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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Firstly I want to hi to everyone.

I’m having a problem with sex in marriage.
I’ve been with my wife for 6 years, married for 8 months and I love her to bits. However there is no doubt that I am having issues in the bedroom.
When I first met my wife she was very shy in the bedroom, but over time her confidence improved and I enjoyed our love life (all be it not an exciting one but nice). But in recent years I’ve become more frustrated as she has lost all interest in having a more ‘exciting’ sex life. To the point that sex seems like a chore to her. I have always accepted that she never had a high sex drive but it has become increasingly more difficult for me, I’m not sure why. But this problem is now compounded with her lack of interest to engage in anything ‘fun, sexy, kinky etc’ since getting married.

At this point it is important to remember that I married her because I love for who she is, she is a strong independent and inspiring person and that’s perhaps why I didn’t consider sex to be too important... but recently I’m finding that I’m getting sexually frustrated now at the lack of excitement.

Now when we have sex it ends up being very vanilla sex involving NO foreplay at all and all she wants to do is one position and get it done with as quick as possible (I know because her favourite saying now is “have you not *** yet?”). And most of the time she says she’ll have sex because she conscious that we haven’t done so for a week or so, then when we do it’s because she feels obliged to and not because she wants to.

My frustration is that I’m a very unselfish lover, honestly I would spend hours pleasuring her if I could as it is a turn to me. But when I try to she doesn’t want to know, she lets me for a few minutes then says...”right enough of that, can we just have sex now” then we have vanilla sex and that’s it.

To be fair if I ask her to do something she will do it (apart from the big A..sadly) but she only does so because I’ve asked her and frankly its only once in a blue moon when she does it. As daft as it sounds I want her to WANT to do it, she just does it to keep me quiet.
She says likes dressing up because it makes her feel sexy, but when she does the sex is still follows the same pattern, one position, wham bam thank you and that will do until next month!! When I suggested an outfit she said yes..but I ‘wont’ do role-play..well I said “well that’s the point to outfits”.
I once suggest sex toys, my god the look she gave me!!

Here is the kicker guys....when she gets drunk on a night out (and I mean very drunk) it all goes out the window, anything goes.
It’s also worth noting that I like romantic lovemaking to, but that goes exactly the same way!!!!

I love my wife and still find her very sexy and attractive and I’m not the sort of person to go wandering, but I admit that those dark thoughts do creep into my mind now. I am also finding that I am getting drawn into looking at porn to compensate, but ultimately makes it worse.

Recently she has started expressing a desire for kids (that’s great) but now I can’t help feeling like that would suit her nicely. To go nine months without sex then have a legitimate reason for not having sex ever again.

I don't want to paint a bad picture of her, as I think she is a kind, wonderful person but the sex is important in our marriage. And whether she realises it or not its harming our marriage. All I'm trying to do is keep the excitment and passion alive as I think that is important in a marriage but I’m getting very frustrated and starting to resent her somewhat and I know I shouldn’t and I don’t want to do.

Any advice would be invaluable. Please don’t judge me too harshly.

Mr manc79
 

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She has lost her attraction for you.

I know this because she only gets into sex with beer goggles on. If she views vanilla sex as a chore then anything kinky is not gonna work. She needs to be aroused for that kind of thing.

You should run Athol's MSSL MAP Program to try to get back her attraction.

Do not have kids unless the sex life improves to your satisfaction.

If it doesn't you should divorce her and next time give the sex life more weight when considering someone as a potential spouse. Qualities like strength, independence and being inspiring lose their luster after a while if the good sex is not there.
 

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That sounds terrible. If that happened to me, it would be a huge hit to my self-esteem. I can't imagine having someone ask if you're done yet.

I'm sorry to say it, but as a woman I sense that she's not sexually attracted to you. She's treating this like some other obligation she has to do that she doesn't want to like paying a bill. She's not interested in you the way a woman is in a man.

If you don't mind me asking, are you overweight? Has your appearance changed greatly since you've been married? I know we all age and don't look the way we did 10 years ago, but were you more fit back then?

Are you sure she has ever enjoyed sex? Does she orgasm regularly when you had good sex in the past?

Some people might suggest you do more dishes or help around the house, but as a woman, that kind of stuff doesn't make me want my husband more. Some women though for reasons I don't get find they're more sexually attracted to their man if he helps with chores around the home.

Don't have children with your wife until you resolve this issue.
 

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The harsh reality, at least from my perspective, is that you will never win this battle in the sense that you consider winning.

You're into sex. Really into sex. She's not. She's OK with it, can even enjoy it, but will never crave adventure, variety, or excitement as you do. Others here will give you recommendations, and I hope some of them work for you, but I'll play the little voice of reality that says your odds of a breakthrough are long. Not impossible, just improbable.

Ensure that you fully understand for yourself if this outcome is acceptable before you have children.
 

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Mr. ManC,
You probably shouldn't have gotten married until this issue was resolved and whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN UNTIL THIS ISSUE IS FIXED. Children will complicate what will likely turn into a much more serious issue in the future. And please don't think that this is one of those things that will just automatically get better with time. It will absolutely get worse with time. You also mentioned that sex was very important in your marriage. I know that. You know that. Most of the people in this forum know that. But your wife doesn't know that. While sex and making love is obviously a physical activity, it has a much deeper emotional and intimate nature that helps you feel the love with your wife. She does not recognize that this aspect of your marriage is not something she can ignore. Your comment about wanting her to WANT to have sex is totally understandable and I am the same way. My wife has to be a loving, willing participant or its not worth doing it. However, for whatever reason, having sex with you has more disadvantages than advantages for her. You need to figure out what those are and determine what to do to fix them. Some of them may be totally internal to your wife and she may be the only person in the world that can do anything. But there may be things that you are doing that contribute to the bad situation, even though you may not know it.
Others have recommended MMSL and No More Mister Nice Guy. These are probably a good place to start but in the end, it will be your "onsite" analysis that will determine your course of action. The last thing I will mention is communication. Have you had an actual sit-down conversation with your wife where you have expressed your feelings? Make sure that you do this. Be as simple and straight forward as possible. This is the beginning of getting the ball rolling in resolving the problem.
 

