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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Ok let's start from the beginning, my wife and I have been married 3 years now we have twin girls wonderful little girls.

When we first got married I was one of the husbands that's always had a job but did very little contribution when it came to paying bills, she always has had the better paying job, so the pressure has always been on her to keep us afloat, it's pretty much been this way since day one.

I basically talked her into buying a motorcycle thinking it would help build credit promising I would make the payments but never did, she's bought me a truck I helped with nothing, then we had are twins and at the time we had are twins we where living at her parents house because we had to have IVF and that's only way to afford it for us I had a an ok job that could pay the bills but that's about it , she continued to work through the whole thing tell the day they where born and went to work two later, fast forward to today two years now.

I just started a fantastic job working for the state everything she has ever asked of me but she holds the past very close to her heart so much that she now basically makes me feel like garbage which I deserve 100 but I'm frustred now.

I have a chance to take care of her and she can't let the past go to enjoy life, she keeps saying divorce and the way she has been treating me for the last few months don't seem bad but I love my family and I feel I think its unfair to her, which it always has been from day 1 unfair to her as far as now I can take care of her and the kids and now she can stay home like she always wanted, she wants to buy a house and I, honstley scared to now because I, afraid she will get the house and hand me the divorce papers I get everything.

I'm going through I deserve but the way she is making me feel so bad about myself I just don't know when enough is enough
 

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You need to make her rather aware of this fear of yours before committing to that new home!

Have the two of you ever been in marriage or individual counseling?
 

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I honestly don't know how on earth she could possibly even choke up one shred of respect for you at this point. I know I wouldn't be able to.

You had no problem for YEARS treating her like she was a paycheck while you acted like a 14 year old kid with no responsibility whatsoever. You talked her into buying expensive TOYS for you and then you made sure to screw her over while you blew your money on God knows what instead of manning the hell up and taking care of your responsibilities and paying for your toys. And while you were out blowing your paychecks on irresponsible dumb-ass nonsense, SHE was paying all the bills and keeping you both afloat. I'm sure that made you SO attractive to her. Ugh.

I'm honestly trying to understand why this woman chose to go ahead and have kids with you after observing your repugnant behavior for so long, and I can't come up with ONE valid reason. I'm going to have to assume it's because her biological clock was ticking and she didn't have time to start all over again AND find a guy willing to go through IVF, etc. etc. so it was easier to do it with you. But now that it's done, she really doesn't need you anymore. Hell, she never DID looking back at your history. She did it all while you played. I'm just calling a spade a spade.

So now that you've gotten a better job, she's supposed to throw a ticker-tape parade for you and it's supposed to wipe out years of your stupidity and irresponsibility? Not happening. I wouldn't trust you to man up either, at this point.

Sounds as though she's done. And when a woman is done, she's usually done.
 

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Hard to undo whats been done. Is she over giving you chances or not? MC may be helpful.

I love motorcycles--do you still have yours and go play regularly? Would she consider you selling motorcycle an act of good faith? Don't know what state you live in--but see a lawyer so you know rights of both of you. House is likely to be marital property (50/50).

Women need emotional intimacy and connection--maybe you could focus on this. Honesty and your commitment need to be evident in every way. Two people working together, not in competition. Good luck
 

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It doesn't sound like you really understand the gravity of the situation. For years you were having a good time letting her take care of everything. Now after a few months in a new job you think she should let the past be the past. She has years of resentment built up. It's not going to go away after a few months. In addition, she probably wonders how long you will be responsible and stay in the job. She wants a husband and father who will sacrifice to make sure his family is safe and secure. Is that you? What happens when the new-job-excitement wears off? Will you continue to work year after year or will you go back to your old ways because it's funner?

How old are you? If you're in your early 20's, I'm not too surprised about your attitude. Being a husband and father takes a lot of maturity, and that isn't always there when you're young. Marriage and fatherhood is certainly *not* about you going out and having your own fun.

One thing going in your favor is that you have two young children. Being a single parent is going to be pretty hard for either of you. If you really are committed to staying married and being a responsible partner, you have a good chance of making it work. That will start with being understanding about her doubts about you. Reassure her, but don't be dismissive of her complaints. Own up to your past. "Yes, honey, I know I was a a lazy bum. I truly regret putting you through that. I am committed to being a good provider, and I know I can prove it to you with my actions."
 

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Since she keeps threatening divorce, no more children or large purchases (that you aren't willing to lose half of).
 

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I assume you've apologized, groveling at her feet, and told her that you'll work even harder to prove to her that you're no longer the man you used to be?
 

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I don't know how old you are @Travis Faught, you are certainly old enough to take responsibility for yourself and your family. Your wife checked out a while ago because you were already checked out. Now that you want back in you will have to make some radical changes. As long as your wife is living with you, you have a chance. I know people say that once she's done it's only a matter of time, but that is not always true.

The first thing you need to do is to determine what kind of man you want to be, then work to become that man. This is not to impress your wife, but to be a man of honor and integrity who puts his family ahead of himself to make sure that everyone's needs are met, his included, but not first. I recommend you start doing some reading of Dr. Gottman's materials.

Don't try to get your wife to do anything. Simply begin working on your character and being good to her and spending time with the children. Do not view chores around the house as helping her or "helping out." Chores around the house are ways that we all should participate in the smooth running our a household. Make sure you are doing your fair share with a good attitude. Make sure you are spending time with your children enjoying them.

When your wife is speaking to you, listen to her. Encourage her when you can. Think and behave positively towards her. Don't try to impress her or get her to want you. If that's going to happen it will be from her seeing that you are serious. This is going to take at least a year before she is going to even begin to trust you. Any impatience on your part is unacceptable and rude, so don't go there. Work on your relationship skill by being loving and kind to your wife, but not becoming weak or lacking in confidence. Don't expect anything in return.

