
 

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Wow That was like reading a chapter out of my life. only this has been going on with me for the last 2-3 years. We have been together for 13 and sex was wonderful pre-baby. Now I just feel like a maid, to do the wash fix dinner take care of the baby etc. I ask and ask but still nothing. Or if I get something it's all about him and Im left empty inside.

I sending you a cyber hug. cause I need one too :)
 

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That´s hard to even think about. But I would advice you to try and see a therapist together, and see what is happening. One of my friends gave her boyfriend an ultimatum under a similar circumstances... but she just plain said: ok, you don´t want sex, but I want it, so, you choose, if it will be with you or with someone else. After a few months they separated. I hope you can fix your situation.
 

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Wow, this sounds like me too - I could've written that. I too have given up asking for sex as it is always on his terms too. If you don't mind, I will copy and paste what I wrote last night, when I was feeling so low about it:
Hi,

I'm back - again.
We seem to be back right where we started.
I feel utterly rejected and under-appreciated.
Yes, I ahve told my DH how I feel, and yes, he takes me to bed and does wonderful things to me by way of apology, and yes, I think maybe this is a new start for us. Then we go back to the same thing again.
Its been more than a week since we last had sex, and even then it was a bit of a disaster - actually this is the first time this has happened - I couldn't climax. Now, I am on anti depressants for PND adn I am hoping that this is the problem, but I am not so sure.
If you read the beginning of this thread, that should get the general idea of our situation. But I think things are getting worse. Apart from what I just wrote, I was rejected again this morning. Without getting too graphic, we had a couple of minutes before the baby had to get up, so I initated a bit of er....touching so to speak. I got the desired effect, and even though I knew we couldn't do anything as we didn't have time, I thought we could have a little snog or something, maybe as a little aperatif for later? Anyway, DH just turned over. Said he was going to lie in for a while. So, feeling rejected (again), I got up, cos, hell, SOMEONE had to get the baby up. So I was quiet when he came down. Then he said sorry for what he did, adn that he was feeling grumpy, adn that we could 'carry this on' tonight. I thought, great! Er, no.
Later on this evening, I wasn't holding out much hope as DH had gone to the gym so I knew he is usually too tired for sex (I know!). He grabs me (and its funny, I now flinch, as I am not used to being affectionately grabbed anymore), and says something like 'maybe we will have sex?'. You see, he is always in control of our sex life. I want it more than him, so he gets to call the shots all the time. I say something like 'maybe....'. I don't like to get my hopes up anymore, as they are usually dashed, and I knew he was going to the gym, so I thought it wouldn't happen anyway. Then he says 'well, you have to make use of this window of opportunity'. I mean, wtf?? So I let him know that I wasn't taking any of that! I decided then and there that no matter how hard he tried, I would NOT succumb this time, and that for a change, I would be incontrol. No, I HATE playing games and using sex as a weapon, but I have tried everything else! Anyway, he goes to the gym, then we have our hands tied with the baby for a while. He asks what is wrong. I tell him I feel like **** because my period is coming (true). So then I tell him 'looks like you missed the window of opportunity'. I know, childish, but I actually think he got the message.
Anyway, then I go into where our pc is and I find in the history (yes, it automatically comes up when you search for something) that he was looking at some mild porn! So I don't know where to go from here. Every f**k I get feels like a sympathy f**k, and even then it takes sometimes days to get him to do anything. And given the last time we had sex, I feel like I will never even enjoy it any time we have it, as I feel I have had to work sooo hard for it and I've had to cajole him into it, and that he is totally in control of it...and I'm so sick of this. Whatever happened to spontaneity? For once, I would like to be in control, to be the one to decide when we have sex, to be lusted after. Its so hard being on antidepressants for PND without having to deal with this as well. I know he loves me, but how can I take his reasurrances of 'of course I fancy you' seriously when I have to do all of the above just to feel sexy and wanted again?
 

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I went through the exact same thing in my first marriage. I was with him for 15 years and finally got a divorce because I couldn't deal with it any longer. I would literally try giving him oral and he would say, "What are you doing?!" And I would think to myself, 'Well, if you don't know what I'm doing, there's our freakin' problem!' I would throw myself at him and would get no reaction, other than rejection. Then he would have the balls to tell me that I needed to be the one to initiate, to be more aggressive. When I would try that, he would still reject me because he didn't like me being aggressive. It's a control thing.

I'm not in my second marriage and it's even worse - married for a month and we haven't even had sex once. My self esteem is non-existent at this point.

Don't let him do this to you, hunni. I'm 30 and have never felt more horrible about myself because of it. You just have to force a change. Change or I'm gone.
 
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