Talk About Marriage banner
81 - 100 of 145 Posts
Like I said before, I knew nothing about her promiscuous and her lying. This all came out after we married when she slipped up. We dated for 2 years prior to the breakup - most that time was great. It was only the end of the 2 years that we started to see some mental challenges.
Either way, you know now.

And realistically, you probably still only know a fraction.

No one truly knows what all has gone on in someone else’s private life.

If she is bi-polar or some other personality disorder, there is a good chance you are only aware of the tip of the ice berg.
 
Discussion starter · #82 ·
This is incredibly demeaning and unnecessary. Honestly, with that kind of talk, I almost don't blame her one bit for doing what she did. She taught your a** a lesson. Serves you right!
You are entitled to your own opinion but that is how I feel. Put the shoe on your foot. By the way I see it both ways - especially the players who use vulnerable women, take advantage of whatever situation a woman may be emotionally dealing with and using them for their own pleasure. Here my wife was thinking (her own words) "if she had sex with him that he would give her a chance" and in his mind he is thinking "I have all night to bust my nuts with this chick before I have to get back to my significant other". He never called her again.

In any event she has told me she will FINALLY tell me what was so horrible that evening and hopefully either way I get the answers I deserve and I will hopefully have the closure I need.
 
Discussion starter · #83 ·
Either way, you know now.

And realistically, you probably still only know a fraction.

No one truly knows what all has gone on in someone else’s private life.

If she is bi-polar or some other personality disorder, there is a good chance you are only aware of the tip of the ice berg.
Agreed. She has hide so many things from me and trickle truthed everything to death that I no long believe anything she says. What did she think a marriage was based on? Lies? Lol
 
Discussion starter · #87 ·
So what exactly do you want? She did what she did, she can’t take it back.
I want to truth. I told her I would have more respect for you at this point if you just said "you left me, I was horny and I banged the first guy I found". Instead, she claims it was the worst night she ever had yet she recently admitted she was considering dating this guy and also admitted she decided to have sex with him and give him a chance. So when did the worst night ever come in that she claimed from the beginning? Was it after romp #1? Romp #2? Romp #3? Romp #4? Those are the holes that don't up. Just stop hiding things, tell me the truth and at least this chapter is closed.
 
You are entitled to your own opinion but that is how I feel. Put the shoe on your foot. By the way I see it both ways - especially the players who use vulnerable women, take advantage of whatever situation a woman may be emotionally dealing with and using them for their own pleasure. Here my wife was thinking (her own words) "if she had sex with him that he would give her a chance" and in his mind he is thinking "I have all night to bust my nuts with this chick before I have to get back to my significant other". He never called her again.

In any event she has told me she will FINALLY tell me what was so horrible that evening and hopefully either way I get the answers I deserve and I will hopefully have the closure I need.
I never said you were wrong for feeling as you do. I can understand it. What I take issue with is you saying that she should have taken money for acting like a prostitute, and you seeing nothing wrong with that.

Granted, it's not what you would expect an ex girlfriend to do so quickly, BUT, she was single, and frankly, during that time, she didn't owe you any explanation.

She should have had the guts to say that from the get go, rather than lie to you. So I'm not okay with either of her actions in that regard. But to compare her to a prostitute, to me, it takes away from your other fair and valid points. That's all I'm pointing out.

If it's truly something you can't bear to deal with, and I can understand THAT, then go. Divorce. It really is that simple. You don't need to lower yourself and disparage them. Move on, and that's it.
 
Agreed. She has hide so many things from me and trickle truthed everything to death that I no long believe anything she says. What did she think a marriage was based on? Lies? Lol
Actually yes.

Many people with personality disorders and various mental illnesses do present a completely fictitious facade and try to base a relationship on the false character that they have created.

Many believe (or actually know) that someone won’t have them the way they really are (or believe themselves to be) and so they create a false persona on which to base an otherwise impossible relationship.

So in that sense, yes, she may have attempted to base the relationship on lies and wasn’t able to maintain frame forever.
 
She lied to stay with you and still does lie to stay with you. You say she isn’t a liar, so this is the only reason she would lie.
You may have whacked one of my pet peeves.