If you think your wife might be interested in working out with you, that might be a good way to have some positive time with her in the gym. There is childcare. But if not, then you might want to consider working out and getting into great shape. That will make you more attractive to your wife as long as it isn't interfering with your ability to keep up your end of things on the home front. The reason I suggest asking her to join you is so she doesn't feel you are off fooling around again and leaving everything to her. If you ask her to do it with you, it's both of you working your health together.
 

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@Travis Faught if you used your own name as your screen name, please be aware that your name is searchable. If this is the case, please contact @EleGirl to have your name changed ASAP.
 

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If you were doing all you could to contribute financially and she made more that's nothing to be ashamed of. But you did say the pressure was on her, you didn't contribute to the bills and you got her to buy you toys. I don't think you should treat a spouse that way. A bunch of people concluded that, but I wonder how many would think it was ok if a woman did those things in her marriage.

Any time you screw up in a marriage. admit it and ask what will make it right. If it's something sensible, be thankful and do it.

Hopefully she will say "hold this job or a better one and use it to support your family". As others have said, you won't gain her trust overnight. You'll have to show her, and it will take some time.

If you think she is going to pursue divorce, then don't do anything to make yourself vulnerable. I don't know if buying a house is going to be a big divorce liability, speak w/ an attorney and find out. If it is, don't buy it, or require some paperwork that makes it not a liability.
 

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CynthiaDe - another brilliant post.
@Travis Faught, I would read Cynthia's post multiple times and think about concrete ways you can do every point.

Ironically, getting the better job might have brought out some of this resentment because before, she was just in survival mode. Now that it's not 100% on her shoulders, she can relax a little and really realize how little respect and regard you previously had for her.

I don't think all is lost, but you have some serious work to do. I think the best way to help someone get past resentment is to have a current relationship that meets her needs where she will stop ruminating on what used to be because things are so good currently. That will take time though, and you need to understand this is not all about money.

A. What demonstrable changes do you need to make in your character that will reassure her you will not got back to your old ways should you somehow lose this current job?

B. What does she value and want that will make her desire to be with YOU?

I suggest you go to www.marriagebuilders.com and look at their stuff, they do a lot on helping people in situations like yours. Here are some ideas.

1. Spend time with her. Hopefully some time alone as man and woman, not always with the babies, though it may be hard at this age. Make it clear through your actions that you desire her company over toys, hanging with the boys, time to yourself, etc.

2. Be an involved and loving father, and caring toward family in general. You both wanted a family. Behave in a way where she will say to herself: "He's a great father. I like being a part of a family with him."

3. Have good conversations with her where she can tell you are actually interested in what she is thinking and feeling. When she says something, look her in the eye, ask questions about the topic, don't just wait for her to stop talking and go back to your video game or whatever.

4. When she gets focused on the past, don't get defensive. Apologize sincerely and tell her you didn't get it at the time but now you do and you love her and respect her and appreciate all her sacrifices and will never put her in that position again. Your family means everything to you and that includes her and she is your #1 priority on earth. And have actions that prove that - helping out happily, looking out for her well being, asking how she is doing and feeling and what she wants and needs.

The truth is, if you really have changed, with two little babies, this is not a good time for her to get divorced. Make yourself valuable to her. Hopefully this will buy you some time, and in that time you can win your wife back. And then don't blow it.

I would not buy a house until the talk of divorce stops.

Good luck. People are coming down hard on you in here for good reason but there is also something happening in our culture right now because there are a LOT of men behaving just as you have. I'm not saying that is OK at all, just that it is becoming normal. So don't beat yourself up over the past, learn from it and become the person you want to be and the man your wife would want to be married to. You will find that when you go through the motions of being a good man a few times, it suddenly becomes who you actually are.




I don't know how old you are @Travis Faught, you are certainly old enough to take responsibility for yourself and your family. Your wife checked out a while ago because you were already checked out. Now that you want back in you will have to make some radical changes. As long as your wife is living with you, you have a chance. I know people say that once she's done it's only a matter of time, but that is not always true.

The first thing you need to do is to determine what kind of man you want to be, then work to become that man. This is not to impress your wife, but to be a man of honor and integrity who puts his family ahead of himself to make sure that everyone's needs are met, his included, but not first. I recommend you start doing some reading of Dr. Gottman's materials.

Don't try to get your wife to do anything. Simply begin working on your character and being good to her and spending time with the children. Do not view chores around the house as helping her or "helping out." Chores around the house are ways that we all should participate in the smooth running our a household. Make sure you are doing your fair share with a good attitude. Make sure you are spending time with your children enjoying them.

When your wife is speaking to you, listen to her. Encourage her when you can. Think and behave positively towards her. Don't try to impress her or get her to want you. If that's going to happen it will be from her seeing that you are serious. This is going to take at least a year before she is going to even begin to trust you. Any impatience on your part is unacceptable and rude, so don't go there. Work on your relationship skill by being loving and kind to your wife, but not becoming weak or lacking in confidence. Don't expect anything in return.

If you think your wife might be interested in working out with you, that might be a good way to have some positive time with her in the gym. There is childcare. But if not, then you might want to consider working out and getting into great shape. That will make you more attractive to your wife as long as it isn't interfering with your ability to keep up your end of things on the home front. The reason I suggest asking her to join you is so she doesn't feel you are off fooling around again and leaving everything to her. If you ask her to do it with you, it's both of you working your health together.
 

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You priority needs to be working on your character and being consistent. Circle the wagons. No new (big) purchases. Pay off any debts you have, whether they are yours or hers. Earn her trust and keep it by being a stand-up husband and father.

It may take years to earn her trust, so don't get in a hurry or deride her for not trusting you right away. That will only erase any ground you may have gained.
 
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