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Hi everyone, my wife and I have been married for about 13 years. After 2 kids, the death of 3 of our parents, 2 degrees, and many other changes, we've probably ignored our relationship for too long and have hit a crisis point. Not sure we are ready to jump into marriage counseling. Two part question:

1. Where do you go to find the right resources to help a marriage? It seems there are so many places where you can find books, courses, workshops, blogs, etc. How do you aggregate all this into something that can help?

2. How do you ensure you find the right resources for the core problems? At this point it seems there are so many issues and it would be nice to find something that can hone in on the issue so we are wasting time and making things more frustrating.

Appreciate all your input in advance.
 

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Hi everyone, my wife and I have been married for about 13 years. After 2 kids, the death of 3 of our parents, 2 degrees, and many other changes, we've probably ignored our relationship for too long and have hit a crisis point. Not sure we are ready to jump into marriage counseling. Two part question:

1. Where do you go to find the right resources to help a marriage? It seems there are so many places where you can find books, courses, workshops, blogs, etc. How do you aggregate all this into something that can help?

2. How do you ensure you find the right resources for the core problems? At this point it seems there are so many issues and it would be nice to find something that can hone in on the issue so we are wasting time and making things more frustrating.

Appreciate all your input in advance.
Welcome, and sorry you find yourself in this spot.

The recommendations to your questions depend heavily on what your problems are. Please share in as much detail as you feel comfortable; the more information we have the better answers you're likely to get.
 

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The problem is I'm not sure we know what the problem is :). I can't say we've invested in our relationship much, we have been coasting and not really taking care of our relationship and now we feel it. We are distant and edgy.

And now we need help, but just not sure where to start or what to focus on.
 

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You two need to start with a "come to Jesus" moment (hour).

Start with a list Each of you makes a list of the things you do which are good for your marriage, the things you do which are detrimental to your marriage, and the things you SHOULD do for your marriage. That's right....I said "should"... I know that's not PC..... but it's TRUTH....

Then, before the CTJ hour, add one thing to the top of the list which, if you did it, would make your marriage a "home run" for your spouse.
Focus on that.

Oh, and BTW, do not focus on things your spouse does, doesn't, or should. Only YOU can prevent forest fires, and only YOU can change things in your marriage which are within the realm of things you CAN CHANGE. Things in the other person are in the realm of things you CANNOT CHANGE.
 

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Hi everyone, my wife and I have been married for about 13 years. After 2 kids, the death of 3 of our parents, 2 degrees, and many other changes, we've probably ignored our relationship for too long and have hit a crisis point. Not sure we are ready to jump into marriage counseling. Two part question:

1. Where do you go to find the right resources to help a marriage? It seems there are so many places where you can find books, courses, workshops, blogs, etc. How do you aggregate all this into something that can help?

2. How do you ensure you find the right resources for the core problems? At this point it seems there are so many issues and it would be nice to find something that can hone in on the issue so we are wasting time and making things more frustrating.

Appreciate all your input in advance.
My take on this is that what you need is work on restructuring your relationship in a healthy way so that the two of you reconnect and the passion returns.

There are two books that I think will help you tremendously as they help you address your issues and teach you how to maintain a healthy relationship going forward.

The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. The idea is that first you have to identify the love busters in your relationship and the two of you stop doing those things. Then you can address what each of your needs are and how to address them.

No, I don't make money selling these books. I only recommend them because I've seen the info/advice in these books help a LOT of couples.
 

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Hi everyone, my wife and I have been married for about 13 years. After 2 kids, the death of 3 of our parents, 2 degrees, and many other changes, we've probably ignored our relationship for too long and have hit a crisis point. Not sure we are ready to jump into marriage counseling. Two part question:



1. Where do you go to find the right resources to help a marriage? It seems there are so many places where you can find books, courses, workshops, blogs, etc. How do you aggregate all this into something that can help?



2. How do you ensure you find the right resources for the core problems? At this point it seems there are so many issues and it would be nice to find something that can hone in on the issue so we are wasting time and making things more frustrating.



Appreciate all your input in advance.
The question is what are the right resources for you two, and there is no pat answer. What worked for me, might not work for you. We can only give you recommendations, and you have to judge. So if you try something that doesn't work, try something else. Heck even the same method explained by a different person can suddenly work.

I'm going to recommend Touch Of Flavor. While they are typically focused on the kink/poly community, a lot of their advice is on relationships in general and work for monogamous as well as polyamorus. Cassie is also a relationship councilor, and has phone in aid, so you don't have to be in physical proximity to where she lives for live help.

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The problem is I'm not sure we know what the problem is :). I can't say we've invested in our relationship much, we have been coasting and not really taking care of our relationship and now we feel it. We are distant and edgy.

And now we need help, but just not sure where to start or what to focus on.
It's kind of hard to read through what this means. I assume that you know what some of the problems are.

If you actually don't know what the problem is and she is checked out and edgy, it could be the tip of a bigger iceberg....

When you talk about your relationship and improving it, what does she say? Does she shutdown? Complain about you? Say its fine?
 

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My take on this is that what you need is work on restructuring your relationship in a healthy way so that the two of you reconnect and the passion returns.



There are two books that I think will help you tremendously as they help you address your issues and teach you how to maintain a healthy relationship going forward.



The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. The idea is that first you have to identify the love busters in your relationship and the two of you stop doing those things. Then you can address what each of your needs are and how to address them.



No, I don't make money selling these books. I only recommend them because I've seen the info/advice in these books help a LOT of couples.
In addition to these, I would also recommend The Five Love Languages book. It will help you and your wife learn to communicate your love in non-verbal ways. (But I think you should read Ele's recs first, then this one.)

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