I read all the time about people who claim to be bi-curious and then talk about the 8 same sex encounters they've had. Homie, after the first encounter or two you stopped being bi-curious and are just bisexual!

This is the same thing. You can't claim someone isn't a liar and then talk about all of their lies. She's not lie-curious, she's a liar.

But the idea of casual sex/ONS was not something that interested me.

I mean, when you say you've had many ONS, how does that even happen? I can see 1-2, but lots? Frequently? Where were these people when I was in my teens and 20s?
I won't comment on your friend, but I will say that many place in the world are utterly backwards to my thinking and I question their social repression. I am glad to live where I can freely express my sexuality.

How do ONS happen? They just...do. Go out to a party or a bar or festival, meet someone you're attracted to, do some flirting, maybe some making out, go to a private place, have sex, and there you have it.

Frequently? Depends on your definition of frequent. I had 32 sexual partners over a span of 9 years between 16 and 25, which was when I met my husband. 1 I was engaged to, 1 I married, 4 relationships, and the rest were a mix of FWB and ONS until I met my DH, who has been my only sex partner for over 20 years.

Where were people like me in your teens and 20's? Either you weren't giving off the open to it vibe or you were at the wrong parties, my friend.

Yes she technically lied when he asked if she had gotten with anyone else.
I agree with @MJJEAN above, she should’ve told him it was none of his business and let him fill in his own blanks or told him she did and let him walk... he probably isn’t the right guy for her anyway if he dumps her for no reason and then wants her back,, but only if she sat at home by herself every night they were split.
I don't think a couple has to have the same views to the letter. For example, both DH and I are fine with casual sex. However, I am not ok with group sex. No judgement, I can see the sensual appeal, but something about it just personally squicks me out. DH in his past had group sex many times both within a relationship and while single. I decided that, since we were so into each other and very compatible in general, this small difference in view and history was not a dealbreaker.

The huge difference is that my DH was up front and honest about his sexual history very early on and so was I. We gave each other the chance to decide if our pasts were dealbreakers or not.


Then she also screwed up by letting the cat out of the bag. If you’re going to try to build a relationship on false pretenses, then at least put in the effort to keep the secret a secret to the grave.
So few are actually capable of that, though, which is why it's just better to be honest and take whatever lumps come your way. My momma always told me not to do a damn thing I wouldn't want people to know about and be honest if asked because the truth comes out eventually. I can only imagine how much drama I avoided by following that advice.

He had absolutely no right to ask her what she did while broken up whatsoever. It was absolutely none of his business what she did after he allegedly broke up with her.
I disagree. He has every right to ask his partner her sexual history if that's something that concerns him. And his partner has every right to tell him she isn't going to give him that information.

My problem is that she understands this guy, her husband, at one time her fiance, has some real issues with things she sees as being OK. People don't suddenly become like that overnight. I doubt he hid his weirdness from her. And if he tried, he wouldn't have succeeded. But she went ahead and married someone completely-inappropriate anyway.
Maybe that's why she's being more honest now. Maybe she sees they aren't compatible and is sabotaging the relationship with the truth.

Actually it was my business. She asked ME to get back together. I gave her the conditions. She decided to lie. In fact when we first met she knew exactly who I was looking for and lied about 3/4 of her relationships and all the other one night stands she had. She would have known, even though she said she was hoping I came back, that she would have to lie to me again if she had a ONS. But I guess that ONS was more important or she is just a serial liar.
Yes, my friend, you're married to a serial liar. She has lied to you for years about her sexual adventures and there is every reason to think she has lied about other things, as well. After all, she's learned that she can get away with lying and that it's easier than possibly causing friction with the truth.

There was something mentally wrong with her - she would go from depressed to maniac - up and down constantly. Doctor diagnosed her with bi-polar and gave her meds.
I come from a long line of bi-polar women and am one, myself. At no point does bi-polar disorder cause one to be unable to tell right from wrong. Everyone knows lying is wrong. Her mental illness isn't an excuse.

Of course all this came out AFTER I married her.
You can un-marry her, ya know.
 
You may have whacked one of my pet peeves.