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Firstly I want to hi to everyone.

Here is the kicker guys....when she gets drunk on a night out (and I mean very drunk) it all goes out the window, anything goes.

Mr manc79
This stuck out to me, because it tells me that when her inhibitions are gone her inner vixen appears. So there is hope.

I can identify somewhat with your wife in that i think i've been where she is at. And in listening to you there are some things that automatically got me a bit ticked. I only say this because i don't think there is a way around some arguments that you are going to have. It will be difficult for her to see your side of things because she is going to get defensive. Expect it. Still, there is also no way around that fact that you have to be honest with her in the most sensitive manner possible. "Honey, I love having sex with you, and I can't tell you how lucky i feel that you generally never reject me, but i can't help but feel that you are not really enjoying yourself, and this concerns me. I want you to want me and I want to make you feel good." Not: "I'm concerned about our sex life, you're not into it anymore, i think having kids will add to your problem and i'll be left out in the cold". If you say anything resembling this, if i was your wife i would only hear, he doesn't want to have kids with me. All he cares about is sex.

That being said, if you are already contemplating infidelity, you need to be really honest with yourself and her about starting a family. You need to make a decision now if you are in for the long haul. It took me a VERY long time to let go of my inhibitions and it was a process that was pretty independent of my husband. And i can't really tell you what changed in me. I know i read some books that turned me on mostly because they normalized alot of my fantasies and now I'm the one complaining about vanilla! Yes, Karma . . .

If you opt to work on your marriage, realize that your wife has her own issues to deal with, her own insecurities, and her own desires. And she is probably just ask conflicted as you are about your sex life. Please take the time to ask her what turns her on and what doesn't, in and out of the bedroom. Don't just make this about what she doesn't do for you and what she is not willing to do. These issues are dynamic, they change all the time. You can't solve her conflicts for her, you can't "fix" her. So don't push. But be consistent, persistent, sensitive, and honest. I suppose there is always a chance that nothing changes. Is she worth the risk?
 

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The fact that she's into it when her inhibitions are lowered from alcohol makes me think she's uptight about sex in general. Somehow she needs to learn it's OK for a woman to enjoy sex with her husband. It should be fun and playful. If you can't open up with your spouse who can you open up with?

I'm wondering if she suffered a sexual trauma in her past or had a particularly repressive upbringing. Perhaps some counselling is in order to help her relax and let go when it comes to sex.
 

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Your wife knows this is important to you.

You have taught her that it is ok to deprioritize you in bed. Having a baby will merely push you even lower on the priority stack. And she will find plenty of social support from women who think it is ok to starve their husbands of sex when they have young children.

But a child can be young almost 10 years. And it is difficult to recover from a long term, major sexual rift.

When you proposed to your wife you conveyed that you were happy with how she was treating you. Same thing with following through on the marriage.

This is basically your last chance. If you don't actually re balance the marriage and keep it that way for at least a year, you should prepare for celibacy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Big thanks to everyone that replied. I found everyone’s views and opinions helpful and quite an insight.

There were some responses that really struck a chord with me...

I'm wondering if she suffered a sexual trauma in her past or had a particularly repressive upbringing. Perhaps some counselling is in order to help her relax and let go when it comes to sex.
This is something that I have considered, I also know that she has not had many partners before me, in fact perhaps only 2 and there were not serious.

Your wife knows this is important to you.
You have taught her that it is ok to deprioritize you in bed. Having a baby will merely push you even lower on the priority stack. And she will find plenty of social support from women who think it is ok to starve their husbands of sex when they have young children.
When you proposed to your wife you conveyed that you were happy with how she was treating you. Same thing with following through on the marriage.
This is basically your last chance. If you don't actually re balance the marriage and keep it that way for at least a year, you should prepare for celibacy.
Yes this has definitely crossed my mind!

Mr. ManC,
for whatever reason, having sex with you has more disadvantages than advantages for her. You need to figure out what those are and determine what to do to fix them. Some of them may be totally internal to your wife and she may be the only person in the world that can do anything. But there may be things that you are doing that contribute to the bad situation, even though you may not know it.
I think there is a lot of truth in this observation and I need to find those reasons.

There is no doubt a lot contributing to my situation and no doubt many of the reasons mentioned on this thread are accurate. It just lies with me to figure out the reasons, one thing is for sure I will use everyone advice and approach the situation carefully. I love my wife and don’t want to lose her but saying that I have to make sure I don’t lose my mind.

My instincts are that it is a combination of lack of experience before I came along (I had a lot to be fair) and a low sex drive and I think that she has low confidence sexually.
At the end of the day I just want her to be confident in herself in the bedroom. I'm not after porno style sex or anything like that but for her to be confident and as others mentioned 'lose her inhibitons'
I think because her confidence is low she just wants it out of the way quick so she can remove herself from the awkward situation. But after 6 years you would think she would be confident. But as Ina said

It took me a VERY long time to let go of my inhibitions and it was a process that was pretty independent of my husband. And i can't really tell you what changed in me
Perhaps there hope indeed.

Thankyou all
 
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