I read all the time about people who claim to be bi-curious and then talk about the 8 same sex encounters they've had. Homie, after the first encounter or two you stopped being bi-curious and are just bisexual!

This is the same thing. You can't claim someone isn't a liar and then talk about all of their lies. She's not lie-curious, she's a liar.


I won't comment on your friend, but I will say that many place in the world are utterly backwards to my thinking and I question their social repression. I am glad to live where I can freely express my sexuality.

How do ONS happen? They just...do. Go out to a party or a bar or festival, meet someone you're attracted to, do some flirting, maybe some making out, go to a private place, have sex, and there you have it.

Frequently? Depends on your definition of frequent. I had 32 sexual partners over a span of 9 years between 16 and 25, which was when I met my husband. 1 I was engaged to, 1 I married, 4 relationships, and the rest were a mix of FWB and ONS until I met my DH, who has been my only sex partner for over 20 years.

Where were people like me in your teens and 20's? Either you weren't giving off the open to it vibe or you were at the wrong parties, my friend.



I don't think a couple has to have the same views to the letter. For example, both DH and I are fine with casual sex. However, I am not ok with group sex. No judgement, I can see the sensual appeal, but something about it just personally squicks me out. DH in his past had group sex many times both within a relationship and while single. I decided that, since we were so into each other and very compatible in general, this small difference in view and history was not a dealbreaker.

The huge difference is that my DH was up front and honest about his sexual history very early on and so was I. We gave each other the chance to decide if our pasts were dealbreakers or not.




So few are actually capable of that, though, which is why it's just better to be honest and take whatever lumps come your way. My momma always told me not to do a damn thing I wouldn't want people to know about and be honest if asked because the truth comes out eventually. I can only imagine how much drama I avoided by following that advice.



I disagree. He has every right to ask his partner her sexual history if that's something that concerns him. And his partner has every right to tell him she isn't going to give him that information.



Maybe that's why she's being more honest now. Maybe she sees they aren't compatible and is sabotaging the relationship with the truth.



Yes, my friend, you're married to a serial liar. She has lied to you for years about her sexual adventures and there is every reason to think she has lied about other things, as well. After all, she's learned that she can get away with lying and that it's easier than possibly causing friction with the truth.



I come from a long line of bi-polar women and am one, myself. At no point does bi-polar disorder cause one to be unable to tell right from wrong. Everyone knows lying is wrong. Her mental illness isn't an excuse.



You can un-marry her, ya know.
As to the 32 partners, I feel like a monk at this point. I had 7 sex partners before marriage. None were ONS or FWBs.

Now there were a couple instances of fooling around (oral) with girls that were not intended to be girlfriends, but ...

Having 32 within 9 years is mind-blowing to me, and it demonstrates the much greater access to sex that women have --and take advantage of. I am not casting judgment on you about this, as everyone is entitled to their own experiences with other, consenting adults

but I got into a bit of a heated discussion with my wife about some of this stuff last night after a few drinks (never a good idea). My issues were

1. She had "several" ONS in college, whatever that means.
2. Her N count is like 15, which is double mine. Now granted, that was over a 14 year period.
3. Lots of unprotected sex and an abortion at 19
4. When we started dating, it wasn't until the 6-7th date, and like 6 weeks in, before we had sex. Now I find out that she jumped into bed with other dudes on the same night.

I only knew about some of this stuff before marriage, and was quite frankly afraid to ask about the rest.

Now how did I feel about all this as a guy? I felt disappointed and depressed --part of me says I deserved better. I feel a bit humiliated and have a sense of FOMO --I was trying to be the good guy, treat women right, have LTRs, etc., while everyone else was piping down girls left and right with no intention of relationships. One guy on the web says "there are no good girls. There are just girls who haven't been caught".

Now the rational and mature side of me says "it's in the past, let it go. Marriage is good--she is an excellent wife and mother". And I have no intention of unloading on her about this stuff or having it impact my marriage.

Some guys have no issue with this stuff, but guys like me do. It isn't something that is going to go away, and it is part of the reason I have a very jaded and black-pilled opinion of relationships in our current culture
 
I want to truth. I told her I would have more respect for you at this point if you just said "you left me, I was horny and I banged the first guy I found". Instead, she claims it was the worst night she ever had yet she recently admitted she was considering dating this guy and also admitted she decided to have sex with him and give him a chance. So when did the worst night ever come in that she claimed from the beginning? Was it after romp #1? Romp #2? Romp #3? Romp #4? Those are the holes that don't up. Just stop hiding things, tell me the truth and at least this chapter is closed.
What difference does it make at this point? Seriously? She tells you everything you want to hear...you are 100 percent right about her...then what? All the hurt goes away and everything is sunshine and roses? What is the end game for you?
 
Discussion starter · #94 ·
She should have had the guts to say that from the get go, rather than lie to you. So I'm not okay with either of her actions in that regard. But to compare her to a prostitute, to me, it takes away from your other fair and valid points. That's all I'm pointing out.
That was more of a joke than anything but I guess you weren't laughing :) I can do two things - try and find humor in it and laugh about it or go into deep depression.
 
That was more of a joke than anything but I guess you weren't laughing :) I can do two things - try and find humor in it and laugh about it or go into deep depression.
Sometimes it's hard to know what's a joke and what is not. Things get lost in translation with the use of technology. My fault for misunderstanding. It's just that some people really do think like that. So, yes, you can laugh about it, lol. But be proactive. Find out the truth, if she's not willing to share the entirety of it, then I think you know, your marriage does not have a strong foundation.
 
One of the most common things you see around these parts is “The need to know EVERYTHING”. Most people never get to the point that this infatuation is fully satisfied. A lot of them eventually find satisfaction in that they are fine with not caring anymore. You need to get to that point as fast as you can.

I suspect in many cases the betrayed may actually have it all but refuses to believe that everything has been told
 
I want to truth. I told her I would have more respect for you at this point if you just said "you left me, I was horny and I banged the first guy I found". Instead, she claims it was the worst night she ever had yet she recently admitted she was considering dating this guy and also admitted she decided to have sex with him and give him a chance. So when did the worst night ever come in that she claimed from the beginning? Was it after romp #1? Romp #2? Romp #3? Romp #4? Those are the holes that don't up. Just stop hiding things, tell me the truth and at least this chapter is closed.
Here is the truth. You broke up with her, she got attention from other guys while drinking and she thought, why the hell not? And she probably thought, maybe this guy will bang the thought of my ex boyfriend out of my head for a night.

She isn’t a person who cares about how many notches are on her bed post and if the person she is screwing loves her. She isn’t. You want a rabbit to be a duck. It’s not going to happen. That’s who you are married to.

Most young women aren’t assertive. Instead of being shamed and feeling like an unpaid wh0r* by the guy she loves, she decided to lie. There ya go.

I don’t think the historical promiscuity has anything to do with the caliber of wife she can be. But the lying certainly could. You say she’s not a liar, yet say later that she’s lied the whole time, even before the breakup happened. Soooo.... I still think you are focusing on the wrong thing.
 
Discussion starter · #99 ·
Here is the truth. You broke up with her, she got attention from other guys while drinking and she thought, why the hell not? And she probably thought, maybe this guy will bang the thought of my ex boyfriend out of my head for a night.

She isn’t a person who cares about how many notches are on her bed post and if the person she is screwing loves her. She isn’t. You want a rabbit to be a duck. It’s not going to happen. That’s who you are married to.

Most young women aren’t assertive. Instead of being shamed and feeling like an unpaid wh0r* by the guy she loves, she decided to lie. There ya go.

I don’t think the historical promiscuity has anything to do with the caliber of wife she can be. But the lying certainly could. You say she’s not a liar, yet say later that she’s lied the whole time, even before the breakup happened. Soooo.... I still think you are focusing on the wrong thing.
She showed no indication that she could lie to me until she slipped up. But I tend to agree with you. Now I just want to hear it out of her mouth.
 
Discussion starter · #100 ·
@Torninhalf is exactly correct.....you know the old verse "you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free" but i don't see that with you, i do not think you could ever look at her again the same way, if you stay your marriage dynamics will change quite a bit.
I will have to agree with you. But one step at a time and only time will tell :)
 
81 - 100 of 145 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top